Is he fishing, and should I directly answer him?

[Star Gazer]

You say you feel he was fishing for things in regards to competing men. My point is that your feeling was right on the money.

 

Well, yeah. And today I told him as much. I said, "I only told you that because I got the sense you were fishing and wanted to know." And his response was, "Yeah, I was fishing, I did want to know."

 

Here's why.

 

You kept your dating profile up and you both talked about the men that could be pursuing you via Match. Then later he said he was done with online dating and that dating is friend was easier. Meaning he thought that pursuing you was more difficult than his friend, because he felt that he had to deal with competition now.

 

This is the order of events:

 

He fishes

I take profile down, without comment

He fishes

I fell him I'm no longer on Match and why

He takes his profile down

He tells me about hot bartender and ends things with me and says he's done with OLD

[Charlene78]

Well, yeah. And today I told him as much. I said, "I only told you that because I got the sense you were fishing and wanted to know." And his response was, "Yeah, I was fishing, I did want to know."

 

 

 

This is the order of events:

 

He fishes

I take profile down, without comment

He fishes

I fell him I'm no longer on Match and why

He takes his profile down

He tells me about hot bartender and ends things with me and says he's done with OLD

 

Well, if that's the order of events, then his decision does seem a lot more irrational than I assumed.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe, maybe not. He came to pick you up. When a guy's emotionally gone, he won't bother to not only pick you up but have to "endure" a form of break up. They're more likely to fade or text.

 

He said, "Hey, at least you got a ride home from the airport!" as a joke to try to break the awkwardness, and I said, "I actually wish you hadn't. There was a reason why you, of all people, were the one picking me up from the airport, ya know." And he said, "What was I going to do, cancel last minute?" and I told him I wish he would have. I was speaking from the heart there, it was awkward.

 

Add in that he admitted to freaking out after looking for confirmation of exclusive dating and this points to one emotionally confused guy.

 

((hugs)) You're not stupid. You just got attached to a guy who from the sounds of it, isn't in the right head space.

 

I really liked him and thought that we really had something.

 

I can't tell you how many times during dinner, I felt a warmth in my belly and a tender feeling for him.

[Star Gazer]

Well, if that's the order of events, then his decision does seem a lot more irrational than I assumed.

 

Right.

 

In short, he knew there was competition, but then he unequivocally knew there was no competition anymore. Once he knew there was no competition, he pulled out.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, he said it had died long before that (that he couldn't "let her back in" after she cheated), and given what he explained, I don't believe it was a fresh hurt/breakup. He said they actually split-split finally on good terms.

Classic line. Isn't that what people who just got divorced often say? "The marriage was dead for years." Yeah, but it still takes time to disengage and get over a breakup, even if you're just living as roommates.

 

I agree that you have a tendency to blame yourself for wishy-washy/strange behavior from men. What's that about? I don't see that you did anything wrong here.

[Charlene78]

Right.

 

In short, he knew there was competition, but then he unequivocally knew there was no competition anymore. Once he knew there was no competition, he pulled out.

 

I see, I understand it now, we're on the same page.

 

I'm sorry Star Gazer. His decision now doesn't make any sense to me either.

[tuxedo cat]

He said, "Hey, at least you got a ride home from the airport!" as a joke to try to break the awkwardness, and I said, "I actually wish you hadn't. There was a reason why you, of all people, were the one picking me up from the airport, ya know." And he said, "What was I going to do, cancel last minute?" and I told him I wish he would have. I was speaking from the heart there, it was awkward.

 

 

 

I really liked him and thought that we really had something.

 

I can't tell you how many times during dinner, I felt a warmth in my belly and a tender feeling for him.

 

Hey, don't be down on yourself for getting a bit attached after a couple of dates. It happens to all of us. Sometimes feelings don't follow a logical schedule and just burst out. Especially if you've had a lot of disheartening experiences and feel like you've finally met someone who is different from the rest.

 

The good thing is I'm sure you'll be over this really fast.

