ONE NIGHT STANDS (last time) What if somebody asks?

[Ed]

OK. This is my last post about this subject (did I hear applause in the background?). You may also want to refer to the two previous posts with the subject ONE NIGHT STANDS...

 

Most everyone posting on this subject, so far, seems to agree that your own personal sexual history is nobody's business but your own. But, what do you do if someone asks you about it? How do you respond?

 

Here's the scenario:

 

You've been dating someone for a while, things are going good, and one evening - the subject comes up and he/she whips this question out on you, "Have you ever had a one night stand?" or "How many sex partners have you had?"

 

What do you do?

 

1. Tell them it's none of their business.

 

2. Evade the question by asking another question.

 

3. Just answer the question and let the chips fall where they may?

 

P.S. This is for the benefit of those like David's ex-girlfriend, who was trashed by him for choosing option #3. (see the post "I don't know what I'm doing anymore" by David)

[Nic]

DO NOT CHOOSE OPTION #3!!!!

 

this could possibly be equivalent to opening pandora's box, and you just don't need that. you could be opening yourself up to all sorts of judgments and you don't deserve that kind of crap.

 

OPTION #2

 

if you evade the question, they will think you have something to hide, get paranoid and jump to their own conclusions and you could possibly end up at option #3, which is what you don't want.

 

CHOOSE OPTION #1

 

i think a lot of us have learnt from the postings in recent days and possibly from our own experience (i had a similar one to david's ex a few years back) and there's one lesson to be learnt - it's your own private business and of no relevance to the present.

 

if the person gets offended by option #1, which may lead to them thinking you are evading them, as in option #2, still don't proceed to option #3. i say:

 

OPTION #4

 

LIE if you really feel that none of these options will satisfy this other persons curiosity, or the truth will upset them. i know a lot of people won't agree with me, but no one needs to be cross-examined and hung, drawn and quartered over something that happened before you met this person. that is unjust and unfair to be grilled about it when you did nothing wrong. it's just not important to know someones sexual history unless you have good reason to fear that STD's may be involved. even then, it's never hurt anyone to get tested if someone is that paranoid about STD's.

 

what they don't know won't hurt them, so yeah, i'd lie if they were grilling me about it.

[Tony T]

Most people will not go there. But if a woman asks me about my sexual history, I just say that's personal and change the subject. If they persist, I never see them again because that shows a wanton disrespect for my desire for privacy.

 

On the same subject, I think if a guy breaks up with a very nice girl because he learns of some prior sexual activities that he judges improper, the girl is a whole lot better off without him. A man who makes judgements about a person due to past experiences, mistakes, growth processes, etc. is pretty worthless to a woman who wants to build a healthy, open and trusting relationship.

 

There are many people who are just very open by nature and God bless them. But with such a sensitive subject as sex, openness is not quite the virtue it is otherwise.

 

As far as one night stands go, I will say my bedroom has always had two night stands and they are very convenient, one on either side of the bed.

[joey]

it depends on the situation. if i just started going out

 

iwth a girl, my past would be my business, and i won't

 

tell her about it. and i wouldn't be able to handle her telling me how many guys she's freaked right away either. but after you get to know a person, maybe if you're abbout to marry them...and you want all the cards on the table..it'd be nice to know everything they'd done bfore. or before you have sex with a girl, it'd be a good idea to find out if she's a virgin or not. only so you can ask her if she's gotten checked for aids or other diseases. same for guys. besides that...either say that it's a personal matter, like tony said...or i'd lie and bring the number down. sometimes i can't go around telling the girl i'm going on a date with 'hey i've had 8 1-nite stands' cuz she may think that's all i want from her. so sometimes if you're put on the spot...you can lie and lower the #.

[Someone]

it depends on the situation. if i just started going out iwth a girl, my past would be my business, and i won't tell her about it. and i wouldn't be able to handle her telling me how many guys she's freaked right away either. but after you get to know a person, maybe if you're abbout to marry them...and you want all the cards on the table..it'd be nice to know everything they'd done bfore. or before you have sex with a girl, it'd be a good idea to find out if she's a virgin or not. only so you can ask her if she's gotten checked for aids or other diseases. same for guys. besides that...either say that it's a personal matter, like tony said...or i'd lie and bring the number down. sometimes i can't go around telling the girl i'm going on a date with 'hey i've had 8 1-nite stands' cuz she may think that's all i want from her. so sometimes if you're put on the spot...you can lie and lower the #.

