Is he fishing, and should I directly answer him?

[Star Gazer]

That's really unfortunate.

 

But at least he was honest about it after two dates.

 

Right. I'm really bummed at the timing of it... they (he? it's unclear if it's even returned) literally felt a spark, for the first time in years, as soon as I left. Literally hours after he dropped me off at the airport.

 

[Charlene78]

It's a good thing that a man cares about whether there is competition for a woman he's into. The men that don't care are generally not that invested and tend to keep their options open. That's why those types of men can be so laid back all the time, even in the face of competition, because they don't feel that strong attachment to a woman which is needed to build a truly loving bond.

 

Men that care don't want to share a woman and the ones that don't care tend to keep their own options open at all time.

 

So in my opinion his worries about competition are a good thing. It shows he cares, it shows he can build attachment to you, it shows vulnerability and it shows he values exclusivity with you.

[amaysngrace]

I don't think I did, honestly. I'm really disappointed.

 

He said that me telling him that I was only dating him made him "clam up" and made him feel pressured like he had to make a decision... and so he made one.

 

I think he made a poor choice by not choosing you firstly but I don't think he was sounding all that wonderful. He was sounding too much like a salesman if you ask me.

 

And he was reading your comments from other guys. That would have bothered me....oh yeah....it did.

 

When a man comes on that strongly it's just a real bad sign IMO. It's kind of like a diet....when the weight comes off gradually its a truer weight loss than a crash diet.

[tbf]

Right. I'm really bummed at the timing of it... they (he? it's unclear if it's even returned) literally felt a spark, for the first time in years, as soon as I left. Literally hours after he dropped me off at the airport.

 

Odd timing. Also odd that he took down his match profile after your discussion on Sunday but felt this spark on Friday with another girl who's a friend that he's known for some time. I'm not so certain this guy's ready for anything serious, no matter what he said.

[tuxedo cat]

I don't think I did, honestly. I'm really disappointed.

 

He said that me telling him that I was only dating him made him "clam up" and made him feel pressured like he had to make a decision... and so he made one.

 

Wow, sorry to hear this. I have to agree that you dodged a bullet. The timing is just weird, as if she became more attractive to him because you were interested. Along with the description you gave us of him earlier, I'm getting a grass is greener vibe.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong in telling him. Otherwise he may have led you on for awhile.

 

Your instincts were also good. Remember how nervous you were about telling him? This was probably your spidey sense letting you know that you wouldn't be getting the answer you wanted.

[Ruby Slippers]

He said that me telling him that I was only dating him made him "clam up" and made him feel pressured like he had to make a decision... and so he made one.

So... he keeps hinting to find out if you're seeing others, then when you say you're not, he magically feels a spark with someone else and ends things?

 

I agree this is no big loss.

 

My impression from the beginning is that he's looking for some insta-replacement girl for his last relationship. This move just makes him seem even stranger.

 

I also agree that he's not ready, given that this rather long relationship just ended 5 months ago. My 6-month relationship ended 3 months ago, and I'm barely ready myself - and that was a peaceful breakup with no cheating or anything sketchy.

 

No big loss.

[Charlene78]

What I mean is that that was perhaps the reason why he said that dating that other girl was "easier". Perhaps he suspected too much competition and didn't want to deal with that.

[tuxedo cat]

What I mean is that that was perhaps the reason why he said that dating that other girl was "easier". Perhaps he suspected too much competition and didn't want to deal with that.

 

I doubt that. I think his reason was BS anyway. How is dating a friend easier? If anything it could be stickier.

[Star Gazer]

It's a good thing that a man cares about whether there is competition for a woman he's into. The men that don't care are generally not that invested and tend to keep their options open. That's why those types of men can be so laid back all the time, even in the face of competition, because they don't feel that strong attachment to a woman which is needed to build a truly loving bond.

 

Men that care don't want to share a woman and the ones that don't care tend to keep their own options open at all time.

 

So in my opinion his worries about competition are a good thing. It shows he cares, it shows he can build attachment to you, it shows vulnerability and it shows he values exclusivity with you.

 

You're a little behind. Haha...

 

But he did say that he *did* want to know, and that he *was* fishing for the answers I gave him, and did want to be the only one. But then he felt something for someone else, and let me go.

