She won't leave him

[Changed for ever]

Just over a year ago I started to get friendly with a work college , she is in a relationship with a man, has a young daughter ( he is not the father ) and also has her sister living with them who she has raised as her daughter, I'm single and also a father myself,

 

anyways we started a physical relationship knowing full well that it was just sex and nothing else, yes I am we'll aware it was wrong but we had always had something underlining between us, we always had a really hatful relationship in work towards one another and then when we actually started to work together found that we got on really well together so the affair began , as I said this all started just over a year ago and even the 1 st time we met out side work we found ourselves talking about things and I noticed that I was really interested in this lady and all of her life experiences, as you can guess by the summer last year we were deeply in love with each other and would text, talk and see each other as much as possible, due to shifts we were able to spend nights together and a lot of days out together so we were almost living two lives, we had special pet names for each other and were both aware that we had never had anything in life like this, we had each found our true sole mate, we were in love and life was amazing, I'm 40 years old and have truly ever felt like this about anyone and to feel the same back is truly an amazing feeling that makes us complete as a person, over the months we always talked about our feeling for one another and the fact that our bodies could speak with out words to one another, we even discussed how we knew our bodies wanted a baby together, she was my missing puzzle piece to my heart that I had known had been missing all my life, we both had tattoos of the missing piece and some special words also that applied to us and only us to declare our love for one another, she made me feel incredible and I always found myself writing love letters to her and doing special surprises for her to make her feel like the special lady she was, once I surprised her with an away night in a romantic castle and drew a heart in the sand with our names in...I even sang a song to her one night to show my love and dedication to her, We would hold each other all night long in bed and never let go, I would lie awake next to her all night long just to be next to her, her and her girls met my children and everyone got on so well together, my girls loved them all, her daughter never really seen her father and the man they live with is good financially with her but does not give her love, when I first met her daughter we got on really well and I tried my hardest to give this little lady the things she was missing at home and life really was amazing, all the children also knew what the situation was and what was going on so when they were all at home with him obviously no one could talk about it and me, my daughter even stayed at theirs one night as the girls were such good friends so as you can see life really was amazing for all involved, this man does nothing really with them and just sleeps, works and smokes and that's about it, they do everything them selves...over the coming months toward Christmas things were getting hard and I was struggling to cope with the fact that she was with another man, we had talked many times about her leaving but she wanted to stay due to him being her friend and that he didn't deserve to loose his family and that between them both they were financially well off and that he provided for them so well she didn't want to up root her family and have to start again although I'd have given up anything for them all, Christmas passed and we hardly talked over the period due to her being so busy with life and Christmas, the more I pushed for us to be together the more it seemed to push her away from me, since Christmas we have only met a handful of times and had a couple of days out together but she is so distant toward me, I know she is very busy as she now has her other sister living with them and she does have to do everything for them all as he really does do nothing for them really, I try so hard to distance myself from her also but always go running back and making a fool of myself, she seems able to just carry on as if everything with the simple fact she can't leave him and that is that, she hardly ever texts now and only calls when she is in her car on pops to shops, she doesn't even really bother when he is at work now and will happily go all day with out texting or ringing me, I on the other hand really miss her and try as I might I am unable to remove her from my mind, every time I close my eyes I see her and its as though she is burnt into the back of my eye lids, I love her with all my heart and sole and adore her family as my own,I find my self crying myself to sleep most nights and wake every single night missing her and thinking about her, she is determined to stay with him and does make it clear she has no intention of leaving him, I have found that over the last few weeks she gets very frustrated at me for always going on about us etc, I always say I love you and nice things but never get it back anymore, she says she loves me with all her heart and sole and that jam her man but we can't be together, as I said I would truly do anything for this lady and her family, do I carry on and follow my broken heart and fight for her because I know we are meant to be together or do I try to walk away and face a miserable life with out her, thanks for taking the time to read this

Edited March 22, 2013 by Changed for ever

[BetrayedH]

She's not your soulmate or she would be with you.

 

If your best friend told you this story as if it were his own, what would you advise him to do?

[Changed for ever]

I'd tell him what everyone tells me I suppose....they tell me if she did love me then she would leave him and be with me, I'd tell them to walk away and leave her to play games with some one else....thanks for reply

[BetrayedH]

I appreciate your honest response.

 

The tough thing in these situation is removing your emotions from the equation. You can see that she is brushing you off. I'd even say she's annoyed. That's not soulmate material. She likes having you on the side as long as you're not too clingy. Is that the kind of relationship that would be rewarding to you? Obviously not. So you have to get your heart and emotions out of this conversation and start making decisions with your brain instead.