[Star Gazer]

Classic line. Isn't that what people who just got divorced often say? "The marriage was dead for years." Yeah, but it still takes time to disengage and get over a breakup, even if you're just living as roommates.

 

I agree that you have a tendency to blame yourself for wishy-washy/strange behavior from men. What's that about? I don't see that you did anything wrong here.

 

I guess I do that because... well, what other reason could there be? I'm the common denominator. Thing is, I've tried it every which way, so it's not like I'm repeating patterns. I multi-date and make them chase, I single-date and am open and reciprocate, I do this, I do that, I try this, I try that. Nothing's working.

 

All I know is that as soon as they have me - and I mean AS SOON AS THEY HAVE ME (whenever that happens) - they're gone. Every single time. If I never open up, if I never attach, if I never catch feelings, they'll stick around. But do I want to be cold and not feeling in order to keep a guy around? Heck no. So, what's a girl to do? I really don't know.

[Star Gazer]

Hey, don't be down on yourself for getting a bit attached after a couple of dates. It happens to all of us. Sometimes feelings don't follow a logical schedule and just burst out. Especially if you've had a lot of disheartening experiences and feel like you've finally met someone who is different from the rest.

 

The good thing is I'm sure you'll be over this really fast.

 

That's the kicker right there. That's what I thought to be true. Like, deep in my gut felt it. I can't even trust my own instincts.

[Ruby Slippers]

Nothing's working.

 

I can't even trust my own instincts.

I see a pattern of negative commentary about yourself and your dating life in your posts.

 

More and more, I see that whatever energy I'm creating and projecting is the energy I attract. When I'm gloomy and cynical, I meet gloomy, cynical people and have gloomy, cynical experiences. When I'm open and curious, I meet open, curious people and have open, curious experiences. So that's always a mirror that shows me something about myself I need to see.

 

Basically, it seems pretty clear to me that I manifest whatever I need to teach me something, or elevate myself to the next level.

 

I think you're going into new dating relationships believing, on some level, that they're not going to work out. You're picking the same type of guy over and over to make your expectations come true.

 

I haven't read enough of your posts and don't have enough of a sense about you to venture a guess as to what lesson there is in this for you - but there has to be one.

[FitChick]

Look at it this way: at least you saved cab fare.

 

I predict you will hear from him again when things go bad with the bartender.

[xxoo]

Are these guys the male equivalent of a tease? Instead of getting an ego boost out of working up a guy, and then turning him down....they get an ego boost out of getting you interested, but they were never truly interested?

 

The flowers at the escalator thing after only a couple dates...most single guys wouldn't lay it on that thick in the beginning. It sounds like a line--a practiced one (maybe not exactly that scenario, but that gushy romantic gesture mentioned on an early date).

 

Alternatively, are you very different from his "type"? You mentioned this new woman is in the service industry. You are a professional. Which is more his type? I'm wondering if he was "going with his head" dating you (dating who he thinks he should date, a woman who has it all together), but his "heart" won out and he fell back on his type.

[Ruby Slippers]

Are these guys the male equivalent of a tease? Instead of getting an ego boost out of working up a guy, and then turning him down....they get an ego boost out of getting you interested, but they were never truly interested?

 

The flowers at the escalator thing after only a couple dates...most single guys wouldn't lay it on that thick in the beginning. It sounds like a line--a practiced one (maybe not exactly that scenario, but that gushy romantic gesture mentioned on an early date).

I was thinking that, too. What you described is attracting guys who want to "win" you fast, then disengage once they prove to themselves they can win you. What kind of guy does that? One who's insecure, vain, needs validation, needs to prove something to himself. It seems like a hollow exercise to prove they can win you, with no real connection or feelings on their part.

[Star Gazer]

Alternatively, are you very different from his "type"? You mentioned this new woman is in the service industry. You are a professional. Which is more his type? I'm wondering if he was "going with his head" dating you (dating who he thinks he should date, a woman who has it all together), but his "heart" won out and he fell back on his type.

