Destiny2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 I am with a married man also. I wish I could leave him. I've tried over 5 times in the past 2 years. I always go back. How can I just get over him, I am so attached. He works a lot, so I see him maybe once a week, sometimes I go 3 weeks without seeing him. I'm pretty good with not calling. I give him is space. It’s such a long story. And we connect mentally so well. Actually, it’s not even that sexual, cause we've only had sex twice, but every time I see him, I give him oral. So mostly I feel that he is using me for that, when I would rather be used for sex. I am miserable with him, and miserable without him. I know I am a bad person for doing this, but I am addicted and I can't stop. Last year I would think about him every minute, now the past year, I only think about him about 3 or 4 times a day. It’s great. But it’s so hard to leave, and stay away. I don’t even like kissing him,,,I only like the hugs and “other stuff” I have no feelings AT ALL when I kiss him. I have no interest in ever being serious with him such as marriage, I never did. But I still have this attachment. I still feel this need to solve things, to have all my questions answered. If he doesn’t call me back that day (and yes, I wait all day, not just a few minutes, told you I’m good at not calling!), I get upset. As if it’s something personal, but I’m not sure. His job is very busy, he works 12-15 hour days. He said he doesn’t love me. We are both aware of this and we both understand what type of “friendship” this is. I know he doesn't love me, and I don't love him either, but I'm attached. I am a good girl turned bad. I love doing this. but in reality I hate doing it and I want to stop, but I can’t. I break it off, then I go running back. I need help. I hate this so much. Unless one is in a situation like this, they will never understand. I believe if someone can make it thru being the "other women/man", then they can get thru anything in their life. :-( I've been so depressed lately over this. I don't know what to do anymore. I could usually council myself. But not lately. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 try hard on your own. If you failed then seek professional help. Try to stay strong and consistant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 Yes, I've tryed very very much on my own. I have been thinking about professional help. But I'm scared to tell the therapist this because it can't ever get out. I don't want anyone knowing- ever. Its only between me and him. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Talking to a therapist would not make it go out. It will help you out anyway. That's what they are therefor. If you feel like you want to see a therapist you should go without any question about it. You cannot risk your whole future for something not going to work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 see that's the thing, its not like it ruins the rest of my life, cause I do live on, I do go out, and I see other guys and I do my own thing. This is a like some "side fun". None of my friends know about it. Nobody does. I really want to leave him though. I go from hating it to loving it. I go from crying about it, to laughing about it. It's so weird. When I am ignoring him, and I've decided to leave him, or when we've discussed it, and I tell him that I don't want to see him anymore,,,after a few days, I miss him so much, just knowing that I don't have him cause I broke it off. Like what if I need something from him. It's not just sex. He gives me advice, he is great to talk to, and I feel that I can always go to him if I have a problem. Its more like I don't want to loose a friend. Too bad this friend has "benefits" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 I know I sound selfish and like a whore, but this is such a turnaround for me. I've only had one boyfriend and he was my only sexual partner. When this MM took an interest in me, I couldn't believe it cause he is so goodlooking and has a great life for himself. I am, well was such a good girl. I never slept around, I never drink, no drugs - nothing! now my only bad side is this. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and I believe this MM was brought to me to open my mind. I was very closed minded when it came to relationships. I was very jealous of things my boyfreind (at the time) did and anything that happened. This MM relationship has opened me to many more things, and now I can understand how a man can cheat on his wife or girlfriend, or how a women can cheat. Now I realize that it can, and probably will happen to me when I get married. It's like, I regret doing this, but at the same time, I don't regret it, and I'm happy it happened to me, cause I am so open minded about relationships, sex, and cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Are you increasing or decreasing ? Growing or shrinking? you need to be honest wit yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 well, most of the time, i'm unhappy. so i'm shrinking. i'm getting depressed. i'm gaining weight. i want this to end, but i want to be sure that i won't be tempted to go back. i will never have a chance like this again in my life, and i'm afraid of loosing someone so good. I didn't ask for him, I never had interest in him. He took interest in me while I was still with my boyfriend, but I told him no, I told him I wouldn't cheat on my man. And he waited for me, he waited until my boyfriend left for college (we broke up cause of the long distance thing). Even though I like it 50% of the time, I still have that 50% that wants it to end, and its overpowering the other 50%. My problem is that I'm so attached, I am having trouble staying away to this "good thing" Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 So obviously you started to realize that you are loosing more in this relationship than you are gaining out of it. It couldn't at all be a" good thing". The only thing you are missing is enough courage and honesty to face reality. You were torn between two ends: acceptance and rejection. That's what's causing you to unrest and it will eventually drive you creasy. You need to stop and sort out things. You are wise enough, I believe, to decide for yourself. If gaining weight will continue it will bring with it many health hazards. It will stay like that so long as you continue to live in denial. You are forcing your whole system to accept the unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
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