promises Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 As I imagined, I am now a week beyond running into xMM and his W. I have had a very upbeat week and been so indifferent about him that life has gone on as if he never existed. Except for this moment. Something hit me and I had a thought or trigger of some sort. I have been able to go on since running into him completely not thinking of him at all until now. Here's the catch... as much as this ending is notable to a death of a relationship, it's impossible to completely forget him because he did exist. And this really happened. And for a large amount of time. Now what? Feeling like its a death is one thing but completely erasing him from my memory is another. How does one do that? Help. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I'm sorry Promises, I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to give you some hugs. (((((((promises))))))) I promise, it gets better eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Seeing him with his wife had to set you back..Sorry for that... If you are fortunate enough to figure out what it takes, please let us all know... Hang in there... TFOY Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I'm sorry Promises, I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to give you some hugs. (((((((promises))))))) I promise, it gets better eventually. Thank you, Got It. I think I've been in shock since seeing them together. Almost stoic like. It was an awful moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Seeing him with his wife had to set you back..Sorry for that... If you are fortunate enough to figure out what it takes, please let us all know... Hang in there... TFOY it set me back, but also made things very clear. Which made me question everything as if I wasn't doing that already. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) Now what? Feeling like its a death is one thing but completely erasing him from my memory is another. Just like you accept that death is a part of life, you can accept that the death of this relationship, this love, is part of life. I found this tool of acceptance, a conscious embrace of the real rather than railing against it or repetitively contemplating 'what if', a tool I actually learned in MC from our psychologist whilst 'fighting for' an affair of my own, to be key in letting go of, without unfinished business, a nagging parade of 'what ifs' which had tugged at my soul for over a generation. It's like one day, after a lifetime of pain, one wakes up pain-free and a whole new world appears. The pain (used as example) had become so pervasive and so commonplace that it was hard to remember a time when it wasn't there. It had essentially become part of one's consciousness. Within a year, that tool enabled me to accept and 'erase' (for lack of a better word) the end of a love, the end of a marriage and the end of a life of someone I had loved for over 50 years. Anyway, that was my path to 'erasure'. Good luck with yours. Edited March 22, 2013 by carhill added more 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Just like you accept that death is a part of life, you can accept that the death of this relationship, this love, is part of life. I found this tool of acceptance, a conscious embrace of the real rather than railing against it or repetitively contemplating 'what if', a tool I actually learned in MC from our psychologist whilst 'fighting for' an affair of my own, to be key in letting go of, without unfinished business, a nagging parade of 'what ifs' which had tugged at my soul for over a generation. It's like one day, after a lifetime of pain, one wakes up pain-free and a whole new world appears. The pain (used as example) had become so pervasive and so commonplace that it was hard to remember a time when it wasn't there. It had essentially become part of one's consciousness. Within a year, that tool enabled me to accept and 'erase' (for lack of a better word) the end of a love, the end of a marriage and the end of a life of someone I had loved for over 50 years. Anyway, that was my path to 'erasure'. Good luck with yours. Interesting... I wish I could find a handle like you did. I hear what you are saying about a "death", the only thing I can say to that is one accepts death because in reality the person is truly gone. In these cases, the person still iives and you are left to ruminate and second guess..almost have to "trick" one into believing that there is nothing there when in reality, there is... Sorry for the digression. Stay strong, Promises. TFOY Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) TBH, I think my use of 'erase' is improper, simply because emotional memories are some of, if not the longest-lasting and pervasive memories humans can have. What I found through the process of clarifying, which processed the jumble of emotions into clearly defined and discrete causes, effects and resultant feelings/memories, and accepting those results as OK, whatever they were, was that allowed the memories of what was to peacefully co-exist with what is. Concurrently, the psychologist helped me examine why my love died 'one day at a time' in our M, breaking that process down, and this comparison, looking at the relationships more objectively, helped to, slowly, change my feelings about them (the people involved), forming new emotional memories regarding both which, over time, trended to a neutral place. I don't know the specifics of your dynamic but can relate that it took a good eight months of MC before I started 'getting it' and didn't really process it out for another year or two after my EA ended an our divorce was in process. By the time my mother died and the divorce was finalized a couple months later, the process was complete. Now, it's a period I relate as if reading it in a book about someone else. At my age, life is getting shorter, so there are other places to go, things to do and people to meet. The past is the past. Today is now. That is definitely something I'd never have said back in my 20's when experiencing the horrific pain of D-days, disappearances, and goodbyes. For that, you have my sympathies. It's tough to make the decision to let go of someone one loves. Hope it works out. Edited March 22, 2013 by carhill 'was that' Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Promises, YOu can't erase people you have known. Have you had somebody close to you die? You do not erase them. Time distances you from the pain. It's Natures way of healing. You will have to wait until time takes care of it and he will be just a man who used to be in your life. Cat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Unfortunately, it is that dirty four letter word, time, that is the key to finding your peace with this. Seeing him again so soon is like starting the clock over in a way. Saying you will come out the other side of thi stronger sounds cliche, but it is true. Time will bring you healing. Link to post Share on other sites
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