Jealousy?

[AnotherRound]

If you were dating someone, and they didn't get jealous regarding others hitting on your or trying to push their way into your life - would you read that as them not being interested?

 

And, is this different for men and women? Do men tend to see this as a "normal" behavior for women - that they get jealous and react strongly to this?

 

What if a girl just doesn't get jealous because she trusts you and accepts that if you wanted to be with someone else, she could leave the relationship? Instead of spending the relationship fearing this, she just accepts that if you ever chose that, there was nothing she could do and would just let you go?

 

And for men - what about self sufficient women? I mean, is that less attractive bc they don't "need" a man in their life, but simply "choose" to have one? Do you need a woman to "need" you to feel secure in the relationship?

[Emilia]

If you were dating someone, and they didn't get jealous regarding others hitting on your or trying to push their way into your life - would you read that as them not being interested?

 

No, I'd read that they treat me like an adult and want to see how I handle it.

 

If someone was hitting on a man I was dating I'd see how he deals with it. If he welcomed the attention I'd walk. I don't show jealousy, I take a step back and watch how someone handles attention.

 

I've found that younger guys think about it like you do, ie they try to create jealousy to gauge interest. Easy to see through that for someone more experienced.

[AnotherRound]

No, I'd read that they treat me like an adult and want to see how I handle it.

 

If someone was hitting on a man I was dating I'd see how he deals with it. If he welcomed the attention I'd walk. I don't show jealousy, I take a step back and watch how someone handles attention.

 

I've found that younger guys think about it like you do, ie they try to create jealousy to gauge interest. Easy to see through that for someone more experienced.

 

Lol - well, I don't see it that way - my bf that just broke up with me seems to though. I approach it like you do - I just don't do it, mostly bc I don't feel it. I just don't feel threatened very often, especially not if I'm in a solid relationship with someone.

 

I am thinking that my bf (now ex I guess) was trying to get a reaction out of me and when he didn't get the jealousy (or begging and pleading and stating how I needed him) that he walked. And it's sad really, bc I really care about him, and really wanted to be with him (and told him this, complete honesty) but without that jealous rage stuff, he seems to have not believed I was "really" into it.

 

Just trying to see if this is a pretty common thing or what - especially from guys.

[Emilia]

Ah, gotcha

 

It's a mark of insecure people whether male or female. I had an ex doing this to me too and he drew lots of conclusions based on the fact that I didn't react. It never occured to him that reaction to me would have equalled somewhat undignified.

 

Anyway, see what anyone else says but to me that s**t equates immaturity and insecurity.

[AnotherRound]

Ah, gotcha

 

It's a mark of insecure people whether male or female. I had an ex doing this to me too and he drew lots of conclusions based on the fact that I didn't react. It never occured to him that reaction to me would have equalled somewhat undignified.

 

Anyway, see what anyone else says but to me that s**t equates immaturity and insecurity.

 

I think so too - but am being told that I am incorrect and that it is sort of my "job" to reassure him (I tried way more than I was comfortable with) and that he knew something about how I felt that I am unaware of. And, I just am not buying that. I felt like he was trying to manipulate things to get a reaction - and I picked up on it, and it made me really uncomfortable. I can't be manipulated into anything - let alone behavior like that (which like you, I find extremely undignified and immature - not to mention, completely unnecessary as there are a LOT of people in this world that I could be dating and NOT have to deal with it).

[AnotherRound]

You know - he did say at one point, "well, let's just move on with our lives then if you can have it either way".

 

Why is it bad that I can continue to function whether with him or without him? I mean, sure, I have to adjust to the break up - missing him, and feeling sad and such - but it's not going to end my life or my world. Is that what he expected? That I would become this hot mess of emotions and wouldn't be able to survive without him? Who finds that attractive? And, if I had cried and manipulated him into staying - how would I ever know if he truly wanted to be with me or was just staying bc he felt guilty or obligated or manipulated into staying?

 

I just don't understand it - and this guy is NOT a young guy. 50 years old - how old of guys do I have to date to find someone that isn't like this? lol

[Emilia]

I think so too - but am being told that I am incorrect and that it is sort of my "job" to reassure him (I tried way more than I was comfortable with) and that he knew something about how I felt that I am unaware of. And, I just am not buying that. I felt like he was trying to manipulate things to get a reaction - and I picked up on it, and it made me really uncomfortable. I can't be manipulated into anything - let alone behavior like that (which like you, I find extremely undignified and immature - not to mention, completely unnecessary as there are a LOT of people in this world that I could be dating and NOT have to deal with it).

