More on closure

[egalew]

Thanks to all who responded to my post about closure earlier in the week. Interesting insights and some good advice.

 

I've written many of letters, none of which have been sent, but have been helping in the healing process.

 

Still, I see courts allow victims to read a letter to their perpetrators. The people who created horrible acts against them and their families. Sometimes you want to look someone in the eye and say, "I think what you did was f-up and hurt me."

 

Caligula was so perverse that his sexually deviant behavior even made the Romans cringe. He was known to calling for young boys from Rome to the South of Italy where he was staying. And, then when he was finished with them sexually, he throw them off the cliff.

 

That's how I often feel about my ex-married men and a lot of the other ones I read here.

 

Thanks for listening.

[veryhappy]

The part about the sexual behavior is not really out of the ordinary for the time and society. It must have been the throwing off the cliff that upset people, even though life used to be so cheap and it still is.

 

If you need to say what you have to say to him, do send him one letter. One. Final. I did, but he was the one contacting me. Don't expect the reaction you want, and don't think it will heal as much as you hope. If he didn't get how much he hurt you, how will a letter change that?

 

Time blurs the questions and the pain, and things that today seem to be impossible to get out of your mind will become dull one day.

[RickFox]

It took several good people here to help me see it and some others in the real world but finding closure, at this point, will only come from within....

 

Talking to them, xmw xmm whoever, will only serve to have more questions, more whys, more why not, more how come you did this....

 

It must come from within you. You have to reach the point of finding that it doesn't matter why, or how, or because of this or that, it's because it simply is finished.

 

I didn't get good answers from xmw, once she told me "I thought I was helping you by doing this". Sure, put it off on me, I always wanted to be treated coldly and callously and like an exiled prisoner, yeah, that sure helped. The next time it was "for my kid man." Uh huh, but in reality, she did it to save her own a** and for whatever reason, whether she cared ever or not, I can't worry about it anymore. I have wasted too much time wanting more answers, wondering if this or that was true.... I can't care anymore, I refuse to.

 

My closure is mine, it comes from me. When she contacted me thru FB last year, after she told me to never talk to her again, I got pissed off, I didn't want to know what she wanted, it didn't make me pine for her, I didn't want anything. And when I did answer her a month later, all she did was reinforce to me why NC was the best answer for me.

 

I hope you find yours.

[egalew]

Interesting tale Rick, but one I've been through many times: the guy dumps me then casually calls or e-mails a year or so later, as if nothing happened.

 

I am curious though: what did she do a year later to make your realize that NC was indeed best?

 

Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

the guy dumps me then casually calls or e-mails a year or so later, as if nothing happened.

 

After a year of NC, why respond? Give that some thought. Your life has gone on, that person isn't in your life anymore - what is the point of replying? No friendship, he's an ex(MM).

 

NC is for you, to heal and get over the person.

[stevie_23]

Don't expect the reaction you want, and don't think it will heal as much as you hope. If he didn't get how much he hurt you, how will a letter change that?

 

Time blurs the questions and the pain, and things that today seem to be impossible to get out of your mind will become dull one day.

 

This is very true in my case.

 

I wanted to send one final letter to my ex-MM a month or so ago. I still haven't written it so obviously I haven't sent it and I doubt I ever will now. It's been 3.5 months...

 

The endless questions I had, the intense pain and devastation...they've faded. I'm still not HAPPY but it's not all about HIM now anymore. It's more about ME. And it always was, but I just didn't notice it at the time.

 

I think in terms of closure, it doesn't even exist. Not in the way we usually think about it anyway.

 

Closure ideally means we get to say all that was previously left unsaid - and it gets HEARD and UNDERSTOOD by the person we are saying it to.

 

Closure ideally means we get our questions answered - in a way we WANT them answered.

 

Closure ideally means we can FINALLY move forward, with a clean slate and feeling more uplifted and happy. FREE.

 

Unfortunately, this just doesn't happen in the majority of cases where closure is actively SOUGHT. If it has to be sought, you're NOT gonna get it, you know what I mean?

 

Most likely thing is you'll say your piece and he won't understand or care or probably he WILL care but what's he going to do about it? Nothing. It changes nothing. And you still won't feel heard or understood.

 

He will NEVER answer the questions you have in a way you want them answered. He most likely won't answer them at ALL in fact, and if he DOES somehow provide answers, they won't be satisfactory.

 

You won't be in any better position to move forward. Only time does that. And introspection. And deciding that only YOU can provide your own closure, which ultimately means not depending on anything HIM-related anymore.

[stevie_23]

Oops, duplicate post.