Affaired down

[nofool4u]

Ok, so in keeping my promise to not post in another section of this site, I will bring the discussion here.

 

The term "affaired down", can't say I have ever used it or care to even worry about whether a WS traded down during their affair. I just don't care.

 

But something caught me and it was one of those "really???" moments.

 

It was said that the term is belittling and rude.

 

So let me get this straight. A BS who is hurting because of the actions of 2 selfish people decides to tell themselves, whether true or not, that their WS "affaired down" is belittling and rude......but what they did to the BS was better?

 

Why do people who screw with other peoples' lives think that a term like that holds any weight to the actions of the two people that selfishly hurt someone else?

 

Really?? It amazes me that 2 people would do that to someone and think the BS has the audacity to say something like that. Mind boggling.

 

If someone who was basically mentally abused by 2 people wants to believe someone "affaired down", so what? Let them have it. Haven't the people that protest the phrase done enough to someone in that situation?

Edited March 21, 2013 by nofool4u

[sweet_pea]

To be honest, I was surprised that some posters were offended by the term.

 

I don't think the term is meant to make a BS feel better. It's just an opinion/observation. I think my xWS affaired down. That's it. I don't feel any different saying that now than I did before saying it.

[carhill]

If someone who was basically mentally abused by 2 people wants to believe someone "affaired down", so what?

 

I think that's a valid perspective. The person, presuming betrayed spouse/partner, is processing the events from their viewpoint and will necessarily speak their truth. I've heard many similar opinions, mainly from MW's who would confide in me regarding their spouse's actions.

 

TBH, with the few MW's who 'walked both sides of the street' as both BW and WW, the stories didn't vary much, only the person. In the former case, it was the AP; in the latter, their spouse. They were speaking their truth. Essentially, they sought to diminish the person they currently or situationally disliked. Their perspective was impacted by their emotional outlook on the person.

 

As the emotions evolved over time, such perspectives apparently changed; for example, one BW who 'hated' the 'loser' she married due to his affair, along with feeling he 'affaired down' with ..... (I can't use the exact words shared here but inferred such from those used) grew to 'love' and 'respect' the 'good man' she reconciled with. Her truth had evolved. I guess it's human nature.

 

So, situationally, such comments IMO are valid and the person making them has no control over how they are received by anyone else and will necessarily bear the responsibility for making them, just as any and all parties to the dynamic each bear their own responsibility for their role in it.

[Decorative]

I think I am really tired of people who have made bad and hurtful choices telling people who were hurt by such actions how they are allowed to react.

 

And I think I am more than a little amazed at the mental juggling it must take to be able to disconnect to a level from humanity to do that.

 

I think if you've been bopping someone else's spouse behind their back, and when they find out they find you lacking in character and compassion and personal quality?

 

You might want to think about why that is.

 

And maybe change course.

 

It's like stabbing someone with a knife and then getting angry that they bled on your rug.

 

I personally try not to use the term affaired down. For me- it takes the focus off the real issue- which was two people choosing deception. Both affaired down, in that respect. But I absolutely admit that when I discovered who she was, and researched who the interloper in my relationship was, she is quite different from me.

[TheOW]

I think these topics also including the stalking and physco ones are just sh*t stirring, these boards are supposed to support all persons in an A wether that be the OW, WS,BS but its becoming a vs match.

 

Everyone hurts in an A .... Everyone !!!!

 

Start focusing on the people who need help and support instead of catty comments, it does no one any good

 

And I mean this from both sides, I just don't want to comment in the other section right now, too much stirring up.

Edited March 21, 2013 by TheOW

[Woggle]

In case some of you haven't figured out yet cheaters tend to major persecution complexes. No matter how much pain they cause they tend to see themselves as the victim.

[TheOW]

In case some of you haven't figured out yet cheaters tend to major persecution complexes. No matter how much pain they cause they tend to see themselves as the victim.

 

Wrong

 

I'm the cheater and I can assure you I do not feel like a victim! Highly defensive to begin with yes but not a victim far from it.

[TheOW]

Well damn. That should have said "TRIP"...not strip. Unless you like to drink in the tub and sing the Bee Gee's greatest hits when you feeling low. Don't judge my music.

 

Damn ..... Does that mean I have to put my clothes back on now ?

[TheOW]

Some people CHOSE to wound themselves.

 

In my book victims deserve more compassion than perpetrators, UNLESS the perpetrator is atoning and trying to NOT perpetrate anymore.

 

 

That's not the point

 

Wether it be self-inflicted or not all persons in (most) A's still hurt. Wether you feel compassion for them or not.

Edited March 22, 2013 by TheOW

[Woggle]

That's not the point

 

Wether it be self-inflicted or not all persons in (most) A's still hurt. Wether or not you feel compassion for them or not.

 

Yeah but I save most of my compassion for the BS who went in the marriage with honest intentions and not the cheater who is using a person's trust and wiping their butt with it or the OW/OM who knowingly gets involved with somebody already married.