I agree with that! My fiance and I have talked about it and we both don't really care or want to know. He knows around how many guys I have been with, and I know around how many girls he has been with. We don't exact numbers or whether or not they were 1-night stands or not. Personally, I do not want to know! I don't want to think about how many people he has been with and I know he doesn't want to think about how many I've been with. We just both know that for what ever reason our past relationships and so on, did not work out and that is how we ended up together! He would never leave me because of something that happened before I met him, and I would never leave him!

[Deejette]

I really don't think it is relevant to a relationship to tell how many 1-night stands a person has had. That was then and this is now. Getting into the gory details of past sexual experiences can be more than a current lover wants to know and it doesn't serve any purpose.

 

It may be very destructive, as we can see from some of the posts on this site. If a man volunteered to me that he had had 100 1-night stands in the past, I might start thinking, "What is wrong with this guy that he hops from woman to woman?" But that behavior was in the past and he doesn't do that any more. Nevertheless, that image of him shagging endless rounds of chix might tarnish the happy thoughts I have of the person as he is now.

 

So it is best to leave the past alone, and especially not blurt it all out in the beginning phases of the relationship. After he or she tells you they love you, then you might just hint at the fact that in the past you did not have the satisfyingly emotional experience you have with this lover and the superficial 1-night stands you had in the past only point out how special your committed relationship is.

I agree with that! My fiance and I have talked about it and we both don't really care or want to know. He knows around how many guys I have been with, and I know around how many girls he has been with. We don't exact numbers or whether or not they were 1-night stands or not. Personally, I do not want to know! I don't want to think about how many people he has been with and I know he doesn't want to think about how many I've been with. We just both know that for what ever reason our past relationships and so on, did not work out and that is how we ended up together! He would never leave me because of something that happened before I met him, and I would never leave him!

 

[sparkle]

Ed, this is a great post. I'm glad you asked this question.

 

It made me think a lot about it. I agree with most of the responses so far.

 

If I just started dating someone and they asked me, I would (nicely) tell them 1. it's none of their business. I'd let them know that this was a personal matter and I did not wish to discuss it, nor did I wish to hear about his past.

 

But one of my weaknesses is that I'm a VERY CURIOUS person. Yes, curiosity kills the cat, but I like to know anything and everything. I'm like those 3-yr old kids that go around asking "Why?".

 

So I know once I've been dating a person for a long time, and we REALLY like each other, I like to know all about him, and I'd want to know how many partners he'd had. But I don't think everyone should go around asking whether their partner has had a one-night stand. I would ask it only because I know it wouldn't bother me or make me think less of the person in any way. People that are very insecure or have low self-esteem would especially have a problem handling it, I think.

 

Even if he told me he'd had 10+ one-night stands in the past, I wouldn't be bothered by it. Now this is different than if I had asked him when I had just met him. If you hardly know the person and he tells you he's had 10 one-night stands, you might wonder if he's got any STD's or wonder if that's all he wants from you. And I'm sure if I found out at the beginning, those thoughts would cross my mind, because I would hardly know him and it would be very unfair to him.

 

So later in the relationship, after I knew him and judged his character and personality only from the way he treated me and what he showed me during our relationship, then his past was his past and it wouldn't affect me at all.

 

Also if I knew the person was willing to accept me for me, and accept all of me, he would accept all the choices I've made, the things I've done, and the mistakes I've made as well. In that case, even though it's none of his business, I might feel comfortable sharing it with him if he really wanted to know.

 

So, in most cases it's best not to disclose it, but there are always exceptions. And I guess if a person asks you and you do decide to tell them, their reaction to it can actually be helpful to you. It can show you whether they're the type of person to insult you by holding it against you or judging you just by your past. In that case you'll realize that you don't want to waste time being with that person anyway.

 

(more to write, continued..)