We said we only wanted it sexual but why is he changing

[ConfusedNLife]

Long story.....Long

I'm married w/kids for quite some time now. He's married with kids for quite some time. We met online, actually years ago, both hesitant and emailed maybe twice over a couple years. He was so paranoid that it was a turn off and I didn't pursue. Well one day I changed my user name and he emailed me as a "different girl". I decided I felt bad since he's obviously been looking for awhile and emailed him. We actually ended up talking a lot through email. I'm quite a bit younger than him, about a 13 yr dif. He was not to sure about that and not exactly ok with the idea. I reassured him I'm one of the more mature ones... and despite his crazy hesitation decided to quickly meet me. Well we both found eachother extremely attractive.

Through emails he would NOT stop addressing the issue that this was strictly a non emotional relationship. He was so fearful that I was going to be one of those crazy girls. Of which I am far from. It was getting annoying to be honest. I kept reassuring him that I would never get a divorce because my kids are all still young. He knows how I don't have a good marriage at all, from abuse to lack of anything, maybe that's what kept him crazy. I went even as far as saying I could never love a man who cheats anyways. I meant it all. We started emailing back and forth MANY times a day. We started clicking amazingly. We have so much in common its really strange, but I've always been an old soul. I started opening up a lot, maybe to much. He was still so closed up. I was ok with this, as my personality is maybe to outgoing at times. Anyways....we met a few times have kissed, have fooled around etc etc. However we email back and forth ALL the time. One day I got mad and said since your so paranoid about me falling in love with you, how about you just start emailing me when you just want some. He then said that's not what he wants. Confused me, I basically offered up to be a booty call instead of this emotional friendship we had started developing.

Well, over a few more weeks I really opened up about my personal personal life, he knew where I lived, knew what I did for a living, knew deep personal issues I had. At times there were things I said and was like ugh sorry you probably dont want to hear about it. He would always say "no, tell me i want to connect with you". He started then opening up, telling me even where he lived, telling me where his kids went to school! I found it strange because he was sooooooo closed prior and paranoid to all hell. Well, I joked one day about how there is only one guy I'd ever leave my husband for to see if it worked....a friend of mine (if he ever left his wife). Well he got really upset and said that really bothers him to hear me say that. He said he doesnt want to hear me talk about how "dreamy" this guy is. I was confused! I even said why! You keep saying no emotions no emotions....why would it matter to you! He then told me that "you knew I was just being sarcastic right?" I was like what!?!?! Then has told me things like "you know how strongly I feel about you right??" I'm like what!?!? I don't understand why this is happening....why was he sooooooo crazy about needing reassurance that this was strictly sexual...to then go and say things like this to me!?

Dont get me wrong....he would never leave his wife nor am I looking for that. He makes a lot of money has an incredible home and kids and I totally get why he wouldnt want to give up half.

But can this man who was insane about making sure I just wanted sex....now be seriously developing feelings for me?!

[chaser0195]

He could be developing feelings or not. No One but him knows his true feelings. Maybe part of his comments are jealousy which do NOT denote feelings. He wants you to want only him because if you find someone else to fulfill your needs then he will be left high and dry.

[Lillyfree]

No. He's now content knowing you won't turn psycho, so he's moving forward with grooming you to be a long term OW.

[ConfusedNLife]

Well.....if its just a jealousy thing and there is no feelings...why does he not just want to keep this a booty call thing. Why does he say things like and I'm quoting "you know how strongly I feel about you...please tell me you know how strongly I feel for you?" "I love how deep we can connect, it makes me want you really bad" then he tells me that he feels so guikty for doing this but not because of the sexual part but because of how he is becoming dependent on me. Wth does that mean?!?

[chaser0195]

Well.....if its just a jealousy thing and there is no feelings...why does he not just want to keep this a booty call thing. Why does he say things like and I'm quoting "you know how strongly I feel about you...please tell me you know how strongly I feel for you?" "I love how deep we can connect, it makes me want you really bad" then he tells me that he feels so guikty for doing this but not because of the sexual part but because of how he is becoming dependent on me. Wth does that mean?!?

