11 Weeks after and at total rock bottom

[SeanR23]

Hi all. This is very, very, very long. Very. If nobody reads it I will understand. I'm just at rock bottom. I'm worn through all the way. I feel like this is a huge vent for me to have written all of this out. I apologize in advance for the long post, but I'm really trying to hold and and unravel things for myself here. I'm having a hard time scraping myself off the bottom. Already on my 2nd therapist 2 1/2 months in. Just as everyone else here, I lost someone that meant everything to me. There were many layers to our issues and the ending was very traumatic in a literal sense beyond a normal parting of ways, so it has left me with an extra weight to carry in addition to what I think is also a lot a false guilt. I know her side says she's better off. My side says I'm better off. I need some perspective and objectivity either way from people I don't know.

 

2 year relationship. 14 year age gap. She's 24 now. Not an ego thing for me. never had a problem meeting women. Met me 4 months after being dumped out of a 5 year relationship. She brought trust issues to the table after having caught the ex sending pics of his wang to other ladies two years in. I'm 38. I was a year to the day out of a 5 1/2 year relationship. Ex kept promising commitment, but had issues coming out of divorce from marriage she didn't want to enter to begin with. Ironically, I met her 4 months after her split as well. Glad I just realized that typing this out. So, as the guy I was actually having an issue getting the woman to commit. I casually dated for a year after that with periods of being by myself. I was totally fine with what I was doing and where I was.

 

Then met my current ex. She approached me on coed volleyball team we were both on. She pushed for relationship after 3 months of dating. I told her there was no way she was ready for that. I also was not looking for one as I still felt I needed time. We stopped dating. Became friends for 3 months, then fell into relationship. She left after 3 months for 4 month internship halfway across country. Saw each other a few times during that time. She returned to Philly area for a week after that then immediately moved hour and a half away to take job in NYC.

 

Was very jealous and insecure about my female friends even though they were not obtrusive to the relationship and I hardly had any contact with them on weekends. Would always ask me if I had spoken to specific ones. Had problems with them pretty much without ever meeting them. I hardly ever saw them otherwise, if ever, myself... scheduling, distance, etc. Most contact was on FB, work email to pass time, or over text. them. If I used a smiley face on FB or in text I was flirting. I am a bit of an unintentional flirt by how I engage people, but an electronic smiley face is far from flirting for me. Felt that most had a "thing" for me. Even if they did, I didn't see any behavior that disrespected my gf.

 

Problem started when, to avoid stress/argument, I did what I never do- I lied. First time was when she asked me if I ever considered dating one of the girls I was friends with. I felt no good come come from the truth given her on the table issues. Turns out she had snooped through my FB messages 3 months prior and saw an old exchange between another friend and I where I had mentioned there was interest prior to my current relationship. She admitted to snooping and called me out on it. We did a week of arguing over it before we did a mutual forgive/forget.

 

Three months later I omitted telling her that I was stopping by a friends and family holiday party, in between the Christmas shopping I honestly told her I was going to be doing,for a couple of beers where a female friend or two that she was insecure about for no reason would be. She must have gone through my phone prior to this, because that night I got 100 questions as to where I was. The next day I got called out on attending. She went three degrees separated from me to find pictures from that night on FB that I was not even tagged or mentioned in....a friend of a friend of a friend that I didn't even know had them public. Feeling like I had just murdered someone, for some reason I didn't just go straight up with her, and I instead lied to cover. The good, in a sense, I thought I was doing, had been undone and was now worse.

 

Month later she tells me she wants to marry me. I say I need some more time with the relationship since we have distance and she just returned. She became upset and insulted that I did not reciprocate. At this point she is 23 and we have only been together for 10 months, 4 of which she was away for. I wanted to see how things progressed. I also wanted to see how I would be able to handle the issues, if they would resolve, if I made them worse, etc. She was not happy that we were only doing three weekends together and would argue with me over it. I felt we needed a weekend for friends/errands, etc. She did not agree and also had no social life in her new city. She was very needy and impatient in addition to the other things. When we were good we were perfect though.

 

She posts on her blog for Valentine's Day saying how I unconditionally love and support her through everything. I keep her sane. Make her laugh when she wants to cry. Make her smile when she's angry. Make her calm when she wants to cry. I make her want more. I make her better. I'm all of these things. I'm giving everything at full output long distance and it is recognized. Or so I think.

 

We bickered/argued for the next few months. Always coming from her end. Distance was the thing. She brought up the lies once in a while too, but just in passing. I was always the one that was calm and trying to talk her down and bring her back down to Earth on things. She would cry when I would leave at the end of the weekend. She would argue with me early that day though. We would waste time arguing over time we didn't have together while we were together. At the same time I would be totally upfront with her when I had any plans with female friends. I was no longer a liar to keep the peace, but she of course was never happy about what I was doing. For the record it was never just me and a female- it was always atleast one other person...dinner, drinks, etc. Most times were instances where I went to see her immediately afterwards. Jealousy still gave off an attitude or cold shoulder at these times though.

