How do you actually get a social circle?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Still not sure what you mean by my part.

 

I mean: Make it work for you by actively participating and CONTRIBUTING A LOT to whatever the group is doing.

 

I have an avocation that includes competitions; a very small group of people in North America participate in this activity. I've been doing it for almost 20 years and by now, almost all of us at the upper level know each other. It took a long time for some of my acquaintances in this became real friends. Years. But throughout, I had companionship and people who shared an interest - a passion, even - with me around me.

 

I had to reach out. I had to invite people, not just wait to be invited. I figured out how to host events myself. I made myself an integral part.

 

A key is that I was not in "give to get" mode. I really wanted to be deeply involved. I would not have tried and then said "well, that didn't work. I still have no friends here" because the whole journey was important to me - not a specific result of things.

 

It's always the same with you, SD. You ALWAYS say, "I tried that. It didn't work." Meanwhile, your life is passing you by while you're fighting a losing battle to find a formula to get what you want out of it.

 

You MIGHT get what you want, and maybe you won't. But your life is happening NOW and you are frittering it away in your terminal rut.

[xxoo]

In your salsa class, are there small groups that chat together? Get friendly with one of those people (not a woman you are trying to date), and they will pull you into the group. You will become part of the "we" when they say "we are going to grab a bit after class".

[Meeks7]

It's always the same with you, SD. You ALWAYS say, "I tried that. It didn't work." Meanwhile, your life is passing you by while you're fighting a losing battle to find a formula to get what you want out of it.

 

You MIGHT get what you want, and maybe you won't. But your life is happening NOW and you are frittering it away in your terminal rut.

 

 

This is true. Life is not about being perfect, or doing things right (the first time, even the first 10 times), or always getting the desired results... but at least try.

 

The sooner he stops looking for theories and magic bullet answers, and the quicker he just puts himself out there, the better off he'll be.

[Meeks7]

^ I'll elaborate with a more concrete example.

 

He has 2 choices. He could either, right now, do one of the following:

 

1. Google "meet ups in SoCal" where he lives. He can find an event, with location and time. He can sign up for it, or put it on his calendar, and then commit in HIS MIND to attend it, no matter what. Let's say salsa dancing next Saturday night at 7 through a singles activity group meetup website.

 

OR

 

2. He can quote someone who posted here and continue writing "I can't" or "I still don't understand" or "Could you break it down further for me?"

 

If he would just do the first option, how much further along would he be in terms of just trying and being happy in life? Picking option #2 time in and time out has not benefitted him.

 

Somedude, as Pink sang, it's time to just try.

[carhill]

It really seems that friendships don't start until invitations are thrown around. One can go to an event like the race track, but until you see the other person outside of where you meet, you'll only be acquaintances.

 

I would agree. IME, such invitations grew out of repeated and positive experiences surrounding the common interest, in my case, racing.

 

I recall, during a particularly difficult relationship period, I took up endurance cycling to get over/distract from the pain of an ending and found, over time doing it alone, that I enjoyed it. So, I sought out the local cycling club and started to 'hang out' at their club rides, just riding along as a nobody, and eventually joined the club. Later, I would participate in club rides, offering to lead a few at my skill level and also sag (provide logistical support and relief on long rides) at events I wasn't riding in. I got to know people and we would socialize away from the club, either at my invitation or theirs. This dynamic evolved over a couple of years.

 

As a final example, one person who is a very important part of my 'social circle' and whom influences me a lot in life, I met under the most odd of ways. I turned his business down for credit, known in our profession as 'net 30', based on the feedback from another customer. He was not happy about that and we met in person and determined the other customer to have confused him with another dealer with a similar name. So, our first encounter was perhaps confrontational but we found, over time, a lot of synergy between us and he's been my best friend for nearly 15 years now. That kind of thing, like developing a social circle, doesn't happen by a punch list overnight. As my father often told me, good things come to those with the patience to wait. That doesn't mean 'waiting' guarantees good things, rather indicates the path.

 

Good luck.

[tuxedo cat]

Are you trying to meet people your age or college aged guys?

[llll]

In your salsa class, are there small groups that chat together? Get friendly with one of those people (not a woman you are trying to date), and they will pull you into the group. You will become part of the "we" when they say "we are going to grab a bit after class".

 

I had little interest in dance, but I wanted to push my comfort-zone and meet more people.

 

Surprisingly, I have this crazy diverse social group that I've accumulated through dance. Mostly, going to the same dance club/social pretty religiously. I just invite people to go to things, like "I'm going cliff diving this weekend at x time, it's going to be awesome." Sometimes no one bites, but that's a risk. I also made friends with a person who had everyone's contact info, and would ask her to send mass-texts.

 

I hate the process of making friends, and I tried at least five activities before having luck with one.