How to cope on extra bad days after affair BU?

[Lillyfree]

stevie, you said that you can't be alone in your head. and that guy was just noise in your head, something to keep you from looking at yourself and your life.

you've put him up on a pedestal and you still idealise him, and he really doesn't deserve it.

 

look at this as a positive, i know it's hard - but don't be afraid to be alone with your thoughts. put YOURSELF up on that pedestal, love yourself enough and it will be easier to push him out!

 

so yes, you do have things to get on with.

[stevie_23]

Put myself on a pedestal? After what I did to my partner? How do I do that? How do I care about myself when I am such a hideous excuse for a human being?

[spice4life]

Stevie, I know this may sound strange in light of how you are feeling right now, but I actualy think you're doing fine. There are going to bad days before you get yourself on the other side of this thing. Just acknowledge that you're having a bad day and allow yourself to have one. It's a phase in the grieving process...ya know? I bet if you tell your partner, co-workers or friends that you having a down day and don't want to be alone they will jump in and help to make you feel better...just like the wonderful people in this forum. you don't have to tell them why...just that you are. You don't have to suffer in silence. Reach out to the people you know that care about you and let them know how you're feeling so they can support you and distract you from feeling alone.

 

IC sounds like a good idea and the music suggestion is a great idea....it works! I whip out the Stones and some Motown to snap myself out of a funk. Works every time.

Edited March 21, 2013 by spice4life

[stevie_23]

Thank you, Spice.

 

I do sing. I sing all the time, along with everything, as well as my own songs.

 

Telling people if I'm feeling bad has NEVER been easy for me. I tend to get highly embarrassed revealing negative feelings. I'm fine with positive ones, I'm fine when I'm happy or excited, and I'm ok with mild disappointment or amused annoyance, but any actual sadness? It just makes me SO awkward. I don't feel like I deserve to get support. Not just because of my actions with regard to the A, but because I just NEVER felt like I deserved support. I don't feel I deserve to feel sad or bad. I'm only of any use or benefit to people if I'm happy.

[Lillyfree]

Put myself on a pedestal? After what I did to my partner? How do I do that? How do I care about myself when I am such a hideous excuse for a human being?

 

stop it. you are far from that.

 

 

I don't feel I deserve to feel sad or bad. I'm only of any use or benefit to people if I'm happy.

 

oh stevie

 

please please get yourself into IC. no one should think so lowly of themselves

[stevie_23]

Sometimes I feel I'm so beyond ever being able to be a good, normal person that why should I bother? May as well just continue my life of destruction and hedonism.

[psm04]

Hi Stevie, your post was heartbreaking. I don't know how to respond to this but to say that please don't even have thoughts about injuring yourself in any way. Nothing is worth that. I hope that all the wonderful responses to your post helped you!

[AnotherRound]

It's a bad place to be - that place where we don't feel like we deserve to have happiness or to have self -care. I'm sorry you're there - but there isn't a person in the world who hasn't been there - it's a normal place to go when we have done something that we aren't too proud of.

 

Self soothe. Self care - take care of you. It's hard in this day and age to take the time we need to take care of ourselves, but we HAVE to. You wouldn't neglect your child's needs - emotional or physical - but we often neglect our own needs. We keep putting it off bc either we feel we don't deserve it - or we feel other things are higher priority.

 

Truth is - you HAVE to take care of yourself, nobody else can do that for you. Learning to self soothe is a miraculous thing in that it gives you the ability to heal yourself and to not need others to do that for you - or even help you do it. It gives you tremendous freedom and power over your own health.

 

What calms you? What soothes you? For me - resting with a great book or favorite movie or tv show, long warm baths, massages, talking to my sister or my best friend, looking up funny things online so that I can laugh, quilting for the charity I donate to or for a loved one, genealogy, learning about anything I'm interested in, music, playing with my dogs in the back yard, gardening. It's all replenishing to me - and I give myself permission to do these things when I need to - when I need to get my bearings back, when I need a little joy and relaxation in my life - when I feel my reserves getting low.

