Affaired down

[JPMC]

Most people in affairs are so insane emotionally when they get caught, anything that is said out of their mouth should be taken with a grain of salt. What I said to my BS was so arrogant and appalling in hindsight, it was as if an evil spirit had overtaken my tongue.

 

By the way OP, I LOVE your avatar and signature.

[beenburned]

Snowflower,

 

That is the exact same thing my H said to me!

 

He felt like he had a huge black hole inside of him that could never be filled up with enough love, attention, validation, etc.

 

He was raised with parents who were sometimes cold, and not very involved in any of their childrens personal lives. They also were very critical and demanding of the children.

 

Since I have a very long term marriage, I have watched H's personal growth from the early years. He is a good example of how people can overcome things in life to become a much better person!

[Act Two]

Act 2, you are one of my favorite posters here. I know that probably doesn't mean a whole lot from a BW but there ya go!

 

If the term "broken people" when speaking about a WS bothers you, perhaps you should think about why it bothers you? Not trying to be snarky here.

 

Oddly enough, the first time I heard the term "broken person" in terms of a WS was from the lips of my H, a WS. I remember it very clearly right after d-day. He said, "I feel like I am broken. There is something inside of me that is wrong." And no, I didn't put that idea into his head first. I had asked him why he would do such a hurtful thing when he had always been such a good man.

 

So, it is not a label just coined by BSs.

 

Sure, I can see in the aftermath why that label would be appropriate. But after going through the reconciliation process, you don't still think of him as "broken?" I would doubt that you do. My point is that if that label is an ongoing thought process to be applied about the spouse then there is an ongoing imbalance in the relationship.

 

I'm just saying my general impression is that that term is used as an ongoing idea of all WS around here, perhaps too freely. Maybe it's only meant in the context of a person actively in an affair or shortly after.

 

I wouldn't want to reconcile with someone who thought of me as "broken" in an ongoing sense, nor can I imagine why someone would want to reconcile with I person that they viewed to be so broken, or worse, a sociopath.

[Woggle]

All I read here, over and over, is how WS are broken people. Broken people. What an expression! What a way to slap a label on a person that deems that person off the shelf as worthy of love even if that person is remorseful. If both APs are just "broken people," then there is no affairing down. They simply deserve each other, and then to stay married to that WS or to reconcile with such a "broken person," is really to be married down. I truly can't imagine how reconciliation can occur when one spouse views their spouse as a broken person.

 

 

I'm not trying to take away from the godawful crime inflicted on the BS. I just can't imagine how a relationship can last or thrive with that type of view of the spouse. I realize the WS inflicted the damaged not deserved by the BS. But going forward, isn't the label "broken person" counter-productive towards rebuilding a healthy relationship?

 

They can choose to fix themselves but that involved taking responsibility and not playing the victim.

[Decorative]

All I read here, over and over, is how WS are broken people. Broken people. What an expression! What a way to slap a label on a person that deems that person off the shelf as worthy of love even if that person is remorseful. If both APs are just "broken people," then there is no affairing down. They simply deserve each other, and then to stay married to that WS or to reconcile with such a "broken person," is really to be married down. I truly can't imagine how reconciliation can occur when one spouse views their spouse as a broken person.

 

 

I'm not trying to take away from the godawful crime inflicted on the BS. I just can't imagine how a relationship can last or thrive with that type of view of the spouse. I realize the WS inflicted the damaged not deserved by the BS. But going forward, isn't the label "broken person" counter-productive towards rebuilding a healthy relationship?

 

 

When you know better, you do better.

 

Have you ever heard of kintsugi?

 

Kintsugi; healing our wounds with gold. - National Spiritual Coaching | Examiner.com

 

That's what I think of when I think of a wayward who has done the work to repair the harm they caused- and yes, the brokenness that caused it.

[Spark1111]

Sure, I can see in the aftermath why that label would be appropriate. But after going through the reconciliation process, you don't still think of him as "broken?" I would doubt that you do. My point is that if that label is an ongoing thought process to be applied about the spouse then there is an ongoing imbalance in the relationship.

 

I'm just saying my general impression is that that term is used as an ongoing idea of all WS around here, perhaps too freely. Maybe it's only meant in the context of a person actively in an affair or shortly after.

 

I wouldn't want to reconcile with someone who thought of me as "broken" in an ongoing sense, nor can I imagine why someone would want to reconcile with I person that they viewed to be so broken, or worse, a sociopath.