[Star Gazer]

And he was reading your comments from other guys. That would have bothered me....oh yeah....it did.

 

WHAT are you talking about? That didn't happen...

[Charlene78]

I doubt that. I think his reason was BS anyway. How is dating a friend easier? If anything it could be stickier.

 

If he suspected competition in regards to Star Gazer, then perhaps he chose to play it safe and go for his friend who he thinks is easier to court, because perhaps his friend has less competition pursuing her.

[Star Gazer]

Odd timing. Also odd that he took down his match profile after your discussion on Sunday but felt this spark on Friday with another girl who's a friend that he's known for some time. I'm not so certain this guy's ready for anything serious, no matter what he said.

 

I asked him point blank why he took it down and why now of all times, and he said that he's done with OLD, that he's going to try it "this way" (meaning, friends with someone first).

[Star Gazer]

So... he keeps hinting to find out if you're seeing others, then when you say you're not, he magically feels a spark with someone else and ends things?

 

I agree this is no big loss.

 

My impression from the beginning is that he's looking for some insta-replacement girl for his last relationship. This move just makes him seem even stranger.

 

I also agree that he's not ready, given that this rather long relationship just ended 5 months ago. My 6-month relationship ended 3 months ago, and I'm barely ready myself - and that was a peaceful breakup with no cheating or anything sketchy.

 

No big loss.

 

Well, he said it had died long before that (that he couldn't "let her back in" after she cheated), and given what he explained, I don't believe it was a fresh hurt/breakup. He said they actually split-split finally on good terms.

[tbf]

I asked him point blank why he took it down and why now of all times, and he said that he's done with OLD, that he's going to try it "this way" (meaning, friends with someone first).

But why did the spark suddenly happen with someone he's known for awhile? It's almost like he's having a knee jerk reaction to the possibility of something more serious happening between the two of you.

[Star Gazer]

Do we really have to tear the guy down because he liked someone else?

 

Right?

 

I really think this guy is a good guy, and I think I kinda blew it by telling him. It forced his hand. If he'd had more time to evaluate, it may have turned out differently.

 

Then again, I believed he wanted to know, and he admitted today that he wanted to know, but that at the same time, it made him pull back and "clam up" and he "doesn't think after clamming up like that, that he can get those excited feelings back again."

 

Ok then.

[Star Gazer]

But why did the spark suddenly happen with someone he's known for awhile? It's almost like he's having a knee jerk reaction to the possibility of something more serious happening between the two of you.

 

Weird indeed. He said they've been friends for a long time, and never flirted or anything, they just run in the same circle.

 

What's weirder even still is that he was texting me cute stuff while he was at the bar where she was working on Friday. He was there for a birthday party, and even told me, "My friend [name] is the bartender, so needless to say I'm having a couple more drinks than I otherwise would." So, my take is that he got drunk and started flirting and she flirted back and now he's all "wowza" over her.

 

She is pretty "hot" too. The opposite of me from a class perspective.

[Charlene78]

We can only guess for the reasons, maybe he liked you, but didn't feel that a relationship would last. The reason I think that is that he was fishing about your dating style. Which means he might have felt insecure.

 

Some people that have been burnt in the past will move on if they feel that the dating style of the person they're dating hints towards an unstable relationship in the future.

 

What I mean is that he smelled competition and that he might have thought that Star Gazer allowed that competition to have access to her.

 

Meaning that he could think that pursuing her for the long term could be a long and draining process.

 

And that could be the reason why he thought his friend was easier to pursue.

[Treasa]

OK, I think twice now you've mentioned blowing it. As someone who came from that place not terribly long ago, I think you put him on a pedestal, my dear, and you are giving him way too much credit and yourself not enough.

 

I don't think someone who is super inquisitive about other guys, but then can't be honest with you right away, and who suddenly decides he wants to be with someone else, is all that much of a catch. And you're seeing him at his best. I don't give a rat's ass if he drove you to the airport. Tell me where you live and I'll drive you to the airport myself. That gesture is practically meaningless.

 

You dodged a bullet. I got a twitchy gut reaction when I read your very first post, and as I kept reading, I thought, "This isn't going to end well," and then I saw the most recent bit.

 

I'm at the point now where I NEVER EVER say, "I blew it," about some guy. I'm much more likely to tell the guy, straight to his face, "You blew it, moron."

