Soldier in Iraq whose wife has been cheating on me

[comehere]

I've been in Iraq for about six months now. I found out a few months ago that my wife was cheating one me, and I confronted her about it on the phone. This ws during the same conversation she started by telling me about a lesbian encounter she had with a former coworker, and her husband, and my wife's guy "friend".

I had left home in early January, and remained stateside until late February. Our first and only child was born December 30 of last year.

 

My wife told me that she was messing around by St. Valentine's day. She had a few more sex partners, boyfriends, whatever, and danced nude for a few bosses. She said she was gonna stop and try to be a good wife. In the past two months, she's been running around with friends and has a new guy that she says shes interested in one breath, then says they're just good friends in the next. she mentions taking pregnany tests. She's sent nude pics of herself, taken at her new friends apartment, to the girl she had sex with, with comments that she can't wait to go see her when she gets back from Texas in december. I called my wife the night before she left for Texas to wish her good luck, and her new boy "friend" was there. She even mentioned that he loves our daughter, whom I've only seen four days out of her eight months of being in my world. That right there deserves his ass being beat. Anyway,

 

My wife says she doesn't know if she wants to get back together, then says she wants to try and make it work. I feel she's just trying to get me to end the marriage so she can still make it seem to her friends that she's Miss Right and I'm just a bad person. i don't know how sincere she is or if she's just playing some game. I would like to have my marriage and be the father to my daughter the way I've imagined I would. I'm just so hurt, so tired of it all, and so stressed. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this stuff while I'm over here.

 

Any help offered is accepted.

 

A lonely medic in the desert

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

First of all thank you for serving this country. My friend I would suggest when you return you get yourself a good lawyer and see about your rights and move on. Your wife is a serial cheater who seems proud that she is screwing other men and women when you are away. I am sure it will be a matter of time until she contacts an STD. Why would you wish to stay with someone who humiliates and disrespects you and your marriage in such a way. Why would you wish to be a doormat to a wife who enjoys screwing other people behind your back and seems almost proud of it. You made a horrible choice in marrying this woman and you would be making another horrible mistake by staying with her. How could you possibly be proud to be married to such a woman. Please see a lawyer and try to protect your child. Your wife is poison to you. I wish you luck.

[Moose]

First, let me just thank you for protecting me and my family!! And thank you for helping the iraqi people gain their freedom.

 

I'm afraid that the situation you're in isn't going to get any better. First of all, if you do decide to stay with your wife, how will you ever trust her again? You will always have your doubt if she's being faithful or not. Your daughter is the most important thing you should be worried about now. She's watching mommy act a fool and being with other guys besides her father.

 

I don't like divorce and I try to convince people to stay away from it. Totally against it, UNLESS, one of the people is being unfaithful. It's clear to me that your wife is out having the time of her life at your expense and your daughter is there watching it. I could never trust my wife again if I knew she was out doing these things. There are some things, like being unfaithful once and that was it that I could probably forgive her for. But with multiple people and another woman? I just couldn't forgive her. I'm sorry, and I hope you don't get angry with me but:

 

Document everything you can while you're over seas. Get as much prove as you can from your family and friends. You need to build your case against your wife. Because when you get back, you need to kick the bitch out and tell her your daughter stays. Then file for divorce and sould custody of your daughter. She didn't think of you and what you're doing over there. She's more worried about her needs and desires. That's just as selfish as one can get. I don't mean to call your wife names, but she's acting like a slut, she should be treated as such.

 

Some things are forgiviable like I said. But what she's doing to you, you don't deserve. And she doesn't deserve you or your daughter. If she thought you two were important to her, she wouldn't of jeapordized losing you.

 

Sorry to be so blunt. But if I knew where your wife was at, I'd walk up to her and smack her across the face for you.

 

Thanks again for all you're doing over there.

 

Moose

[sami]

I can feel and tell the hell you are going through amid all of your hardships away from home, family and friends. You do not need to spend a minute thinking about her. If she is looking for a divorce just go ahead and give it to her. You shouldn't worry much about what her friends would think about you. You will enjoy your daughter with or without her anyway. Good luck.

[She's Come Undone]

I would start "collecting" information. Get her to email you some of these things and print and save them. If possible, record your phone conversations. You will have a better chance at getting your daughter if you can prove your wife is a whore.