 

There are other women out there. This one isn't the one.

[Changed for ever]

I know and it's becoming more and more apparent, once again thanks for reply, it's good together someone else's input every now and again

[Changed for ever]

Thank you for reply, since joining today I am seeing the eating cake thing a lot, your right and thank you

[BetrayedH]

I think it might help you to start thinking about life without her. You've done a lot of romanticizing about what life would be like with her. That investment didn't work out. It happens. At least it was only a year.

 

So what's next in your life? What's your new direction? Think outside of the box.

[Changed for ever]

Have taken some really good advise today from the site, and read up a lot on the situation, your rite I do need to start thinking about life with out her

 

I also realise that I do ned to stop contact as that just in turn makes my situation worse, she only calls or texts when she can be bothered so next time she does I won't reply, she has made her choice and her life is not to be with me,thanks for your time

[BetrayedH]

Good luck. Come back for support as a breakup is never an easy transition. It's helpful to get third parties to chime in on a situation when they have an objective viewpoint without the emotional connection to the situation. And there's a lot of introspection here but that results in some very good advice. You may need it as making a choice to go "no contact" with an affair partner is much easier said than done.

[Changed for ever]

I don't want to feel like I do now forever, really hurts and I just want to try to move on and get on with a life with out her

[Changed for ever]

Only 1 little thing to chuck out.... It was all me me me doing all the running and giving little thoughtful gifts, only just realised it now that you have said that but in a whole year she only ever done or gave 1 thing.... 6 months omg....

 

Your rite it is like an addiction and very difficult to deal with but I will work hard to avoid the usual random text from her when she is board expecting a reply, I'm not doing it and don't deserve to be treated like this ....

[Owl]

I don't want to feel like I do now forever, really hurts and I just want to try to move on and get on with a life with out her

 

Then remove her from your life, grieve over the loss of that relationship (as that's normal), and move on.

 

At your age, you know that this is a temporary situation. Keep that perspective, learn from the pain you've gone through, and move on with your life.

[RickFox]

It is amazing to me when I read these stories by other men. I see the similarities in how I felt when I was in my A, how she was perfect and understood me like no other, how it was all so perfect and we were soulmates..... *gag* All a bunch of crap (yes Im jaded).

 

She's showing you what's important as you've already seen and quite simply, it's not you.

 

It is an addiction, you will not be fine for quite some time but prepare yourself because when you ignore her texts and she sends another begging you to talk to her and apologizing to you for whatever it is she thinks you think she's done, you better be strong because most give in and go through the whole roller coaster ride again.

 

You see how coldly she''s turned on you, she's basically done with you, now be done with her and find someone who doesn't treat you like that.

[Changed for ever]

Thank you or our time, your rite she has turned and is very cold now as she is done with what she wants

[whichwayisup]

End it or accept that this is just an affair going no where. She's made it perfectly clear she isn't ever leaving her partner, step father to her child. She enjoys having you on the side, that's it. You tell her you want her, love her and pressure her to leave him, it's just pushing her away and making things complicated, where she is just wanting to enjoy the A for what it is.

 

Sorry but you're chasing someone, putting in lots of love, care and energy into a woman who doesn't love you the way you love her.

 

How long can you go on like this? Is it fun? Are you happy?

[JPMC]

Welcome to the club. This story is like groundhog day for all of us. Soulmates, never felt like this before. You know what will happen when you stop running back to her? She'll come running back to you, and you know what you should do then? Ignore her.

 

You want to hook your wagon up to someone who is cheating on her boyfriend, has kids and has her sister living with her? That's a lot of baggage my friend. Instead of thinking emotionally, think logically.

 

When you're together you only see her best side. Find someone else. Have a pity party for an hour and then snap out of it. You can either deal with what life presents you or have life deal with what you present it.

 

Good luck and don't ever talk with her again.

[Changed for ever]

It's hard so very hard, I do have true feelings got her but know it's not me she wants to be with, that's the hard real truth, thank you all for your replies, much appreciated

[Rdggirl]

I can assure you that the fact that she won't leave does NOT mean she doesn't love you back. I know because I am "her" and my situation is very similar to yours. I haven't been able to leave, but I love my OM with all of my heart.

