kids seem 2nd best!

[Shocked Suzie]

So frustrating!! He's seemed to have walked away and his new life/GF seem to be his main priority??..he's always been a really good loving dad, i'm shocked that he's so far off from the children's emotions and feelings since he left! anyone else experienced this??

 

I had a good verbal conversation last week and took that opportunity to give him a heads up on few issues that he needs to address to rebuild his relationship with our children, the kids are showing some anger and expressing some negative talk with regards to how they feel towards him and how they see him ...he didn't at first like it, but eventually "i think" realized that i wasn't being a bitch i was trying to look out for my kids, i don't want them to grow up angry or confused about their dad or future relationships!!

 

That conversation seems to have gone right over his head, had some pretty negative contact today via email with him today, feel yet again he's been pretty tactless on what was meant to be his day for seeing the children

 

I can see this is gonna be one long journey, i cant wait for things to settle and get into a as normal as possible routine:(

[TaraMaiden]

Rule one:

never bad-mouth your ex-spouse to your kids.

 

Rule two: never be a bridge between your ex-spouse and the kids.

It's not your job to make allowances, or amends for HIS behaviour.

 

Rule three: Whatever opinions they formulate about your ex-spouse, is their prerogative. Don't try to calm it, rationalise it, explain it or diffuse it. They feel what they feel, and they have every right to feel it if they want to.

 

Rule four: If they want to give your ex-spouse a piece of their mind, let them. And as for agreeing to see him? let them lead that, not you.

 

Rule five: You - be the best parent you can be, for you and your kids. But don't ever think or believe you have to play both roles. It's hard enough being a mum without having to be the dad as well.

[Shocked Suzie]

thank you!! i felt lost in what to do!

 

I've not bad mouthed him, ive even tried to be open minded with regards to them meeting the GF... through gritted teeth

 

I'll follow these rules they totally make sense, i felt that its not their fault this is happening and it made me so sad to see anger in them when ive never seen that in them before... that's why i said something i promised myself it was a one off, wish i hadn't of bothered now

 

I do wish my kids would speak up but they wont say a word....im just gonna go back to focusing on us and let him row his own boat, even if in the end he stuffs up an already fragile relationship that he now has with our kids

 

 

thanks heaps xxx .... back to NC again, bliss

[TailSpin75]

Suzie - I have recently had a near identical experience!

 

My kids express a bitterness about their mother when I am with them. I encourage them to discuss their questions and concerns they have for her - with her directly. I let them vent to me and express their thoughts and feelings and it is so painful to be a witness to their struggle.

 

When I discussed this matter with STBX (a couple of weeks ago) she claims that she doesn't see it when she is with them. I told her I was just pointing out some of the things I heard them bring up and that they may be reluctant to approach her with them. How she handled it was up to her, but thought she should know to help them out.

 

STBX seems to be turning a blind eye to their struggle and I do understand that the kids are different with me than they are with her. (Just posted on my thread how my oldest told me last night 'mom doesn't seem to know how hard this is'.)

 

I've since adjusted to taking as much of the burden from them as I can. I too never speak ill of their mother to them - in fact I feel like a recording always referring them to her or their therapist with direct questions. I do feel bad that the children seem to be 'seeing' their mother differently - it's heart breaking that they do not see her in the same light they did before and they suffer the loss of that connection with her. I fully believe that kids should have a trusting, comfortable, and loving relationship with each parent and it's truly shocking that she cannot see the damage she has caused them or she feels that her relationship with them is 'good' when it's clearly damaged (a point my kids have shared with her sister too!).

 

I approached this once with STBX and I will not do that again.

Edited March 21, 2013 by TailSpin75

[Mr. Lucky]

I approached this once with STBX and I will not do that again.

My experience has been that it's tied into the same skill set - if they can't see during the marriage the damage they're doing to the relationship, they have a hard time seeing during the divorce the damage they're doing to the family. Their "journey towards a more fulfilling life" (my xW's quote) comes with someone else paying the fare...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TailSpin75]

Mr Lucky - do they ever come to understand or see the wake of destruction they cause? I know people are all different and each story is unique... but how about in your experience?

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr Lucky - do they ever come to understand or see the wake of destruction they cause? I know people are all different and each story is unique... but how about in your experience?