 

She mocks me one night during an argument. She says that my cool, calm and collect act in trying to always talk things out and not argue with her is bs and that is p*sses her off even more when I do it. I just think I'm so great that I don't argue or get mad. I think that I'm better and it's condescending.

 

She blindsides me 5 months after saying she wanted to marry me. I'm no longer the one. I'm not as invested as she is. She's unhappy. Unfulfilled. Feels that it is a relationship based on negativity. I'm not doing the little things. Not enough flowers. Felt that I showed her what kind of person I was a week prior when I left early on Father's Day to get to parents house in time for dinner instead of going to lunch like she wanted. I left after an hour of bickering by telling her we would talk later. Said I walked out on her and she was crushed. Also said she felt that I should have given her at least two of the 10 days vacation I had recently taken to be with my parents after my father's prostate cancer surgery since I did not see her for two consecutive weekends during that time, which was longest we went since she moved. She says she needs time to work on her insecurities. She doesn't think she's pretty and maybe down the road we can reconnect.

 

I got her back a week later. I told her I wanted to marry her. I had just needed a little bit more time as I said before. I also said I was going to move there as soon as I found a job. If I couldn't find a job I would wait tables so I could be there with her, and continue my job search from there so we were at least together.

 

I decide to change careers. I hate accounting. I hate my cube. It sucks the life out of me. I decide I want to be a physician assistant. She doesn't agree. Thinks I should stick with what I know. Not smart to spend more money to make more money. I try to explain it's more than that- it's about happiness. We talk about finances as I tell her my plan as I look into it more. She is floored that I have medical and school debt. Her parents have everything paid off already as her father is very successful. He also wasn't around for most of her childhood as a result, but they are very well off now. Conversely, I came from a blue collar family and have student loans. She says she has no debt and no concept of what that is. Questioned how we would afford to vacation like other couples the next 4 years while I was in school. Said she had anxiety over the whole thing. Said she saw certain things for herself the next 4 years and questioned if she would have to help me financially at some point. I decided to do it anyway, with or without her. I supported her move to two different cities and three different jobs at this point, so now it was my turn.

 

One night in bed she brings up the topic of emotional cheating to me. I have no idea why. She brings up some partial conversation she saw on my phone, without admitting she went on my phone again, between me and a friend. Some conversation I did not even remember at all. Apparently it was many months before. Something about her having a bottle of wine at her house...all I know is I didn't go to her house. I decide that since she snooped and only had part of the conversation, and I didn't recall any of it, that her punishment of sorts would be to be stuck with whatever fragment she had, with no real answers. I know now that was me just being frustrated and not handling it the wrong way.

 

She tells me at some point she told her mother she realized she made a lot of unreasonable demands of me at times. I feel a sense of relief and also good that she took time to even reflect and think about something like that.

 

We spend next 6 weekends together. She should have been happy as hell about it. Instead, fresh off of her first ever first row concert experience while also in Atlantic City for the first time, she tells me she isn't happy again. I didn't stand behind her at concert. After holding hands for 2.5 miles walking back to the hotel from the venue I didn't hold her hand enough. I got a text from my ex gf's best friend, whom I knew 10 yrs before I even met my ex, who was also not even in my phone, asking if she had just passed me on a local road back home. That was an issue, yet she was still taking pretty frequent texts from her ex. I also did not have my hand on her leg enough sitting at the bar that night. The last complaint was that she felt I was bipolar. Sometimes when I got to her place I would kiss her at the door. Other times, after driving 2 1/2 hours, getting stuck in traffic, looking for parking for 20-30 minutes, then walking 3 blocks with my bags, I would say hi and walk back to her room to drop my things before kissing her. She said I would "blow by" her.

 

The next weekend we go to her parents beach house with her friends. Three drinks into the night at the bar he calls me cheap and comments on my 'financial situation' after what I thought was a joking exchange about who was buying the next round turned into her getting argumentative. She told me I had emotional issues because I was tired and hungry after work that day. Then after I took a nap and at in the car I was recharged and having a good time. That apparently signifies being bipolar. I broke up with her right there on the spot and left. She said she didn't know what she did. She tried to stop me from leaving and stood in front of the beach house door. I reiterated it was over and she needed to move no. No more arguing. No more unhealthy bs. After asking her multiple times to move so I could leave peacefully I informed her that I would move her. We ended up in a human tug of war at the door. I hit the back of her knee to try and move her leg. She finally moved, threw my bags out the door and told me to get the F out...what I had been trying to do. For the next hour she text me begging me to come back.