[TheOW]

Yeah but I save most of my compassion for the BS who went in the marriage with honest intentions and not the cheater who is using a person's trust and wiping their butt with it or the OW/OM who knowingly gets involved with somebody already married.

 

Completely understand your point of view but my statement is meant in general regardless of what individual parties think. I'm not pin pointing on anyone or asking for compassion I'm just stating that everyone in an A hurts self inflicted or not.

[ComingInHot]

I'll say it again, " I DO believe my husband Affaired "down", because he was definitely less of a man when he chose to cheat on me."

 

As far as exOW, after the treatment I endured until my H took legal steps, pretty sure I could call her Every name on the planet & she would smirk at the power she had over me, but the moment I challenge her being of "lower" class than myself, she'd come at me w/everything she had.

 

She Absolutely could not handle anyone including Jesus thinking they were "better" than her.

 

That's just waaaay to much pressure for me. I'm happy w/myself, flaws & eccentricities alike.

 

And YES during the time she was consciously knowingly having an A w/My H, she was less than me. H too.

 

(Okay, let the railing begin...)

[Woggle]

I only met one of the other men but anybody who smells like that has to be a step down.

[Artie Lang]

like it or not, there are those who have definetly "affaired down." just like there are those who have "affaired up," either in the looks department or financial position of the AP. it's just the way it is.

 

no one likes to be labeled as mediocre, be it the BS or AP.

 

our shallow and materialistic society has engrained this mentality in us.

[HopingAgain]

The terminology is so common because 9/10 times thats exactly what a MM or MW is doing, finding someone to be in a secondary position to the spouse. I can understand why OP would object to this, its not flattering, but it is the truth.

[2sure]

My x did affair down. But only by his own standards. He specifically preyed on women that would be easily impressed with him, or who they thought he was.

 

When I was still in love with him, I used to think he affaired down.

 

But really, being objective....I married down.

[beenburned]

I still see the term to represent a lack of morals, not looks, IQ, or education.

[3blindmice]

These same people also think that any reaction from a BS is unhealthy and undignified. We're not allowed to search for truth or have any unpleasant feelings at all.

 

It's insane!

 

I agree with you.

[BetrayedH]

like it or not, there are those who have definetly "affaired down." just like there are those who have "affaired up," either in the looks department or financial position of the AP. it's just the way it is.

 

no one likes to be labeled as mediocre, be it the BS or AP.

 

our shallow and materialistic society has engrained this mentality in us.

 

I kinda tried to avoid this thread because I tend not to be focused on looks. The appearance of the AP (or anyone for that matter) doesn't mean much to me.

 

But this term originates from a sense of surprise that many BSs have once they see the AP. It's a common assumption (I think) that if our spouse was going to cheat, it must be for someone that is superior in the looks department. Why take a risk of ruining lives for an average-looking person? What tends to happen instead is APs being chosen more by virtue of opportunity rather than some other selective process.

 

I found this to be the case with my wife. The guy was a bit taller than I but otherwise wasn't her "type" at all. In fact, he was balding with glasses. I don't mean to sound mean or shallow. I was just very surprised; my wife could have done better. I assumed that if she was going to wreck her family, the dude would have to have been quite something. But he was just another broken person in need of external validation and willing to compromise his integrity to get it. Suddenly he was a perfect match. I remember once saying to her that if I didn't know better, I'd think she was having an affair with him (her boss at the time). She laughed and said, "You obviously haven't seen him; he's bald and wears glasses." She fooled me with that. I'm sure he would've appreciated that a bunch. But more to the point, I think she knew she was affairing-down, too. For the record, she didn't seem to have much problem letting him go after Dday either.

 

But like Artie says, I'm sure some people affair-up. And I doubt anyone has numbers on it either way.

 

If I had a point to make here, it's that affairing-down is enough of a phenomenon to get its own term and its one that few people would expect until you get your PhD in Infidelity. If you are an AP and it doesn't apply to you, try not to get offended. For those of us that saw our partners affair-down, it's hard to understand and so we discuss it. It's counter-intuitive. It took me a while to realize that the OM wasn't "all that" or better than me. He was an add-on for her (and she happens to be a person for whom nothing is ever enough). She wanted the thrill of another man desiring her, sexting her, etc.. She found a mediocre guy to do it. Congrats.

[waterwoman]

Hey! It was me that said those words. I am a BS.

 

It's belittling to everyone involved. To the OP obviously. To the WS because it implies they are stupid and have poor taste. But most of all to the BS because it implies there is some sort of hierarchy involved - the BS were the best, most beautiful, most intelligent, sexiest blah blah blah - so what happens if the BS slips down the hierarchy? Becomes less beautiful etc? Is the marriage over? I don't want h to be with me because I am the at the top of the tree, I want him to be with me because we fit together and can make each other happy.

 

Relationships aren't like snakes and ladders.