 

Ah, he is weak and insecure and threatened by your strength. Nothing you can do about that. The weak resort to manipulation. You were right to pick up on that, I'm sorry your relationship failed but it sounds to me that you weren't with the right person.

[Emilia]

Is that what he expected? That I would become this hot mess of emotions and wouldn't be able to survive without him? Who finds that attractive? And, if I had cried and manipulated him into staying - how would I ever know if he truly wanted to be with me or was just staying bc he felt guilty or obligated or manipulated into staying?

 

I just don't understand it - and this guy is NOT a young guy. 50 years old - how old of guys do I have to date to find someone that isn't like this? lol

 

At first I thought he was really young then something you were saying made me think he was just a dysfunctional person. Unfortunately for him he is too old to grow out of his issues. Weak and gets off on drama.

 

Whatever happens don't take him back when he knocks on your door

[AnotherRound]

At first I thought he was really young then something you were saying made me think he was just a dysfunctional person. Unfortunately for him he is too old to grow out of his issues. Weak and gets off on drama.

 

Whatever happens don't take him back when he knocks on your door

 

Thing is - I was overlooking a lot of this bc he is such a great guy in a lot of other ways. But the more this goes on, the less interested I have become in him. I think he had that planned out differently too - that if he did the disappearing act on me that I would become frantic and hunt him down (which his ex of 17 years often did) and instead he got exactly what he asked for - space, and lots of it.

 

I feel like I gave him multiple opportunities to just be honest with me about what he was feeling and thinking - no games, but he never came through. I got a lot of posturing - with what seemed like an expectation of a certain response from me (manipulation) - but nothing solid, nothing concrete.

 

I emailed him one last time and simply stated how I felt (that I hadn't wanted to end it but since that is what he said he wanted, I took him at his word and would respect his space and that we are understanding that we are both moving on). He has this fear that I will go back to an ex from 2 years ago - but that has never been my plan, although I admit, I'm considering it now since he was so convinced he knew my heart and mind better than I do. (probably not going to happen bc I don't want it - but I admit I'm feeling a bit frustrated with someone trying to tell me that what I think and feel isn't really what I'm thinking and feeling when I KNOW it is and I'm being honest, grrr.)

 

Thanks for responding - I didn't think that this was "healthy" behavior from someone his age - and I knew it wasn't anything I want to be involved in. I just wanna be with someone that plays straight - no games, just honesty and expression and like you said, treating each other like adults. If you tell me something you want, I'm going to take you at your word. If that's not really what you want - then don't get mad when I take you at your word and give you exactly what you SAID you wanted. If you wanted something different, at 50, you should be able to say that... right? lol

[AnotherRound]

I'm sorry, but some things in a committed R are just not okay with me. My man had best let some woman hitting on him know in no uncertain terms that he isn't interested and that I have his heart. Period.

 

In the OP's case, the BF already KNOWS (at least from what I've read here) that she was involved with him for TEN YEARS, and there were unresolved feelings. ANY normal person with a heart would be hurting to find continued, ongoing interaction. I think it was actually quite mature of him to agree to step aside and allow you to explore a future with the other. To try to label it something WRONG with him is, IMO, an attempt to find reasons to feel better about one's part in the whole situation.

 

OMG... lol. There was not continued and ongoing interaction! There were like 4 phone calls in a 6 month period and like two run ins in public.

 

I'm not labeling it "wrong" - I'm labeling it dysfunctional and not for me.

 

And he's single now, so if you want to date him - feel free. But I am pretty certain that you will see the insecurity pretty quickly. Maybe you will give it a chance anyway bc he is a pretty good guy otherwise - but long term? Good luck with it - it's pretty exhausting.

 

I don't need to "feel better" about it - I feel fine with my part in it, as I have said many times. I know that I didn't do anything to increase his insecurity - and if my exMM did, well, that is out of my control (I controlled as much as I could, that's the best I can do). And he could have taken it up with exMM- but instead, he took it out on me. That is not healthy, sorry.

 

This is so weird that you felt the need to come over here and add in false information - exaggerating the contact is ridiculous. Really? lol

[IAmRobot]

IMHO you guys are thinking really selfishly.

 

I often pretend to get a bit jealous to make my girl's day. Who does it hurt?

 

If you know your bf likes it if you get a bit jealous.... for god's sake get a bit jealous. Why is it such a big deal to you? He's not manipulating you, he's not insecure (term that is put onto anything nowadays), he's just a human and like any human likes his ego strokes once in a while.

 

Again, if you can't compromise on something as small as "small attention needs", then you're probably better off alone.

