Is he fishing, and should I directly answer him?

[Star Gazer]

Emotionally aloof women do better with men, definitely something I have noticed. They trigger the hunter response in them, even when in a relationship. Unfortunately, that's a trait you are born with. Faking it is unsustainable and will only leave you feeling empty.

 

There's a guy who I've been soooooooooo effing aloof with, blown off several times, etc. He's a friend of a friend (and pre-existing FB friend), who also saw me and contacted me on Match. He's been up my butt and around the corner for 3 months now, despite me flat out telling him any number of excuses: too busy, not sure I'm interested in dating anyone, just met someone I'm excited about, too tired, going out of town, etc.

 

The more aloof I am, the harder he tries.

 

W.T.F.

[ffw]

"And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too." - K. Hosseini

 

If you keep thinking all the way in which others treated you, angered you and were untrue towards to you, your heart will be full of negative feelings (harted).

 

Learn to let it go & you will see a new light falling upon you (like ur picture).

 

Forgiveness does not change past, but it does enlarge the future (Paul Boese).

[Janesays]

Are you suggesting you can't feel a spark for two people in one week? I have, several times.

 

No, I'm suggesting that HE SAID (according to you!) that he felt a spark FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS a mere TWO HOURS after he left YOU at the airport...not to see you again until he dumped you.

 

Did he or did he not say that? Because I am reading it correctly and understand it's implications which, for some strange reason, you REFUSE to do!

 

Come on! You ate smarter than this!

[amaysngrace]

Are you suggesting you can't feel a spark for two people in one week? I have, several times.

 

He told me flat out that he felt a spark with me and was really excited about me, but then "that" just unfolded (while I was gone) and then I "freaked him out" and made him "clam up" and that effectively sealed the deal: No more Star, more bartender.

 

Um....why are you analyzing what he said? Disregard it...ALL of it.

 

Every single thing he said to you....NONE of it was true. EVER.

 

You remind me of my daughters revelation...if the good things that people say don't effect her self-esteem and help her feel good about herself, why should she let the bad things in?

 

Very profound for a 14 yo child.

[Star Gazer]

I don't think so. You didn't "force his hand". You told him you were dating him and only him. Dating. Dating. I date only one guy at a time as par for the course and I've never had a guy equate that to "pressure" and "serious commitment". There was nothing to ruin Star. And like tbf said, better he bails now, at the mere mention of "dating exclusively" then later, when feelings develop.

 

My actual choice of words was, "I hid my profile on Match because you're the only person I'm really interested in getting to know right now."

 

GETTING TO KNOW! I didn't even say DATING!

 

Remember the time when tbf kept saying : Do not fear loss? It's been a good go to for me when I struggle with dating. You lost this guy - all it means is that he wasn't yours.

 

I guess I didn't even lose him, because he wasn't mine to begin with.

 

This hasn't been my experience. I'm probably one of the most direct person out there when it comes to dating. I frequently tell the guys I like that I like them, this, usually within the first 3 dates and it's hardly ever spooked them away. In fact, it usually has the opposite effect for me. (Who doesn't like being liked?)

 

I think the difference is that I can tell them, precisely because I'm not attached to a particular outcome. To me, being into a guy isn't the same as "wanting commitment forever and ever amen". It just means I dig the guy. No more, no less.

 

I pretty much told him that today when he was here and we were talking. He said he got it, but that it still made him "clam up."

[Star Gazer]

No, I'm suggesting that HE SAID (according to you!) that he felt a spark FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS a mere TWO HOURS after he left YOU at the airport...not to see you again until he dumped you.

 

Did he or did he not say that? Because I am reading it correctly and understand it's implications which, for some strange reason, you REFUSE to do!

 

 

Oh, so now it's two hours? Seriously, where are you getting this stuff?

 

Do you see how it's hard for me to listen specifically to you, but I can listen to other people who reach the same conclusion (Kam, TBF, ES, etc.)? It's because they're actually using the facts, and not twisting them and beating me over the head with said twisted facts.

 

What are you trying to accomplish with this, exactly?

[Star Gazer]

Um....why are you analyzing what he said? Disregard it...ALL of it.

 

Every single thing he said to you....NONE of it was true. EVER.

 

You remind me of my daughters revelation...if the good things that people say don't effect her self-esteem and help her feel good about herself, why should she let the bad things in?

 

Very profound for a 14 yo child.

 

Both affect me equally, I guess!

 

Perhaps I should be glad that the only bad thing he had to say about me was that I freaked him out, while simultaneously saying he appreciated my honesty and openness. At least he didn't tell me I "wasn't as captivating as I should be"!

[amy12]

Try the truth, not everyone does OLD and is used to tons of excuses.

 

There's a guy who I've been soooooooooo effing aloof with, blown off several times, etc. He's a friend of a friend (and pre-existing FB friend), who also saw me and contacted me on Match. He's been up my butt and around the corner for 3 months now, despite me flat out telling him any number of excuses: too busy, not sure I'm interested in dating anyone, just met someone I'm excited about, too tired, going out of town, etc.