 

I'm weak and we reconnect a week later after I contact her. I want to leave things in a better place. We discuss meeting up so that the last time we saw each other wasn't how that all went down. She says she is afraid to meet me privately because the last time we were alone in a room together things got violent. I say it was hardly violent and I calmly asked her to move 4 times. She says I manhandled her and was overly aggressive. I hit her and she has a bruise. After more talking we agree to meet for dinner. I leave work early and drive out to her. We feel each other out and she comes around slowly. We talk out both sides. She ends up inviting me back o her place. She puts the moves on me and we end up having sex. So much for feeling manhandled I think.

 

The next 4 months we are not officially together and I want to see if we can work any of it out. She screws me over a couple of times by double booking and telling me that even though I planned with her first that we are no longer together. Sometimes she's her old self with me and other times she comes of a little detached. Over that time though, she asks me if I am having phone sex with my friend in Minnesota. If I'm talking to the person she insinuated I was emotionally cheating with. Asked if I hooked up with a friend I had recently reconnected with. Said she was waiting for the other shoe to drop any day. Said that if we end I 'will be out banging chics in no time'. I was doing none of it. We seemed to argue less because she couldn't have as much expectation or demands of me. I thought it would be a good time to decompress and maybe heal some things and get more secure even though we were still dating on some level.

 

Three different times during this period of time I voluntarily out of the blue ,in the middle of doing whatever, showed her my phone- all texts, contacts, pictures. Showed her all conversations, call logs, matched numbers to names, etc. All of it. I felt I could ease her mind and possibly restore whatever trust issues she might have lingering on some level while possibly helping with some jealousy and insecurity- I was technically single, but was not talking to anyone else.

 

She tells me that we no longer agree on things. We bicker too much. We are toxic. It's nobody's ideal relationship. I didn't move like I said. I say of course I didn't- we broke up. She won't get back with me unless I'm there though. I'm not moving there unless we're together, but I want to finish my semester first now before I do that. Bit of an impasse. I figure it is temporary. Once school is done I will refocus on 'us'. I just need the relationship to not interfere with my head so I can get a good grade.

 

She tells me in December that she used to question my love for her, but she now knows and sees how much I love her. She gets it. I feel relieved. Wow, a breakthrough out of nowhere. Weeks later Christmas is very uneventful when we exchange gifts. I feel as if she put no thought or effort into any of it.

 

New Year's weekend. We have lunch on the 30th. Out of nowhere in a conversation where I can't recall something I did with a friend two years prior, she asks if it was a lie since I can't remember it. Says she wouldn't be surprised if I haven't been lying to her since the very beginning. I keep the conversation on track as if I didn't hear it and think to myself that I will calmly bring it up after the weekend. Rest of day is great.

 

NYE. We do dinner out then have more wine at her place for the ball drop. She tells me to remember that no matter what happens that I will always be ok and that I'm a good guy. I ask what she means but get nothing else from her. Somehow she changes topic and starts telling me that I need constant attention from other women and that my relationships (all public posts) with my married female friends on FB are inappropriate. I say that one person tagged me in a post about marshmallow peeps. I hardly find that inappropriate. She says they are unhappy and need attention, and I give it to them, while happily getting it from them then in return. The person that used to find me hilarious on FB is now accusing me of using it for attention and as another pivot point in her jealousy. I somehow navigate out of the topic with an agree to disagree ending by suggesting we go out for one more drink.

 

The bartender is an @ss. Doesn't like the tip we give him. Makes a scene and embarrasses us. I talk to manager. We finish our beer. Now buzzed and almost 3am we go to leave. She walks over to bar and curses bartender out while giving him the finger. Totally out of character. He comes after her. She totally snaps. They are in each others faces yelling. Bouncers pull him away. Manager comes out. She starts yelling at him that he has a small penis. He calls the police. I try talking to him. Meanwhile she starts arguing with bouncer. I get her out of there before police arrive.

 

At her place she says she hates when men get in her face. Mentions time when she was 8 when her father was made and threw her "across the room". I said well what are you doing that men keep getting in your face? She gets insulted. Calls me a liar. I tell her she needs to stop bringing it up o stop talking to me. We argue. Both admittedly drunk now. 3:30am. I supposedly said I was leaving. She takes my shoes. I get mad. She says I snap. I become enraged. Says I get in her face and become verbally abusive telling her she has daddy issues. We are nose to nose. She starts telling me to hit her. Go ahead, hit me. You know you want to. Just like Labor Day. I dare you. Drunk and provoked I sadly and regretfully and embarrassingly push her back onto her bed which is two feet or less behind her. I go to walk out of room. She blocks the door. Takes my phone. We end up wrestling on the bed. I walk out of the room. She calls the police. I call to cover myself. We both say assault. I get my things and leave peacefully after they arrive a few minutes later. He said/she said situation. No charges either way.

