How do you actually get a social circle?

[somedude81]

This has puzzled me for a long time.

 

I've joined clubs on campus, sports teams and talked to guys in my classes.

 

I've also tried to make some guys friends, got their numbers or Facebook and tried to hang out with them.

 

Nothing ever came of it.

[Eclypse]

Do you still see your high school friends? That's pretty much most of my social circle.

[somedude81]

Do you still see your high school friends? That's pretty much most of my social circle.

Nope, I lost touch with my High School friends a couple years after graduation, and I graduated in 2000.

 

There really only was three other guys.

[2sure]

I have too many social circles and obligations, so I should be able to answer that.

I've involved my daughter too , in an effort to jump start her professional networking...and she now hangs out with a bunch of people socially.

 

Community service , politics..as in a committee, or volunteering in an area that your aspirations are leaning to. She does anti fracking, and immigration stuff.

 

River kayaking, mine. Fencing, hers.

 

Activities that draw a diverse group of people. I've always done that because I get bored with the same people all the time.

 

I've got a lot of friends and interesting people around me...and I'm not even that friendly.

[Els]

This has puzzled me for a long time.

 

I've joined clubs on campus, sports teams and talked to guys in my classes.

 

I've also tried to make some guys friends, got their numbers or Facebook and tried to hang out with them.

 

Nothing ever came of it.

 

Hmm, what exactly does the bolded mean? Did you ask them to hang out and they kept turning you down?

[somedude81]

Hmm, what exactly does the bolded mean? Did you ask them to hang out and they kept turning you down?

That or they couldn't find time, or they just forgot about me.

 

Those times was just me and one guy.

 

Frankly, I've had more luck in getting girls to spend time with me then guys.

[Els]

That or they couldn't find time, or they just forgot about me.

 

Those times was just me and one guy.

 

Frankly, I've had more luck in getting girls to spend time with me then guys.

 

I think some guys are a little iffy about hanging out one on one with another guy that they didn't already know through some group activity. Fear of being perceived as homo and all that.

 

How about group stuff? Is there a gamers club or something in your college or where you live? I made my first group of real college friends there.

 

I think it's great that you're trying to break into a social circle, and I sympathize. I don't find it easy to break in whenever I move (which is more often than I'd like). Often it takes me about a year to get comfy with people, and then they either move or I do.

[somedude81]

I think some guys are a little iffy about hanging out one on one with another guy that they didn't already know through some group activity. Fear of being perceived as homo and all that.

 

How about group stuff? Is there a gamers club or something in your college or where you live? I made my first group of real college friends there.

 

I think it's great that you're trying to break into a social circle, and I sympathize. I don't find it easy to break in whenever I move (which is more often than I'd like). Often it takes me about a year to get comfy with people, and then they either move or I do.

You might be right about the one-on-one thing with guys.

 

As I said in my first post, I've joined clubs, sports teams and the like. When the activity ends, everybody goes their separate ways, or they go with their already established friends.

 

It's almost as if everybody already has friends and doesn't have any interest in making more.

[Els]

You might be right about the one-on-one thing with guys.

 

As I said in my first post, I've joined clubs, sports teams and the like. When the activity ends, everybody goes their separate ways, or they go with their already established friends.

 

It's almost as if everybody already has friends and doesn't have any interest in making more.

 

Well, yes, you mentioned sports clubs, but last I heard you didn't really have an interest in sports. So I'd assume you were just there for the sake of being there, and you might not have anything in common with most of the guys there. I suggested a club that you might actually be passionate for because it might be easier for you to identify with the people there.

 

If I'd joined the squash club back in college I doubt I would have made many friends.

[Crusoe]

 

As I said in my first post, I've joined clubs, sports teams and the like. When the activity ends, everybody goes their separate ways, or they go with their already established friends.

 

It's almost as if everybody already has friends and doesn't have any interest in making more.

 

Thing with a sports club is that it's a competitive enviroment. Many are there purely for the sport. They want to push themsleves, test themselves and compete. They're not necessarily there to make friends.

 

Also, in many sports the guy who is good is the popular guy. It's the way many men work, they want to be around the top dog. If I win a tourney I will walk off the course, sit down and have 20 fella's congregate around the table, if I play bad I will be sitting alone. I'm exactly the same person, but in the world of sport my popularity and social circle depends on how well I play.

 

In all my years of playing sport I've not met many that went on to be friends outside of that sport. It's usually meet, compete, couple of beers, go seperate ways.

 

The friends I have made have usualy come from being involved other aspects of the sport. Teaching, being on committees, being part of governing bodies, volunteering to help juniors, organising social events and competitions etc. They are the non competitive parts and are usually full of people who care and are willing to give a little something back.

