Jealousy?

[loversquarrel]

Lol - No, I was trying to figure out what I could do that would make him feel better about the situation - bc my ex's behaviors were out of my control. I had done everything in MY power to end the contact - and was up for any ideas he had if there was something I could do that I wasn't thinking of or missing.

 

He even, at one point, said that he thought he might have a talk with my ex - and I told him that I would support him 100% if that would make him feel better, or finalize things for him or whatever. I was on bf's side - not my ex's, and I wanted him to know that.

 

If there was something he was asking me to do that I just wasn't willing or able to do, I would have been honest with him. Problem is, he literally said that there was nothing I could do to make it better bc it was about him and his trust issues - not about me- and he readily admitted that I had done nothing to make him believe that I would be unfaithful or dishonest with him.

 

This post here tells you why he was insecure. He admits it and is telling you the truth about it. He told you it was his own past, his own problems with trust. He was cheated on several times over a 17 yr. relationship and those wounds haven't healed. These interactions with your ex-bf obviously set off a trigger for him which in turn conjured up some very hurtful unresolved pain from his past. Instead of coping properly, he felt that you may do the same no matter the reassurances. He needs to learn trust again, really the only way is through therapy and patience.

 

I see a whole lot of you tooting your own horn about how strong of a person you are, you're above game playing and you aren't the jealous type, and that he's just immature and insecure, etc.

 

You said yourself how GREAT of a guy he is. It's a good thing you aren't jealous, it's healthy for a relationship. From what I understand you guys had been together for only 5 months. That's not alot of time. If you truly are in love with eachother you will both find a way to help it work, things don't always just fall into place on their own, and you may grow closer in the process. Hopefully you both don't miss out on what could be a good thing.

 

Communication and empathy will go a long way. (For both of you)

[chucksagent]

Loversquarrel - "Communication and empathy will go a long way. (For both of you)" - How AMAZINGLY said my friend. I am very impressed. I wish you and I could spread that message across the planet. People are ALL ABOUT what they think SHOULD be, how they SHOULD feel, what THEY want or THINK is right....EMPATHY PEOPLE!!! How about walking in his shoes???

 

Ok, fine, we all clap for you and pat you on the back. You are an impressive person who doesn't get jealous. That is VERY rare and VERY admirable. Now that you've gotten recognized (as you should) for being a mentally strong person....let's focus on the man you love. He isn't....he is insecure (maybe)...he needs to be reassured...People deal with step kids, drug dependency, alcoholism, no job, crappy job, no house, no car, no career, learning disability, blindness, deafness, retardation, no usage of their legs I mean I can go on forever....And I realize having to show some emotion when you don't want to is a huge task for you, but maybe when you look at the task in front of others, it's not REALLY such a painstakingly chore.

 

AND.............BTW..................

 

Another example of FIGHTING for what you want/believe in.

 

When we FIGHT for our kids....or FIGHT for our friends (as I Said earlier)...it shows how much we LOVE them and RESPECT them and CARE for them and WANT TO PROTECT THEM!!! But fight for someone you love...controlling lunatic ~ says the liberals who wants to have no accountability.

 

PRIME EXAMPLE: My SO and I were only dating a few months and a handful of guys were using Facebook to try and flirt with her. I was just getting annoyed and annoyed but she didn't respond. But it still ANNOYED me that these guys were doing it. Finally, after a few times, (one of these guys was married) I posted under one of his comments "Wow, I can only hope you show your wife as much attention as you show my girlfriend."

 

It became the stuff of LEGEND. People I barely know were like "Man, that was awesome! Creeps on Facebook get away with it all the time and think being behind a computer screen protects them. That was awesome! I mean friends, family, mutual friends and family, aquatints, you name it."

 

Now some people will say "wow, he needs to relax and be more secure." No I don't. Anything I care about, if you disrespect it, that's the reaction you will get. STRONG people fight for what they believe in. They don't stand by and let creeps and bad people rummage about doing as they please.

 

So this idea "What can I do?" is a terrible mantra. I think that applies for SITUATIONS YOU AREN'T AWARE OF. i.e. Some people get SOOOO jealous, they won't even let their SO go to happy hour or concerts or whatever. THOSE situations are where you say "What can I do?" That's when BLIND trust comes in. Not when you SEE whats going on and you SHOULD intervene. Lol.