 

The more aloof I am, the harder he tries.

 

W.T.F.

[Star Gazer]

If you keep thinking all the way in which others treated you, angered you and were untrue towards to you, your heart will be full of negative feelings (harted).

 

Learn to let it go & you will see a new light falling upon you (like ur picture).

 

Forgiveness does not change past, but it does enlarge the future (Paul Boese).

 

You know what's the weirdest thing? It's like I don't know how to have a heart full of negative feelings/bitterness/hatred/etc. With each new guy, at the very beginning, he gets this completely blank slate and I have rose colored glasses on and I'm naive and foolish about him - it's like I haven't learned anything at all from any of my past relationships.

 

But then, the anxiety sneaks in and consumes me, and I assume the worst is going to happen (and it usually does).

[Janesays]

Oh, so now it's two hours? Seriously, where are you getting this stuff?

 

 

Your backpedding is getting insulting now. Where did I get two hours? FROM YOU! That is EXACTLY what YOU said. Reread the post. Number 77. Or do I need to quote you again!

 

Don't insinuate that I'm making this up out of thin air. That's deceitful and manipulative and I'm not going to fall for it.

 

Why do you listen to other people and not me? YOU DONT. Just because you 'like' a post doesn't mean you are listening.

 

The proof? This thread, your actions when it comes to justifying this guys behavior and ignoring us ALL when we advised for you to slow down, because something was not right.

 

Why do you bother asking for advice when all you REALLY seem to want is pity?

[amy12]

Did you ask him why it made him clam up? I'd really like to know what makes someone go there. I have a huge, fragile ego too but I don't just crumble, I'd fight in that situation.

 

But if I were you, I'd just take a time out, he must be feeling cornered and there's no way to feel emotion then, no point in continuing to push right now. Good luck.

 

My actual choice of words was, "I hid my profile on Match because you're the only person I'm really interested in getting to know right now."

 

GETTING TO KNOW! I didn't even say DATING!

 

 

 

I guess I didn't even lose him, because he wasn't mine to begin with.

 

 

 

I pretty much told him that today when he was here and we were talking. He said he got it, but that it still made him "clam up."

[Star Gazer]

Your backpedding is getting insulting now. Where did I get two hours? FROM YOU! That is EXACTLY what YOU said. Reread the post. Number 77. Or do I need to quote you again!

 

You need to re-read your source. I did not say two hours. I said "literally hours" - as in, hours, not days. He dropped me off at 9 a.m. and by that night's party he was "feeling the spark."

[Star Gazer]

Did you ask him why it made him clam up? I'd really like to know what makes someone go there. I have a huge, fragile ego too but I don't just crumble, I'd fight in that situation.

 

Not really. He said "it made him go [insert weird noise that's not a word that sounds like you're scared or wobbling and pull your chin back so you have a triple double chin] and clam up." I told him that I was only telling him what I thought he wanted to know, and he agreed that he did want to know. I didn't understand why what I said made him uneasy, given everything he'd said up until today about wanting to be open and honest, wanting the real deal, etc., especially since there was no pressure that he follow suit. He kept repeating, "I don't know. I don't know. This situation sucks."

[ffw]

You know what's the weirdest thing? It's like I don't know how to have a heart full of negative feelings/bitterness/hatred/etc. With each new guy, at the very beginning, he gets this completely blank slate and I have rose colored glasses on and I'm naive and foolish about him - it's like I haven't learned anything at all from any of my past relationships.

 

But then, the anxiety sneaks in and consumes me, and I assume the worst is going to happen (and it usually does).

 

It's not weird at all. It's one of your strong attributes to have a clean and pure heart irrespective of the outside circumstances/influence around you.

 

I am not the best person to give an opinion what to look for. For that matter, no one here can. Only you know the best. What I can say is with time and a understanding person beside you, your anxiety will fade away. You both will reach mutual respect & understanding.

[Janesays]

You need to re-read your source. I did not say two hours. I said "literally hours" - as in, hours, not days. He dropped me off at 9 a.m. and by that night's party he was "feeling the spark."

 

For the first time in years?

 

Don't you accuse me of twisting anything. I am reading the facts as YOU present them. Don't try to insinuate that I'm making things up because what YOU said no longer fits your current agenda. That is a BS way to treat someone who is trying to DEFEND you when it comes to the shoddy way in which you were treated!

 

Here's a question for you and I think you need to step back and really ponder it for a minute:

 

Why are you trying so hard to convince us that he's a great guy and YOU screwed up?

[amaysngrace]

Both affect me equally, I guess!

 

Perhaps I should be glad that the only bad thing he had to say about me was that I freaked him out, while simultaneously saying he appreciated my honesty and openness. At least he didn't tell me I "wasn't as captivating as I should be"!

