Is he fishing, and should I directly answer him?

[Ruby Slippers]

Unfortunately, guys were the craziest about me when during the first couple of months dating I was actually pining after someone else. So wasn't taking them that seriously, was naturally distant. It almost makes me resent guys that they are so into that.

Yeah, my ex was most attentive when I had almost given up on him and was basically just tolerating being in the same room with him. That's also when he cuddled me the absolute best ever, almost like his life depended on it. Ugh.

 

I don't think it's just a man thing, though. I've even tried being aloof with my cat, and it works - immediately makes her crazy to get me to give her attention

 

(Don't mean to derail the thread...)

[Treasa]

I know you told me not to post again, but as I'm not attacking you, and as I feel like I have something to offer if you'd take it in a better light, I'm going to post it anyway.

 

I feel like there's something happening with B in the A, B, and C of how an event plays out. Bear with me, here. A is the activating event. It's something that happens that causes you to have a thought. B is your belief. C is the emotion that results from A+B. So somewhere in your B, there's a quick little snapshot of rejection and fear and insecurity that happens that you may not even realize that's affecting your emotions.

 

About six months ago I was miserable with my life. I was really sick, I had to miss a lot of work due to it, my boss was crawling up my ass, and despite being on FMLA, I had to get my work done somehow. It was crazy. I railed on about how unfair everything was, and how bad I felt about myself, and how they'd be better off with someone who wasn't so ****ed up, and how my boyfriend would be better off with someone less mental, etc.

 

And then, I swear to God, one night I just snapped and said to myself, "I'm going to start acting positive. I'm going to smile until it kills me. I'm going to take everything everyone says to me in the BEST POSSIBLE LIGHT. Criticisms suddenly turned into ways to become even more awesome. I became so positive that it was almost like whiplash for everyone around me. I can't control what my boss does, but I can control how I feel about it.

 

All of a sudden my boss was treating me better, people were talking to me more, I didn't feel like my boyfriend was better than me...in fact, I realized he wasn't good enough for me and broke up with him, etc.

 

You cannot change how anyone acts. I am telling you that you CAN control your thoughts, which in turn control your emotions. But it is so quick and insidious, that little negative thought, that, as as I mentioned earlier, you are probably not even realizing it. I still have to work at mine sometimes. But my life has taken a 180.

 

I don't think you need to either completely believe nor be skeptical about people when you first meet them. Be calm and happy and excited with YOURSELF, observe them for who they are, and then react appropriately.

 

When I meet someone new, my first thought is that they're probably a lovely person. But I don't go falling head over heels in love. I let them prove themselves. I take it slow. I actually fell so much in love with myself that it doesn't matter if the relationship doesn't work out anymore. I have ME, which is what ultimately makes me happy.

[ffw]

But shouldn't my instinct have been to not believe him at first?

 

This giving everyone the benefit of the doubt at the beginning thing ain't workin' for me...

 

How do you know? Like tbf said, two dates is too early to come to any conclusions.

 

Don't you think we all deserve a chance unbiased, unprejudiced.

[amaysngrace]

But shouldn't my instinct have been to not believe him at first?

 

This giving everyone the benefit of the doubt at the beginning thing ain't workin' for me...

 

Your instinct should have been "why is this guy telling me all of this baggage when I'm a perfect stranger and am suppose to be having a good time? What is WRONG with him?"

[Star Gazer]

Your instinct should have been "why is this guy telling me all of this baggage when I'm a perfect stranger and am suppose to be having a good time? What is WRONG with him?"

 

In order for me to have that instinct, I'd have to find what he shared, how, and why, to be "wrong"... but, I don't. :/

[amaysngrace]

In order for me to have that instinct, I'd have to find what he shared, how, and why, to be "wrong"... but, I don't. :/

 

Do you do that? Do you go around blabbing to total strangers your saddest most deepest feelings or do you wait until you know somebody and trust that person before you share yourself like that?

[tuxedo cat]

But shouldn't my instinct have been to not believe him at first?

 

This giving everyone the benefit of the doubt at the beginning thing ain't workin' for me...

 

Sometimes it's easiest when you strip away the context from things to get to the core. Like you wrote earlier he is a funny, goofy guy so what he said about meeting you with the bouquet at the airport felt natural to you. But if you explained it to a friend who didn't have that context they would probably think it was a bit weird.

 

I've found this helpful: just focus on the facts of what people tell you and do and try to look at them objectively. He got into all this intimate detail about his troubled past on your very first date. No matter how natural it may have seemed in the moment, the fact remains that it was unusual for somebody to be so forthcoming so early on.

[Star Gazer]

Do you do that? Do you go around blabbing to total strangers your saddest most deepest feelings or do you wait until you know somebody and trust that person before you share yourself like that?

 

What am I doing here?

 

 

I guess, as an open person myself, I don't find openness in others in any way weird.

 

If I'm more guarded, it's only because I fear judgment.

[Janesays]

In order for me to have that instinct, I'd have to find what he shared, how, and why, to be "wrong"... but, I don't. :/

 

It's not wrong, per se. He was treating you like a platonic friend and his behaviour was not indicative of romantic interest. If you did ANYTHING wrong it is failing to see this guy was friend zoning you.

 

Personally, I find it flattering when people confide in me. But I also don't jump to the conclusion that they have romantic feelings for me simply because I'm a good listener.

[Star Gazer]

...the fact remains that it was unusual for somebody to be so forthcoming so early on.

