mallory.song Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I posted this in breakups, but I felt this topic was applicable here too and I just want more advice bc I'm so heartbroken and confused... I know this is long, but please, please help me. After celebrating our year anniversary, I was at his apt. He was asleep while I had a lot of work to do so I've been doing work on my laptop and I've been looking at his... ... while browsing his stuff I found out he had porn. I already knew he was into porn and I was fine with that... ... but when I kept scrolling, I found out my boyfriend keeps pictures of his friends that are girls that he knows (and I know too) and jacks off to them... I know this because they're in weird angles and screencapped next to porn. It looks like he secretly takes pictures of them/obtains them. I'm so heartbroken right now because I went through a traumatic first relationship because my first emotionally cheated on me and I don't know what to feel about this. For one, I feel betrayed because my bf knows exactly what I went through with my first relationship. He was the first one I opened up to and he listened to me and was there for me. He was there when I was in pain. It took me 4 years to recover from that and I told him what I expect out of a relationship and told him what are my scars, insecurities and all... I left his apt. while he came up with excuses like "sexual attraction and love aren't the same thing so it was okay." and he told me he was going to delete them before I saw them. These pictures were taken while we were in the relationship. He did say sorry but I don't feel that's enough. I was angry and devastated. I think I was in love with him. I never told him. === He has been calling me incessantly and it feels like it's been affecting him. I didn't answer any of his calls/txts. I'm a bit mad at him bc I'm in the middle of a huge project/deadline. I was emotionally drained and didn't sleep for 2 days. When I woke up and started working, my roommate opened the door to find him knocking and begging to talk to me for a second chance. I got mentally prepared to talk to him. My sisters/friends advised me to make a clean break and remain as friends for closure... He sincerely apologized and it felt like he was very affected by this. He told me that he would change and really wanted this to work out, telling he cared about me so much and needed me in his life. Though a part of myself wanted to give him a second chance, I took my sister's advice and ended it, while being honest and open as possible. This is the first time I've seen him cry. Is this considered cheating? Grounds for a breakup? Am I overreacting over his fantasy? Should I forgive him? Would he really change? Is it too late? It's been a day since it happened and he hasn't called me. I miss him and I can't believe this is all happening. It was only a couple of days ago we were having fun and happy with each other and going out. Our relationship was also very passionate so I more than satisfied his physical needs... I don't know what went wrong. I'm just shocked and devastated... Should I give him a second chance? Would he still care about me and feel the same after the next month? Should I move on? Where do I go on from here? Please help me out here... thank you Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Is this considered cheating? Grounds for a breakup? Am I overreacting over his fantasy? Should I forgive him? Would he really change? Is it too late?Should I give him a second chance? Would he still care about me and feel the same after the next month? Should I move on? Where do I go on from here? Half those questions are redundant. So, only you can define cheating/grounds for breakup/if you should move on, but to me, no its not the worst thing in the world. I'm a dude though, I'm sure opinion on this will break along gender lines. That means I think you are overreacting and pushing some of your past baggage onto this guy. It almost seems like you relish being a victim. At some point in your relationship he was bound to screw up somehow (so would have you), but you immediately bring up 'how can he do this to me knowing my past'. Well your past is always going to be your past, only you can stop having a trigger finger on it, ready to shoot it and use it against any guy who screws up in a relationship with you in any manner. Get counseling for your past so you can truly make it your past. Now the big question--why snooping? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Love Bytes Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 IMO, you're over-reacting. Is it wrong? Yes. Should you confront him about it and tell him how you feel? Yes. Is it cheating? I'd say no. It's a little wierd...most guys fantasize about other girls, even ones they know, but don't usually keeps pics of them in their porn folder. Either way, if there's no acting on it, and it's simply fantasy...I wouldn't consider it cheating. I'd say talk it over with him, tell him how you really feel, see how he feels, and try to move past it. This shouldn't affect your self-respect in any way. If he actually cheated, I'd say kick his ass to the curb in a second. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Flier Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 That would creep me out. Secretly taken photos? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 if he cried over you, well, that's big deal for a guy, he must have strong feelings for you, some men don't even talk to a lass Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Just because a man cries, he loves you? Meh. Some men can fake the tears as a manipulation tactic. And even if it is "love", it seems rather warped. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 What about the part where you violated his trust and privacy? Fantasies are no where near the level as cheating. So he has a kink, big deal! Every guy fantasizes about people he knows or has met...and about thousands of women he has never met. Women do the same, so get off your high horse! You said the relationship was going well. Why isn't that the measuring stick? Face it, a good relationship makes you uncomfortable, instead you sabotaged a good thing. He shouldn't have to erase his porn nor pretend he doesn't have fantasies. In a truly healthy relationship you would join in. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 What kind of secretly taken photos? Like upskirt photos? Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I'm actually curious and not trying to sound facetious: Would you be okay if your gf had pics of her male friends next to pics of porn dudes and you knew she fingered herself and got herself off looking at them, thinking of those particular friends? Half those questions are redundant. So, only you can define cheating/grounds for breakup/if you should move on, but to me, no its not the worst thing in the world. I'm a dude though, I'm sure opinion on this will break along gender lines. That means I think you are overreacting and pushing some of your past baggage onto this guy. It almost seems like you relish being a victim. At some point in your relationship he was bound to screw up somehow (so would have you), but you immediately bring up 'how can he do this to me knowing my past'. Well your past is always going to be your past, only you can stop having a trigger finger on it, ready to shoot it and use it against any guy who screws up in a relationship with you in any manner. Get counseling for your past so you can truly make it your past. Now the big question--why snooping? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I think you made the right move. My take is that if given the chance, he is likely to take advantage and have an affair. Just my take. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 What about the part where you violated his trust and privacy? Fantasies are no where near the level as cheating. So he has a kink, big deal! Every guy fantasizes about people he knows or has met...and about thousands of women he has never met. Women do the same, so get off your high horse! You said the relationship was going well. Why isn't that the measuring stick? Face it, a good relationship makes you uncomfortable, instead you sabotaged a good thing. He shouldn't have to erase his porn nor pretend he doesn't have fantasies. In a truly healthy relationship you would join in. Yeah, guys always jerk off to women who aren't their girlfriends. This is common and means absolutely nothing. The only concerning thing in this situation is that they are pictures he himself took and they are of a slightly sketchy nature. if they were random bikini pictures on Facebook, then it'd be no big deal. Fantasy is not equal to reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I'm actually curious and not trying to sound facetious: Would you be okay if your gf had pics of her male friends next to pics of porn dudes and you knew she fingered herself and got herself off looking at them, thinking of those particular friends? Wouldn't care in the least. As long as she was faithful, I wouldn't care who my girlfriend pleasured herself to. Link to post Share on other sites
Bigcitydreamer Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 I can put up with a lot of crap but I would honestly never put up with this! This is beyond gross. Find someone better then that. Imagine marrying a dude who took pics of girls he knows and jerks off to them. That's the weirdest thing ever. So sorry you have to go through this. But you were def right to dump him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Simon, I am sure alot of women would not be interested in you if that is your opinion. Well, if women actually think that then they aren't going to have very many options to choose from. There's a reason why porn is a billion-dollar industry, and that's not because their client list is exclusively single men with no prospects. This is the way the overwhelming majority of men operate. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Secretly taken pictures of his friends for his jerkoff collection ..... NEXT! That is so creepy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bigcitydreamer Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Well, if women actually think that then they aren't going to have very many options to choose from. There's a reason why porn is a billion-dollar industry, and that's not because their client list is exclusively single men with no prospects. This is the way the overwhelming majority of men operate. No one said there was anything wrong with porn. It's the fact that he took pictures of girls that they both know and jerks off to that. If you don't think that's weird then I don't know what you would consider weird! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 No one said there was anything wrong with porn. It's the fact that he took pictures of girls that they both know and jerks off to that. If you don't think that's weird then I don't know what you would consider weird! Why don't you reread my post where I addressed that before jumping in. I said that part was the troublesome part. Actually, I'll be nice enough to get it for you. Yeah, guys always jerk off to women who aren't their girlfriends. This is common and means absolutely nothing. The only concerning thing in this situation is that they are pictures he himself took and they are of a slightly sketchy nature. if they were random bikini pictures on Facebook, then it'd be no big deal. Fantasy is not equal to reality. Link to post Share on other sites
lastresort Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 I do find this a little weird. This is coming from a photographer who has photographed many girls posing for porn and things like that. Usually they want to give it as a gift. I do have a folder in my XXX folder of some of the girls I have shot. my XGF and have actually looked at them together, I didnt want to hide them from her. Kind of weird when it is unposed photos that he is keeping and shooting. Do these girls know he is even taking the photos? Also you said screencaptured does that mean maybe these girls sent them to him. With the angles girls shoot themselves with their phones maybe they sent them to him. Either way sounds weird and not sure if that is curable. Good luck with this decision!! Link to post Share on other sites
germain Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 So he took pictures of them without their consent? That's not appropriate and you should be looking elsewhere. Pictures these girls sent him? Same as above. Anything else it may just be innocent fantasies. If a guy thinks of a female acquaintance (which we all do) and pleasures himself vs looking at a picture and doing the same thing is there really a difference? Who knows if the fantasies would ever materialize if given the chance, but you do seem important to him from the way you describe the situation. You cannot expect to be happy with him if you're bringing along the baggage from your past relationships. You shouldn't have snooped into his things. Even if you do find something, it never works out for the best. You're not at any sort of advantage knowing what you know. You typically do yourself more harm as even if you can bring it up, who wants to be seen as the untrusting snoop? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Well great! Cause less competition for me to all the women! Unfortunately for you the world does not work in this way. Link to post Share on other sites
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