My xW did eventually come to her senses. Within a year she broke things off with her "true love", wanted to reconcile with me (offer declined) and became an effective co-parent as we shared custody (I had him 3 nights a week) of our son. But there was a post-separation period of insanity where she took all the furniture and possessions from our home, hid my son on days I was to see him (I'd go to her place at the prearranged time and no one would be there), claimed my support checks hadn't arrived, etc.

 

I guess I could say that, by her actions, she eventually achieved some level of understanding that her behavior was destructive. And we went on to interact cordially over the years at events involving our son. But I never had any post-divorce conversation seeking closure or acknowledgement from her as I simply wasn't interested in revisiting the topic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TailSpin75]

Thanks for sharing Mr Lucky. I have a friend who's EX left him for another man (about a year ago) - she too has begun to reach out to him in an effort to reconcile; they have a 3 year old son. He is on the fence as to what he wants - he said that he's wanted her back for so long and thought he had moved on - wishes she'd never turned back at all. I do not believe he will take her back but I'm not confident.

 

I have no fantasies about reconciliation (though we can't help what we want) and I search for closure from within. The rational mind knows and understands what take an eternity for the heart to fully accept. I have no desire for conversation and wrestle only with myself between what I know to be true and what I want to be true; it seems natural that with enough time equilibrium will be reached. What I crave more than the old life, more that companionship, and more than anything is emotional peace.

 

I am happy that things settled enough to allow a cordial relationship for the benefit of your son.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am happy that things settled enough to allow a cordial relationship for the benefit of your son.

It almost seems counter-intuitive, but the tipping point seemed to be when I met and become involved with my now wife. Perhaps my xW figured out that the drama was wasted time and energy, I wasn't coming back.

 

If I could give just one piece of advice, it would simply be to take the long view of issues and problems as they arrive. Especially with kids involved, you're going to be doing this delicate dance for many years. Were divorce an Olympic event, Usain Bolt would not win. It's a marathon...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shocked Suzie]

Suzie - I have recently had a near identical experience!

 

My kids express a bitterness about their mother when I am with them. I encourage them to discuss their questions and concerns they have for her - with her directly. I let them vent to me and express their thoughts and feelings and it is so painful to be a witness to their struggle.

 

When I discussed this matter with STBX (a couple of weeks ago) she claims that she doesn't see it when she is with them. I told her I was just pointing out some of the things I heard them bring up and that they may be reluctant to approach her with them. How she handled it was up to her, but thought she should know to help them out.

 

STBX seems to be turning a blind eye to their struggle and I do understand that the kids are different with me than they are with her. (Just posted on my thread how my oldest told me last night 'mom doesn't seem to know how hard this is'.)

 

I've since adjusted to taking as much of the burden from them as I can. I too never speak ill of their mother to them - in fact I feel like a recording always referring them to her or their therapist with direct questions. I do feel bad that the children seem to be 'seeing' their mother differently - it's heart breaking that they do not see her in the same light they did before and they suffer the loss of that connection with her. I fully believe that kids should have a trusting, comfortable, and loving relationship with each parent and it's truly shocking that she cannot see the damage she has caused them or she feels that her relationship with them is 'good' when it's clearly damaged (a point my kids have shared with her sister too!).

 

I approached this once with STBX and I will not do that again.

 

well at lease we now know this is the norm and its sadly all part of the horrible process. Yes mine too said that the children never express any concern or show too much emotion when he is with them....of course there not going to! they don't want to rock the boat any more than it already is!! and they love him and don't want ot upset him in the time that they see him.

 

I spoke to the kids last night and just said that i'm hear if ever they need to talk or vent, but they do need to express their feeling and communicate with their dad when needed...i said and know he would be fine and happy with them talking to him, even if it would be hard for him...at the end of the day he's created this situation, he needs to deal with it.

[Shocked Suzie]

If I could give just one piece of advice, it would simply be to take the long view of issues and problems as they arrive. Especially with kids involved, you're going to be doing this delicate dance for many years. Were divorce an Olympic event, Usain Bolt would not win. It's a marathon...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you for this..