 

But that's just it... for me, that's not unusual. People open up to me very easily, very early on. It happens all the time, men and women alike. So for me, it's not unusual, it's not something that makes me go "Hmmm." I almost expect it, actually.

[Star Gazer]

It's not wrong, per se. He was treating you like a platonic friend and his behaviour was not indicative of romantic interest. If you did ANYTHING wrong it is failing to see this guy was friend zoning you.

 

Personally, I find it flattering when people confide in me. But I also don't jump to the conclusion that they have romantic feelings for me simply because I'm a good listener.

 

Now he's friend-zoning me? Give me a break, Jane. He most certainly was NOT friend-zoning me.

[Treasa]

If I'm more guarded, it's only because I fear judgment.

 

This. THIS is the core of all the problems, not this guy. He has nothing to do with it except that he's bringing it to light.

[Ruby Slippers]

My interpretation is that you were open to all that stuff because you're really missing intimacy and closeness. You got a taste, got intoxicated, and just didn't worry that it was happening too fast. I've been there. But in those cases, I knew it was a temporary, time-filling situation to soothe loneliness, etc.

[amaysngrace]

But that's just it... for me, that's not unusual. People open up to me very easily, very early on. It happens all the time, men and women alike. So for me, it's not unusual, it's not something that makes me go "Hmmm." I almost expect it, actually.

 

Well you should harden up a little and tell them to go tell your problems to Jesus.

 

You're nobody's toilet Star.

[Star Gazer]

This. THIS is the core of all the problems, not this guy. He has nothing to do with it except that he's bringing it to light.

 

I'm not following you at all.

[Treasa]

Can you please just read this book and reserve judgment about the title? It's a quick read and a cheap book.

 

Go Suck a Lemon: Strategies for Improving your Emotional Intelligence: Michael Cornwall: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

[amaysngrace]

What am I doing here?

 

 

I guess, as an open person myself, I don't find openness in others in any way weird.

 

If I'm more guarded, it's only because I fear judgment.

 

We all open up here but it's an anonymous forum. This isn't how we are IRL. At least I hope we're more reserved. I know I am.

 

LS people know me better than most of the people in my real world do, except for a few.

 

But I totally and completely trust them.

 

And if you fear judgment from someone, you are smart not to open up to them. That's your gut.

 

But you have opened up to someone before, right?

[Janesays]

Now he's friend-zoning me? Give me a break, Jane. He most certainly was NOT friend-zoning me.

 

Because the usual MO for someone that has sincere romantic interest in you is to puke up their entire life story on the first date and dump you completely before the third?

 

You're right, I wouldn't even treat a "friend" that poorly. Because I have ethics, I'd hire a trained therapist....not take advantage of some poor woman on match who is actively looking for 'the one.'

 

Jeez, where is ninjainpajamas when you need him???

[Star Gazer]

Because the usual MO for someone that has sincere romantic interest in you is to puke up their entire life story on the first date and dump you completely before the third?

 

You're right, I wouldn't even treat a "friend" that poorly. Because I have ethics, I'd hire a trained therapist....not take advantage of some poor woman on match who is actively looking for 'the one.'

 

Jeez, where is ninjainpajamas when you need him???

 

 

This is when you lose me, Jane.

[Star Gazer]

We all open up here but it's an anonymous forum. This isn't how we are IRL. At least I hope we're more reserved. I know I am.

 

LS people know me better than most of the people in my real world do, except for a few.

 

But I totally and completely trust them.

 

And if you fear judgment from someone, you are smart not to open up to them. That's your gut.

 

But you have opened up to someone before, right?

 

I'm just as open here as I am to people IRL.

 

I just come here more often than to people IRL because I don't want to bother them, whereas here, folks are here because they want to participate and engage so I don't have to worry about bugging them... and because I get a wide variety of input/opinions.

[Janesays]

 

This is when you lose me, Jane.

 

Like I said, this is why we need ninjainpajamas. Maybe if you don't see it when I say it, you'll see it when he does. The writing was on the wall. I know you don't want to believe that, but it was.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I dunno, I connect with people best when we are sharing life stories. I hate making small talk about the weather

[Star Gazer]

Like I said, this is why we need ninjainpajamas. Maybe if you don't see it when I say it, you'll see it when he does. The writing was on the wall. I know you don't want to believe that, but it was.

 

You and I have VERY different definitions of "friend-zoning."

 

Mine does NOT include sharing what one wants in a relationship and telling me that he sees those things in me, telling me he's excited about dating me, blowing up my phone with constant flirtatious comments, fishing to know what my other options are, or making out with me and being unable to keep his hands off me...amongst other things.

 

Please, drop it. Stop saying there was no spark or that he's friend-zoning me. HE WASN'T. Period, end of story on that front.

[amaysngrace]

I'm just as open here as I am to people IRL.

 

I just come here more often than to people IRL because I don't want to bother them, whereas here, folks are here because they want to participate and engage so I don't have to worry about bugging them... and because I get a wide variety of input/opinions.

 

Hmmm....so you would tell a total stranger something that hurt you so badly?

 

Not like your grand mom dying...I still mention my sister....but like more intimate stuff....like my being molested....you share deep stuff like that while making small talk with strangers?

[Star Gazer]

I dunno, I connect with people best when we are sharing life stories. I hate making small talk about the weather

 

Agreed. All the people I've bonded with, male and female alike, have started off with sincere sharing like this... not the weather, or other "light" subjects. How do you really get to know someone when you're only doing "lightweight" stuff?