Is he fishing, and should I directly answer him?

[Treasa]

NO, actually, it's not. The whole point of him coming was to be "that guy" - the awesome guy you're dating who takes you to and picks you up from the airport. It actually sucks arse, because he wasn't coming because he wanted to, but because he felt obligated.

 

Maybe you could stop attaching meaningful emotions to meaningless gestures. My narcissistic, abusive ex drove me to the airport, too, but it doesn't really mean jack ****, you know?

[Treasa]

So, he wouldn't have freaked if I kept my mouth shut?

 

At least I didn't cry. The whole 15 minute convo was conducted with a half-smile on my face...

 

I bet he still would have freaked, because he sounds mentally unstable. We all have the right to make choices as to how we feel in reaction to what others do. If my boss criticizes me, I laugh about it once I'm out of earshot of her, even though it used to make me cry. Her actions didn't change. My REaction did.

 

You dodged a bullet.

[Charlene78]

He hasn't even gone out on a date with this "hot bartender" friend yet. They haven't kissed, made out, hooked up.

 

I don't think that really matters in this case, because kissing, making out and hooking up generally happen after a man's pursuit or after it has been successful.

[tbf]

So, he wouldn't have freaked if I kept my mouth shut?

No idea. Better that he freaked now, than further down the line when you were really invested.

 

At least I didn't cry. The whole 15 minute convo was conducted with a half-smile on my face...

Good!

 

I'm going to make a call on this guy. Every once in awhile I've done it on LS for a number of long-term members. This guy will be back but when, I'm not sure. But I hope you don't take him back. Way too skittish. A bad gamble.

[Star Gazer]

Don't date little boys in men's bodies.

 

So what if he wants to date this other chick? If he wanted to cut off his dick and hang it from his forehead, would that be any reflection on you? The only thing it says about him is that he's ****ed up in the head. I don't know any mature adults who act like this.

 

Who act like what? Realize they're feelin' it for someone else, so they let go the person who they're not feelin' as much but who is feelin' them?

 

In reality, I have a lot of respect for how he handled the conversation. It was awkward, and it sucked, but he was honest and he didn't want to keep me waiting around for him (which I'd guess the majority of other guys would do).

 

The way he described how he's feeling, he basically said that he likes both of us a lot, thinks we're both really cool, but he already knows her better and because they run in the same circle it would be easier to pursue her. He said he doesn't want to be "that guy" who dates two girls at the same time, because it "would be funny and awkward," and that from me telling him he was the only egg in my basket, he felt like he had to make a decision, even though he also acknowledges that he didn't feel like I was pressuring him at all, it was just that it freaked him out and made him clam up. He said he wasn't ready to throw away all of his "other lightweight stuff" for me, but was willing to throw away all of his "other lightweight stuff" for her. In short, I'm #2 on his list of options... a distant #2. It's almost as though he's had a long-term crush on her, or something.

[Divasu]

NO, actually, it's not. The whole point of him coming was to be "that guy" - the awesome guy you're dating who takes you to and picks you up from the airport. It actually sucks arse, because he wasn't coming because he wanted to, but because he felt obligated.

 

Didn't mean to upset you... I just meant that he handled it graciously is all.

 

He could have been a d8ck and stood you up. Anyway, I know it probably doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, not now at least. Maybe like others said, he got spooked.

[xxoo]

He's freaked out because you admitted you aren't dating others?

 

That doesn't even make sense.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe you could stop attaching meaningful emotions to meaningless gestures. My narcissistic, abusive ex drove me to the airport, too, but it doesn't really mean jack ****, you know?

 

It's not the act of driving me to the airport that matters here, it's how it came to be.

 

Him: "What sort of little things are you looking for in a guy?"

Me: "You know, with all the travel I do, I've always secretly hoped that the guy I'm dating at the time would meet me at the airport when I come home."

Him: "When's your next flight?"

Me: [Details]

(Continuation of conversation about what we'd each like in a relationship.)

Me: "...But really, the guy who meets me at the airport. That's the first step."

Him: "I'll be there. Give me a real chance."

 

In a later discussion, he said he'd be at the bottom of the escalator, with flowers.

 

Today, he just texted me from the park-and-wait: "Text me when you have your bags."

 

And when we got in the car, his body language was different and he said he had to hurry because he had to meet a buddy for lunch, that he'd forgotten about me until the last minute.

 

Do you see now why it was at first a sweet gesture, and now it kinda sucks?

[Charlene78]

He's freaked out because you admitted you aren't dating others?

 

That doesn't even make sense.

 

In my opinion that makes a lot of sense.

