Broke up with him bc he jerked off to pics of girls he knows

[mallory.song]

I'm so heartbroken and confused...

 

I know this is long, but please, please help me.

 

After celebrating our year anniversary, I was at his apt. He was asleep while I had a lot of work to do so I've been doing work on my laptop and I've been looking at his...

... while browsing his stuff I found out he had porn. I already knew he was into porn and I was fine with that...

 

... but when I kept scrolling, I found out my boyfriend keeps pictures of his friends that are girls that he knows (and I know too) and jacks off to them... I know this because they're in weird angles and screencapped next to porn. It looks like he secretly takes pictures of them/obtains them.

 

I'm so heartbroken right now because I went through a traumatic first relationship because my first emotionally cheated on me and I don't know what to feel about this.

 

For one, I feel betrayed because my bf knows exactly what I went through with my first relationship. He was the first one I opened up to and he listened to me and was there for me. He was there when I was in pain.

It took me 4 years to recover from that and I told him what I expect out of a relationship and told him what are my scars, insecurities and all...

 

I left his apt. while he came up with excuses like "sexual attraction and love aren't the same thing so it was okay." and he told me he was going to delete them before I saw them. These pictures were taken while we were in the relationship. He did say sorry but I don't feel that's enough. I was angry and devastated. I think I was in love with him. I never told him.

 

===

 

He has been calling me incessantly and it feels like it's been affecting him. I didn't answer any of his calls/txts. I'm a bit mad at him bc I'm in the middle of a huge project/deadline. I was emotionally drained and didn't sleep for 2 days. When I woke up and started working, my roommate opened the door to find him knocking and begging to talk to me for a second chance. I got mentally prepared to talk to him. My sisters/friends advised me to make a clean break and remain as friends for closure...

 

He sincerely apologized and it felt like he was very affected by this. He told me that he would change and really wanted this to work out, telling he cared about me so much and needed me in his life. Though a part of myself wanted to give him a second chance, I took my sister's advice and ended it, while being honest and open as possible. This is the first time I've seen him cry.

 

Is this considered cheating? Grounds for a breakup? Am I overreacting over his fantasy? Should I forgive him? Would he really change? Is it too late?

 

It's been a day since it happened and he hasn't called me. I miss him and I can't believe this is all happening. It was only a couple of days ago we were having fun and happy with each other and going out. Our relationship was also very passionate so I more than satisfied his physical needs... I don't know what went wrong. I'm just shocked and devastated...

 

Should I give him a second chance? Would he still care about me and feel the same after the next month? Should I move on? Where do I go on from here?

 

Please help me out here... thank you

[Toddbt12y1]

It is emotional cheating.

 

With that said, a few more things:

 

1) Follow your sister's advice was excellent. Keep following it.

2) Do not listen to any excuses he gives. What he did was wrong; he will give you excuses, that will play on your heartstrings.

3) It is sickening that he is taking photos of these girls, without their consent. He could have charges pressed against him for that.

 

One thing to masturbate to porn(he should to you, imo, not porn). But another to have unwarrented pics of girls you both know...

 

You are justified in this.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Toddbt12y1

[cavalier99]

Hmmm im not sure? i dont think the beating off part was that big a deal and could be worked thru....but if he is secretly taking pics it is sorta disturbing. dont know. cav

[destroyed4sho]

He has a voyeur fetish. Not sure if fetishes can be worked through.(look it up). Taking pics of unsuspecting girls is not cool and creepy.

[Thunderchild]

Yep -this one is a bit of a shocker. The photos is defo odd/wierd (poss illegal). Choking the Chicken is possibly solvable. Give yourself time and space to work out what you really feel for him. Don't give in to his emotional blackmail!!!!!!!!

 

Take it easy and follow what your heart tells you!

[mallory.song]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I'm really distraught so I wanted some perspective/validation/comfort... more validation and comfort.

 

The past two days I got pretty divided opinions based on which gender I ask and when it's guys they think I'm overreacting and called me a little girl and stupid while women told me that's grounds for having his thing removed... lol.

