dasein Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) Not rebounding from monkey boy, rebounding from the previous soldier boy, which led to monkey boy rebound, which is leading to this rebound. IME in rebounds, they aren't a chain, but a yoyo all relating back to the original relationship that ended, all the soldier boy rebounds will relate to that. How long did you date soldier boy? The rule of thumb that works for me is to take off from dating 3/4 of the months the anchor relationship lasted before dating again. Of course everyone is different and YMMV, some need more time and some more, and depends on the original relationship of course. Also, it's not a matter of feeling over it, but of regaining a foundation of clarity and objectivity. Edited March 22, 2013 by dasein Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 1. You found a guy who likes to communicate. Huzzah! 2. He might be a little insecure. It happens. 3. He doesn't want to completely waste his time in a relationship if you're not compatible. He expects you to be open with him, not to do the bait and switch thing and pretend to be something you're not just because you want to be with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Not rebounding from monkey boy, rebounding from the previous soldier boy, which led to monkey boy rebound, which is leading to this rebound. IME in rebounds, they aren't a chain, but a yoyo all relating back to the original relationship that ended, all the soldier boy rebounds will relate to that. How long did you date soldier boy? The rule of thumb that works for me is to take off from dating 3/4 of the months the anchor relationship lasted before dating again. Of course everyone is different and YMMV, some need more time and some more, and depends on the original relationship of course. Also, it's not a matter of feeling over it, but of regaining a foundation of clarity and objectivity. Well, I'm 4.5 months out from Soldier Boy, which was just under a year long, most of it while deployed. I have zilch feelings towards him too. It helps when they're major jerks at the very end, which both of them were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 1. You found a guy who likes to communicate. Huzzah! 2. He might be a little insecure. It happens. 3. He doesn't want to completely waste his time in a relationship if you're not compatible. He expects you to be open with him, not to do the bait and switch thing and pretend to be something you're not just because you want to be with him. 1 and 2, yes. 3... I hadn't thought of it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Have you ever considered that the anxiety you post about in the other thread could be partially due to rebounding, begun years ago, and not ever really processed sufficiently by taking some time off and getting comfortable with yourself alone? If not, fair enough, but I have had many female friends over the years with exactly that issue. Over time they develop something like an addiction to relationships such that they can't face aloneness, and can't face togetherness. Not saying at all that this is you, as I don't know you, but just asking you to consider it. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Next time he fishes, use it as an opening to bring the topic up directly: "are you wondering if I'm seeing other people?" If you are making out, and he's picking you up at the airport, that sounds like dating, and you already agreed that multi-dating is bad, so..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Next time he fishes, use it as an opening to bring the topic up directly: "are you wondering if I'm seeing other people?" If you are making out, and he's picking you up at the airport, that sounds like dating, and you already agreed that multi-dating is bad, so..... Well, I didn't tell him that I only date one person at a time. I told him about the last guy I dated, who told me he only dated one person at a time, and then two months later said he'd been dating other people pretty much all along. It was that that he said wasn't cool, and as for multi-dating in general, he just said, "I'm not sure that's the best approach. And when I'm in, I'm all in." Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 29 and 33, yes. He said he was comfortable with the way things were the first few years, and she was younger than him by 6 years, and seemed uninterested in a more serious commitment. Once he started feeling ready, and thinking she was ready too, he caught her cheating. You know, I don't know that he doesn't see anything wrong with him, but he's a pretty self-aware person from what I can tell. When someone's relationship ends because of cheating, I guess I allow them more latitude to not accept responsibility for it.Just be careful. The last thing you need is someone who makes you prove yourself to him for years. Different people react different ways to cheating. Some refuse to ever cheat and some, after being cheated on, become cheaters themselves. Some never learn to trust again, always holding back. After catching her cheating, he stayed with her for two years. That's concerning since they weren't married with kids, so there's no pragmatic (finances, kids, property ownership) or idealistic reason (marriage) to remain with the other person. As you're well aware, the ex-husband cheated on me. It took me some time to get over my trust issues but what was beneficial, was/is how consistent that my husband was/is, with both words and actions. Solid, trustworthy, loving and committed. Post divorce and pre-snowman, any guy blowing hot and cold triggered negative emotions within me, where an emotional wall would come down when it happened. So if