 

Without doubt i have woken with a new outlook on things, time for real positive change....i just hope i can keep within this frame of mind now and really begin to move forward, I'm done with dwelling on what was and what i used to dream of what could have been. I've got my kids, even if I loose everything financially so what! In my role of work everyone leave this world the same way, why stress over what you've got as long as you have love of those who are important to you and they love you back the same way

 

Onward and upwards....

[Mr. Lucky]

well at lease we now know this is the norm and its sadly all part of the horrible process. Yes mine too said that the children never express any concern or show too much emotion when he is with them....of course there not going to! they don't want to rock the boat any more than it already is!! and they love him and don't want ot upset him in the time that they see him.

One thing you have to be careful of is that kids in that situation learn to suppress their emotions and internalize their feelings to get approval.

 

 

While my son joked recently that dealing with his Mom at that time was good preparation for the corporate world, it's not the healthiest SOP for a 5-year old.

 

 

Glad you're keeping the lines of communication open with them...

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shocked Suzie]

One thing you have to be careful of is that kids in that situation learn to suppress their emotions and internalize their feelings to get approval.

 

 

While my son joked recently that dealing with his Mom at that time was good preparation for the corporate world, it's not the healthiest SOP for a 5-year old.

 

 

Glad you're keeping the lines of communication open with them...

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

5

 

Yep I ask them every now and then if there is anything they want to talk about, sometimes they talk about the seperation, school .... its good. Although things are a little settled at the moment, have one or two house moves to do...then once we're settled im pretty sure my XH will start pushing again for them to meet the GF....SO much to look forward to!!

[TaraMaiden]

When he pushes, diffuse it by seeing what they want to do about this.... give them the choice. See what they say.

You can only control your life and attitude. You can't - and shouldn't - influence theirs.

 

Sadly - they may like her.

But that doesn't replace you.

 

They may play her down and tell you she's dull, uninteresting and ordinary.

That might be to spare your feelings....

 

She may well feel highly nervous about meeting 'his kids'.... it's a lot to think on.

 

So many dynamics at play.... ultimately, all you can do is focus on how it makes YOU feel personally, and just deal with that.

 

Remember the 'Lighthouse' analogy I mentioned a while back....

 

Imagine a lighthouse, far out from the shore, on a rocky promontory; The lighthouse is completely surrounded by water, and this water is never the same, in appearance, two days running; there may be wild storms, high winds, calm, mill-pond, hazy summer days, deep, sullen, black, turbulent nights, high seas, low fogs, blizzards, tempests and waves, twenty feet high, rising majestically and crashing against the rocks, sending blinding salt-heavy spray up and over the top beacon.

 

Yet, look.... the lighthouse is still; imperturbable, solid, motionless and steady.... it continues to shine, calmly, reliably, no matter what the elements may bring.

 

And so, like this lighthouse, we should be.

Knocked and buffeted by whatever surrounds us, comes at us or rises to impede us.

We simply endure, accept, and 'rise above' it all.....

[cherrypum]

hmm, often when things like this happen you will find the

mother talking bad about the dad.

or try to contact him like its for the kids while its cause she is mad and bitter.

 

i would not even say a word about his new gf. cause

thats not my business.

 

i think you need to worry about getting him to help financially.

and get a social worker or something or go to the court to

make some aragements about how to deal with the parenting if both of you are not getting somewhere.

 

do your part. and let him do his.

at the end he will have to pay for not doing his part.

and that will shore be when the kids gets older and confront him.

 

beside dont stand in the way of them and their dad.

cause mothers often stands in the way cause of their anger.

[seriously-let-down]

My STBXW has a child, the child misses me and i miss them. But I have no parental responsibility, I'm scared to see her in case I'd be accused of anything. Funny situation to be in. Sorry to read that a real father has nothing to do with his own children.

[Shocked Suzie]

hmm, often when things like this happen you will find the

mother talking bad about the dad.

or try to contact him like its for the kids while its cause she is mad and bitter.

 

i would not even say a word about his new gf. cause

thats not my business.

 

i think you need to worry about getting him to help financially.

and get a social worker or something or go to the court to

make some aragements about how to deal with the parenting if both of you are not getting somewhere.

 

do your part. and let him do his.

at the end he will have to pay for not doing his part.

and that will shore be when the kids gets older and confront him.

