lifesux Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Heres the deal, my wife and i are HS sweethearts, we have been together since and got married right after graduating HS(we have been together for 5 yrs now). we now have a 3 yr old daughter. Anyways I found out a month ago that she cheated on me with her ex bf while she was away on a trip for a month. I was devastated when i found out and just could not believe she would do anything like that. When i confronted her, she told me that she did it only once and that they used a condom. She also said that "it just happened" and she wouldnt do anything like that ever again. The thing is that it was her that initaited the contact with her ex, which she didnt see since we got together. After a few talks i decided to work things out for the sake of my daughter. But i dont understand myself, at times i feel ok then at times i feel very depressed. Im trying really hard to just forget what i found out but sometimes i just get reminded of it. I just dont trust her and i fell being cold towards her. I do want to give her another chance for my daughter sake but im just scared she would hurt me again. I dont know what i should do, i havent opened this matter to any of my family or friends. If anybody had the same situation or feeling, please give my any advice, thanks for any replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifesux Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 Heres the deal, my wife and i are HS sweethearts, we have been together since and got married right after graduating HS(we have been toghether for 5 yrs now). we now have a 3 yr old daughter. I found out a month ago that she cheated on me with her ex bf while she was away on a trip for a month. I was devastated when i found out and just could not believe she would do anything like that. When i confronted her, she told me that she did it only once and that they used a condom. She also said that "it just happened" and she wouldnt do anything like that ever again. The thing is that it was her that initaited the contact with her ex, which she didnt see since we got together. After a few talks i decided to work things out for the sake of my daughter. But i dont understand myself, at times i feel ok then at times i feel very depressed. Im trying really hard to just forget what i found out but sometimes i just get reminded of it. I just dont trust her and i fell being cold towards her. I do want to give her another chance for my daughter but im just scared she would hurt me again. I dont know what i should do, i havent opened this matter to any of my family or friends. If anybody had the same situation or feeling, please give my any advice, thanks for any replies. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Is she remorseful? Based upon what you wrote, it seems like she was kind of acting like it was no big deal..I need to know more about her reaction...the level of her remorse... Link to post Share on other sites
MelWell Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Well that is a tough one.. Once you break that bond of trust, it is very difficult to repair - but not impossible. If you love her and are certain it was a mistake, maybe you should give her another chance and work it out, considering you hvaea child together. If you still don't feel secure with you after a long time, you won't be happy and you in turn won't treat her as well i'm sure. Did the cheat happen a very long time ago or was it fairly recent? If it happened a long time ago, I would give it another shot - although i'm sure i'd be miss eagle eye just in case.... Link to post Share on other sites
Honesty Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 These type of things do not just happen, specially if that person is her ex. There are obviously old feelings involved there. Once someone cheats it's very hard to regain any type of trust, even more so if you have been together for a long time. I know that it must be harder because you have a daughter with her, but that should have made it harder for her to cheat and it obviously did not! You have to make a decision on whether you can really forgive and forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifesux Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 to tell you the truth i dont know how much remose she feels about what she did. sometimes she acts as if she was very sorry and tries to please me in every way, but at times she acts as if nothing happened, and still does some things that she knows that i dont like. i know its not easy for both of us to change in a very short time. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 If I had cheated on someone I loved (I wouldn't!), I would be making it my life's mission to show/tell that person how sorry I was....What do you mean, she still does stuff she knows you don't like...like what? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Hello, I am sorry for your pain. I just have to say her comment that things just happened is bull. She made a deliberate choice to see her ex and have sex with him and betray your relationship. She was not raped and nobody put a gun to her head. Her response that it just happened is ridiculous. She is still not telling you the truth. She needs to be open and tell you why she deliberately decided to have sex with this guy and betray your marriage. You cannot fix anything until she is honest. I am sorry but things just don't happend and you end up have intercouse with someone else. If she refuses to be honest with you and why it happened then I really do not see how you can work on recovery. Do you really think if the roles were reversed and you told your wife you just screwed some old girlfriend on a trip because "it just happened" that your wife would accept such an explanation? I think you are foolish to accept this explanation since it is not an explanation at all. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 The problem is that you haven't laid down the law yet. She has grossly betrayed your trust, and you have no reason to believe anything she says right now. The first thing you must do is make her understand this. Secondly, from this moment forward, she must move heaven and earth to rebuild the trust she destroyed. You don't need to tell her that exactly. However, you can test her willingness to do that by insisting on some conditions. 1) She must break off all contact with the old BF, completely and forever. No "just friends" conversations or meetings -- he is now officially a cancer on your marriage. He cannot be allowed to be in her life. She must send him a letter or an email telling him that he is never to contact her again, and you get to read it and watch her send it. 2) She must give you unrestricted access, anytime you want it, to her cell phone records, email account(s), websites she subscribes to, etc. She must allow you to check these without question, and must not delete anything until you have seen it. 3) She must make herself completely accountable to you at all times -- where she is, who she's with, and you can speak to them if you want to confirm her information. She must do all of these things without question. Resistance by her will give you a pretty good indication as to the strength of her commitment to you and her willingness to do whatever it takes to rebuild what she destroyed. She must be made to understand that there are consequences to what she did, and that the trust you gave freely once now must be earned. Such are the "wages of sin". Finally, you should tell her that you will do your best to forgive her... but that such forgiveness will only be given once. If she betrays you again, not only does that end the marriage, but you will tell the entire sordid story to your friends and to both your families. BTW... don't allow her to tell you that it "just happened". I hate that explanation. Next time she uses it, remind her that it's not as though she was walking down the street, tripped, and landed on OM's dick. She made a conscious decision to betray you. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Perfect..I agree 100%....she has alot of work to do to keep this marriage together...you need to see if it is worth it to her....yes, I agree, things don't "just happen"..that comment implies that she is not taking responsibility for her actions! Disgusting!! Link to post Share on other sites
Dymondz15 Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Although I am not married, I am currently going through a situation similar to yours (the whole dealing with infidelity). My advice to you is that you do what ever makes YOU happy. Don't try to stay together purely for the sake of your daughter, children can pretty much pick up tension between their parents, no matter how much they try to conceal it. You may want to "take a break" from your relationship (<---which is what I am currently doing) to sort out all of the issues and etc. in your mind, without having to have your wife chime in when necessary, this may also help you think more clearly. If you and your wife aren't together, it won't mean that your daughter won't have wonderful parents who love her very much. Link to post Share on other sites
born2day Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Sorry to hear about your situation. I too experienced betrayal and the aftermath of pain. I tried to reconcile but in the end we parted. What I have learned is this: 1. Don't stay in a bad relationship for the sake of the child. It will only hurt the child more in the long run if there is no love there. Fathers have more rights now then ever and full custody is your right because she violated the marriage contract. 2. If you decide to stay and work it out you both need counciling. Try your church first and then the marriage councilors. 3. You! Take care or yourself. You are going to have to drop any resentments if you are going to have a fulfilling marriage. She has alot of work to do to restore your trust but if you act out of rentment it will only push her further into a web of deceit. She may be trying to get out of the marriage so don't give her the opportunity to beat you down in your spirit. Focus on you first and your relationship will evolve either for the better or worse. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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