 

It's something we are trained as adults to not do - that we must keep working and producing and giving no matter what. But in reality, we are all human, we all have limits, we all have to replenish - because once we are burned out, we aren't any good to ourselves or to anyone else.

 

I hope you can find some way to replenish your soul today - it sounds like you really need it. And you DO deserve it and you are worthy of it - and I want you to be healthy and happy and self soothed and relaxed.

[Pierre]

Sometimes I feel I'm so beyond ever being able to be a good, normal person that why should I bother? May as well just continue my life of destruction and hedonism.

 

Stevie:

 

You don't sound like your normal self. I hope you were kidding about cutting yourself. This hedonism could indicate a minor trait of narcissism, not uncommon among folks in affairs. You need IC to sort out your issues. You are a very interesting and amazing woman and you should not be so down on yourself. You have intelligence and a great heart, don't get so depressed please!

 

Try to compose music again, be creative.

[donnabella8]

Stevie, despite the way you took Pierre's initial post, he is correct in that cutting IS self-mutilation. Between your temptation to cut and your self-hatred, I'm concerned that you need help beyond what this board is able to offer. While listening to music is a great antidote to a "blue mood", what you speak of is deeper than that.

 

Please seriously consider some IC as soon as possible. You sound like a wonderful, vibrant woman and I wish nothing but healing and health for you. I'm glad you have this board as an outlet, but please don't let it be a substitute for professional help.

[LFH]

Several suggestions for you:

 

• IC is a good idea. I think with your history of cutting that having someone local, on tap and familiar with you and your situation... all of it is a very good idea. Please consider it.
  
• I absolutely recommend the music idea. Exercise too if you can.. to the loud music. It's hard to be sad when you're dancing in the kitchen.
  
• Speaking of the kitchen... had any desire to get new plates? mugs? crockery? If so... get a big box, take all the old stuff out, and smash it piece by piece into the box. You can even write your feelings on it with a marker before you do. It's amazingly satisfying. It's one of the ways I dealt with grief in the past. Curse or swear or even sing while you do it.
  
• Darts. Something about throwing darts at a dartboard while mumbling things like "you jerk, you don't even know how awesome I am.. your loss asshat" is ridiculously therapeutic.
  
• Bubble bath, again more music and a really good book.
  

Hang in there. You will be ok. You're NOT a horrible person, you're not. Please write that down in a couple places and look at it when you're struggling. Stevie is a good person.

[angie2443]

For everyone here who has ended an A or had an A end without having any say in the matter, how did you cope? I mean…what did you do to get through?

 

For me, it’s been 3.5 months now…and I’ve been ok…the first week was ridiculous and I feel nauseous just thinking about it. But beyond that, I’ve been trying to be alright within myself somehow.

 

And right now, I am feeling very desolate. Very lost and empty. I don’t know how to live now, I realise. I don’t even know if I want to.

 

In the past, I have utilised a dysfunctional and destructive coping mechanism, which was cutting myself, to try and relieve pain and overwhelming negative emotion…used it as an outlet. I have not done this for almost 10 years, but am tempted again. I know it won’t help me and I’ll just end up staring at myself in the mirror feeling like I’m looking at a total stranger, someone who has let a married man hurt them to this extent and is now hurting themselves…and I will feel even more desolate and alone, because if I hurt myself…how can I possibly expect anyone else NOT to? And how can I possibly expect to achieve happiness for myself again if all I am doing is inflicting pain?

 

I am a total wreck today inside. Externally I appear fine. Makeup’s on, hair’s neat, I’m wearing clothes. Lol. But inside? Turmoil.

 

Help?

 

As far as the cutting, you are not the only here who did that in their youth. Funny thing is, for me anyway, I can't pinpoint why it helped. I'm not saying it's good, it obviously isn't. It seems that a good number of people who were hurn growing up for whatever reason, have resorted to this. I remember you did a thread about narcissim (certainly don't think you have that) and then someone here mentioning the pedistal thing and you being a bit bothered by it. It seems that sometimes when people don't get their needs met when they are a kid, they do develope some self centered traits. I know I have, for differant reasons maybe. You'll come out of this, so many other people have, I wish I could be more helpful. I do know for me, that paying more attention to other people who went through what I have and came out on the other side, really helped.