 

beside dont stand in the way of them and their dad.

cause mothers often stands in the way cause of their anger.

 

I can hold my head up high with regards to not bad mouthing either of them to my kids..i cant be bothered and wouldn't mess with them emotionally in that way. As far as im concerned the day he walked out on his kids is the day we was over...she is welcome to him and his emotional baggage...you only live once he should be able to live it as he pleases, just a shame it has to effect the kids..as for me im over the initial shock of it all and see things as to how they are...happy now to move forward

 

I want nothing more than for them to see their dad, sadly this at the moment will be restricted as his GF is seen by them as the cause of their dad leaving as our home life was very happy and affectionate to the very last day...the kids like me was very shocked when he told us of his affair...but whats done is done, no point on trying to make matters worse than they already are by trying to screw with whats left...he just seems at times to have his priorities wrong and sadly the kids have showed signs that they have noticed this.

[TaraMaiden]

....once we're settled im pretty sure my XH will start pushing again for them to meet the GF....SO much to look forward to!!

 

Hope my post wasn't inappropriate.

I may have read too much into this.----^^

 

[Shocked Suzie]

I can hold my head up high with regards to not bad mouthing either of them to my kids..i cant be bothered and wouldn't mess with them emotionally in that way. As far as im concerned the day he walked out on his kids is the day we was over...she is welcome to him and his emotional baggage...you only live once he should be able to live it as he pleases, just a shame it has to effect the kids..as for me im over the initial shock of it all and see things as to how they are...happy now to move forward

 

I want nothing more than for them to see their dad, sadly this at the moment will be restricted as his GF is seen by them as the cause of their dad leaving as our home life was very happy and affectionate to the very last day...the kids like me was very shocked when he told us of his affair...but whats done is done, no point on trying to make matters worse than they already are by trying to screw with whats left...he just seems at times to have his priorities wrong and sadly the kids have showed signs that they have noticed this.

 

He actually sees them all the time through out the week, never stood in the way of those visits, its a couple of things he's done ....they have stated they feel second best

[Shocked Suzie]

When he pushes, diffuse it by seeing what they want to do about this.... give them the choice. See what they say.

You can only control your life and attitude. You can't - and shouldn't - influence theirs.

 

Sadly - they may like her.

But that doesn't replace you.

 

They may play her down and tell you she's dull, uninteresting and ordinary.

That might be to spare your feelings....

 

She may well feel highly nervous about meeting 'his kids'.... it's a lot to think on.

 

So many dynamics at play.... ultimately, all you can do is focus on how it makes YOU feel personally, and just deal with that.

 

Remember the 'Lighthouse' analogy I mentioned a while back....

 

Thanks Tara

 

Yes i understand, its not going to be easy i know...i have said to the kids that they may like her and that im sure their dad has a good judge of character....ive even said "as we emigrated" have no family here that it could be like an extended family...it will be fine in time im sure, its early days and i have to deal with the fact that im going to loose my home, which has taken over most of my time and energy atm

 

thanks for you comments on my post, you are very wise x

[Shocked Suzie]

Hope my post wasn't inappropriate.

I may have read too much into this.----^^

 

 

??? lol confused

[TaraMaiden]

My reply seemed long-winded, taking into account that i was specifically responding to a two-line comment of yours.....

[Shocked Suzie]

My reply seemed long-winded, taking into account that i was specifically responding to a two-line comment of yours.....

 

 

Oh my...no! yes reading too much into it

 

Luv your lighthouse post btw so very true, getting stronger each day

[Shocked Suzie]

4 days off and the offer of having the kids for however long he wants and they get 3hrs a take away on the last day of the Easter wknd! I'm saddened how such a good loving dad becomes so detached

[TailSpin75]

I feel the pain you have for your children Suzie and find that I'm also heart broken for mine in how their mother 'treats' them. STBX has full physical custody (for the next almost 5 weeks) and I take them as much as I can. Where I once saw STBX as a solid mother - I now see (as do the kids) someone who is 'checked out' when they are with her.

 

It's one thing to battle our own emotions regarding STBX - but things seem to be taken to a whole new level when we become a witness to our childrens struggle as a result of 'who' they (STBX) really are.