 

Next day I assume we will have sober adult conversation about what happened as drunk idiots, especially since we had never been drunk together before. I've never had a physical incident with anyone I have dated except her back when I broke up with her. Instead I find myself blocked on FB and deleted by her friends. I decide to email her instead so I can get everything out. Three weeks later I get a reply saying we are no more and never will be. Best we go our separate ways. She has decided to contact me in hopes expressing her feelings will help her sleep again. She was able to sleep for first two weeks, but now in week three she is having issues. Says losing me is unbelievably painful. She's hurt and angry and confused. Says she cant make sense of that night at all, so she doesn't try to anymore, but that does not mean we can be together again. Wishes me the best.

 

I wait two weeks to call. It has now been 5 weeks. I feel I owe her an apology for my part. I feel my integrity was compromised by my own doing, but I unselfishly wanted to express my regret. She listens to my tear filled apology, calls me selfish and says she deserves better. Calls me bipolar again. I apparently have two sides. Brings up blowing by her at her apartment door. She wants someone that is crazy about her that doesn't need attention from other women. The emotional cheating/wine text message issue from summer gets mentioned in more detail. I apparently told my friend that I was happy to have a weekend to myself. The fact that I said that to another female was wrong and showed that I would rather not be with her. In my book, I could just as easily have said that to a guy friend...at this point I'm pretty sure these texts were 9 months old. At that time I had just been transferred internally at a job I hated for the 3rd time in 9 months, my father had been going to testing and surgical consults for his cancer and she was stressing me over distance all the time...I'm sure it was a combination of things, but she chose to take it as being anti-girlfriend. She asked me what it was all about. I told her it was a text to a friend and I never went to her house that weekend. She called me deceitful and gave me advice for the next girl- don't see other women on some level behind her back. She asks me what happened to the cool and calm guy that used to keep her sane, talk her down and bring her back around that whole first year. I said she called bs on him and told him it p*ssed her off more, so he went away. Plus, how many fires does one person need to put out all the time?

 

The conversation cools. I ask her multiple times what I can do to restore things. She is done. No more. She says she was afraid for her life that night. She still has problems being in her room, bought new bedding, etc. We start to joke and talk about good times. I ask her if all of her probing me about other women the prior 4 months was really because she had met someone. She says she was always transparent with me, she is not seeing anyone and asks me where she would meet someone anyway. I say well you're attractive with huge boobs and you live and work in NYC. She says that (TMI warning everybody) she was anti-men for the first three weeks up the point when she emailed me. I asked what happened after that point. She said she started masturbating to me...I found this odd since she was supposedly scared for her life and has a hard time being in her room. After 4 1/2 hours we get off the phone. She says we can talk again in a couple of days if it will help me.

 

Two days later I text her to see if she is available to talk as offered. She is short with me. Asks if I really need clarification on things. I say never mind and goodnight. Next day she texts me saying we shouldn't talk anymore. I call her. She is cold and short. Says it feels like I have false hope and that I'm acting normal and things are not going back. What happened was life changing and people do not come back from what happened that night. Feels that I am waiting for some kind of apology that she does not owe me. I have some odd belief that we are meant to be together, but we aren't and we would have a miserable life together. She was over us back at Labor Day weekend but wanted to see if anything would change, but after two years we still hadn't progressed, so she was done. I said she was too unreasonable and impatient...it wasn't even a full two years and she was in a rush. Our feelings didn't always match at the exact same time with progressing and that was a red flag for her. She said that I knew she was jealous and her ex even told her it was her fatal flaw. Her friend got to her place to go out. She hung up on me. So, her jealousy is that bad that she lets it pollute her relationships on some level and it just chews it apart at the seams until it's compromised or the other person can't take it anymore, and she knows it. Solution- wear it down then leave it in shambles. I know my dishonesty earlier on did not help at all and compounded what she already brought in.

 

I get a text ten minutes later saying that she doesn't hate me and can we please not end like that. I don't reply. I never hear from her again. A week later I notice I'm not blocked from her Instagram photo account, matter of fact it's public. There she is, partying it up all over NYC. The girl that never had anything to do on our weekend of and had maybe three friends there at best for the past year because most coworkers found her to be too abrasive (she is on her 3rd job in only a year there. The first two weren't working out because of her personality), now has new friends all over the place. All kinds of statements about moving forward and guys being @ssholes, party, party, party and ho happy she is. She has lost weight, changed her makeup, goes to lunch with male coworkers she never mentioned to me, etc. Totally different girl, and does not seem to be affected by what she called our devastating end in her email.

 

I then decide to take a look at her friends page that she seems to hang out with the most. There it is- A screen shot of a text exchange first thing in the morning, a little over a day after we had our 4 1/2 talk and a day before she hung up on me. It goes like this:

 

Ex: So long story short don't drink Jameson and date douchebags.

