myownlylove Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 My wife and sole mate wants time from me, and possible breakup. I met the only love ive ever had when i was 20 and she was 18, we were madly in love at first sight (i still am) and i knew instantly i wanted to be with her forever, we married in september2005 still both young and now have been married for 8 years this year, and together for 11. I am now 32 and she is 29. we had good times and good dreams, i was always the person with huge aspirations and my wife went along with everything as we were in love. I have had gambling problems in the past (which i am addressing) and have been known in the past to have a short temper. She has always been perfect to me. We moved together to a lovley part of england and had a fantastic flat in a great area, we also have a beutiful dog. We both have great careers and together make a good team. I worked away for a 1 year (returning home on weekends) and had a mid life crisis where i wanted silly things like porche, boat, be young and all the silly things that came with it (which were all beyond my reach financially). I was showing off while drunk and ended up sleeping with a person on occassions - she was not the type of person i would want or fancy it just stupidly happened. I could not get away from this person even though i tried (i wanted to get rid of this guilt and only be with my wife and to totally forget about this person) the person involved (who i wont name as it makes me sick to the stomch to even think of her name ever again) when i told her to go and leave me alone, she constantly threatend to expose me to my wife - which i could not live with, resulting in me breaking down with tears each time the threat was made. this senario lasted a short time. My wife got a great offer to work away with her company in europe prior to this silly incident, i was keen to go away also as we were having marital issues due to me working away and being an idiot in general. We left for europe and arrived and within the first few weeks this person was texing me saying she is going to tell my wife everything, at this point i didnt know what to do. My wife found out. After she found out she was in shock for weeks and emotional and angry and confused and hurt - this made me feel disgusting and hurt that she was hurting because of me - i wanted to make it all better and forgett about the issues and move on - i clearly didnt have any idea how to deal with this. She asked me to hold her and sleep with her but i coulndt from remorse she also asked me to renew vous and i said no as i didnt want to tarnish the 7 years we had together (all these things i now regret deeply - she is so perfect) she was hurt for months and still is. we had a nice christmas together and on new year eve we argured (generally drunk when arguing) we both said some hurtful things to each other. in the new year she had been recieving text from a man in work who she had been talking to about us, he was a friend of ours (as we didnt havve friends in europe) he would come out with us on evenings in a group but always hover and talk to my wife - i believed he was trying to help our sittuation but he wasnt. she now tells me she was texing a little with him general stuff with a kiss on the end which clearly encouraged him to say the right things to her. He is everything that she doesnt want in me (a smoker, doesnt look after himself, plays video games till all hours of morning, goes on the sick in work and stays out partying till 7am at the age of 38). One day she found id gambled and went mad, i met her went for drink with her, she invited him we ate food, she started hallucinatiing (saying wierd stuff as she was drunk, i was also drunk, the man was sobber) i went to hit him as she had told me she had kissed him and loved him while really really drunk (later to find out this was a lie), i got thrown out of the bar and he told her i had been using drugs which i haddent, she when leaving was not stable but did not want to go home with me as he had told her i would be dangerouse (which i would not) she left in a taxi with him believing he was drunk and she would sleep on a settee in his flat, the taxi took him to his car in a car park (she said she felt wierd) he then drove them to his place 45 min away, he told her to turn her phone of so i coudnt call, she woke up on the settee in the morning fully clothed and not remembbering anything, there was a condom on the tabel and he said something had happened (she initially said it did to me as she pressumed it happened, but after talking for days and questioning her , she couldnt remember a thing and didnt want to make things up as she couldnt remember anything from his flat) in the morning he hadnt said id called him to her until he was ready, he then didnt take her home straight away, was on his computer untill he was ready). she contiuned to text this man in work because he went sick for 2 days because she was with me and he was upset (pathetic) she felt sorry for him for some reason. im wondering weather anything has even happened and he was in love with my wife leaving a condom packett by the side of the settee for his story to be beleavable. anyhow - the issue is we are meeting today in the uk and she is nervouse because she says she does not want to be with me anymore because she thinks we have changed this year and not suited. i however want to be with her and i love her and want a future with her. Im changing my foolishness and know ive been the idiot that created this whole mess, i really want my wife and dont know what to do now. she wants to talk about money and the dog, but im in the uk and she is currently residing in europe - she is only back for 3 days and wants to see her familly also, we are meeting today but i am scared as i cant deal with her leaving me. she is my angel and always will be, i want her back. she says she is going to continue to think about us for weeks but i just want it all back to normal. i would love to renew our vous and be happy with her in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myownlylove Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 she says she cares about me and loves me but thinks we want different things in life. this is not true i dont want all those things just her and would like to know what she wants and we do it together. im being told to listen and be calm, which i will do, but i cant bare the thought of anything being finalized. Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) Honestly I don't know where to start. To me this is an actions and words thing. You call her your angel, make it out that she is the love of your life. Yet you cheated on her and engaged in negative behaviours like gambling? Sorry dude, but no man treats his 'angel' and the love of his life this way (no matter what excuses you make). You make think the relationship is special. I would be VERY surprised if your wife does. Onto your wife. Do you honestly believe your wife remembers nothing about that night with that guy!? Seriously how naive are you!? Now she either slept with the guy and remembered everything, or she is mind f**** you. It's one or the other. Seems to me this is classic payback for your cheating/gambling. Two emotionally immature people going to war. While I do not condone your wife's behaviour, I do agree with your wife's decision to leave the marriage. When we are desperate, we make all kinds of promises to change, but more often then not, these are empty promises. If you don't know why you behaved like this in the first place, how can you be 100% sure you won't make the same or new mistakes in the future? You can't be and your wife recognises this. Saying you are young and stupid is not good enough. Maybe after 2 years of therapy and self improvement those promises might mean something, but right now they don't and I speak from experience. I know you want to 'change' but you should never be in that position in the first place that you were required to 'change'. Real change takes YEARS of hard work and personal sacrifice. It takes a VERY strong person to achieve real change. Most people that promise to change (or say they have) are in denial. If I were to advise any couple, I would say as soon as your partner promising to 'change' you should automatically leave. The best advice that I can give you is leave your wife go and give her all the space she needs (don't contact her). Get to Therapy and work on your flaws. Hassling her is just driving her further and further away. When she is saying you are not listening she is right. You are not absorbing what she is trying to tell you. If you are determined to save this marriage you have to bring something new to the table and hope in 6 months a year your wife looks at maybe a second chance. Right now there is a 95% chance this is over. If you hassle her, plead and beg its 100% over for good. Edited March 22, 2013 by Mack05 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myownlylove Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 ok, thanks for the advice. I will give her the space she requires, even though it is hard. Im attending GA for the betting issue which has been good for general personality reflection also. Its hard to explain why i did what i did, i think its a self destructive instinc in me when things go right i self destruct. i do apprechiate your views. thank you Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 All I can do is to echo Mack's advice. I wouldn't even know where to start with this phukkup... It's not a marriage any more, (if indeed it ever was....) it's a power-struggle. Two Drama queens who haven't really matured or grown together.... You need to split and get a life. Seriously, this is just stupidity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myownlylove Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 yes i am listening, i will give space. thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 ok, thanks for the advice. I will give her the space she requires, even though it is hard. Im attending GA for the betting issue which has been good for general personality reflection also. Its hard to explain why i did what i did, i think its a self destructive instinc in me when things go right i self destruct. i do apprechiate your views. thank you Mate, self destruct? I've been there. I know what you are going through. Try to remember that your wife is saying she wants to leave. It doesn't matter if you agree with those reasons for her leaving. Many times people have a feeling and a gut instinct that leaving is the best option for them. However sometimes they have great difficulty in articulating the exact reasons why they want to leave. This leaves the dumpee so confused. I would recommend buying two books.. 1) The power of now 2) Getting past your breakup.. Try to get to the bottom of the self destructive self behaviour. It's a VERY tough journey, but it will help with the battle going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myownlylove Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 thank you i will get a book. shes a hurt laday because of me and i am now begining to realise that she needs her time - she said she needs to get independant. its going to be very difficult as we will be 16000 miles away by tuesday. she is seeing me today (well she said she was but i havent heard a thing - so am holding back from texting her with where and whens - which again is difficult. its hard at the moment, the one person i want is not wanting me back, its ironic as when i try hard she doesnt want me at all and says shes held us up for years, but when i was an idiot she did hold us up. she really is beutiful and i will listen tonight and alow her to run the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myownlylove Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 feel like the power has switched from me to her Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Does anyone remember the world when there was no texting? Sheesh... I feel like a broken record, but people getting together that young and not really experiencing other people are asking for trouble. you're not the same person you are at 30 as you were at 18. NO ONE knows, fully, what they like, what they want, whatever in life. I know I'm a pessimist, but I automatically predict a couple's failure if that's their history. That said, you f'ed up pretty good. How do you cheat on and keep gambling on someone you claim is the love of your life? I don't get that. I don't know how you save it if you're living in the same town. If you're 1600 miles away, good luck.... Link to post Share on other sites
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