 

You are number one, and therefore most deserving of your own praise.

[Divasu]

What a bummer. It was cool that he still met you at the airport, albeit under not so cozy circumstances.

[Star Gazer]

We can only guess for the reasons, maybe he liked you, but didn't feel that a relationship would last. The reason I think that is that he was fishing about your dating style. Which means he might have felt insecure.

 

Some people that have been burnt in the past will move on if they feel that the dating style of the person they're dating hints towards an unstable relationship in the future.

 

What I mean is that he smelled competition and that he might have thought that Star Gazer allowed that competition to have access to her.

 

Meaning that he could think that pursuing her for the long term could be a long and draining process.

 

And that could be the reason why he thought his friend was easier to pursue.

 

He hasn't even gone out on a date with this "hot bartender" friend yet. They haven't kissed, made out, hooked up. In his mind, he wants a shot with her more than he wants to date me - the girl who basically just told him to his face that she only wanted to date him.

 

I'm a catch, so OF COURSE there's going to be other guys who want to date me. But I told him quite bluntly that he was the only one I wanted.

 

I also agree with TC that dating a friend isn't easier, it's stickier. He said they have tons in common, but we do too.

 

He kept going on and on about how me telling him freaked him out, made him clam up, etc.

[tuxedo cat]

Right?

 

I really think this guy is a good guy, and I think I kinda blew it by telling him. It forced his hand. If he'd had more time to evaluate, it may have turned out differently.

 

Then again, I believed he wanted to know, and he admitted today that he wanted to know, but that at the same time, it made him pull back and "clam up" and he "doesn't think after clamming up like that, that he can get those excited feelings back again."

 

Ok then.

 

Not trying to demonize the guy at all but I really think you're being too hard on yourself. He wanted to know yet he clammed up when he found out the answer? He very well may be a good guy but he also sounds like somebody who is wishy-washy and probably not a good candidate for a serious relationship right now.

 

Remember how he said he likes women who initiate and show strong interest? Sounds like the opposite to me. Words/actions mismatch.

[tbf]

he admitted today that he wanted to know, but that at the same time, it made him pull back and "clam up" and he "doesn't think after clamming up like that, that he can get those excited feelings back again."

 

Weird indeed. He said they've been friends for a long time, and never flirted or anything, they just run in the same circle.

 

What's weirder even still is that he was texting me cute stuff while he was at the bar where she was working on Friday. He was there for a birthday party, and even told me, "My friend [name] is the bartender, so needless to say I'm having a couple more drinks than I otherwise would." So, my take is that he got drunk and started flirting and she flirted back and now he's all "wowza" over her.

 

She is pretty "hot" too. The opposite of me from a class perspective.

Way too much detail from this guy. Smells off. Refer back to your previous post. Boom tish, he freaked.

[Star Gazer]

What a bummer. It was cool that he still met you at the airport, albeit under not so cozy circumstances.

 

NO, actually, it's not. The whole point of him coming was to be "that guy" - the awesome guy you're dating who takes you to and picks you up from the airport. It actually sucks arse, because he wasn't coming because he wanted to, but because he felt obligated.

[Treasa]

He hasn't even gone out on a date with this "hot bartender" friend yet. They haven't kissed, made out, hooked up. In his mind, he wants a shot with her more than he wants to date me - the girl who basically just told him to his face that she only wanted to date him.

 

I'm a catch, so OF COURSE there's going to be other guys who want to date me. But I told him quite bluntly that he was the only one I wanted.

 

I also agree with TC that dating a friend isn't easier, it's stickier. He said they have tons in common, but we do too.

 

He kept going on and on about how me telling him freaked him out, made him clam up, etc.

 

Don't date little boys in men's bodies.

 

So what if he wants to date this other chick? If he wanted to cut off his dick and hang it from his forehead, would that be any reflection on you? The only thing it says about him is that he's ****ed up in the head. I don't know any mature adults who act like this.

[Star Gazer]

Way too much detail from this guy. Smells off. Refer back to your previous post. Boom tish, he freaked.

 

So, he wouldn't have freaked if I kept my mouth shut?

 

At least I didn't cry. The whole 15 minute convo was conducted with a half-smile on my face...