[AnotherRound]

It's a shame you view giving someone what they want as a bad thing.

 

Now, don't misunderstand me. If he was needy across the board, and a pain to deal with, and immature across the board, THEN that would be different. But man o man, you said it yourself, otherwise he was GREAT.

 

Well, if you are looking for a PERFECT person, it might be why you are 50 and still looking. This is not meant as an insult, but as a lesson I had to learn for myself through a LONG journey of self discovery. I was on the EXACT same path.

 

And like you, I also HATE doing something stupid JUST for someone elses benefit. I agree (you are 100% right) that you shouldn't HAVE to play games to make someone else feel safe or secure. Hear me again. YOU ARE RIGHT. You are NOT wrong. But guess what, they WANT a desired outcome, you ARE NOT giving it cause you are too proud, and what did it lead to? It lead to this? So you have to ask yourself if you are happy. If you are, good for you, continue to persecute people because they don't live in your image, but I can tell you from personal experience, it will lead to loneliness. And hey, some people are fine with that, and more power to you. But I personally wanted kids, companionship, and a partner to take on life with.

 

I agree though, I HATE when people allow flirting or jealous situations JUST to elicit a response. That's ironically one of my BIGGEST pet peeves haha so I can totally relate and agree. But as I said, everyone is different. Remember, he is the sum of his parts. So if you love HIM, you should accept even the parts (even if just a few) you wish worked better. Lol. See what I mean?

 

NOW....I will say another thing...BOUDNARY'S ARE NORMAL. I agree with KATHYM 100% that "being jealous" isn't always this DEMONIC thing liberals make it out to be. Like caring about someone and being territorial isn't normal...lol...probably THE most BASIC human instinct hahah to protect something you care about hahaha when you did it to friends or children it's "beautiful" and "healthy" and "loyal" but to a significant other it's "controlling." hahaha ok sheep baaaah baaaaah buy some more of that LIBERAL PROPOGANDA why don't you hahaha and I'm no republican, I'm an independent, and the right has propaganda too (religion), but you guys gotta start thinking for yourselves...Stop it with this gang mentality of whatever the "it people" say is the way. ASK YOURSELF...BE REASONABLE....

 

The REASONABLE thing to do in a situation where someone crosses a boundary is to DISTANCE yourself from that person and ask them to stop. That is NORMAL and REASONABLE. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It isn't controlling or unreasonable to say "Hey, I don't appreciate that guy flirting with you on FB when he can CLEARLY SEE you are in a relationship with me." It's very annoying.

 

And I pick on liberals, because I have a VERY large network of friends. And one time I had a HUGE party (X-Mas) and we had a debate about making infidelity a punishable crime...EVERY SINGLE republican and independant that was there was like "Yeah, I don't oppose it/I support it." NOT ONE SINGLE LIBERAL agreed!!!!!!! hahahah and I can say from knowing them all personally, 1 or 2 of the republicans/independants have cheated on their girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses....at one time or another....BUT, I kid you not, just about EVERY liberal I knew who opposed it was someone who either CHEATED on someone else, or slept with a wife or husband of someone who WAS married....

 

I have no dog in the liberal/conservative race, but I DEF notice as an impartial 3rd party that liberal people tend to BLUR the already clear lines of reasonableness in relationships. Being upset or mad that someone is flirting with your significant other and they ARE NOT stopping is NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE and REASONABLE.

 

Lmao - Who said I was 50???? Not even close to it, lol... Didn't read much past that... sorry! lol

[pbjbear]

That argument doesn't exist, since I even tell her that sometimes I act jealous cuz I know she likes it.

We're communicative and smart enough to fulfill each others needs.

 

And believe me I've been with many many girls and I've never cared about someone so much, but if you say that my feelings are lukewarm... I guess so:rolleyes:

 

 

She must be dumb. Acting jealous when its not genuine means abolsutely nothing.

[GMG90]

Ohhhh, I don't know if I'd read it as not being interested.

 

Some people are like this: "I'm going to see how he handles it. Maybe he'll make it clear that he's not interested and she will disappear eventually."

 

Other people think like this: "I'm going to find out what this person wants by harassing her until she leaves my man alone."

 

You know, in the end it's how you come across. If you just watch or become curious and ask questions (aka not harassing people) then I think it's okay. When the person becomes Hercules and tries to defend the fort, then I'm a little bit taken back...