 

I'm sorry, I know that was harsh, and mean to say, but her actions speak volumes. Please do not think about saving this marriage. How could you ever look at her without seeing images of her deceits? You deserve better, you are better, and one day you will find better.

 

As a matter of fact, I'm single, AND I love a man in uniform!

 

 

If you are really, really intent on remaining her husband she will need years of therapy!

[born2day]

I have to agree with Moose, except for the smacking part, lol. Take your child and live your life. It sounds as though your wifes problems may be more than just infidelity. This pattern may suggest there are other things going on like substance abuse. This is only my opinion, but I have seen it before. Best of luck to you and thank you for your service to our country. You deserve better.

[Breathe]

I feel your pain as I have walked in your shoes. My X repeatedly cheated and even has another child now. I thought I could stay and make things work but the trust was gone. I found myself consumed with trying to find out what was the truth and what was a lie and constantly checking up. Geez, I wasted a lot of time being happy.

 

Your hurting, that's excepted when someone you love treats you in this manner. There really are no words to help you through this. You need to be strong for yourself and your daughter. Protect her from this woman if you can. Get your friends and family involved to help you while your gone. Contact legal and see what they can do - also I would recommend changing your Power of Attorney immediately as well as your direct deposit so she can't drag you in the mud financially. Give her some money for the baby, but protect yourself. IMHO - you should let her go. It's hard, but even if you believe she will try to change, it will be hard to trust her.

 

Best wishes.

[sami]

We need to be fair in our advices to people in need. We cannot just go ahead and suggest ourselves as better alternatives while there is still a chance for parties to accept each other if circumstances change to the better. We may suggest divorce but that may not be a workable solution for one or both parties. There are many other factors behind their bitterness that we do not exactly know. The girl may be going through those problems because of him being away from her. I'll advise divorce only when I know for sure she is the one who is asking for it. Who knows??!! may be if we were in her situation we may be doing the same things she is doing now. Those who are sending our troops away from their families must make sure that their spouses were mentally and psychologically prepared for the seperation. Professional help, among other things, is the least that those families are entitled to.

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by She's Come Undone

As a matter of fact, I'm single, AND I love a man in uniform!

/QUOTE]

 

 

AND she's a hottie too.

[Moose]

Originally posted by sami

We need to be fair in our advices to people in need. We cannot just go ahead and suggest ourselves as better alternatives while there is still a chance for parties to accept each other if circumstances change to the better. We may suggest divorce but that may not be a workable solution for one or both parties. There are many other factors behind their bitterness that we do not exactly know. The girl may be going through those problems because of him being away from her. I'll advise divorce only when I know for sure she is the one who is asking for it. Who knows??!! may be if we were in her situation we may be doing the same things she is doing now. Those who are sending our troops away from their families must make sure that their spouses were mentally and psychologically prepared for the seperation. Professional help, among other things, is the least that those families are entitled to.

 

Sami, normally I would agree with you, but my first reaction when I read this post from you was, BULLs***!!!! This woman has no excuse for what she's doing right now. No excuse AT ALL!!!

[JumpRun]

Thank you for your sacrifice and service to this Nation. My thoughts are with you and your little one. This is just my opinion, based on obversations and experiences, I would not try to make another go of it............based upon her behavior in its entirety......not just one indescresion. I was at Fort Bragg at the time the 82nd was deploying to Desert Shield prior to changing to Desert Storm.......that night, the NCO club was full of wives whose husbands were deployed that day...........it broke my heart. For what it's worth, stay strong - you need to be that way more than ever now and remember YOU deserve better and will have it one day.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by comehere

and danced nude for a few bosses.

 

Huh!!!! What does this mean???

 

I agree with Moose. This gal is obviously not being a wife at all, and is not being a good mother. I also believe in doing everything you can to keep a marriage together, especially when there are children, but your wife's behavior is over the top. Abuse and adultery are 2 things that end a marriage in my mind. Sometimes they can be overcome, but when it gets as bad as this situation is, it's time to cut your losses.

 

The important thing now is to make sure your daughter is being taken care of.

[sami]

Thank you my friend for the comment. I have been very much enjoying your posts anyway. I'm trying to find out the real causes behind this big mess. Hope we'll be patient with each other and not rush to conclusions. I'm really lost here.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to hear all that you are going through. Must be very hard on you dealing with this from afar. She sounds very immature, should not have gotten married yet, let alone have a kid. This wasn't what you were expecting at all, you don't deserve what she's done to you and should be ashamed of herself.