 

It means that he could have thought that Star Gazer allowed access to herself from competing men. Which in turn could mean that he thought pursuing Star Gazer would be more difficult than pursuing his friend who he already knew for a long time. Effectively playing it safe and avoiding a hard and draining pursuit.

 

And not only that, if he thinks that he has to deal with competition now, then he could have thought that he might need to deal with it in a relationship with Star Gazer too.

[Treasa]

It's not the act of driving me to the airport that matters here, it's how it came to be.

 

Him: "What sort of little things are you looking for in a guy?"

Me: "You know, with all the travel I do, I've always secretly hoped that the guy I'm dating at the time would meet me at the airport when I come home."

Him: "When's your next flight?"

Me: [Details]

(Continuation of conversation about what we'd each like in a relationship.)

Me: "...But really, the guy who meets me at the airport. That's the first step."

Him: "I'll be there. Give me a real chance."

 

In a later discussion, he said he'd be at the bottom of the escalator, with flowers.

 

Today, he just texted me from the park-and-wait: "Text me when you have your bags."

 

And when we got in the car, his body language was different and he said he had to hurry because he had to meet a buddy for lunch, that he'd forgotten about me until the last minute.

 

Do you see now why it was at first a sweet gesture, and now it kinda sucks?

 

I'll answer your question when you respond to my observation that you mentioned, at least a couple of times, that YOU blew it. Why do you feel like this guy is somehow better than you?

[Star Gazer]

I bet he still would have freaked, because he sounds mentally unstable. We all have the right to make choices as to how we feel in reaction to what others do. If my boss criticizes me, I laugh about it once I'm out of earshot of her, even though it used to make me cry. Her actions didn't change. My REaction did.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

I think you're being way too harsh and over the top and I'm going to ask you to respectfully stop commenting on this situation, as it's really not helping me at all.

[Star Gazer]

I'll answer your question when you respond to my observation that you mentioned, at least a couple of times, that YOU blew it. Why do you feel like this guy is somehow better than you?

 

I never said that I do. One person can blow a perfectly good thing between equals.

 

Please stop being so aggressive with me, it's not helping.

[Star Gazer]

Didn't mean to upset you... I just meant that he handled it graciously is all.

 

He could have been a d8ck and stood you up. Anyway, I know it probably doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, not now at least. Maybe like others said, he got spooked.

 

He did, and he did.

[Charlene78]

People that are insecure and afraid of getting hurt will weigh the risks versus the benefits during dating.

 

I think that his "fishing" might very well have been significant...causing him to come to the conclusion that pursuing you (Star Gazer) was too difficult.

[Star Gazer]

He's freaked out because you admitted you aren't dating others?

 

That doesn't even make sense.

 

This is the second guy in a row this has happened with.

[tbf]

People that are insecure and afraid of getting hurt will weigh the risks versus the benefits during dating.

 

I think that his "fishing" might very well have been significant...causing him to come to the conclusion that pursuing you (Star Gazer) was too difficult.

She told him that she wasn't dating anyone else and he bailed within two days. Your conclusion makes no sense.

[Star Gazer]

People that are insecure and afraid of getting hurt will weigh the risks versus the benefits during dating.

 

I think that his "fishing" might very well have been significant...causing him to come to the conclusion that pursuing you (Star Gazer) was too difficult.

 

You keep saying this, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

 

He said several times that she was "easier," and at one point I said, "I don't think I'm difficult, certainly never been told that before." In response, he said, "You're not at all difficult to date, you're really cool... she's just easier."

 

I could tell that he sincerely is into this other girl. I think he may have had it for her for a while.

[Charlene78]

She told him that she wasn't dating anyone else and he bailed within two days. Your conclusion makes no sense.

 

She said she had kept her dating profile up and that they discussed the type of men that he thought were in line for Star Gazer.

 

He did say that he was now done with online dating.

 

There's significance in that.

[Divasu]

This is the second guy in a row this has happened with.

 

Maybe multi-dating isn't such a bad idea these days. Cause, it doesn't make sense right?

 

Girl: I'm only dating you...

Guy: Poof*#&@*(#@&

 

Girl: I'm dating you as well as others...

Guy: I'm in lurv:love:

[tbf]

She said she had kept her dating profile up and that they discussed the type of men that he thought were in line for Star Gazer.

 

He did say that he was now done with online dating.

 

There's significance in that.

I still don't understand your logic. Star told him she took down her profile before he bailed so there was no competition.

[tuxedo cat]

SG, I hope you don't take this to heart as any reflection on your behavior. When I read your original post I had an uneasy feeling about this guy and that was before you told him you weren't dating others.