Edited March 23, 2013 by Crusoe

[The Outlaw]

It seems to be today more of a matter of who you know. I'm in the same boat as you-

[candie13]

hum... I think you actually need to like those people for them to like you back. Or do something that you really find interesting in order to find people like you. There's no point in joining a sports club with a lot of guys crazy about sports, as chances are, you'll get bored and no one wants to engaged in a conversation with someone who is not having a good time.

 

Ever heard of those personalities you just want to be around? It's because they enjoy their life, their hobbies... try to do that. In my book, friends were a consequence, not the aim in itself... to me, anyway, as a girl, I mean.

[somedude81]

Thing with a sports club is that it's a competitive enviroment. Many are there purely for the sport. They want to push themsleves, test themselves and compete. They're not necessarily there to make friends.

 

Also, in many sports the guy who is good is the popular guy. It's the way many men work, they want to be around the top dog. If I win a tourney I will walk off the course, sit down and have 20 fella's congregate around the table, if I play bad I will be sitting alone. I'm exactly the same person, but in the world of sport my popularity and social circle depends on how well I play.

 

In all my years of playing sport I've not met many that went on to be friends outside of that sport. It's usually meet, compete, couple of beers, go seperate ways.

 

The friends I have made have usualy come from being involved other aspects of the sport. Teaching, being on committees, being part of governing bodies, volunteering to help juniors, organising social events and competitions etc. They are the non competitive parts and are usually full of people who care and are willing to give a little something back.

Hmm, that's really interesting.

 

So people who join the sports teams aren't really looking to make friends.

 

I'm also not some kind of super athlete so I don't perform amazingly.

 

So something non-competitive is best?

hum... I think you actually need to like those people for them to like you back. Or do something that you really find interesting in order to find people like you. There's no point in joining a sports club with a lot of guys crazy about sports, as chances are, you'll get bored and no one wants to engaged in a conversation with someone who is not having a good time.

Where'd you get the impression that I was bored and not having a good time? Cut me a little slack and assume I was on teams for sports I actually wanted to play.

Ever heard of those personalities you just want to be around? It's because they enjoy their life, their hobbies... try to do that. In my book, friends were a consequence, not the aim in itself... to me, anyway, as a girl, I mean.

I think it works much differently for girls than for guys. From what I see, girls are more social and inviting than guys. Just by being there other girls will invite you to do stuff with them and making friends as a girl is super easy. Of course guys want to talk to you as well.

 

As a guy, it seems I have to initiate everything with both women and men.

[candie13]

sorry, one of the guys before said u didn't like sports...

 

it is true that it's a lot easier for girls compared to men. Even as a girl, I am the one initiating the outings with my friends . but to tell you the truth, I prefer it that way. I like to go out to events, concerts, dancing, so of course, I'm inviting people around me to those events.

 

You should do the same - it paid off for me. Just be patient and open minded. I think it's a lot harder to make new friends, once you get closer to the 30, man or woman... not sure your age, but just sayin'

[Mme. Chaucer]

Forging new, real friendships seems to get more difficult the older we become. Having a "social circle," though, is not difficult.

 

You just need to hang in there and do your part. When you say "nothing ever came of it," I read that as your signature passivity. Nothing really DOES "come of it," it's what you make of it on your own. "Your part" means participating, maybe stepping up if a need arises on a project or in the structure of a club … helping out, maybe hosting a social event yourself some day.

 

If you participate in an activity that involves other people, make it one that you actually have an interest in (don't choose it JUST because hot young college girls like it). For you - maybe ballroom dancing. Where I live, there is a community of crazed tango fanatics. They love it. People of different ages participate. They do tango "flash mobs." They organize group trips to Argentina. They host parties. Do performances. Etc. The people really, really love their tango community.

 

One friend of mine (sad and lonely perpetually single woman over 40) has discovered a love of scuba diving. She got certified, and participates in local dives as well as taking really wonderful trips with her group.

 

Will she meet a man in her scuba circle? Who knows. But she has a social circle, and that means a lot. She MIGHT meet a man there. Maybe not a fellow diver, maybe a friend or relative of one. Or maybe she won't.

 

The point is that the "social circle" has value and meaning on it's own. It provides a lot of companionship. It always has conduits to connecting with other people. Participation in one makes YOU a more interesting person.

 

That is the kind of thing that might lead to a relationship, and even if it doesn't, it leads to a greater sense of fulfillment and participation in your own life.

[Roadkill007]

This has puzzled me for a long time.

 

I've joined clubs on campus, sports teams and talked to guys in my classes.

 

I've also tried to make some guys friends, got their numbers or Facebook and tried to hang out with them.

 

Nothing ever came of it.

 

 

Do you want to be part of a social circle, or just have some friends?