[AnotherRound]

Ohhhh, I don't know if I'd read it as not being interested.

 

Some people are like this: "I'm going to see how he handles it. Maybe he'll make it clear that he's not interested and she will disappear eventually."

 

Other people think like this: "I'm going to find out what this person wants by harassing her until she leaves my man alone."

 

You know, in the end it's how you come across. If you just watch or become curious and ask questions (aka not harassing people) then I think it's okay. When the person becomes Hercules and tries to defend the fort, then I'm a little bit taken back...

 

Yeah - I agree. I think the exBF took it as me not being interested, and he was very wrong. I just don't show interest that way- and I would be totally turned off if my SO DID show interest this way. I honestly think that he may have went back to his exGF of 17 years - and the break up had little or nothing to do with me, lol.

 

It's fine - he seemed like a great guy and I had a lot of feelings for him - but we didn't date very long, and like I said, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I'm okay with that - there are a LOT of men in this world - he isn't the only one, and I'm not afraid I'm going to be alone (being alone doesn't scare me and I know that there will be someone else for me) - so, all is good.

 

I hope he finds happiness and can overcome his insecurities - but since he is 50, I'm afraid that is there for the long run. Everything works out in the end - we will both be happy, so, no need to get all crazy about a break up, lol.

[AnotherRound]

She must be dumb. Acting jealous when its not genuine means abolsutely nothing.

 

Well - the plot thickens for IAAR poster... lol... nice.

 

Agreed - "acting" jealous is... odd? Why? And, what kind of girl/person needs someone to be jealous to feel liked/loved? I think that's an external validation thing and not something needed by people who love themselves and are secure and confident. I'll have to do some researching on it - but it just makes sense that if you are confident and secure - you wouldn't need others to "make" you feel this way.

[todreaminblue]

If you were dating someone, and they didn't get jealous regarding others hitting on your or trying to push their way into your life - would you read that as them not being interested?

 

And, is this different for men and women? Do men tend to see this as a "normal" behavior for women - that they get jealous and react strongly to this?

 

What if a girl just doesn't get jealous because she trusts you and accepts that if you wanted to be with someone else, she could leave the relationship? Instead of spending the relationship fearing this, she just accepts that if you ever chose that, there was nothing she could do and would just let you go?

 

And for men - what about self sufficient women? I mean, is that less attractive bc they don't "need" a man in their life, but simply "choose" to have one? Do you need a woman to "need" you to feel secure in the relationship?

 

 

I gave the ultimatum at the end of my last relationship ....for two reasons...one i dont share, not into vying for attention or worse feeling left out or neglected..nor do i want to do that to another i prefer mutual exclusivity...and two if he wanted to go i gave him the choice he chose to go and be with her...i never want to feel second best or stayed with out of pity.......it broke me he left.....i have been broken before though....and broken many times after would prefer that than deceit......i would prefer to let go than chain up......it isnt right.......cant force someone to be with someone they dont want to be with, no matter how much it hurts would prefer to get hurt than have someone resent me for begging or pleading...because they probably woudl stay i know that.....so i dont use it.not done in my books...i never beg, never plead.......only to god above...would i ever plead my case.......i think i asked once simply, cant you give her up and try......he said i knew you would say that....then he kissed my foreheadf ..and i said thats it then......we are through.......and he left me.......i ask for honesty,i give it back, i ask questions but i cant change someones mind if they want to leave......no matter how much it hurts i wont beg my heart wiil hold me back from begging...and it is because they are meant to go ....they arent what i need.......or really deserve..i think everybody deserves to eb with someone who truly gets them with no interference from split emotions...I dotn allow jealousy to take hold ....i let go...i am too passionate to allow jealousy to rule me...i like when passion makes me happy not angry resentment.......deb

[chucksagent]

Anotheround - do you like indy music and being unique? Do you also like the Beatles and freeing your mind?

[IAmRobot]

She must be dumb. Acting jealous when its not genuine means abolsutely nothing.

 

Well thanks for insulting my gf . But believe me if you were even 1% like her you wouldn't be in this forum constantly complaining about how many are players just to try to hide the fact that all you need is to be loved

 

Believe me if a guy was crossing the line with her and I would actually be concerned I'd have a serious calm talk with her, that would resolve more things than acting jealous does.