Friend: At least not simultaneously. I love your morning wisdom.

Ex: Haha. Oh life. Hot mess.

Friend: Ha. You live and you learn darling.

 

So, the girl that wasn't seeing anybody (I realized she never answered my question directly as to whether she had met anyone), was always transparent with me and made it sound ridiculous that she would meet anyone in that area one day had apparently already met someone, had a drunk night with them on some sexual level, and I assume got used in the process by the time I had talked to her or the very next day. By the time we talked she had already been with someone else. It made me sick to my stomach to think I was talking to her after she had already been talking to someone else in bed that fast. Replaced me, even if only temporarily. Came up with that bs masturbation line when I asked what happened after three weeks. There I was, the guy that was accused of not caring and not being invested. The guy she said would be 'out banging chics in no time', hadn't even kissed anyone yet. She didn't care, and hadn't for a long time. The girl that thought it was disgusting for her friends to kiss strangers at the bar and had a relationship only attitude about sex, was apparently changed on some level and we really were done. She was so changed that she was totally fine with her friend posting what was in essence a f*ck and chuck for anyone on the internet to see...her name was across the top of the text.

 

I decided I didn't care how I looked at that point and sent her a snarky text on St. Patricks Day saying that since Jameson was her new weak point it would be a big weekend for her, so to make sure she had extra protection on her just in case. No reply. I didn't need or expect one. I just wanted to take a shot at her from my hurt.

 

I became more depressed over the next week in knowing she moved on that fast. She was in so much pain and it was so devastating that 4 weeks later she ends up drunk and naked with some new guy. I became obsessed with checking the account. I decided to comment on the photo in attempt to not only let her know I know and to get blocked so I can't look anymore. I call her out on it. I say that while she didn't owe me anything, she was now the liar and my lies were to at least spare her insecurities and jealousy. Her friend replies to keep my business off of her account. The ex does not reply. I get blocked as planned. That day on twitter she posts an article link about people that lash out blaming others for their dishonesty are simply doing so because of their own insecurity and narrow views and are just blame shifting. I know she did not make me lie. That was my choice and I own it. It was supposed to have been forgiven. She wanted to marry me after them. Did they just keep surfacing through her jealousy and insecurity anyway after the fact?

 

The only other thing I saw after that was her and some guy having a drunk exchange asking where the other person was at that point in the night. In the end she said she was too drunk to get where he was at. She has been drunk more times to that point in 6 weeks than she was the previous two years. I also now question if she didn't have something lined up prior to NYE and what could have been going on before that as well. She just played it out.

 

I feel like I tried. I wasn't perfect, but it's like I couldn't keep up with the demands or the accusations, expectations, or all of them at once. I would always stay calm and try to deconstruct the arguments. Let's talk. What's the issue. What's going on. I also feel like my lies were the downfall early on even though I stopped long ago after those two, realizing doing it to keep the peace or not was not smart or right. Then I feel like I just couldn't keep her happy. I was her everything and then I was nothing. Like she flipped a switch. I feel like NYE got hung all on me, yet as both were drunk, how valid could most if any of it be to hold against each other? Why not make an allowance and work it out once and for all? I know, because she doesn't want it. I just feel as if she never owned anything. It was all her, her, her blaming me all the time. I never had an issue with her, even though she wore me thin sometimes. I kept the good and wiped the bad every week, while she carried the negative around like it was a part time job. Now she's running around NY with a social life, seemingly better off and unaffected by the loss, and at least looking better and more confident on the surface than ever, getting the attention from men that she accused me of needing from women. In the end, from many various things I've covered here exhaustively, this has stolen my own confidence and left me feeling inadequate, abusive, possibly bipolar and with my self esteem in ruins. It was never enough. Lies. She needed more. She wanted more. She needed it immediately.

 

I'm in bed for hours and hours. When I'm not there I'm at a diner on my ipad trying to pass time and not look at her online updates. I'm trying to be around people so I don't isolate, even if they are strangers. I don't want my parents to see me like this because I know they will worry and I wont be able to keep it together around them. My social circle as I knew it not long ago evaporated with people moving, getting engaged and/or having kids....schedules are tough now. Meanwhile, her whole life just did the total opposite. The blame and the rejection and her making me feel like I took her throwing her love at me for granted all the time for so long even though she was unreasonable and needy has really done me in. I don't know where to stop and where to start again. I want to drop out of school. I cant focus. I was in therapy once a week. Then three. I already quit my job a month ago because I kept losing my composure. I've leaned on every friend imaginable, to the point some said they would call me back and then never did.