[Rdggirl]

Of course for women like us, these situations shouldn't arise in the first place. I know it's not right to be unfaithful but like you and her, the OM and I hit it off right away and there was something powerful; something ive never experienced before. Several times I tried to cut ties bc I knew I was living a double life and it wasn't fair to either men. I have tried to distance myself as well. We never could actually seperate though. At one point I really did feel like I was going to leave my boyfriend for him, but as time went on I got really scared and I didn't know how my daughter and I would get by. Also, this is my daughters father and I felt so bad thinking that if I left him she would be so hurt and confused. It just became such a complicated mess. The OM was losing patience waiting for me to leave. I finally told him I didn't know when or if it would happen and he decided he still wanted me in his life. There's so much to this story but I just want to say that what I did was not fair to anyone involved. I am deeply in love with the OM. It just happened and I can't control my feelings. But for many personal reasons, including my life which has been full of struggle since i was young, I fear the uncertainty of leaving and I worry about how my daughter will be affected. It's hard to say "it's over for good" with the father of my child even though I don't think ill ever truely be happy with him. I love my OM with every ounce of me though, and even if my fears prevent us from having a real life together, I will always love him and I will always wonder if he is my true once in a lifetime love. Just know that she probably does love you very much but for whatever reasons she doesn't feel like leaving is an option. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find a way to move on. That is what my OM should do. Honestly, I don't deserve my boyfriend either. This is not a good place to be, and I'm sure your lady is confused and hurting too.

[Quiet Storm]

But what is love without action?

 

It's just a feeling. Something you can't touch. Something you can't prove. Just words.

 

It would be like a father ignoring his kid for 18 years and saying "but I always loved you".

 

When actions don't match words, it only makes the person that you "love" confused, because you should treat the people you love better than that.

[Rdggirl]

Folks, I don't need to be lectured about how much I am hurting people, including my daughter. I am fully aware of my status as a cheating, lying, selfish woman. I said in my post that I don't deserve either my bf or the OM because I have chosen to be unfaithful and inconsiderate, to say the least. I am simply sharing my perspective and experience with the original poster because I've been in his OW's shoes and I want him to know that you can love someone, even if you're too afraid to make the sacrifices and changes needed to be with them. Fear and uncertainty can overpower the love you have for someone. That doesn't mean it isn't love. Just please don't lecture me bc I'm a selfish cheater-if you read my post you would know that I feel bad and I deserve to pay the price for hurting people that I love very much.

[leyah2000]

Girl please...lol

 

people like that, the above poster, the "ow", don't give a ____ about anyone or anything but themselves. too scared to leave your "boyfriend"? grow up.

 

its a free country, if u wanted him, you can be grown enough to tell bf its over. take care of yourself and your daughter. women can do that independently, remember?

 

start taking care of yourself independently, free yourself. you don't need to be in a relationship with anyone right now.

[ThatJustHappened]

Folks, I don't need to be lectured about how much I am hurting people, including my daughter. I am fully aware of my status as a cheating, lying, selfish woman. I said in my post that I don't deserve either my bf or the OM because I have chosen to be unfaithful and inconsiderate, to say the least. I am simply sharing my perspective and experience with the original poster because I've been in his OW's shoes and I want him to know that you can love someone, even if you're too afraid to make the sacrifices and changes needed to be with them. Fear and uncertainty can overpower the love you have for someone. That doesn't mean it isn't love. Just please don't lecture me bc I'm a selfish cheater-if you read my post you would know that I feel bad and I deserve to pay the price for hurting people that I love very much.

 

How are you helping the OP move on by telling him that his OW actually does love him? Don't you think you might just be making things harder for him?

[Changed for ever]

wow, thank you all for so much great advise, i really mean that, its not easy as we all know but i some how have to move on, maybe she does love me or maybe she doesnt , all i know is that i love her and need to face the facts that either way she will never leave him and thats the truth, i believe she is not as cold as she makes out and reading some of the postes maybe just maybe she is hurting like i am, i just wish she would put it in my face and hurt me , push me away as then i could deal with a real pain if that makes sence

[Changed for ever]

Well it's been a while now since we talked properly and I see her and her family moving on quicker and quicker every day, it's taking me a lot more effort but I am doing it, it still hurts like hell and I still run over and over it all in my head every single night, but the few conversations we have had over the last few weeks have shown me just how cold she is

 

I feel now as though I truly fell in love but I think she was just filling a gap that she had at that time , now the gap is closed so am I, I think in a way I was used and don't see that anyone in the whole world could just flip a switch and carry on as if nothing ever happened and that the last 12 months never happened,I believe that is just not possible with all the things we said to each other and the way were as 1 together, and the way we were in love

 

She hurt me and through her heartless actions has removed something from me that I fear I will never be able to repair, my heart was trampled as if I was just a nobody to her, is that how it really is or do you think she is actually going through the same as me?