 

I imagine that I'm very different from his type. He dropped out of college and is in a sort of technical/construction/blue-collar-yet-business/sales field. His ex-GF (the one of 4-6 years) was also in the service industry, and in all honesty was average at best in terms of attractiveness (I've seen the pictures).

[Star Gazer]

I see a pattern of negative commentary about yourself and your dating life in your posts.

 

More and more, I see that whatever energy I'm creating and projecting is the energy I attract. When I'm gloomy and cynical, I meet gloomy, cynical people and have gloomy, cynical experiences. When I'm open and curious, I meet open, curious people and have open, curious experiences. So that's always a mirror that shows me something about myself I need to see.

 

Basically, it seems pretty clear to me that I manifest whatever I need to teach me something, or elevate myself to the next level.

 

I think you're going into new dating relationships believing, on some level, that they're not going to work out. You're picking the same type of guy over and over to make your expectations come true.

 

I haven't read enough of your posts and don't have enough of a sense about you to venture a guess as to what lesson there is in this for you - but there has to be one.

 

I agree with you in the abstract.

 

What's off though is that I actually enter each new dating situation with the open, curious, and more importantly confident, viewpoint. I really do, to the point I am often viewed as foolish or naive.

 

It's when I "catch feelings" or form some attachment that the negative thoughts set in.

[Star Gazer]

I was thinking that, too. What you described is attracting guys who want to "win" you fast, then disengage once they prove to themselves they can win you. What kind of guy does that? One who's insecure, vain, needs validation, needs to prove something to himself. It seems like a hollow exercise to prove they can win you, with no real connection or feelings on their part.

 

Yes, the guys who "hook me" are the guys who make efforts to win me fast.

[amaysngrace]

WHAT are you talking about? That didn't happen...

 

You said he accidentally read a three page text from a guy on match. I thought on match you text each other. I don't know how dating websites work.

 

So he accidentally read it on your phone? That's even worse.

[amaysngrace]

I was thinking that, too. What you described is attracting guys who want to "win" you fast, then disengage once they prove to themselves they can win you. What kind of guy does that? One who's insecure, vain, needs validation, needs to prove something to himself. It seems like a hollow exercise to prove they can win you, with no real connection or feelings on their part.

 

Exactly. A salesman.

[amaysngrace]

Personally I think he wants to hook up with her because some of the regulars where she works think she is hot.

 

This guy never got a second glance from her until she found out he was seeing a lawyer. Then she saw him differently. Her interest in him is about as shallow as his is in her.

 

You will hear from him again.

 

This is how it plays out in my head.

[clia]

Right?

 

I really think this guy is a good guy, and I think I kinda blew it by telling him. It forced his hand. If he'd had more time to evaluate, it may have turned out differently.

 

 

I don't want to kick you when you're down, but I think you are spot on. I went back through the thread and couldn't help but notice that nearly everyone told you not to bring it up yet, that it was too soon, etc.

 

I get that you want to be honest and open, but this guy was blowtorching you big time and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I've learned over many years of dating that there is rarely anything to be gained by revealing feelings too soon. It's one thing if you want to stop dating others; it's another thing to specifically tell a guy that. In my experience, men take longer to bond and get attached, and it is worth your while to play it cool until they reach that point and get gaga over you. Then you can pretty much say whatever you want and be as open as you want.

 

Too many men like to say big things and make blah blah future talk way early on, when they really don't mean it. They might even think they mean it, but deep down they don't. Your best bet is to turn them on *ignore* until sufficient time has passed that you know they are actually serious.

 

I'm sorry this happened -- it really sucks. Believe me, I've been there!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Some random comments:

 

1. Star, this is NOT your fault. You were open to connect and honest. You shouldn't have to be cold and play games to get a guy. I refuse to do that myself.

 

2. His bar-attender story may not be completely true. He likely had a thing for her for a while. It doesn't just happen out of thin air after you have known someone for years.

 

3. Women are competitive. She likely heard that he is dating someone and that made him more attractive to her.

 

4. He could have been fishing about you dating others as an ego boost/validation, not because he was considering getting serious. I have had many situations where guys were kinda asking me how much I liked them, are there others in the picture etc. Then once I told them that I did indeed like them, poof - they were out of the picture.