 

Cheers,

[AnotherRound]

IMHO you guys are thinking really selfishly.

 

I often pretend to get a bit jealous to make my girl's day. Who does it hurt?

 

If you know your bf likes it if you get a bit jealous.... for god's sake get a bit jealous. Why is it such a big deal to you? He's not manipulating you, he's not insecure (term that is put onto anything nowadays), he's just a human and like any human likes his ego strokes once in a while.

 

Again, if you can't compromise on something as small as "small attention needs", then you're probably better off alone.

 

Cheers,

 

So, pretend to be jealous even though I'm not? I don't even know if I could pull that off honestly - I think he's see right through it bc I'm not a good actress or liar. Wouldn't that hurt his feelings even more than me NOT getting jealous? I mean, if he figured out that I'm just faking it to "stroke his ego"??? Is that a healthy adult relationship????

[Emilia]

IMHO you guys are thinking really selfishly.

 

I often pretend to get a bit jealous to make my girl's day. Who does it hurt?

 

If you know your bf likes it if you get a bit jealous.... for god's sake get a bit jealous. Why is it such a big deal to you? He's not manipulating you, he's not insecure (term that is put onto anything nowadays), he's just a human and like any human likes his ego strokes once in a while.

 

Again, if you can't compromise on something as small as "small attention needs", then you're probably better off alone.

 

Cheers,

 

Hm sounds like both you and your girlfriend need to grow up

[Emilia]

I mean, if he figured out that I'm just faking it to "stroke his ego"??? Is that a healthy adult relationship????

 

No it's needy.

[AnotherRound]

No it's needy.

 

Honestly, I would expect this from a much younger guy - maybe. But a man in his 50s with grandchildren? In all that time he hasn't been able to learn to self validate? I don't know, it sounds pretty unhealthy (and undesirable) to me. Not that exbf is a bad guy - he truly isn't - but that's a bit too much dysfunction for my taste. If I'm having sex with him (and I was, lol) I'm not sure why he needs the jealous rages too to feel like a man. Um....

[IAmRobot]

So, pretend to be jealous even though I'm not? I don't even know if I could pull that off honestly - I think he's see right through it bc I'm not a good actress or liar. Wouldn't that hurt his feelings even more than me NOT getting jealous? I mean, if he figured out that I'm just faking it to "stroke his ego"??? Is that a healthy adult relationship????

 

Well in a normal relationship you should be a bit jealous (or say uncomfortable) IMO. And I'm not saying act weirdly irrational, but the thought of your bf leaving, or betraying you should bother you a tiny bit...

Does betrayal not bother you?

If you really don't care if he stays or leaves.... Then you probably don't really care about him...

 

I don't think he walked away to try to manipulate you hun... I think he walked away because he just didn't feel your love. Love is about FEELING, and if you can't feel anything even in the most extreme circumstances (i.e him betraying you or leaving you), then maybe you just can't Love altogether.

Believe me, I think a lot of people in his place would do the same.

 

IMHO, you're just too proud to show signs of jealousy and that's a big problem in a relationship. You have to know how to put WE before I.

 

Cheers,

[KathyM]

If a guy is purposely trying to make you jealous, then that shows insecurity of course. But if women are just hitting on him without encouragement by him and you don't react, that shows a lack of caring enough about the relationship. Nobody wants their SO hit on by others. If a person shows that they don't care if people hit on their husband/SO, people usually would interpret that as being that the person doesn't care enough about him, and that she is OK with other women crossing boundaries with her SO because she's not invested enough in him. Your boyfriend probably interpreted your lack of response as lack of caring about him.

[AnotherRound]

If a guy is purposely trying to make you jealous, then that shows insecurity of course. But if women are just hitting on him without encouragement by him and you don't react, that shows a lack of caring enough about the relationship. Nobody wants their SO hit on by others. If a person shows that they don't care if people hit on their husband/SO, people usually would interpret that as being that the person doesn't care enough about him, and that she is OK with other women crossing boundaries with her SO because she's not invested enough in him. Your boyfriend probably interpreted your lack of response as lack of caring about him.

 

I think he did - but honestly, I just didn't feel threatened. I believed that he loved me and would be faithful - so there was no reason for me to be jealous. I laughed about it sometimes, bc it was a bit humorous to see someone trying to insert themselves, but jealous? Nah - maybe if I had felt threatened, but I never did. I just trusted him and didn't think he would choose someone else.