 

So bc porn is okay, a bf masturbating to pics of girls he personally knows as friends is also fine as long as he never puts it into action? It's only cheating when he puts it into action by having sex/making out? What is he going to do when the opportunity comes, like when he's lonely, horny and the girl is available? Since he's always been fantasizing about it, doesn't that make it easy for him to give in if he's tempted? Emotional cheating isn't cheating at all because it's all in his mind?

 

What about the fact that he secretly took pics of them or that he hid them till now? This issue is nullified because I snooped so am I in the wrong too?

 

To me cheating is anything you would do with the opposite sex that you wouldn't do with your significant other standing beside you.

 

I'm so confused bc I posted this same thread in another section (second chance) and the guys replied that I was overreacting and it's not cheating and I was wrong for snooping...

[Toddbt12y1]

Well, this forum has various opinions. Everyone is giving you their personal opinion, and it is just that. In the end though, it is how you view it, that really matters. Honestly, if you feel he violated your trust, and cheated, then he did. You have grounds to show he has emotionally cheated on you.

 

What you think in your head, truly matters. You become grossed in something, and it gets worse and worse. It shows: he takes hidden pics of other girls(that is truly disrespectful of you as his girlfriend, and truly sickening.) I am sure he didn't just up and start taking pictures of other women...He probably played it out inside his head, in his mind.

 

The mind is the heart, and the heart is the mind: You can taint it easily. Thoughts can become action(doesn't mean his will though); it is up to the person and their willpower in the end...As to what happens. Emotional cheating is just that: Cheating with your thoughts. I think of screwing some pornstar or some girl, other then the one I am with: I have cheated inside of my heart(mind), or emotionally cheated.

 

It doesn't always carry the same weight as actual cheating goes, but it is nonetheless bad. It is like a white lie: it doesn't seem bad at first, but it can become bad. He has proven an unhealthy obsession with these girls. Thinking about them is one thing(he is human ,and so are you, and us, and we will think of dirty lil things we ought not too, and we all are guilty of cheating emotionally)......But to go out and actively take pictures shows a sharp decline in his mental status.

 

Maybe it started out as just porn; but it progresses. Porn is and isn't bad(?)...That is subject to the person....As it can slowly lead to more destructive behavior...as can any addiction.

 

Would he sleep with one of these girls, whom he jacks off too? If they walked up to him butt-naked and asked him to **** him...Maybe? Maybe not? It depends on his willpower....Ask yourself: What has his willpower shown you thus far....Does it show wavering?

 

Then ask yourself this: If you had been the one taking pictures of other guys, and masturbating, would he be very upset/leave you? It is easy for other guys to judge you....but the opposite side of the coin would reflect very similarily: They wouldn't like it if their woman had done the samething.

 

In a way it is cheating. In a way it is not. He hasn't slept with any of them. Yet, in his heart he has. Yet, his dick hasn't been inside of one of them. How do you feel? Disrespected of course! In the end, it is up to you: If you feel as though he can overcome his sickening fetishes, then you two can move past this indeed.

 

If he shows he is unable too, or lies: Then you have your answer, no?

[KatZee]

Yeah, the issue for me isn't that he was jerking off to pictures of girls he knows or that he has porn. It's the fact he took these pictures without them even knowing. That is SUPER creepy. It's on par with installing a hidden camera in a woman's bathroom to watch her shower and pee.

 

He's taken pictures of other girls. How are you positive that he's not taken pictures of you??

 

I would run from this one.

[mallory.song]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

It reassures me and eases my pain a little.

 

I just... I just can't believe this has happened in a matter of days and it hurts so much. I thought our relationship was the real thing. He always went out of his way to help me become a better person. He'd tell me what I need to hear and would drive over 40 miles to see me and never complain. He always told me he believed in me and I can grow and be successful as an artist. I loved him so much...

 

I found out the truth about him on the same day we both went to church and he chatted with my family and we had lunch with my sister. We were celebrating our year anniversary over dinner and making plans for the future.

 

When I broke up with him he said he would change, he wouldn't hang out with those girls but I find it hard for a 28 year old man to change his ways. He said he was very sorry this happened during a big deadline (I need to complete my film for my college graduation and recent events have put me off schedule) and he said that he would help me finish my film. I told him that I would give back his stuff by next week and he wanted me to hold onto them longer. Why is he doing this?