 

Not to mention that 'down' and 'up' are purely a matter of opinion. I suspect if I were married to a true alpha male it wouldn't be long before I was being carted off to the police cells for clattering him one with a blunt instrument! And an Adonis would irritate me fairly quickly too. So who defines good and bad? It's subjective.

 

As for rude? I always avoid rudeness and personal insults. No need for them.

[beenburned]

wisernow,

 

Thanks for that blog on the thoughts of a serial cheater!

 

I think that for people that just want fast available sex on the side, they tend to go where the most opportunities present themselves.

 

Since most people work full time jobs, it is no surprise that in a lot of work environments this is common. It is also common in hobbies/recreation where people spend a lot of their leisure time.

 

But the serial cheaters who have made a lifestyle of it, usually deliberately troll places were people's inhabitions have been lowered by alcohol/drugs like bars or lots of parties.

 

Most of the affairs we read about on the OW side of LS, seem to be fairly long love affairs where there is a lot of emotions/feelings involved. (which is very different than what serial cheaters are looking for)

[beenburned]

FS,

 

You are correct! Some men will say anything to get what they want.(lie)

 

It is only the perception of OW's side of the affair. The WS may have an entirely different perception of the affair.

 

Then there are the brief exit affairs, where the WS loves the OW enough to divorce and start a new life with her.

[Spark1111]

Ok, so in keeping my promise to not post in another section of this site, I will bring the discussion here.

 

The term "affaired down", can't say I have ever used it or care to even worry about whether a WS traded down during their affair. I just don't care.

 

But something caught me and it was one of those "really???" moments.

 

It was said that the term is belittling and rude.

 

So let me get this straight. A BS who is hurting because of the actions of 2 selfish people decides to tell themselves, whether true or not, that their WS "affaired down" is belittling and rude......but what they did to the BS was better?

 

Why do people who screw with other peoples' lives think that a term like that holds any weight to the actions of the two people that selfishly hurt someone else?

 

Really?? It amazes me that 2 people would do that to someone and think the BS has the audacity to say something like that. Mind boggling.

 

If someone who was basically mentally abused by 2 people wants to believe someone "affaired down", so what? Let them have it. Haven't the people that protest the phrase done enough to someone in that situation?

 

Actually, all you have to do is google the term to find several sites explaining it. It is not necessarily a subjective opinion and has nothing really to do with looks or status or education.

 

It has more to do with the willingness to participate in an affair, the reasons why, and the brokenness of both of the APs in doing so.

 

And I agree with you. The moral and altruistic demands constantly placed on BSs to take the higher ground in the face of betrayal has always annoyed me to no end. It is so hypocritical.

 

It's like two, whiny adolescents demanding I, once again, be the responsible adult and not impose any rude consequences on their lying, sneaking, rediculous behavior.

 

I am being asked to respect and forgive their secret love. Uh, no, don't think so.

 

I live in the real world.

[Act Two]

All I read here, over and over, is how WS are broken people. Broken people. What an expression! What a way to slap a label on a person that deems that person off the shelf as worthy of love even if that person is remorseful. If both APs are just "broken people," then there is no affairing down. They simply deserve each other, and then to stay married to that WS or to reconcile with such a "broken person," is really to be married down. I truly can't imagine how reconciliation can occur when one spouse views their spouse as a broken person.

 

 

I'm not trying to take away from the godawful crime inflicted on the BS. I just can't imagine how a relationship can last or thrive with that type of view of the spouse. I realize the WS inflicted the damaged not deserved by the BS. But going forward, isn't the label "broken person" counter-productive towards rebuilding a healthy relationship?

[Snowflower]

All I read here, over and over, is how WS are broken people. Broken people. What an expression! What a way to slap a label on a person that deems that person off the shelf as worthy of love even if that person is remorseful. If both APs are just "broken people," then there is no affairing down. They simply deserve each other, and then to stay married to that WS or to reconcile with such a "broken person," is really to be married down. I truly can't imagine how reconciliation can occur when one spouse views their spouse as a broken person.

 

 

I'm not trying to take away from the godawful crime inflicted on the BS. I just can't imagine how a relationship can last or thrive with that type of view of the spouse. I realize the WS inflicted the damaged not deserved by the BS. But going forward, isn't the label "broken person" counter-productive towards rebuilding a healthy relationship?

 

Act 2, you are one of my favorite posters here. I know that probably doesn't mean a whole lot from a BW but there ya go!

 

If the term "broken people" when speaking about a WS bothers you, perhaps you should think about why it bothers you? Not trying to be snarky here.

 

Oddly enough, the first time I heard the term "broken person" in terms of a WS was from the lips of my H, a WS. I remember it very clearly right after d-day. He said, "I feel like I am broken. There is something inside of me that is wrong." And no, I didn't put that idea into his head first. I had asked him why he would do such a hurtful thing when he had always been such a good man.

 

So, it is not a label just coined by BSs.