Because jealousy can cause even the most level headed person to act irrational and add that to the affair scenario its a recipe for mental overload. Unless and until he says "I love you" his strong feelings could mean many things. Especially the "want you really bad part". To me that means he wants to sleep with you really bad. And of course he connects well with you. You want the same no strings attached relationship as him. Who doesn't connect with someone that wants the same thing in a relationship as their willing partner? Plus he is dependant on you being there to fulfill his needs. Which he clearly stated as being sexual only.

But as I said before, only he knows his true feelings for you. Serious question for ya, Do YOU want him to fall for you? And are you falling for him? If not and you feel he is getting to serious about the relationship then you need to cut him off NOW.

Edited March 22, 2013 by chaser0195

[ConfusedNLife]

Well I know he doesnt love me...its way to soon for that. In a sense I've never had this with anyone. I've had affairs before...even long term. But some internal deep thing within me feels way to close to him. I didnt want this...I didn't want these feelings. I even told him I wished more than anything he would of just kept me as a booty call. Why this is happening I don't know. I feel sick everyday and anxious and thats not at all what i wanted.

[chaser0195]

Well I know he doesnt love me...its way to soon for that. In a sense I've never had this with anyone. I've had affairs before...even long term. But some internal deep thing within me feels way to close to him. I didnt want this...I didn't want these feelings. I even told him I wished more than anything he would of just kept me as a booty call. Why this is happening I don't know. I feel dick everyday and anxious and thats not at all what i wanted.

I really hope you meant to say SICK. TEEHEE. Anywho, If you feel that its more than you want and that he is becoming to attached then drop him, cut him off or YOU might become the object of some crazy obsessed man.

[LFH]

But can this man who was insane about making sure I just wanted sex....now be seriously developing feelings for me?!

 

Of course he can. The whole "just sex" turns into complicated chaos faster than you might think.

The rules change, you have to decide if you're still ok with this, he needs to decide the same. When is all this too hard, what do you want from this, what does he want from this.

None of this is easy.

We started with a plan of "one night/possibly weekend of fooling around" and now here we are YEARS later, crazy in love and dealing with a tornado of complicated.

I think a lot of people (myself included) make the assumption that they can separate things, and not everyone can. It's not a man/woman thing always either.

It's a person issue. Everyone's going to be different and the really dangerous part is you don't know that until you're in it.

So what do you want out of this? Is him getting more attached a deal breaker? Have you asked him what it is he wants?

[LFH]

BTW, why don't you get a divorce and live a more authentic life?

 

She already answered that. Her kids are little and she doesn't want to.

[LFH]

She is a cake eater. She does not want to fall in love with MOM, oops sorry MM.

 

Some people are. I don't think you can change that.

I've never understood why people think that you can.

 

Thanks.. MM. Yes. No Mom. Mom is who you buy flowers for in May. LOL

[Feelin Frisky]

That comment you made was very unflattering and the kind of thing you keep to yourself. Human beings aren't computers that can synchronously sort and file things under emotions or intellect with no feeling. Regardless of any general understanding, no one wants to be told that if they'd leave their husband or wife--whichever applied--it would be for some third party douche that doesn't even figure into the equation. That's a kick in the ego that should be filed under rather inconsiderate TMI and not considerate intimacy.

[whichwayisup]

I know you don't want to divorce, but why not discuss an open marriage with your husband? All this drama and effort put into someone you barely know, albeit online most of the time, but still! Just seems to be stressing you out and making the focus away from your kids and family life. Not sure how bad the abuse is at home, but honestly, if it IS bad, then your children should not be around that type of negative energy. You've had other affairs throughout your marriage too, so obviously there isn't much love or respect left for your husband. Wouldn't it be healthier for you, your children and husband/family life to just have two happy households instead of one, where you're unhappy and I take it your H is too? This does impact your kids, especially if you and your H barely speak or spend time together, and if he abuses you.

 

Anyway, you're spending way too much time investing in a man that has no intention of leaving his wife. Either accept things as they are, enjoy it for what it is, or end it.