 

The only time in my life I was part of a social circle was my freshman year, when I had a big group of us guys in the same hall (it was a unisex hall in the dorms) constantly hanging out, playing games, joking around, etc. I don't really know how it happened, but I think it helped that not only did we share certain interests, but we also had tons of free time. We'd go to lunch and talk about all sorts of things, we'd get on the bus and get lost in the city while searching for places, etc. etc. There were mini groups of closer friends within the circle (I had my own as well), but the circle itself was pretty consistent too. After that year though, all the groups of friends scattered over the dorms, and I was just left with my small group of friends.

[somedude81]

Forging new, real friendships seems to get more difficult the older we become. Having a "social circle," though, is not difficult.

 

You just need to hang in there and do your part. When you say "nothing ever came of it," I read that as your signature passivity. Nothing really DOES "come of it," it's what you make of it on your own. "Your part" means participating, maybe stepping up if a need arises on a project or in the structure of a club … helping out, maybe hosting a social event yourself some day.

Still not sure what you mean by my part.

 

Yeah I've done extra work in school projects but that hasn't got me any friends nor did I expect it to.

 

I've never hosted a social event. I'm not even sure how I could host any kind of event when it's just me planning everything, never mind actually getting anybody to show up.

 

If you participate in an activity that involves other people, make it one that you actually have an interest in (don't choose it JUST because hot young college girls like it). For you - maybe ballroom dancing. Where I live, there is a community of crazed tango fanatics. They love it. People of different ages participate. They do tango "flash mobs." They organize group trips to Argentina. They host parties. Do performances. Etc. The people really, really love their tango community.

 

One friend of mine (sad and lonely perpetually single woman over 40) has discovered a love of scuba diving. She got certified, and participates in local dives as well as taking really wonderful trips with her group.

 

Will she meet a man in her scuba circle? Who knows. But she has a social circle, and that means a lot. She MIGHT meet a man there. Maybe not a fellow diver, maybe a friend or relative of one. Or maybe she won't.

Yeah, I know I should only do activities that I'm interested in. And I've done plenty of those, I was even social with a lot of people. Didn't make any friends though.

The point is that the "social circle" has value and meaning on it's own. It provides a lot of companionship. It always has conduits to connecting with other people. Participation in one makes YOU a more interesting person.

 

That is the kind of thing that might lead to a relationship, and even if it doesn't, it leads to a greater sense of fulfillment and participation in your own life.

That's what I keep hearing.

 

I still don't have a clue how to get into or make a social circle.

Do you want to be part of a social circle, or just have some friends?

Aren't they the same thing?

 

It would be nice to have a mixed group of friends that's both guys and girls.

The only time in my life I was part of a social circle was my freshman year, when I had a big group of us guys in the same hall (it was a unisex hall in the dorms) constantly hanging out, playing games, joking around, etc. I don't really know how it happened, but I think it helped that not only did we share certain interests, but we also had tons of free time. We'd go to lunch and talk about all sorts of things, we'd get on the bus and get lost in the city while searching for places, etc. etc. There were mini groups of closer friends within the circle (I had my own as well), but the circle itself was pretty consistent too. After that year though, all the groups of friends scattered over the dorms, and I was just left with my small group of friends.

How did the friendships form?

 

I'm assuming it was easier because you were all living in the same hall and could hang out with each other whenever you wanted, almost any time.

 

I don't even know how I'm supposed to make guy friends.

[Roadkill007]

 

Aren't they the same thing?

 

It would be nice to have a mixed group of friends that's both guys and girls.

 

How did the friendships form?

 

I'm assuming it was easier because you were all living in the same hall and could hang out with each other whenever you wanted, almost any time.

 

I don't even know how I'm supposed to make guy friends.

 

 

I don't really consider it the same thing because I feel there's an additional layer of comfort with just friends. With social circles there's usually some sort of social norm, but I feel that with just friends (the close ones I mean ofc), that I can just relax and not care. For example, a social norm of the social circle I was in was simply being someone who lived in the hall. Living in the same hall not only let us interact continually, but we'd also experience the same things like fire drills, hall drama, etc, which would be the topics when we all got together to hang out and such. When I was hanging around the social circle members who weren't close friends with me, while I didn't necessarily have less fun, it always felt like they were trying hard to look good in front of the group, and just didn't feel as natural as I'd like it to be. There was this one guy who'd constantly brag about women he just nailed, there was this other dude who would always compare grades with people he was in the same class with, etc. With social circles, I also feel there's some sort of pecking order. There was this one extremely eccentric guy who I felt was sort of alienated from most others in our circle, even though we'd all spend time together. Oh and the guy who kept comparing grades, he got caught jerking it by his roommate, and that combined with his trying to casually talk about his favorite categories of porn right afterwards in an effort to normalize it in the group, pretty much made him an outcast/joke in the social circle.