 

If he didn't WANT or TRY fix what was broken, why oh why would any BS stay?

 

When it was discovered, he was at first angry and arrogant but then collapsed in a puddle of shame and remorse. I still didn't want him. HE CALLED it his "period of depression and warped thinking."

 

It wasn't the feelings he developed for another that so hurt, because that can happen to anyone at anytime....it was the blatant dishonesty, lying to my face, and sneaking around like a teenager that just about killed me.

 

He did not have to. He could have told the truth. I loved him enough to let him go, and I had always told him that.

 

That is what adults do. Own their actions. We could have separated, gone to counseling...at least, that is what my young adult and teenage children told him.

[BetrayedH]

All I read here, over and over, is how WS are broken people. Broken people. What an expression! What a way to slap a label on a person that deems that person off the shelf as worthy of love even if that person is remorseful. If both APs are just "broken people," then there is no affairing down. They simply deserve each other, and then to stay married to that WS or to reconcile with such a "broken person," is really to be married down. I truly can't imagine how reconciliation can occur when one spouse views their spouse as a broken person.

 

 

I'm not trying to take away from the godawful crime inflicted on the BS. I just can't imagine how a relationship can last or thrive with that type of view of the spouse. I realize the WS inflicted the damaged not deserved by the BS. But going forward, isn't the label "broken person" counter-productive towards rebuilding a healthy relationship?

 

I am not reconciling as my wife decided to remain a broken person. I had my own brief affair after my wife had hers. I was a broken person at the time, too. I'm not proud of it and I confessed. Frankly, I think saying that a person was broken at the time that they decided to have an affair is a fairly tame term to use compared to some others. My personal view is that people can recover from being in a broken position; they can change. If they do, I think reconciliation is something to strive for.

 

No personal offense was intended. Most people involved in an affair would say that it violates their own personal standards and that they never saw themselves engaging in an affair. If you're against a certain behavior but do it anyway, I'm not sure what else you call it but being broken.

[Act Two]

I'm not taking personal offense- I completely see the point of view of it being a good description of a temporary state.

 

I guess I've been having a reaction from reading day and day out about a WS as a broken person and wondering what that meant from a BS point of view. Again, if it's the point of view held by a BS reconciling then I was starting to wonder how relationships can work, BUT it seems like that is not the case for the successfully reconciled couples here.

 

Sorry to t/j- carry on!

[sweet_pea]

I also wonder, for those APs that view the term "affairing down" as offensive and demeaning, do they also believe the term "affairing up" is offensive and demeaning?

[Got it]

I also wonder, for those APs that view the term "affairing down" as offensive and demeaning, do they also believe the term "affairing up" is offensive and demeaning?

 

Sweet pea, maybe you should ask? For myself, yes, I find both terms to be nonsensical.

[sweet_pea]

Sweet pea, maybe you should ask? For myself, yes, I find both terms to be nonsensical.

 

I did ask on the other thread.

[nofool4u]

I think these topics also including the stalking and physco ones are just sh*t stirring, these boards are supposed to support all persons in an A wether that be the OW, WS,BS but its becoming a vs match.

 

Well then I didn't see you denigrating those bashing the BS's who are hurt and simply wanted to believe their WS traded down.

 

 

Everyone hurts in an A .... Everyone !!!!

 

I realize this, but that is just too bad for the people who entered an affair when they shouldn't have. They brought it on themselves.

 

 

Start focusing on the people who need help and support instead of catty comments, it does no one any good

 

Then I'll expect you to go to the thread to which I was referring and tell them the same thing. But my guess is you won't.

And if you do, I'm sure it won't be with the defensiveness you displayed here.

 

Again, I don't care to think of my x-wife trading down. I just don't care. But what I don't want is someone not thinking I am not entitled to think that way after what she and the OM did to me, and insulting me or anyone else that has had to deal with sh*t handed down to them by 2 other people.

Edited March 23, 2013 by nofool4u

[Spark1111]

I also wonder, for those APs that view the term "affairing down" as offensive and demeaning, do they also believe the term "affairing up" is offensive and demeaning?

 

Maybe they should.

 

Could be a cliched stereotype, but how often do you see a young, beautiful babe on the arms of an older man who doesn't have boatloads of assets?

 

Not too often I would think.