[stevie_23]

Self soothe. Self care - take care of you. It's hard in this day and age to take the time we need to take care of ourselves, but we HAVE to. You wouldn't neglect your child's needs - emotional or physical - but we often neglect our own needs. We keep putting it off bc either we feel we don't deserve it - or we feel other things are higher priority.

 

What calms you? What soothes you? For me - resting with a great book or favorite movie or tv show, long warm baths, massages, talking to my sister or my best friend, looking up funny things online so that I can laugh, quilting for the charity I donate to or for a loved one, genealogy, learning about anything I'm interested in, music, playing with my dogs in the back yard, gardening. It's all replenishing to me - and I give myself permission to do these things when I need to - when I need to get my bearings back, when I need a little joy and relaxation in my life - when I feel my reserves getting low..

 

Thank you...I know your words are true.

 

The thing is, I actually self soothe almost ALL the time. I have major trouble NOT doing that. I can't deal with life unless I constantly self soothe. Like...I am only able to get through the day if I don't have to do much stuff I don't want to do. Like household chores. I can't even stand to take the recycling box down to the garbage area of our apartment complex! When I'm at work, I go online at the same time because I NEED that comfort and lack of boredom (cause I get bored at work a LOT). When I get home, I lie on the couch and read magazines or books, put the TV on...and that's what I do all night until I go to bed. If I have to pay a bill online for instance, even something tiny like that, that I don't ENJOY doing, I feel stressed. So I think I've taken the self soothing and made it my whole "normal" reality, and now I don't have anything to REALLY self soothe me, you know?

[stevie_23]

"you jerk, you don't even know how awesome I am.. your loss asshat"

 

 

I must say, whenever I see the term "asshat" it makes me laugh. lol

[stevie_23]

Stevie:

 

You don't sound like your normal self. I hope you were kidding about cutting yourself. This hedonism could indicate a minor trait of narcissism, not uncommon among folks in affairs. You need IC to sort out your issues. You are a very interesting and amazing woman and you should not be so down on yourself. You have intelligence and a great heart, don't get so depressed please!

 

Try to compose music again, be creative.

 

Thank you, Pierre. I was not kidding though about the cutting. I didn't do anything about it, but I wasn't kidding - I wouldn't joke about that sort of thing.

[stevie_23]

As far as the cutting, you are not the only here who did that in their youth. Funny thing is, for me anyway, I can't pinpoint why it helped. I'm not saying it's good, it obviously isn't. It seems that a good number of people who were hurn growing up for whatever reason, have resorted to this. I remember you did a thread about narcissim (certainly don't think you have that) and then someone here mentioning the pedistal thing and you being a bit bothered by it. It seems that sometimes when people don't get their needs met when they are a kid, they do develope some self centered traits. I know I have, for differant reasons maybe. You'll come out of this, so many other people have, I wish I could be more helpful. I do know for me, that paying more attention to other people who went through what I have and came out on the other side, really helped.

 

Thank you, Angie. I can remember how it helped me, back when I did it. And it wasn't even severe. I have no scars. I never was in any physical danger at all. It was very controlled. And it helped me to release the emotional pain I couldn't express or even understand at the time. It was also a distraction.

 

And the thing is, when I first did any sort of cutting, I was 17 years old and my grandpa had just died the week before. I dealt with it peacefully and with maturity, but obviously somewhere inside I didn't really deal 100%. And that was also the time I was developing stronger feelings for my best friend, was wondering if I was gay, was in my final year of high school, then my 15 year old cousin died of a drug overdose and I think it was too much. I didn't FEEL that disturbed or stressed or upset, but somewhere inside I must've pushed it down...and it came out in that other dysfunctional, harmful way.

[Furious]

Stevie

 

I had a good friend in high school who cut herself. She told me that she always felt numb and the pain from cutting herself made her feel something.

 

At the time I was too young to understand what she meant. I realize now that she needed to feel something, that even if was pain it was better than feeling nothing.

 

Stevie....I hope you realize that no one can fill the void in your heart. Maybe being loved gives you permission to love yourself and when that person is gone maybe you think your self love goes with that person.