 

With close friends though, I don't really feel like we're trying to impress each other or such, and we're always really silly when it's just us, cause yknow, who cares? One of my friends that I get along with amazingly right now was someone I didn't even notice in one of my classes. Then after a few shared classes, we got to know each other from group projects, and we got pretty tight. He's one of the few people I'm still in contact with from the old days.

 

I think there's often a wall of awkward when trying to make friends that is ameliorated by being part of a social circle, though. If you're perceived as a fun guy within a social circle, continuous interactions with said social circle can ease introductions and beginning relationships with would-be-friends. Those same social norms and common interests that have let you into the social circle are basically the social lube to make some quick friends. However, the feeling you get is pretty different from when you're with only your close buddies as opposed to being with a social group, and the level of comfort will rise along with the closeness of your friendship.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Roadkill007

[Meeks7]

You should try group meet-ups. Find one that might interest you, go and then stick with it. Go 3-4 times in a row.

 

The bottom line is, just do it. You can sit there and complain about you have no clue, or you can find out by trial and error. Just put yourself out there, and see what happens.

[carhill]

How do you actually get a social circle?

 

By socializing. Focus on shared interests and let the other synergies evolve. As an example, the 'social circle' of my 20's evolved out of showing up at the race track a few times a month and running my car. I got to know people by wandering the pits and talking to fellow drivers in the lanes. Some friendships evolved from there and we'd invite each other to our homes and I met their families and friends and vice versa and things went from there. I've got old videos of our groups playing volleyball in the pool or basketball out in the driveway or just sitting by the BBQ and talking. Some of those casual associations evolved into business relationships; some died out over time; a few became close friends that I've had for many years. Looking back, there was no 'purpose' to my actions. I enjoyed my life, sharing it and being interested in others. Some found synergy in that and the rest was history. Good luck.

[somedude81]

By socializing. Focus on shared interests and let the other synergies evolve. As an example, the 'social circle' of my 20's evolved out of showing up at the race track a few times a month and running my car. I got to know people by wandering the pits and talking to fellow drivers in the lanes. Some friendships evolved from there and we'd invite each other to our homes and I met their families and friends and vice versa and things went from there. I've got old videos of our groups playing volleyball in the pool or basketball out in the driveway or just sitting by the BBQ and talking. Some of those casual associations evolved into business relationships; some died out over time; a few became close friends that I've had for many years. Looking back, there was no 'purpose' to my actions. I enjoyed my life, sharing it and being interested in others. Some found synergy in that and the rest was history. Good luck.

It really seems that friendships don't start until invitations are thrown around. One can go to an event like the race track, but until you see the other person outside of where you meet, you'll only be acquaintances.

 

There were several times in my life where I was part of a group and regularly interacted with people and just was not invited to do or go anywhere with anybody. The few times that I tried to get a guy to spend time with me, it never happened.

 

Right now it feels that the only way I can make friends, is to go to an activity that I enjoy often enough and hope that one or more guys invites me to do something outside that event.

 

That's just so passive and almost never works because I'm not that pretty...

 

At least girls are more likely to spend time with me on-one-on though each of us might have the wrong idea at the time, it's still company.

[Els]

 

Right now it feels that the only way I can make friends, is to go to an activity that I enjoy often enough and hope that one or more guys invites me to do something outside that event.

 

Why not invite a FEW guys (and/or girls) to do something outside that event?

[somedude81]

Why not invite a FEW guys (and/or girls) to do something outside that event?

. The few times that I tried to get a guy to spend time with me, it never happened.

I'd also like to point out that it's just me and I don't even know what would invite a few people to do.

[Els]

Well, say you're hanging out with A and B during, say, Japanese class.

 

You get to talking about anime and you ask, "Hey, there's a cosplay event next week. You guys wanna come?"

 

I admit I'm not sure how guys get a close-knit group of guy friends either (especially with how most college guys are deathly afraid of being perceived as gay), might want to get info from some of the others about that. According to the bf, his just 'happened'.

[Els]

I think it works much differently for girls than for guys. From what I see, girls are more social and inviting than guys. Just by being there other girls will invite you to do stuff with them and making friends as a girl is super easy. Of course guys want to talk to you as well.

 

Oh, also, just saw this. There may be a gender component to this, but I think it depends more on your circumstances and the people involved than gender.

 

I've been in situations where I was invited to do everything and actually stupidly turned down a few. And also in situations where due to certain circumstances - being of a different race, or the activity attracting only quiet and less outgoing personalities, etc - I've always had to be the one to initiate conversations.