Father/Daughter - how to start delicate discussion?

[hjs91173]

Hi everyone, long time reader, first time poster.

 

I am a single father raising two daughters aged 19 and 16. I have been raising them alone since they were toddlers after my wife passed away.

 

I am having trouble with my eldest daughter and I have no idea how to approach this subject. We have had a rough time over the years and we have never really got along well, moreso as she gained independence as she grew older.

 

She has had a few issues with alcohol and drugs and we worked together as a family and beat those demons. She became a lesbian at 16 which I found hard to deal with at first but have learned to accept that and embrace my daughter for who she is.

 

But I have only recently found out that she has made some very bad choices. I found out through a close friend that my daughter has performed in at least two sex videos. I have not seen, nor do I wish to see them but apparently they are pretty full on videos including multiple partners and extreme fetish scenes (that is the way it was described to me).

 

My question is how do I go about raising this issue without it getting totally out of control? I know she is old enough to make her own choices and I generally would try and steer clear but I believe my intervention is warranted this time. If she is doing it for the money then I can help.

 

Given our strained relationship it will not be as simple as just going up and having a friendly chat. I have played different scenarios through my mind but none turn out the way I would like.

 

Any ideas/advice appreciated.

[january2011]

Is there anyone else that she will listen to? A close friend perhaps? Or her sister?

 

If she has gotten herself into a bad crowd perhaps you and her sister need to find a way to encourage her to spend time with people who are more interested in her wellbeing.

 

There may be support groups or advice services for parents in a similar situation - perhaps an internet search for your local area might yield some ideas.

[hjs91173]

Is there anyone else that she will listen to? A close friend perhaps? Or her sister?

 

I believe she would listen to her sister as in the past her sister has helped her beat some demons (alcohol and drugs).

 

Her sister may already know but I doubt that she does as we are very close and I believe I would have been told. If she doesn't know I would have a very rough time sitting her down and telling her "guess what your sister has done?"

 

My sister-in-law (my wifes twin) and my daughter are very close and she has been my rock since my wifes passing. It is just such a terribly difficult subject to talk about.

 

Honestly I am scared of the outcome. I don't want to find out that this is much bigger than what I currently know and she is out there all over the internet. I don't want to find out she enjoys this sort of stuff. If that is the attitude she takes she will alienate most of her family and I may never be able to save her from this downward spiral.

 

I was thinking a letter was less confrontational but at the same time it is very impersonal and may not even get read.

 

I just want her to know that I am here for her if she needs me but I doubt I will even me able to get those words out unless I ignore her venture into pornography altogether and just have a general discussion.

 

Then I am worried that she may not tell me because she is too embarrassed which makes me feel that I realy do need to let her know that I know.

 

I am so confused, I have no idea what to do. I am just devastated that I have failed her once and she has done this, I want to make sure I don't fail her again and get the message that I am here to help across loud and strong.

[january2011]

I think that you will need to find more people who can support you in getting through to her. Whether it's your sister-in-law, your other daughter or other parents who have had similar experiences.

 

Until you/someone else talks to her, it's difficult to know if this is a serious career choice, she's acting out or she's doing it for the money/kicks/etc.

 

I sympathise and cannot imagine what you or she must be going through, but I think that you cannot do this on your own. Both you and she need more support.

 

As her father, all you can do is to be a good role model and offer guidance. Since she is 18+, it's unlikely that you can stop her doing anything that could compromise her safety or security unless a court of law gives you this power because she is deemed unfit to make these decisions for herself. Therefore, all you can do is try to try to nfluence her to make smart decisions.

 

As painful as it might be, talk to your sister-in law and your other daughter. At least you can find out how much they know as well as their view of the situation. You need some allies.

[carhill]

Your deceased wife's sister would be a good place to start, IMO. She's older, has a history with your daughter and apparently is respected by her. If she isn't already, get your SIL up to speed on the details and get her feedback on next steps. If your SIL has children, she's likely faced coming of age issues as well, perhaps different ones but should have insight gained from those experiences. See how it goes.

 

I'd also suggest monitoring for signs of a recurrence in substance use.

 

Good luck.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you should be concerned with your daughters self-destructive and rebellious behavior, and also consider if this is a way for her to get attention.

 

It seems like she very likely has some past psychological/emotional issues, especially with the passing of your wife and her absence. Have you been able to discuss things with her about the past, do you know how she feels or if she may feel somewhat alone? has she ever been in counseling/therapy? (I'm assuming yes)

 

Her coping mechanism may be to lash out and distract herself with these "activities", I think she should seek counseling and you should be supportive, not judgmental or come down on her hard. Try to find out more about what you're dealing with here, you need the assistance of the sister-in-law since she has the trust and communication bridge. The problem is if you start approaching her and engaging her with this stuff she might become extremely defensive or avoid discussing this with you and being very short about it if you've never had a close relationship.

 

The last thing you should do is panic and pin this on your failure, you've done the best you could and you can't fault yourself for what you could've done better or should have been there and prevented...I am not a parent myself but I know what's it's like to be on the receiving end of that as well.

 

Your greatest ally is to be patient and to listen...that's what many women need, just someone to listen and try to understand. Also you don't need all these gritty details, it is not your failure that she chose to engage in the activities/behaviors in her life, she's going to make bad decisions here and there no matter how perfect you raise em, she's going to explore herself and find out who she is...she seems to be in that phase of testing the waters, but there is worse things than her being out on the internet amongst a billion other people as well...hell, even celebrities are on it and they're in the public eye, chances are she'll go unnoticed and even if she didn't it shouldn't be something to focus on, judging from her past behavior this seems consistent...so try to look at it in the "big picture" instead of focusing on the gritty and uncomfortable details, that's not what is important here.

 

Regardless of your daughters age, there is a never a limit or age where you can't have a relationship and rapport with them, they're never going to be too old to not need you anymore. You're a father and that's a life sentence...for better or worse, not just until the age of 18, if she needs you at 40 you be there just the same.

 

Try to work on your communication and rapport with them, but most importantly put forth the effort, even if you keep trying and learning that's what's important. Eventually they'll grow up and the conversations may change, but a good way to create distance with your kids is to judge them and make them feel unheard and like you know better...kids want to be understood and accepted, you should always reassure them how you feel and how much care/love them, it doesn't mean you need to control them or are responsible for all their life decisions and choices, you just have to be strong enough to be there when they fall to pick them back up.

 

If you feel a letter is the best way for you to communicate, then write it out then read it to her in person. It's much easier at times to put your thoughts together beforehand than in the moment, don't restrict yourself from trying something because you're afraid it's not the "best way", don't worry about what others are going to think, just put forth the effort if you feel it works better for you. Sometimes it's good to have a mediator too that can express how you feel because sometimes it's hard for kids to understand that when it comes directly from you...sometimes they just just up an automatic wall but when it's filtered through someone else they can be more prone to listen, sometimes it's not what you're saying it's how you're saying it and the emotions/attitude behind it.

Edited May 4, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Wolfcub]

I would say, as you have not yourself seen the video, leave space for doubt - it may not be your daughter at all there + what is percieved as "extreme" by one, may be nothing at all for another, maybe even for you. Maybe its just some stupid teenage joke. Try to get info from her first. Nothing better than "Hey, you know, friend X just told something strange, could it be true?" May be she has something to say about it. Ask before you start to fight.

[PogoStick]

I think you should be more concerned with with improving your relationship than focusing on the videos. There isn't much you can accomplish from a failed relationship with her.

 

You can offer support and help but it may not be a problem that needs fixing. She's an adult and may be enjoying/exploring her life. Many people don't feel that sex, videos, or fetishes are negative or taboo.