 

I don't know where to draw the line on my own responsibility. She was a pain but I thought we would work it out. I wanted her more than I could ever convince her. Apparently it was other women that were the problem. Or were they? And whose fault? Was it on her? Was it on me that I was a social person and have a lot of female connections? They never interfered with us or our time together. Now I'm the insecure one somehow- the one that was never jealous and always secure. The tables have turned and I don't know how. I don't know where up is. I'm lost. I don't know where to live now. I don't know about my planned career change or school. Was I too patient? Was I not patient enough? Were my platonic relationships really wrong to have? Weren't they invisible enough as they were? Should I have cut them off? Did I not do enough? It's still all on me, and when I try to give her a piece of it she deflects it back as blame shifting.

 

I want off the planet. Help. Somebody please separate some of this mess for me. I know none of you. I tried to be as objective as possible here. I'm so twisted up in all of it. I need it broken down and laid out. I feel like I ruined what was presented to me as life long love from someone I fell hard for that I tried to be as patient and understanding as possible with. I lost her. I feel like I have to go find her all over again. Start over. Again. Meanwhile she's floating around out there thinking I'm the bad guy and took her love for granted and was a total liar that needed other women to satisfy my ego on some level, when in fact it was never the case at all. She was all I needed. I just needed her to relax with the jealousy and insecurity and let things develop between us at a reasonable pace without bickering with me all the time. Is it her? Is it me? Is it age? Is it issues? If it's all then what's the blend? I'm so lost and confused and hurt. I was out at the end of the summer. I wrote an email. It said it was unhealthy. It said I didn't want a life of arguing. I wanted better. Then I got back in and ended up on the hook. Now I have all this guilt and blame on what I feel like was the missed opportunity of my life. I fix. I don't quit. I'm now some woman abusing liar with an unprofessionally diagnosed personality disorder pretty much. Meanwhile she is faultless. All my fault. I feel worn down and gutted and left for dead.

Edited March 22, 2013 by SeanR23

[Love4Pain]

Wow yes that was very long but I was determined to read it!

 

Did you ex ever come to visit you or were you the one always going up to see her? If she didn't that is extremely selfish of her to expect you to be the one to visit her each weekend.

 

Also, I know age doesn't always matter but it sounds like you were dating a child and unfortunately you got taken for a 2 year ride =( She kept saying how you were bi-polar but she should have been looking in the mirror first. Also you mentioned that she doesn't have any debt because her parents most likely paid for everything she needed/wanted...she most likely doesn't have a sense of responsibility. She is too immature for you, and I know you are hurting but be glad you didn't get married to this girl.

 

Jealousy can be an ugly thing, but honestly you didn't do anything wrong by having females friends that you talked to. I can understand if you were spending nights alone with them or doing activities that were sneaky but simply talking and hanging out with them and a friend at the same time is fine. Please don't make her insecurity and overly jealous nature make you think that you are the bad guy here. I have male friends, and I do not tolerate an SO trying to imagine up something that's going on when there isn't.

 

You need time to heal, don't talk to this girl. You will find a woman that will not run you into an early grave like this girl was trying to do and will not try to make you think that you have a mental disorder! Again, I know it hurts, but you are really much better off, and it's going to take some time before you see how much better you are without your ex.

[BeenAround]

I can realte to this a bit from her side. I can tell you that it hurt her like hell for you to have relationships with other women behind her back. Whether you justify it by saying "just friends" doesn't matter. What matters is YOU hid it and lied to her about it. In her eyes that destroys trust and intimacy. I'm sorry and you may not want to hear this but.......I can tell you your ex probably wonders why you needed to talk to other women instead of her. There are a lot of factors involved here and I understand that but once that trust is violated it sometimes can not be restored. You gave the appearance of being sneaky by lying to her about it and it seems to me that you are blaming her jealousy issues. She had every right to be suspicious of you once she found out you lied to her......that is very hard to get past.

 

Let me ask you this...........if you KNEW that your actions (keeping a realtionship with another woman and hiding it) would hurt your girlfriend and potentially ruin your relationship.....then why did you do it? Honesty and intimacy are very important and going behind her back and continuing with something that hurt her and she felt was innappropriate shows a lack of respect and quite honestly a bit of selfishness.

 

I believe she tried to get past this because she loved you but you hurt her too deeply and she struggled with being able to trust you again. Those feelings come back to the surface frequently and alcohol certainly intensified the situation.

 

My advice to you is to move on and learn from this. In future realtionships be more honest. If you have female friends be open and talk to them in front of your girlfriend and not behind her back......it makes you look like you are keeping it a secret for a reason. In any case your girlfriend should be your first priority and you hers......not female friends.

 

I had a similar situation with an ex bf and no matter how much I loved him I could not trust him again or get past that betrayal. He tried to blame it on me and my insecuties and I fell for that line for awhile and even doubted myself. The truth is......HE LIED......no matter how he justified it.......he knew it would ruin us and it did. That was his choice to lie.......thats not respect or love. I learned the hard way.