 

I'm almost tempted to agree to his help because I don't have enough time and could use help to finish and also because he was helping me finish my film before my relationship ended.

 

I feel like an emotional wreck. I miss him so much. He's stopped contacting me and it feels very sad. I think I was very attached to him. A part of me wants to call him or meet him once more...it wants to give him a second chance. Would he still love me after a month? Was it the real thing? Would he have changed? I keep asking questions that go nowhere and it's haunting me.

[ThatJustHappened]

Porn is fine. Taking voyeuristic pictures of your friends without them knowing is not fine, it's creepy and disturbing.

 

You did the right thing dumping him..he needs help. You should tell your friends to watch out.

[mallory.song]

I decided that I'll use this thread to vent out on things that happened like a personal journal.

 

I posted some stuff (music, pictures, words) on my tumblr and I recently found out (after I posted) that he had been following me and liking my posts. It's like a private blog no one except for a few friends know about. How the hell did he found out? Then shortly afterwards he fb msged (deactivated and reactivated because of school/work business) me that he wants to see me and talk to me again and then he tells me he has stuff to give back to me. I made up my mind that I'd just drop his stuff in a box/bag and drop it in front of his door and have him do the same. I didn't tell him this yet but he's making it so hard for me. I unfriended him, deleted his contact number and though I do miss him so much because I loved him I know in my mind this shouldn't work out... It's just, he's making it harder on me. Now that I didn't reply to him he's starting to txt/call me again... UGH! Why is he doing this to me?

[iouaname]

How exactly did he take "secret pictures?" Were the pictures of the girls nude pictures or were they just regular pictures?

[mallory.song]

*sigh* If you want me to go there (this is painful)...

 

Some pics seems like he took them with the other girl knowing.

 

Some pics do look secret because they are from behind and don't show their faces but only focused on their butt/crotch/legs while they're watching tv, reading a book, playing games.

 

What's even more ****ed up is that in some pictures (a series of them compiled in a folder) you can tell that the girl was unaware that he was taking a picture of her legs and butt while she was lying down on the bed, then she realizes when she turns around and she was smiling/enjoying the situation... It makes me feel sick because that same girl is in a committed 6-year relationship with my ex's roommate.

 

We're in the same social circle/professional field/community as artists/filmmakers and I know some of us are promiscuous, but I didn't know some of my classmates had degraded morals.

 

Also I don't understand -- the fact is, he emotionally cheated on me and he even agreed while we were going out that stuff like this was unacceptable so how does having secret pictures vs. regular pictures make it any less wrong or right? Since he told me upfront that things like that were wrong, that's a deliberate lie on his part... and he didn't even fess up. I was the one who found out... and even when I found out, he first started giving excuses that this was okay.

 

I don't know what the intent of your question was, but I'm really angry and confused.

[KatZee]

Well he wants you to hang on to his stuff longer b/c he feels this is an "excuse" to see you. If you give him all his stuff, and block him on fb/email/phone etc., then it's done. And he has far less of an excuse to have to see you.

 

How did he find your blog? That's a good question as well. Especially if you never told him about it and it's not easily searchable... who knows what else he's doing that's sneaky. Maybe going through your stuff.

 

It's going to be painful but don't run back. You're going to feel the shock of being alone and single for a few weeks but it gets easier each day and as each day passes those love glasses come off and you start to see things more clearly.

[ThatJustHappened]

BLEH! It's not even the point that he emotionally cheated on you. The point is that he's a filthy pervert and what he's doing is invasive and wrong. You need to inform the girls that he took pictures of ASAP.

[iouaname]

*sigh* If you want me to go there (this is painful)...

 

Some pics seems like he took them with the other girl knowing.

 

Some pics do look secret because they are from behind and don't show their faces but only focused on their butt/crotch/legs while they're watching tv, reading a book, playing games.

 

What's even more ****ed up is that in some pictures (a series of them compiled in a folder) you can tell that the girl was unaware that he was taking a picture of her legs and butt while she was lying down on the bed, then she realizes when she turns around and she was smiling/enjoying the situation... It makes me feel sick because that same girl is in a committed 6-year relationship with my ex's roommate.