 

I did show feeling to him - I just didn't overreact (which is what I would consider getting all jealous bc someone else paid him some attention). I just didn't feel jealous bc I was secure in his interest in and devotion to me. I would have never guessed that a man would want a woman to act all "psycho"... I thought they hated that? lol

 

I can't express feelings of jealousy if I don't have them. Too bad for him that is in no way any indication of what I feel for him. I was telling him and showing him daily how I felt about him - but he needed that jealousy thing? That's weird to me - and seems awfully gamey - ????

 

And he was pretty jealous of my exMM - so maybe he was upset that I wasn't threatened and he was? Honestly, he had no reason to feel threatened, and I did all I could to help him see that - but it's up to him to believe it or not, and to feel secure (I offered to do anything he needed to help him with that).

 

This is so strange to me that people truly equate jealousy with love or investment and equate not having jealousy to being unemotional or not caring. I don't think jealousy is a "normal" emotion - why would you feel jealous if you are secure in your relationship? Why wouldn't you just laugh it off? Unless of course you are insecure and truly believe that someone can "steal" someone from you that really cares about you - which I don't. If we are good together, and have a solid relationship, I don't think anyone can influence my SO away from me - and if they chose to go elsewhere, well - that is their choice, they are an adult.

 

Game playing is ridiculous and does not show commitment or investment - it shows insecurity and immaturity and really terrible communication skills (not being able to just say what you mean and mean what you say).

[Emilia]

I think a bit of pride goes a long way and you only get respect from others if you respect yourself in the first place. I don't think those with fragile egos are suitable for relationships and their desire to cause jealousy is just one aspect of it. The weak blame others and personally, I prefer those with inner strength who are able to face their fears without creating drama.

[AnotherRound]

Women can't go an hour with jealousy and drama. That's what you all live for. Guys don't like this even though women lie and say guys like it.

 

So - if a woman wasn't ever jealous - would you think that meant that she wasn't into you or your relationship?

 

As a woman, I don't do the jealousy thing - I just don't feel threatened by other women when I'm in a strong and secure relationship. Are you saying that you would WANT a woman to not be jealous?

 

I get the feeling you are referring to the "psycho" label that we women have to endure due to some members of our gender equating jealousy with love and commitment... ????

[Emilia]

It is NORMAL for anyone to not want their R partner to be getting hit on by someone of the opposite sex, particularly when there was a past lengthy R involved. To expect otherwise eould seem as though the current R is undervalued.

 

Of course it's normal. How would you handle it though? That's the question.

[AnotherRound]

I think a bit of pride goes a long way and you only get respect from others if you respect yourself in the first place. I don't think those with fragile egos are suitable for relationships and their desire to cause jealousy is just one aspect of it. The weak blame others and personally, I prefer those with inner strength who are able to face their fears without creating drama.

 

Agree x1000. It's that ability to say out loud what you think and feel - without trying to go the long way, or get a response you want. Being able to handle whatever response you get bc you respect that the other person has a right to their choices too.

 

I don't even consider it pride in myself - just security. And, accepting that if someone I with chooses someone else, that's their right - it makes me sad, but not devastated. Do you have to be devastated, not functioning, for it to have been "real"????

[Emilia]

With a conversation. However, if my feelings were invalidated in said convo, I might let the R go. None of us was there. Voice inflections and body language don't carry over in a forum post, so it is impossible to know how this guy felt.

 

I think the thread is about how you react when someone is trying to make you jealous on purpose. This is what was posted in the original post - though there was one other poster that tried to derail it admittedly

[IAmRobot]

You were so secure and prideful that you ended up losing him....

 

Once when I was younger and stubborn I met a beautiful girl. We had the most amazing time of our life, I swear. I was always in control, being more prideful and she was the one who was giving a lot and putting up with my feeling of superiority.

 

My theory at the time was that if I just kept ME, that would mean I was secure, an attractive quality.

 

She absolutely loved me and whenever she'd ask I'd tell her that if she doesn't like this she can leave, being very sure of her feelings for me... She ended up walking... I was too stubborn to realize.

 

When people's prides get in the way it's not a good sign. 2 Prideful people can never be together, they're gonna keep butting heads. Try being humble. You'll learn a lot.

[carhill]

I dealt with this a fair amount since my exW was a hair stylist. I knew she had the capability and street smarts to cut any lethario off at the knees so didn't mind men being who they naturally are, meaning sexually forward with women. She was, by LS standards, obese and men still hit on her all the time. That's a function of our demographic, being more men than women around.

 

She did occasionally wonder why I didn't act more 'jealous' and I simply told her that I have no control over the men nor her, so why spend time and energy on something out of my control. Looking back, it was the same with women I dated/had LTR's with. They do what they do. Ironically, it was a MW who taught me that way back in my 20's. People do what they do.