 

Who looks after your child while she's out doing men/women? Get your family and friends involved as much as possible to keep an eye on things.

 

Stay safe and thanks for the job you're doing. You are really brave.

[Craig]

First of all thank you for your service to this country! I think you still can be the father to your daughter that you imagined though I doubt that it would be good for your daughter if you stayed married to your wife.

 

I agree with most of the posts above and would supplement what has been said with one thing.

 

You must collect evidence of your wife's behavior, strong evidence. Please consider getting a private investigator to follow, photograph, video and document your wife's behaviors. When you go for the divorce and seek sole custody the better the evidence that you have the stronger your case will be. Evidence collected by a third party professional like a private investigator will carry a lot of weight in family court.

 

Welcome to the LS! There are a whole lot of people here that do care and are always here to offer their support to you.

[comehere]

My wife and i have been mrried for almost for years. Her mother died when she was six, but she had been living with her dad and paternal grandmother since she was two. her paternal grandmother took legal custody and raised her. Her Mom was abusive, and her dad pretty much absent from her life. Her Dad cheated on every wife and girlfreind that my wife knew about. She spent years in counseling, but her grandmother told me that the therapist thought she lied her way through everything. she didn't have a happy or stable childhood. i don't know if there are any horrors in her past she hasn't told me about, but its not important to speculate. They wayshe was spending money and not keeping up with bills, and hanging out with an ex-con druggie x-boyfriend made me wonder if she was doing drugs.

 

My wife decided to join the Air Force Reserve to mature, gain job training, and gain self-esteem. I can't knock her on the self-esteem part. That's why I joined Army Reserve way back when. Her Mom (paternal G-Mom) is caring after our daughter while we are both away. That household is the only one my daughter has ever known.

 

After we "discussed" her adultry and continued hanging out with past boyfriends, I opened a private checking account and had my military pay go there. I did that becaue I was looking online and saw that I was paying for her to take her deadbeat boyfriends out. I transfer $400 a month for baby expenses and other living expenses. She complains, but its enough for our and daughter and her, but not enough for her to party with.

 

It was against my better judgement to get married in the first place, but I took a gamble. Gamble didn't pay off. She was 18 and I was 29. i should have known better. When I was 25, I told myself girls below 21 were too immature. Oh well. Intellect is often overcome by the heart.

 

She keeps putting off divorce. Its like she wants me to make the decision. She says she doesn't want anything but our daughter. She pretty much just want to leave me with the debt, including the $8K we owe on a car that she trashed houling an old BF around. She didn't keep up with the insurance.

 

"danced nude for a fewbosses"--- she danced topless for her managers at a retail store she worked

 

Thanks for advice. still reading the new ones

 

Mike

 

BTW- "She's Come Undone

As a matter of fact, I'm single, AND I love a man in uniform! " - i can use a friend to talk to.

[jmargel]

Get your own lawyer and then follow his advice. She is too messed up for you to fix. She's going to have to self-destruct before she gets any better. The only way she can help herself is to goto counseling.

 

You deserve so much better. There are truly wonderful women out there who would appreciate a good man. Keep your head up and start doing things to make yourself happy. Don't be co-dependent on her.

[Grinning Maniac]

Personally, I was never for the war, but thank you for being brave enough to serve.

 

I think women cheating on guys in the military is the most ****ed up thing imaginable. Why in the hell would anyone do that? The guy you supposedly "love" is over in some s-hole of a country and has a good chance of dying...and you decide to cheat on him??? That's some big motivation for him to keep fighting isn't it?! Geez... I hear about this kind of crap too much. Women who do that should be put on trial for treason... Is it really too much to ask to at least keep your panties on until the ****er's back within the US or dead, before you go being a whoore? Really?! Too much trouble?

 

[She's Come Undone]

You really seem to have your head on straight with your decision to open a separate checking account, and still being responsible enough to send money.

 

I think there are so many factors, red flags, in this relationship it will be a challenge to hold it together, and by "a challenge" I mean near-impossible.

 

 

I think before you make any decisions about divorce you need to wait until you come home. You can then sit down face to face and make the important decisions.

[Moose]

I truly understand that she's had a rough upbringing. This is what is holding you back from your true hapiness. You feel somewhat sorry for the life she's had. You definitley don't want to harm her anymore and fighting for custody of your daughter is going to inflict some harm.

 

BUT!!!! Let me ease your mind soldier!!!

