Wellington Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 So, I get a message saying he is miserable, wants a divorce, wants my opinion, really opens up about the issues he is having at home. He has never done this before. Our lives were always separate. I left it as a good luck, never jumped on the "band wagon" nothing. Just said we can't talk, it's counterproductive to what he has going on. He told me to not go away, he is coming back for me? I'm amazing, he misses me blah blah blah.... Is this a tactic on his part? We were NC, I blipped, sent him a generic hope you're well (it was his birthday) and it opened up some sort of flood gate... What to think? Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 So, I get a message saying he is miserable, wants a divorce, wants my opinion, really opens up about the issues he is having at home. He has never done this before. Our lives were always separate. I left it as a good luck, never jumped on the "band wagon" nothing. Just said we can't talk, it's counterproductive to what he has going on. He told me to not go away, he is coming back for me? I'm amazing, he misses me blah blah blah.... Is this a tactic on his part? We were NC, I blipped, sent him a generic hope you're well (it was his birthday) and it opened up some sort of flood gate... What to think? My guess is that he wants to know if you will "wait" for him if he does decide to get a divorce. I wouldn't believe anything he says about divorce until he files and you see the paperwork. There is always a chance he will back out even if he says he is going to do it. If you choose not to continue NC, you should really tell him to get a therapist or at least go see a bartender or something. You shouldn't be getting involved with his marital problems. If he wants to get divorced, he should do it because he is unhappy and wants out. He should not do it explicitly to be in a relationship with you, or else he will probably regret it. Do you want him back? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Do you WANT him, if he leaves? That seems to be the most important question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wellington Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I refused to be the "white elephant" during this process and realize that there will be ALOT of hurt after. "If" there even is an after. I won't be his "band aid" so he will need to be alone for awhile before I would even think of jumping back into a relationship with him. If he manages to sort everything out, takes some time for himself and is willing to start from scratch ie. dating, getting to know each other as an above board couple, yes. I would be interested in having him in my life. I just didn't understand why all of a sudden after two yrs of being completely shut out of his personal life, I got an earful of how bad things were and he wanted to leave. Wondering if it was because I ended it? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 How long were you in NC mode before you texted him on his bday? See, he has read into that. you remembered his bday and he reacted. same old crap. If he leaves and divorces, he can show up on your doorstep after he is divorced. Asking your advice and opinion on it now is pointless. He isn't doing anything, he's just talking and feeling you out. Ignore him. Go back into NC mode, this way there are no new hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 He might be trying to get sympathy from you, and if you go back to him, he'll have both of his lives again, and won't feel the need to get out of his situation. He shouldn't be asking you on opinion about what he should do anyway in this circumstance, due to your history. If he really means what he is saying, you will hear from him again, when things are over with him and his W. I've heard similar stuff before from my MM, only to have him say later on that things are great Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 After two years of NC, there's nothing to talk about. He can let you know if he's ever divorced and see what it means to you. Do not fall for it. Do not be there for him. He might be sincere, but then melt into a puddle of "I can't. Can we have an A?". I assume the A was not what you wanted if you were NC for so long. Now...why did you break NC for his birthday after so long? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wellington Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 We have BEEN together for two years, only went into NC about three weeks ago at my urging then I broke it..... I know, dumb, but I really missed him. He said he missed me too and ALOT of other stuff then the leaving his marriage came up and he just started unloading. I told him I was going away so he could figure it all out. He told me he never wanted me to go away, he had to figure it all out but would come back and to be patient with him. It has been a few days now and not a word. I am giving myself a deadline. I can't keep doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 That's better. I thought you lost your mind after two years That happened to me. Went NC because I couldn't do it anymore and it wasn't to force his hand or anything - didn't give him an ultimatum; it was just "this is making me crazy, I can't continue". He came back soon after about how he realized he wanted to be with me blah blah blah, but needed me there. That ended with me three months later in a much, much, much worse place than if he hadn't dragged me through that part. Proceed as you want. If you want to believe in the two of you, you know best what will put your mind at peace. The key is to get things moving, and not let him use it as a way to keep you around in the A for years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Washingmachine1980 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 People always fuss at me on here because my advice is to be mean and disrespectful to these losers but, seriously, it's the only thing that gets them to go away and stay away. I've tried the nice route and the ignore route and it never works. Sure they might think I'm crazy afterwards but, I never have to deal with fillers for sex later or whatever it is they want later. They just go off and become someone's else's problem. This will teach you how to be more assertive and will increase your self-confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wellington Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 I don't think I can be "mean" to him. He has done some crappy things for sure, but over all he is kind, and caring and I really do love him. Generally speaking, Im not a mean person either. Maybe he realizes this and is doing me a favor by ignoring me? Making up and excuse for "space"? Why tell me he has been contemplating leaving? That just gives me false hope. Tell me something else. Who knows. I have given myself a deadline and I am going to really try to stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 You don't have to be mean, you just need to get him to respect YOUR wish for NC as it's easier for you to not hear from him while he's deciding what he wants. This way you'll be on the healing path and whatever his decision is, you'll be in healthier place. Link to post Share on other sites
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