 

We're in the same social circle/professional field/community as artists/filmmakers and I know some of us are promiscuous, but I didn't know some of my classmates had degraded morals.

 

Also I don't understand -- the fact is, he emotionally cheated on me and he even agreed while we were going out that stuff like this was unacceptable so how does having secret pictures vs. regular pictures make it any less wrong or right? Since he told me upfront that things like that were wrong, that's a deliberate lie on his part... and he didn't even fess up. I was the one who found out... and even when I found out, he first started giving excuses that this was okay.

 

I don't know what the intent of your question was, but I'm really angry and confused.

 

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you angry or to touch on something you didn't want to talk about. I assumed that since you were posting here, you were okay talking about it.

 

The reason I asked is because I thought that perhaps it may have been even a little more than emotional cheating. If the pictures were nude pictures sent to him by girls, then I would have guessed that it's more than likely he was sending nude pictures of himself to those girls in exchange. In which case, that's more than emotional cheating.

 

I went through a situation somewhat similar. In the early phases of my relationship, I found out that my ex had been sending and receiving pictures. This was "before we were official" so it wasn't cheating, technically, but I should have taken it as a sign. Anyway, I felt extremely hurt and played for a fool, and I also felt somewhat disgusted. Like he was no longer "special" to me? Like the fact that so many (and there were a lot) others had seen him naked and that those pictures were all over the place made him feel tainted. He came crawling back, and after a little while, I took him back.

 

It was a mistake, and about a year later he left me because he wanted to go back to doing those sorts of things.

 

I hope the best for you in your situation, because I know the pain you are dealing with.

[mallory.song]

iouaname, no worries. I'm sorry for taking it the wrong way. I'm just really confused/angry/sad/hurt these days and I don't know what to make of this situation at all. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I've known him for 5 years before we were in a relationship... It's painful to think that I'll be cutting him off and it's never going to be the same. I hate him and love him. I miss him a lot while he makes me sick at the same time.

 

my ex has been txting me nonstop, that he's going crazy and wanted a response. I was trying to go NC, but I wanted to explain it to him one last time so I sent an email. I'm currently at home where my sisters are and they are constantly reminding me that I should forget about him.

 

I just feel empty. I feel tempted to meet him again when he txts me that he wants to see me/talk again. My sister tells me she would set me up with other guys and is trying to encourage me to meet new people, but I just feel depressed.

 

How did other people move on? It took me four years for me to move on from my first one and I don't want this one to take that long. How do others move on?

[lovelyde]

Looks like he was jacking off to pictures of other girls and using your body as a more realistic simulation of how "pussy" feels like.

 

 

You know, when you hear about guys thinking about other girls during sex? I think he was doing just that.

 

 

Sigh. It sucks to hear that he used you as a masterbation tool instead of a real soulmate.

 

 

Anyway, are you in southern California? I read that you were in a circle of artist/film-maker friends. If you want to hang out sometime or need someone to talk to, please let me know. I'm just an asian lady in her early 30's looking for friends in southern California. ^^

 

 

This is not a personal ad by the way. Lol!!! ^^

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly, the jerking off to other girls, even if he knows them, isn't a big deal. Almost all guys jerk off to images/videos/whatever of women that aren't the woman he's dating. It doesn't mean that he'll cheat on you with them.

 

That being said, the picture taking complicates it and strays into the weird/emotional cheating level. If he was just using Facebook pictures of girls he knows in bikinis, that'd be one thing (though still strange, just wank to porn or something) but taking his own pictures of these women crosses a line.

[Simon Phoenix]

Can't even believe that you put up with the dude watching porn. Porn is a creepy and barbaric activity to get involved in.

 

It is also very addictive and destructive when involved in relationships. Usually when people are addicted to porn, like your bf, they are not satisfied with their partner, then they indulge in things like cheating, or creepy things like jacking off to women he takes pictures of.

 

The dude obviously has issues he has to work though, just leave him, and forget about him.

 

Nothing wrong with a little porn. If he's addicted that's one thing, but watching the occasional adult video shouldn't be something to be scorned. Better he watches videos and wanks to them then trying to go out and get women to sleep with him.