 

Acting jealous a bit (and I'm not saying making a scene), but just asking her about that guy that hit on her and that she'd better made it clear that she is my property is just a way to tease each other and make the conversation fun and also make each other feel valued.

 

But again how'd you know

[AnotherRound]

Well thanks for insulting my gf . But believe me if you were even 1% like her you wouldn't be in this forum constantly complaining about how many are players just to try to hide the fact that all you need is to be loved

 

Believe me if a guy was crossing the line with her and I would actually be concerned I'd have a serious calm talk with her, that would resolve more things than acting jealous does.

 

Acting jealous a bit (and I'm not saying making a scene), but just asking her about that guy that hit on her and that she'd better made it clear that she is my property is just a way to tease each other and make the conversation fun and also make each other feel valued.

 

But again how'd you know

 

Sounds an awful lot like games to me - and maybe, as you mature, you will find less desire to participate. Maybe not - as exbf is 50 and still seems to enjoy it, lol. To each their own - but I will say, if playing games is required for a relationship, I will choose to stay single and avoid the game playing. I'd rather be contentedly single than in a relationship that requires I play games to keep it going. I have far better things to do with my time, lol.

[eleanorrigby]

Anotheround - do you like indy music and being unique? Do you also like the Beatles and freeing your mind?

 

No, you've mistaken her for me.

[IAmRobot]

Sounds an awful lot like games to me - and maybe, as you mature, you will find less desire to participate. Maybe not - as exbf is 50 and still seems to enjoy it, lol. To each their own - but I will say, if playing games is required for a relationship, I will choose to stay single and avoid the game playing. I'd rather be contentedly single than in a relationship that requires I play games to keep it going. I have far better things to do with my time, lol.

 

What games? I feel like we're 100% sincere with each other...

 

And again apparently you DO NOT have better things to do with your time, since you're here... still talking about your ex. But if you wanna convince yourself, to try and protect your EGO... go ahead...

 

My dad always told me that at the end of your days, you're going to make a summary of your life, what everything meant and what you're leaving behind... When that day comes, come and write back here.

 

Cheers,

[2sunny]

Sure.

 

Dated a guy for about 5 months, really into him, things going pretty great as far as I knew (and when I asked him, he agreed, so, not giving me any indication that he was unhappy). Ex bf (who was married, but is now single) had attempted to contact me by telephone about 4 or 5 times? And had run into me a couple of times and attempted to stop me and talk... each time, I let bf know, bc we live in a small town and I didn't want him to think I was trying to hide anything from him at all. He wasn't happy about the contact (understandably, but again, out of my control) - and with bf present, I told the ex that I wasn't interested, that I had moved on, was in love with my bf and didn't want any contact bc I wanted to be in my current relationship with no distractions).

 

Bf was jealous, expressed this (somewhat, in a really roundabout way) and continuously began to think I wanted to be with my ex. No matter how much I told him otherwise (and with bf present, blocked ex's phone numbers and any other contacts) he just couldn't believe it. He admitted that he had no reason not to believe me, and that it stemmed from his own insecurities from being repeatedly cheated on by his last partner (of 17 years).

 

Recently, he "threatened" to break up with me bc of this. I calmly explained to him that if he wanted to end the relationship, I would respect that. He became really hurt by that and said that if I could have it "either way" (I guess with him or without him) that we should "just move on with our lives". To which I agreed in that, if that was his choice, again, I would respect it. I did express that I didn't want to break up, that I didn't want to be with my ex (and wouldn't even if bf and I weren't together), and loved my bf - he still didn't believe it.

 

It seems your old R with the xMM has gotten in the way of your new R.

 

I don't blame the new guy... Since you haven't totally cut off the xMM - you still appear attached to him.

 

You may think not - but look at how mant threads and words you type about him here.

 

I think ANY guy you date isn't gonna dig it.

 

You want a new guy? Let go of your past.

 

You want the xMM - then stop trying to be interested in new guys.

 

Make your decision - stick with it.

 

IF you want someone new - be fair to them and the new R - completely cut all ties with the ex so that the new guy knows and sees evidence that its completely over.

[loversquarrel]

I think if he was in it for the games he wouldn't have broken up with you. I also have a hard time believing he was as jealous as you say....it's usually the overly jealous possessive types that do the stalking, not the leaving.