 

It doesn't matter what he said though, positive or negative because he is a prick.

 

Seriously honey, you dodged a bullet and really don't have to waste any more of your time on him. It's your choice if you keep on doing it though.

 

And if he ever does contact you in the future please just ignore him. He'll never be good enough for you. Ever.

[Star Gazer]

Well then there you go. He wants what's easy.

 

You're complex. As most are when they are well developed and full of depth of character.

 

I would take that as a major compliment and thank goodness you aren't classified as "easy". I would have told him "thank you".

 

Ha. Thanks.

 

He used the word "easy" so many times that I also started thinking about the other definition of "easy" when used to describe women... And I thought, "Mmmmyeeeaaahhhh, I'm not easy."

[Star Gazer]

Here's a question for you and I think you need to step back and really ponder it for a minute:

 

Why are you trying so hard to convince us that he's a great guy and YOU screwed up?

 

Because I think I did. Obviously.

[Star Gazer]

It doesn't matter what he said though, positive or negative because he is a prick.

 

Seriously honey, you dodged a bullet and really don't have to waste any more of your time on him. It's your choice if you keep on doing it though.

 

And if he ever does contact you in the future please just ignore him. He'll never be good enough for you. Ever.

 

I really, honest to G-d don't think he will.

 

In a strange turn of events though, guess who started blowing up my phone literally minutes after I sent this guy my "you're the only person I'm interested in getting to know" text?

 

Soldier Boy.

 

"I'm so sorry..." over and over and over again. Out of nowhere. Bizarre. Now, that one I could have called.

 

But this one? Nah, he won't. And I don't know why, but that makes me sad.

[amaysngrace]

I really, honest to G-d don't think he will.

 

In a strange turn of events though, guess who started blowing up my phone literally minutes after I sent this guy my "you're the only person I'm interested in getting to know" text?

 

Soldier Boy.

 

"I'm so sorry..." over and over and over again. Out of nowhere. Bizarre. Now, that one I could have called.

 

But this one? Nah, he won't. And I don't know why, but that makes me sad.

 

I don't know why that it makes you sad either. Maybe because he did the one thing for you that you really wanted? A ride?

 

And that somehow raised his importance in your mind? And made him seem more than what he was?

 

Which is a slug?

[Janesays]

Because I think I did. Obviously.

 

Oh honey.

 

Believe me, I KNOW it is easier to think bad about yourself when you just don't feel like something is working out for you....especially in an area where it seems like everyone else is getting it right. But this time, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Want some proof? After reading my blunt posting style do you really believe someone like me would coddle you if you DID screw it up? Heck no, I'd ream your a$$ that way too!

 

Let's trace these feelings back to the source. Is there someone in your life, maybe an authority figure, who was/is especially critical of you?

[Kamille]

Because I think I did. Obviously.

 

I don't think there was anything to screw up, so I don't think you screwed up.

 

That being said, I understand why you might feel this way. If, somehow, you're the one who screwed up, it means you can fix it in the future.

 

But the bottom line is, if we take this guy at his word (which, hmmm, well, given his track recored we probably shouldn't): he scares off easily and/or has abruptly developed stronger feelings for someone "easier".

 

I fail to see how either of those are within your control/ yours to fix.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know why that it makes you sad either. Maybe because he did the one thing for you that you really wanted? A ride?

 

And that somehow raised his importance in your mind? And made him seem more than what he was?

 

Which is a slug?

 

Nah, that's not it. I know what it was though.

 

At our first date 5-hour dinner, he talked about his family background and losses/abandonment he's experienced (mom left when he was 5 and didn't want him, his dad has been married 3 times and has never told him he loved him but he knows he does, the guy who took him under his wing and was a father figure died when he was a teen, and his mother's brother who was the next closest man in his life is currently on his death bed), and how that's made him long for/crave a deep, life-long love with a best friend who accepts him as is and loves him to his core, and to build a stable, solid family - basically, he wants what he never had growing up: the proverbial white picket fence, with nuclear, life-long family.

 

I can't tell you how much I related to what he was saying, I felt it deep down inside in my belly... there was actually a warming sensation in my entire abdomen. The things/emotions he was willing and able to share with me during that dinner made me feel really connected to him, like I understood him, and he'd understand me. So much so, that it kinda rattled me. I just kept staring at him, and he was like, "What?" and all I could really get out was, "I get it. I just, totally get it."

[Star Gazer]

Let's trace these feelings back to the source. Is there someone in your life, maybe an authority figure, who was/is especially critical of you?

 

Nope. If anything, I had the absence of criticism and praise. I was just...me.

[Janesays]

Nope. If anything, I had the absence of criticism and praise. I was just...me.

 

Were you ignored completely or were people just utterly noncommittal about your accomplishments and failures?

 

I mean, if you ran home and said, "Mommy! Daddy! I just got an A on my English test!" What did they say?