 

5. EVERY guy that did similar to me came back at some point. I took great pleasure in rejecting them. Hope you do he same

[Janesays]

Star, I think you are beating yourself up for the wrong things. THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU DID 'WRONG' IN TERMS OF YOUR BEHAVIOR.

 

Unless you consider things like 'honesty' and 'openness' are 'wrong.' Things to be ashamed, which they are NOT.

 

But you DO bring this on yourself and I don't want you to get super defensive OR beat yourself up over this. I want you to just stand back and analyse yourself for a moment.

 

You let these men manipulate you into super personal conversations too fast, too soon. When a guy sits down with you at a dinner for a first or second date, and then proceeds to use you as a sounding board for all his woeful past relationships....you mistake that as romantic intimacy instead of seeing that for what it really is: You are a handy person for him to vent and complain to. And then you ALLOW these guys to keep using you as a sounding board instead of treating you with GENUINE ROMANTIC INTEREST....until they find someone who they actually ARE romantically interested in.

 

When a guy is sincerely ROMANTICALLY interested in you, he doesn't sit there and whine and moan about the last girl who cheated on him, the girl before that who was emotionally cold, what he would like his next girlfriend to do and so on and so forth. He doesn't say those things because he's wants to IMPRESS YOU and he doesn't want you to think he's 'damaged' from past relationships or that he comes with too much baggage.

 

Women tend to forget that men don't enjoy talking to other men about their broken hearts. So instead they find really 'cool' females who will listen, empathize, offer advice, and then maybe let him touch her boobs later.

 

How did he describe you again? A 'cool' chick but no spark? Exactly.

 

Even worse, he draws you out, makes you believe he's curious about 'you' (He's not....he just doesn't want to look like a poor listener, so Star, tell me a little about YOU) and then has the NERVE to turn around and use that as an EXCUSE for dumping you later.

 

I don't know if men are purposely manipulating women when they play these games or if it's something they don't realize they are doing. It really doesn't matter, though. The effect is the same.

 

The only, the ONLY thing you did wrong is take the warm, intimate conversations he had with you and interpret that as romantic interest on his part....which allowed you to trick yourself into developing 'feelings' for him based on all these falsely intimate moments.

 

When a man uses me as an emotional dumping ground or as a way to puke up his past to me before freaking DESSERT, I friendzone him immediately. Why? Because he very clearly friendzoned me.

 

Your openness and your honesty will be ATTRACTIVE to someone who has sincere romantic interest in you. I promise you that. Just don't waste it on these fools.

 

After five months of dating my current fiance, I told him that I loved him. He didn't say it back. He had never said it to ANYONE before and he wanted to take a moment to examine his feelings before making that sort of verbal commitment. (He later told me this) Did me telling him how he felt though make him run for the door? OF COURSE NOT. He went home, thought about it, and realized he loved me too. He did give me any nonsense about how my declaration make him feel 'pressured.' And YOUR future fiance will feel the same way!!! He will be HAPPY when romantic feelings from you are stated because HE SEES YOU THE SAME WAY.

 

Never be ashamed for being honest about the way that you feel. Just quit giving your heart to dopes.

[xxoo]

I get that you want to be honest and open, but this guy was blowtorching you big time and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

 

What does that mean: blowtorching?

[SJC2008]

OP given how much you like this guy my gut is telling me you didn't articulate well when telling him you only want to date him and he took it as coming on too strong. I find it strange that he felt a spark with a woman he's known for a while (IIRC) but who knows? Either way it's for the better, you were only two dates in so hopefully the sting doesn't last two long.

[ffw]

Hi SG,

 

I agree with ES, be true to yourself & don't indulge in playing games. It may work for short time; but not in the long term relationship. For whatever reasons he broke up with you, atleast he was honest with you. He didn't stood you up. You are a smart person & as you know it's important from the past. Good luck.