[Love4Pain]

I don't think he was lying about having friendships with females, I think the OP said that he lied about being attracted to any of them, and didn't tell his ex at the time that he was hanging out with one of his female friends after shopping. Having friends of the opposite sex is not wrong in my opinion, now, he shouldn't have lied granted, but I don't think anyone should be told they can't have certain kinds of friends, and as long as he wasn't doing anything shady with them then I don't see a problem. He also stated that his ex looked through his phone and all over facebook to try to find out what he was up to, which to me says problem. He did offer to show her his messages and things to try to ease her mind.

 

"She said that I knew she was jealous and her ex even told her it was her fatal flaw" I don't think he is really blaming everything on her, he did mention that he knows his lying hurt things.

[BeenAround]

I agree that having frineds of the opposite sex is not wrong but there are situations where it is inappropriate. The OP was quite long and some of what he said had me mixed up a bit. I guess the point I was trying to make is that after TRUST is broke...........it is very hard to restore and could lead to many arguments and doubt in a relationship. If two people are committed to one another than honesty needs to be there to create the intimacy.

I have a feeling that him having these female friends and the lying made her ask herself what else is he lying about...... I also think that stood between them obtaining true intimacy with each other. That is JMO of course based on what happened to me.

[Love4Pain]

It was a little confusing up there lol.

 

For my own personal experience I've had a previous bf who would constantly ask if I was texting or emailing a guy. It drove me insane, I have more male friends then I do female friends, I like to play video games in my spare time...so you know I tend to make friends with more males. He would constantly be asking me who I was talking to and trying to look over my shoulder to see what I was writing the seldom few times he saw me on my phone. Most of these friends were people I knew online and didn't even live near me, we were just saying "hey what's up", be he was, in my opinion, too obsessed with the fact that it was males I was talking to.

 

I do understand about trust issues, it's not good if you get into a situation where the other person feels like they always have to second guess what you're doing. I still think in this case, the posters's ex gf seemed a little extra though, at least from what I read and remember it made me think that his ex went from hot to cold very often and their age differences might have made her feel more insecure.

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree that having frineds of the opposite sex is not wrong but there are situations where it is inappropriate. The OP was quite long and some of what he said had me mixed up a bit. I guess the point I was trying to make is that after TRUST is broke...........it is very hard to restore and could lead to many arguments and doubt in a relationship. If two people are committed to one another than honesty needs to be there to create the intimacy.

I have a feeling that him having these female friends and the lying made her ask herself what else is he lying about...... I also think that stood between them obtaining true intimacy with each other. That is JMO of course based on what happened to me.

 

You are correct...

 

As a matter of fact, there really is nothing good that will come of flirtingAs the OP said he did). Its immature, disrespectful and annoying. OP should have known better-he was the older and more mature.

 

TFOY

[thefooloftheyear]

It was a little confusing up there lol.

 

For my own personal experience I've had a previous bf who would constantly ask if I was texting or emailing a guy. It drove me insane, I have more male friends then I do female friends, I like to play video games in my spare time...so you know I tend to make friends with more males. He would constantly be asking me who I was talking to and trying to look over my shoulder to see what I was writing the seldom few times he saw me on my phone. Most of these friends were people I knew online and didn't even live near me, we were just saying "hey what's up", be he was, in my opinion, too obsessed with the fact that it was males I was talking to.

 

I do understand about trust issues, it's not good if you get into a situation where the other person feels like they always have to second guess what you're doing. I still think in this case, the posters's ex gf seemed a little extra though, at least from what I read and remember it made me think that his ex went from hot to cold very often and their age differences might have made her feel more insecure.

 

As well he should be...

 

People in committed relationships shouldnt be casually talking /texting members of the opposite sex. Your previous bf wasnt too meddling, he was just doing what anyone else would do if put in the same position.

 

Why is this concept so hard to grasp?

 

TFOY

[Love4Pain]

It's not a hard concept to grasp, but honestly, what is wrong with having friends of the opposite sex? Just because you have a gf/bf doesn't mean you have to cut yourself off from the entire rest of the world that is the same sex as your gf/bf. The fact is that I have male friends, and I haven't done a single thing with any of them, I know what boundaries are and if I'm in a relationship I hold myself to those boundaries. Sorry, I think it's childish and immature to tell your SO that they are not allowed to talk to anyone of the opposite sex for the rest of their life while they are in a relationship, as friends.

 

When my bf texted females, I didn't care. 1 because I trust him, and 2 because I'm not going to tell someone that they have to choose their friends over me. Unless I thought that he was doing something illicit with those females friends, who am I to tell my SO he is no longer allowed to talk to people of the opposite sex?