 

I'm not saying this guy is a bad, malicious person but he sounds a bit indecisive and flighty. It's actually harder I've found when a guy has a lot of positive traits but still can't make a commitment because you're more likely to blame yourself if things don't work.

 

To me his offer to meet you at the bottom of the escalator with a bouquet is an orange flag after two dates. I guess I could see a context where this might feel natural, like if you met someone randomly, spent the weekend with them and fell madly in love. But somehow it seems out of pace with everything else you've described.

 

I see similarities between this guy and the last guy you started a thread about -- coming on strong very fast and then a sudden exit when the possibility for something serious presented itself.

 

Just hope you recognize the early warning signs so you can avoid more guys like this.

[Star Gazer]

No idea. Better that he freaked now, than further down the line when you were really invested.

 

Good!

 

I'm going to make a call on this guy. Every once in awhile I've done it on LS for a number of long-term members. This guy will be back but when, I'm not sure. But I hope you don't take him back. Way too skittish. A bad gamble.

 

I agree that it's better that he freaked out now, rather than later. I can tell that I would have been pretty upset if it happened later down the road.

 

As for him coming back, ... I really don't think so. There was a weird sense of finality to the whole thing.

 

What sucks is... as crazy as this sounds, at the end of our first date, after talking to him for 5 hours and having such a great time, I actually had thought, "I wonder if this is how it feels in the beginning, you know... when you 'just know.'" I'd never felt a connection like that before. Ever.

 

Man, I'm stupid.

[Charlene78]

You keep saying this, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

 

You say you feel he was fishing for things in regards to competing men. My point is that your feeling was right on the money.

 

Here's why.

 

You kept your dating profile up and you both talked about the men that could be pursuing you via Match. Then later he said he was done with online dating and that dating is friend was easier. Meaning he thought that pursuing you was more difficult than his friend, because he felt that he had to deal with competition now.

 

So Like I said, people that are insecure and afraid of getting hurt will weigh the risks versus the benefits. And that weighing process turned out in favor of his friend.

But that doesn't say anything about you in particular Star Gazer. It's how he might have weighed the risks and effort versus the benefits and a vision of a potential future relationship.

 

What I mean is that that weighing process eventually favored his friend.

 

But like I said, that doesn't say anything bad or good about you.

 

Like TBF said earlier. It's unfortunate.

[Star Gazer]

SG, I hope you don't take this to heart as any reflection on your behavior. When I read your original post I had an uneasy feeling about this guy and that was before you told him you weren't dating others.

 

I'm not saying this guy is a bad, malicious person but he sounds a bit indecisive and flighty.

 

I don't see how you got that vibe (until the most recent posts). He's been a long-term relationship guy, hardly flighty at all. He's "stuck it through" long-term relationships that died slow deaths.

 

To me his offer to meet you at the bottom of the escalator with a bouquet is an orange flag after two dates. I guess I could see a context where this might feel natural, like if you met someone randomly, spent the weekend with them and fell madly in love. But somehow it seems out of pace with everything else you've described.

 

He's a goofy, light-hearted guy. I didn't take it as a flag or rushing or anything from him, of all people. Some other guy, yes. But from him, it was just...him. I know that doesn't make sense to you, not knowing him personally. But it wasn't out of place.

 

I see similarities between this guy and the last guy you started a thread about -- coming on strong very fast and then a sudden exit when the possibility for something serious presented itself.

 

Just hope you recognize the early warning signs so you can avoid more guys like this.

 

Indeed, there are similarities, difference being, this one pulled the plug as soon as someone else was in the picture (not even really in the picture yet, as it hasn't even "taken off" yet - his words!), whereas the one before dicked me around and led me on for 2 months.

 

And trust me, I'm trying to look for the early warning signs, I really am.

[tbf]

As for him coming back, ... I really don't think so. There was a weird sense of finality to the whole thing.

Maybe, maybe not. He came to pick you up. When a guy's emotionally gone, he won't bother to not only pick you up but have to "endure" a form of break up. They're more likely to fade or text.

 

Add in that he admitted to freaking out after looking for confirmation of exclusive dating and this points to one emotionally confused guy.

 

What sucks is... as crazy as this sounds, at the end of our first date, after talking to him for 5 hours and having such a great time, I actually had thought, "I wonder if this is how it feels in the beginning, you know... when you 'just know.'" I'd never felt a connection like that before. Ever.

 

Man, I'm stupid.

((hugs)) You're not stupid. You just got attached to a guy who from the sounds of it, isn't in the right head space.