It's night time, and I am feeling sad xxx

[Sparkly24]

Hi everyone. It is 2 am (from England with love) and even though I am so tired, I can't sleep. I just spent the last hour crying in the dark into my pillows and realized I had to just reach out to anyone out there who might understand how I am feeling.

 

I made a few posts at Christmas. I told MM I didnt want to do it anymore and he reacted as if he couldn't care less. His dismissive reaction came as a shock to me and was really painful.

 

A few months after being completely on my own (living along, not getting involved with guys, being single, being away from my family) I started feeling a bit better and a bit stronger. Then I noticed a few missed calls on my mobile from MM while I was at work. Then a few texts came through, which I ignored. Eventually he texted me when I was in just the right mood (funnily enough, not when I was feeling sad and lonely, but when I was feeling happy and strong and confident - all of a sudden it felt OK to talk to him again) and I responded. I can feel eyes rolling at this!! Everything swung back into the EA again - (all this time I have never slept with him) and it just grew and grew even stronger than it did before.

 

It still amazes me how much someone can click with me. I am just in awe of his sense of humor, his cheeky attitude, his jokes, his ideas and how much the thought of him instantly gets me turned on I have never felt so charged up as when he is in my life. Its like my special secret. I hate to say it but I have never met anyone like him, and am pretty sure I never will do again.

 

I have come back round in a loop really. I cant really ignore that little voice in my head that tells me I am a complete idiot anymore, even though I wanted to. He is a liar. He is a cheat. He is using you. He does not really care about you, or he would either leave his W to be with you, or he will let you go. He keeps you at a distance. He has a very happy life really without you in it. You sit there whining for him, and he is off with his family, with his friends, with his work colleagues, with his W, and he does not think about you. You just spent a freaking hour crying by yourself in the dark, and he is all tucked up in bed, sound asleep.

 

Yesterday I sent him this text message: you know exactly how I feel about you, but you just push me away all the time. you hardly speak to me at all compared to how much we used to talk, all the time. do you ever think that maybe sometimes I might need to talk to you? you are keeping me in the dark and I don't deserve it. there are plenty of decent guys out there who would want to be with me, and make me happy.

 

And the bastard has not even bothered to reply. I feel so angry at him. I feel livid. I want to call him right now and yell at him down the phone. But I cant. I want to throw things at him, but obviously I cant. I cant believe he had the cheek to chase me after I did so well to get him out of my system, and then do the same thing to me all over again.

 

I wish he would just turn up at my door and tell me he loves me. I wish he would call me and tell me he was leaving his W and he wanted me completely. I wish he would turn up outside my work at lunch, I wish he would send me a present through the post, I wish he would just write me an email to tell me how he felt. But everything is closed, shut off, and actually the reality is that I have spent all this time with my head in the clouds, thinking about someone who is not really there. I have filled my thoughts with this amazing guy but actually its always been just that, me on my own, with a little picture in my head of how I want my life to be.

 

I know that I will forget about him and that one day I wont even think about him. I know that, despite all of this crap, I still believe my soul mate is out there somewhere and the time has not been right for me to meet him yet (which I am proud of actually, despite everything I still have that faith) (I wish he would bloody hurry up sometimes!) I remember feeling so obsessed about guys in college and uni, and feeling so heart broken when they rejected me, and now I don't give a damn about them anymore now time has moved on. That will be the same for this guy too. I know this is for the best, but right now to be completely honest I am hurting so much and i am dreading a repeat of what i went through at the beginning of January. xxx

[ThatJustHappened]

At least now you know for sure that this is wrong. It sucks that you have to hurt all over again, but at least you have answers now.

 

Back to NC. I hope things get better for you soon and that you meet a nice single guy.

[Sarabi]

I'm in the United Queendom too Sparkly and also having trouble sleeping, feeling sad and feeling like crying(for other reasons really, not exMM)

I know exactly what you mean about stopping it and then when you reconnect it seems to intensify.

As for yours, you don't know that he's tucked up and not having trouble sleeping. She might have kicked him out of the bedroom.

You don't know that he's comfortable. You don't know that he doesn't think about you...

...but you should know that you try not to waste a second giving him any more airtime in your head.

And there is no harm in crying.

Good luck with NC...keep at it even though it hurts and its so hard.

I didn't believe some of the things the other LoveShackers tell me about NC/breaking it off but trust me, the majority of them speak the truth

[Sarabi]

Oh and one thing he tried to teach me was to be positive and imagine yourself with whatever you want in life.

So start trying to picture yourself in happier times in the future and even picture your future fabulous single guy

[whichwayisup]

Yesterday I sent him this text message: you know exactly how I feel about you, but you just push me away all the time. you hardly speak to me at all compared to how much we used to talk, all the time. do you ever think that maybe sometimes I might need to talk to you? you are keeping me in the dark and I don't deserve it. there are plenty of decent guys out there who would want to be with me, and make me happy.

 

I'm sure on some level he is wondering why you are staying and putting up with his shi.tty treatment of you.. ? He knows he can treat you anyway he'd like and you'll still talk to him and be around.

 

I hope now you see your self worth IS worth SO MUCH MORE than what he is giving you. And, what he IS giving you, isn't much but you're so addicted to how he makes you feel, that energy and intensity of it all - it feeds your ego and your heart, and in the midst of it all, you're lowering your standards, allowing him to treat you so badly.

 

Get rid of the hope. He IS NOT going to come to your door and confess his love. He may care about you, like you a lot but what is it all based on? Affair feelings. He doesn't know you, he isn't even your friend. it's one sided, he wants you there for him, on his terms but when you need him, he's gone and shut you out.

 

GET MAD. This schmuck is using you. Then on some level you're using him to satisfy your addiction to him.

 

You're not "in love" with him. You're addicted to how he makes you feel and the high of it all. that isn't love, its' lust and major sexual attraction.

 

Please change your cell number this way he can't contact you.

 

If you want it over, end it and do everything you can to block him from your life.

 

Go back and re read your older threads, maybe seeing what you went through not too long ago, plus seeing how he is distancing himself from you again, will be enough finally for you to give him the boot once and for all.

[sutergirl]

Even if he did leave his wife for you, then what? Speaking from experience on the other side -- my ex husband had a 3 year-long affair with his current wife. Did he leave me for her? No, I left him because I was fed up. Did he marry her? Yes. Are they happy? No. Now she has step-kids (one of which is a major handful), he pays me child support, and now he cheats on her instead of me. Cheaters are often serial cheaters. I am so glad to be rid of him!