 

It just seems too controlling in my opinion

[thefooloftheyear]

It's not a hard concept to grasp, but honestly, what is wrong with having friends of the opposite sex? Just because you have a gf/bf doesn't mean you have to cut yourself off from the entire rest of the world that is the same sex as your gf/bf. The fact is that I have male friends, and I haven't done a single thing with any of them, I know what boundaries are and if I'm in a relationship I hold myself to those boundaries. Sorry, I think it's childish and immature to tell your SO that they are not allowed to talk to anyone of the opposite sex for the rest of their life while they are in a relationship, as friends.

 

When my bf texted females, I didn't care. 1 because I trust him, and 2 because I'm not going to tell someone that they have to choose their friends over me. Unless I thought that he was doing something illicit with those females friends, who am I to tell my SO he is no longer allowed to talk to people of the opposite sex?

 

It just seems too controlling in my opinion

 

The fact is why create a potential trust issue?

 

Even though its not the 1950's anymore, the differences between men and women are often such where there isn't really much to talk about unless there is a relationship. Most guys I know my age share practically nothing in common with the average woman of the same age. Men talk of construction projects, cars, guns, sports, politics, finances, etc...Most of that stuff bores the hell out of women. What do you talk about with your male friends?

 

Conversely, I find its hard to have any female friends and would find that I would be disrespectful to my partner if I had a bunch of female "friends" in my contacts..And no one is saying you dont converse with them at work or some other function. As a businessman I interact with women on a daily basis, but strictly on a professional level. But to have them stored as contacts on your phone? Nah, and frankly I would challenge that most guys would agree with me..Women, too..

 

What you call controlling behavior I call showing respect for your partner and transparency.

 

To each his own I suppose.

 

TFOY

[BeenAround]

"What you call controlling behavior I call showing respect for your partner and transparency."

 

I agree. The OP admitted he lied to his girlfriend. He also seems to do a lot of justifying of his behavior, I feel if his girlfriend felt insecure with some of his relationships with these female friends then he should have respected that. Instead he continued these realtionships.....texting/calling/meeting and simply didn't tell his girlfriend about it. She found out and it made matters worse. That's not respect or love if you ask me.

 

He should have respected her feelings.

 

I know from my own experience (and I am a confident and secure woman) to trust my gut feelings. My ex did something similar to me and tried to convince me that I was the one that had the problem. He actually had me believing it to a degree and doubting myself. The truth is I was entitled to my feelings and how his realtionship he had with a female friend made me feel. I discussed it with him as an adult and he decided to continue the realtionship with his female friend and just "hide it from me." BTW the entire relationship he had with her had always been behind my back and was innappropriate, he never talked to her in front of me. He should have had more respect for me and the way I felt but he did not. He broke the trust and untimatley ruined any intimacy we had. I could never feel the same way about him after that betrayal.......regardless of whether or not it was a "freinds only" realtionship he had with her. I did try to get past that betrayal and try again but that was a mistake because it ended up taking an emotional toll on my mental health. He made it a secret and created the suspiscion I felt by HIS actions. That is a terrible way to feel.........and it make matters worse to be told that you're not entitled to your own feelings.

 

In any case, it makes for a very unhealty relationship, using emotional manipulation as a tool. That can really make you feel crazy!!!! I'm living proof.......still trying to get over what my ex did to me..........getting stronger every day !!

[Love4Pain]

I guess it's different for me. I've talked to some of these friends for over 5 years, and they are gaming friends, as I stated I like to play video games. So I talk about things related to that.

I don't make friendships secret, I'm not advocating lieing or keeping things hidden, I'm merely stating that I don't agree with telling your SO that they aren't allowed to have friends with people of the opposite sex. If they aren't trustable, they aren't trustable either way.

[thefooloftheyear]

Iand they are gaming friends, as I stated I like to play video games. .

 

*Sigh*....'nuff said..

 

TFOY

[BeenAround]

I'm merely stating that I don't agree with telling your SO that they aren't allowed to have friends with people of the opposite sex.

 

I don't agree with telling anyone they are not "Allowed" to have friends of any sex.

 

BUT if you let your gf/bf know that a certain realtionship make you uncomfortable and you think it is inappropriate for it to continue than he/she should respect your feelings instead of going behind your back and continuing to do the very thing you told him upset you. I also think it was very immature and disrespectful for the OP to continue and admittedly hide it from his gf creating a shroud of secrecy. No good could come of that. If his realtionships were innocent he would have know reason to HIDE them. He could have spoke to his female friends in front of his gf if he had nothing to hide.

[Love4Pain]

I agree with you BeenAround, I mostly was referring to what TFOY was saying that there is no reason to talk to people of the opposite sex when you have a relationship.

 

And, I don't know what the "sigh" nuff said comment was about.