 

There are a lot of people on this forum even that grew up in abusive families. Dad's that sexually assaulted their kids, moms who stay drunk and passed out on the couch, step fathers and mothers beating on us. The worst home situations you can imagine.

 

YET, we are still capable of raising our own children without laying a hand on them. Capable of loving our spouses unconditionally. Capable of staying faithful and turning down temptations. What happened to me in the past is in the past. There is no way shape or form that I will use what happened to me in the past as an excuse for my foul actions. And to me, anyone else who does is a sorry sack of siberian sheep shinola!!!!

 

Let her go, get your daughter and give her the life she so deserves!!

[TMCM]

Comehere

 

I'm sorry that you have become a member of the club that nobody should belong to.

 

I have been where you are. My ex-W [first W] and I have 11 years difference in our ages as well and got married shortly after she turned 18. She also had a tragic childhood and had many bad traits that I discounted because I loved her so much. We had 2 girls [now 13 and 16] and a few years later she started having affairs. I was both mother and father for many years because she was living the life of one of the women in Sex and The City. I begged her countless times to please go to counseling with me but she just said no, until one day I no longer cared what she did and filed for divorce. I had so much dirt on her that I was able to convince the court to grant me physical custody of our daughters. After our divorce, her self destructive lifestyle made her crash and burn and had to be admitted into a mental hospital due to a failed suicide attempt. In her own words, she had to hit rock bottom before she was able to finally admit that she was a very sick person in need of therapy. Today she is a totally different person than the one I was married to and has rebuilt her life into a happy and healthy one. I am very happy for her and our daughters even though it is already too late for us since I've moved on and remarried.

 

My point in telling you my story is to help you see that multiple affair spouses have issues that are beyond marriage counseling that can only be addressed and resolved with their total willingness to seek out professional help. In order to have a happy and healthy marriage BOTH spouses have to be healthy, and that is certainly not the case with your W at this moment in time.

[comehere]

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few months. It goes without saying that the most important consideration in the marriage/divorce is my daughter. I know that if i go for sole custody, my wife will fight. If she doesn't fight and gives up, she will be depressed and remove herself from our daughters life. My wife has bipolar manic depression, which she won't take medication for.

 

I've been waiting patiently for months because i know there is not much that i can do over here. Its get frustrating. It ruins my sleep. I have to get up for patrol in four hours. Tomorrow will suck. I just feel empty.

 

Its hard for me to see some things as clearly as others. I know the best resolution will happen the next time we are face to face. I don't know if I can stand to look at her, honestly. Sex is out of the qustion. I never thought i would ever feel this way but thinking of sex with my wife disgusts me. Maybe its just a defense mechanism.

 

I know that if I got custody of my daughter, it would be a big change on my part. it would be a challenge to be a single dad. I'm willing though. But I fear that if i lose the custody battle, my wife will move to the west coast where she has family.

 

i don't know what evidence I could get to use in family court. When she gets back from TX, it won't be much longer until i get home. Still just kind of dazed and confused.

 

Its great finding people who understand and offer help.

 

Mike

 

(still looking for friends to talk to)

[whichwayisup]

Just a question because I'm curious. If you hadn't married someone else, and you and your present ex wife had crossed paths again would you two get back together??

 

Mike, She needs CBT therapy. Cognitive behaviour therapy. This as well as being on meds will help her cope with this illness. This in itself will give you the nod when it comes to custody, it's a low blow but if she is mentally unstable then you are the choice for parenting your daughter. She can fight all she wants, until she changes which it doesn't sound like she is going to.

Don't even allow your mind to go the sex thing. It's just going to hurt you and make you feel worse. I think you are right, it's a defense mechanism that has kicked.

 

If you want to PM me, feel free to and I will help you as much I can. I don't know if you're able to receive/send PM's there's an option in your profile to change it.

 

Take care.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Just a question because I'm curious. If you hadn't married someone else, and you and your present ex wife had crossed paths again would you two get back together??

 

I really don't know because it would depend on many things to be present like radical honesty[no lies or secrets], accountability [willingly becoming an open book], respect, etc to name a few in order for me to start opening up my heart back to her. She would have to prove these things to me with her actions and not with her beautiful but empty words.

[whichwayisup]

Ok thanks for answering...I'm glad she's doing better now, anyone who suffers and has made mistakes, then works on themselves to get better is a pretty strong person.