Are girl "friends" OK?

[Ladyjane14]

I have posted to a couple of threads offering advice since I started reading this board, and just posted to SecretAngel about how great I thought it was that she could put herself out there and even take some heat while working though an issue.

 

So now I'm going to put my issue out there and ask you all what you think. (gulp!)

 

In previous posts, I have described how I caught my husband in some rather nefarious internet affairs. He was creating emotional bonds with several women while looking for potential sexual partners.

 

We've gone a long way toward healing our relationship. We've found love and passion for each other that we thought was long gone. We've found understanding and a whole new level lof commitment.

 

Here's the problem though: While he has given up the romantic relationships, he is still communicating daily with his internet friends. Many of these are women.

 

I'm very torn here. On the one hand I see so many positives for him. He's learned to really appreciate women in a way that he never had before. He's learned to be supportive. He's getting alot of really ego-boosting attention, which he really needs at this point in his life. And I reap the benefits of all of these internal changes.

 

On the other hand, I'm bitten on the butt by the jealousy bug almost daily. So I'm spending alot of effort squelching some pretty shrewish instincts!

 

How can I let go of my jealousy without creating emotional distance?

[uriel]

Normally I would say it's fine for a married man to have female friends, as long as they're just friends. However, in this case, your husband has cheated on you with female internet friends, which makes his seeking out and maintaining such friendships risky. I think he should give you full access to his emails and internet conversations so you can look at them if you want to -- no deleting temporary files, no erasing history or sent or received messages -- everything has to be above board.

 

If any of these women are women that he actually crossed a line with, by which I mean even inapprorpiately flirtatious conversation, he should cut off ties with them immediately. No contact all the way on any such blasts from the past. That's a boundary violation.

 

-- uriel

[Tracy]

My H and I have been trying to reconcile....been divorced for almost three years. He began chatting online with other women while playing dominoes, earlier this year. Immediately I told him to be careful because that kind of stuff can get out of hand easily (it was the first time he really played around online). He kept on, and I told him that it bothered me...that even though I may not have a legitimate reason to be jealous, that it bothered me. Perhaps it was because we are divorced and trying to reconcile, I dunno.

 

Months later, he was still chatting/flirting. Then, I noticed he was getting direct emails. Then IMing. I asked him to quit comminicating directly with other women, and he said ok. I found out that he was still doing it. I created a fake yahoo address and joined domino chat room. Immediately, he invited me to a game. (I know this is probably WAY wrong in rule book, but I wanted to know if I was overreacting). I did not lead him on or flirt. He started in right away, and ended up saying terrible things about me without even being prompted! He was asking to see her picture and other inappropriate stuff.

 

I think that men/women shouldn't "chat" with member of opposite sex online....unless it's in a public forum type atmosphere, or during a game, etc. And, only as long as it stays on the level. It's just too easy to start the flirting thing, then on from there. This may not be true for everyone, but especially in a RS like mine where trust is already fragile. And, if you have told him it bothers you, he shouldn't do it simply out of respect for your feelings.

 

I don't think you have to let go of your jealousy, even though you need to keep it in check. I think you have every right to let him know how you feel (in a non-threating manner).

[Haytz]

Hi. I have to agree. I think that if your husband is truly in his heart working on your relationship than for his sake and yours he has to break the ties to the internet friends. The way I see it an alcoholic would not continue to hang out in the bars after quitting drinking and put himself in the temptation to fall so why would your husband put himself on the line of temptation daily by talking with these women. Since there has been emotional ties with some of them than he needs to cut ties with them completely and focus on what is real and important ... you. If someone loves you and say they love you than there would be no question in his mind whether he should stop doing this. I am speaking from experience it is not easy to cut ties to an emotional relationship online. Not one bit easy I have been in this situation but the minute you decide that your wife, or girlfriend, is what you want to have than you MUST stop because the addiction will continually be there. I am really into self esteem right now and loving yourself etc.. and #1 you should be aprehended for even still being in this relationship right now and working on your love and commitment I give you alot of credit I dont know if I could say the same, but you are not the one who made the mistake so you are in charge here. Do not settle for less than what you want or what will make you feel secure, and happy. If this behaviour is making you feel insecure, and unhappy, worried, stressed etc than he has to stop and if he sincerly knows how this is affecting you than it will not be a hard choice to make, May be hard at times keeping it but he will have no second thoughts on doing it because he loves you right and no one would deliberatly hurt someone they love. I feel for him because once you have these ties it is HARD to break them but his love for you will get him through it and please as much as you love him, dont settle for letting this continue you deserve his undivided attention and affection. I hope I didn't offend you or him but saying these things but you cannot have a fulfilling relationship filled with trust, love, commitment and still have the past a part of the present or future. Take care.

[evagreten1]

If he hides it from you, he is obviously doing something wrong and something he would feel uncomfortable about if you were right there while he was doing it. I chat with people sometimes over the net through interest groups, and I mention it to him always 'oh, i chatted to a so and so today...'

 

Obviously if he hides it, and he deliberately looks for girls to chat to, something is a bit wrong there. Nothing wrong with female friends, but only if he treats them the same as male friends and lets you share them with him and talks about them openly.

 

People who don't have anything to hide, don't hide anything.