 

I hope you realize, that just like Dorithy in the wizard of oz, you have what you've always been looking for but never knew it was always there.

 

Self love and self esteem go hand in hand. Your value is not measured by others, rather your value is measured by you.

[stevie_23]

Stevie

 

I had a good friend in high school who cut herself. She told me that she always felt numb and the pain from cutting herself made her feel something.

 

At the time I was too young to understand what she meant. I realize now that she needed to feel something, that even if was pain it was better than feeling nothing.

 

Stevie....I hope you realize that no one can fill the void in your heart. Maybe being loved gives you permission to love yourself and when that person is gone maybe you think your self love goes with that person.

 

I hope you realize, that just like Dorithy in the wizard of oz, you have what you've always been looking for but never knew it was always there.

 

Self love and self esteem go hand in hand. Your value is not measured by others, rather your value is measured by you.

 

I just wouldn't even know how to begin to love myself...I have no idea.

[Furious]

I just wouldn't even know how to begin to love myself...I have no idea.

 

 

Loving yourself is accepting yourself.

 

I know that's sounds too easy, especially if you've been conditioned by family and society that who you are is unacceptable.

 

Loving yourself takes courage, and it takes time to break away from who you think others want you to be.

 

It's one small step at a time, challenging yourself, but at the same time being patient with yourself knowing that things can't change overnight.

 

Also, not being afraid to reach out for help, either through counseling and being honest with those close to you.

 

I hope you that you do those things, for you.

[whichwayisup]

Put myself on a pedestal? After what I did to my partner? How do I do that? How do I care about myself when I am such a hideous excuse for a human being?

 

Because you need to build yourself back up again. Really you do. Hitting a low and feeling bad about yourself, wanting to cut again - All signs that if you don't change something within you, get some help soon, it could get worse.. A lot worse and it'll take even longer to recover and come out this funk you're in.

 

Do lists. Negative qualities, things you don't like about yourself. Then do a positive list, all things you do like about yourself, including your accomplishments, awards, anything that is good and healthy. Sit down and read both lists. What you can change, you will - In time, and reading some negative things you feel about yourself and seeing it on paper might jolt you into really wanting to make those changes so you can love "you" again.

 

Ask your closest friends to do a positive list for you. Ask them to write down all the things they love and adore about you! Ask family too. This is your 'feel good' read - Anytime you start to feel yucky, read them! And read your own positive list as well.

[road]

For everyone here who has ended an A or had an A end without having any say in the matter, how did you cope? I mean…what did you do to get through?

 

 

In the past, I have utilised a dysfunctional and destructive coping mechanism, which was cutting myself,

 

I am a total wreck today inside. Externally I appear fine. Makeup’s on, hair’s neat, I’m wearing clothes. Lol. But inside? Turmoil.

 

Help?

 

 

Cope by realizing having an affair was wrong and be happy that you are not doing such bad behavior any more.

 

Cope by realizing that what the OM did to you and his BW is not a man that would be a good husband to you. They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

 

Cope by realizing that you do not need to punish yourself by cutting. Instead of punishing yourself make the changes to yourself so that you will not have any more affairs.

 

Find a man that wants you and will provide for you that you will not have to share.

[LFH]

 

Do lists. Negative qualities, things you don't like about yourself. Then do a positive list, all things you do like about yourself, including your accomplishments, awards, anything that is good and healthy. Sit down and read both lists. What you can change, you will - In time, and reading some negative things you feel about yourself and seeing it on paper might jolt you into really wanting to make those changes so you can love "you" again.

 

Ask your closest friends to do a positive list for you. Ask them to write down all the things they love and adore about you! Ask family too. This is your 'feel good' read - Anytime you start to feel yucky, read them! And read your own positive list as well.

I sort of mentioned this in my post as well, I'd like to expand on it. Take the plus things, the positive, write them on index cards and put them varioius places you will encounter them through the day, your mirror, the visor on your car, in your desk drawer. It will help you to remember that you, and others see good things in you. And read them outloud from time to time, something about hearing positives is very helpful for people.