you're that into this guy and want to see how this plays out, be consistent in both words and actions. He caught his ex cheating, which means that he, like myself, probably noticed a behavioural pattern break. That's how most often, cheaters are caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 So if you're that into this guy and want to see how this plays out, be consistent in both words and actions. He caught his ex cheating, which means that he, like myself, probably noticed a behavioural pattern break. That's how most often, cheaters are caught. He said that it came out of nowhere, so I don't get the sense that he noticed a behavioral pattern break. But she remained inconsistent and all over the place after he caught her. I get the sense that stayed with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Star, quick Q. have you moved to another city and that's why you are meeting so many guys that you like? Or is it just a fluke? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 Star, quick Q. have you moved to another city and that's why you are meeting so many guys that you like? Or is it just a fluke? Not so many, just 2 since December. Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Well, I didn't tell him that I only date one person at a time. I told him about the last guy I dated, who told me he only dated one person at a time, and then two months later said he'd been dating other people pretty much all along. It was that that he said wasn't cool, and as for multi-dating in general, he just said, "I'm not sure that's the best approach. And when I'm in, I'm all in." When I read this it made me realize something. The last guy you dated wasn't being honest with you about his intentions to only date you while you got to know each other. So maybe some of your anxiety/trepidation with this guy is the fact that you feel like you can no longer trust your judgment/instincts on this topic (are they multidating?) since you were lead on by the last guy. That's a reasonable response I think. It's that once bitten, twice shy thing. It's like once you really trust someone and their words and what your gut is telling you is that they are being honest and then you find out that you were wrong, the next time around you don't trust it. Even if you feel they are being honest with you and you're looking for the signs that he's only dating you, your mind then goes to the last guy when you felt the same way but you were wrong. I'm sure this will all play out soon (within the next couple of weeks) and you'll know exactly where things stand with you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 I had told him before that I want a guy who would be there for me at the airport sometimes when I come home because I travel so much and never have had a guy pick me up. His response? "When's your next flight?" This morning, he took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye, and is picking me up when I get back. That is ridiculously, sweet. How long have you known him Star? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) There are two big red flags here for me: the length of his serious relationships and the fact that he's never been married. Regardless of why it ended, it's obvious that this guy enjoys relationships, but is reluctant to actually pull the trigger and get married. Are you willing to wait 4 years for a proposal? Also, why are you even having these conversations so soon? Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but dates 1-6 are for talking about movies, music, art, hobbies, family. They are for fun activities where you figure out, through observation, is this person energetic? Creative? Competitive? Reserved? And does this compliment me? These are NOT the dates where he should be talking about how all the women in his life done him wrong and what he expects out of his future wife. Are you his date? Or his sounding board? I'd try to avoid these conversations altogether so you don't inadvertently create with him this false intimacy based on past events. Instead, I'd teasingly change the subject to something more lighthearted like favorite cuisines, sports, heck, even work! After a month of great dating, after the romance and companionship has developed, THEN get into stickier conversations about, "are we going to end up together?" And other fishing expeditions. Your posts about men, in general, go into great depth about what guys SAY to you. I say quit listening to that nonsense and pay attention to what he DOES in the weeks going forward. To me, this is your best shot at figuring out if this is just another jerk off who talks a big game....or your future husband. (Ideally in less than 4 years!) Edited March 23, 2013 by Janesays Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 it's only been two dates, but it just feels...right he's looking for: -long-term relationship leading towards marriage -foundation of friendship and trust -passion and heat of romance (only with the right person) women he's dated haven't valued him: -cheated -not made him a priority -didn't care a woman who thinks that he's absolutely the right person (when he's into someone, he's into someone) He's an open book... women are afraid of showing for fear of looking needy not the kind of guy who needs the chase good stuff that happens once you're "all in" "When's your next flight?" so comfortable and so natural that it is a little unnerving.. We met on Match jokes about all the guys he thinks I'm talking to/dating: "You and all your boyfriends" "Oh yeah, they're lined up around the block!" (to divert a direct response) I want to just tell him that I'm not dating anyone else Should I? Holy Moly. Yes Star, you should tell him. If you are afraid of messing things up something is missing. But for what I´ve read, he is treating you as a Diva who has tons of guys and he is just one of the guys. Good luck with this. I guess we´ll see what happens. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Holy Moly. Yes Star, you should tell him. If you are afraid of messing things up something is missing. But for what I´ve read, he is treating you as a Diva who has tons of guys and he is just one of the guys. Good luck with this. I guess we´ll see what happens. Yeah, I guess we'll see. I do hope I don't blow it! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Yeah, I guess we'll see. I do hope I don't blow it! There is a joke in there somewhere TBF has some good advice..eyes open kinda thing.... you'll do fine SG.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 There is a joke in there somewhere TBF has some good advice..eyes open kinda thing.... you'll do fine SG.... Haha... Yes, she did... And it's definitely given me a lot to think about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Yeah, I guess we'll see. I do hope I don't blow it! Ok, I'll avoid the obvious puns. SG, if you're yourself, you're not gonna blow it. You're going to figure out if you two are compatible. If he truly likes you for you and if you two can truly handle conflict together. I say this because my therapist really drove that point home this week. So, this post is more of a do as I say not as I do kind of thing. But it was liberating to realize that I should stop worrying about "blowing things". Ok, Art, you have my permission to joke about me blowing things! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Ok, I'll avoid the obvious puns. SG, if you're yourself, you're not gonna blow it. You're going to figure out if you two are compatible. If he truly likes you for you and if you two can truly handle conflict together. I say this because my therapist really drove that point home this week. So, this post is more of a do as I say not as I do kind of thing. But it was liberating to realize that I should stop worrying about "blowing things". Ok, Art, you have my permission to joke about me blowing things! I had a similar conversation with my therapist about the last jerkoff I dated. There, my concern was blowing it/scaring him away by wanting to talk about exclusivity (after two months). I was so afraid of speaking my truth and talking to him about what I need in a relationship for fear of scaring him off, but at the same time knew that the right guy for me, someone who I'm really compatible with, while he might not be ready at the same time I am, wouldn't be scared off and would have an open dialogue with me about my thoughts. I'm trying to apply that same lesson here, with this guy. Given our previous conversations and things he's shared with me, I just don't get the sense that I'll scare him off or freak him out. If anything, I think he'll appreciate what I have to share at least insofar that I'm wanting to share and be open and honest with him, even if he's not ready to cut off his options. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I had a similar conversation with my therapist about the last jerkoff I dated. There, my concern was blowing it/scaring him away by wanting to talk about exclusivity (after two months). I was so afraid of speaking my truth and talking to him about what I need in a relationship for fear of scaring him off, but at the same time knew that the right guy for me, someone who I'm really compatible with, while he might not be ready at the same time I am, wouldn't be scared off and would have an open dialogue with me about my thoughts. I'm trying to apply that same lesson here, with this guy. Given our previous conversations and things he's shared with me, I just don't get the sense that I'll scare him off or freak him out. If anything, I think he'll appreciate what I have to share at least insofar that I'm wanting to share and be open and honest with him, even if he's not ready to cut off his options. Here's me pulling the trick my therapist pulled on me: "I notice you used the word scary to describe yourself in a relationship. Are you scary SG?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Here's me pulling the trick my therapist pulled on me: "I notice you used the word scary to describe yourself in a relationship. Are you scary SG?" Hahaha... Nope. Good one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Hahaha... Nope. Good one. Yup. My therapist really got me good this week ! And I can't explain how relieved I feel every time I think about that conversation. It really helps me put everything in perspective. It helps me not feel anxious about guys in general - and a situation in particular. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 So yesterday morning, I casually let it drop in during a text convo where he kinda brought it up again. I said I wasn't on Match anymore because I wasn't looking to date anyone else. He didn't really address it or acknowledge it. Hmph. Annoying! That said, he'd added me and the other girl he was "lightweight" talking to as FB friends a couple weeks ago. Last night, she was gone from his FB and he'd taken his Match profile down... and still texting me the same way he always does. Me thinks all signs are pointing to good things. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 said I wasn't on Match anymore wasn't looking to date anyone else (he didn't really address it or acknowledge it) she was gone from his FB his Match profile down signs are pointing to good things Congrats Star. It seems like he is following suit. Link to post Share on other sites
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