Bachelor party in Vegas for Spring Break

[MollyMarvelous]

Here are the reasons I do not fully trust my boyfriend of 2.5 years:

1) Cheated on his ex, never told her

2) Continued to talk to her after we were together. when he went back home without me, they met up at a bar with some other friends

3) Refused to throw away pics of her that had them holding eachother, with things written like "kisses xoxox" on them

4) Refused to throw away a picture of him pulling her bikini bottom off

*he says they are just memories and he and her were just friends that there is no chemistry.

5) I threw them away and don't think he ever noticed, or never said anything if he did

6) He went home again and contacted another girl he's slept with to go out and drink at a bar, she ignored him

7) Went to a strip club the day we took our christmas photo, told me about it, claims he didn't get lap dances or anything just watched for a firends bday

8) Friended a stripper on facebook from his hometown, shortly before or after

9) His dad is a disgusting pig who sends him porn. Every. Day. He sent one of them (a woman with her legs spread) to a friend asking if he could have her for xmas. My boyfriend claims he asked him to stop after we got back together, but I'm not sure I believe him.

10) His roommate is a male slut who cheats on his girlfriend ( I know her) and many of his military coworkers do as well. Even thee married ones with kids like to go to the strip clubs which I find disgusting and hate them for.

 

So we broke up after all those incidents. It has been two months and we are back together and he is in Vegas for Spring Break bachellor party. He already told me he will look but not touch, but I am so freaked out I haven't eaten anything for 3 days and have barely gotten out of bed (I am a high anxiety person). So much so that I am want to go flirt and dance with other guys to replace all that attention that I think he is giving to other women.

 

Since the first part of this totally bashed him I want to say he is generally a very good guy. He texted and called me already today to let me know what he was up to and the guy who's party it is is a very faithful good guy. He has never actually physically cheated on me as far as I know and most everyone says he is a great guy and a good catch. However he is also pretty verbally abusive (another thing his daddy taught him and we are working on). I know he loves me and our relationship because he agreed to go see a counsellor even though he hates it and is constantly trying to get me to talk about our problems. I love him, but feel like I have to be less faithful and care less in order for this relationship to continue. Oh and to make it more fun, he's leaving for a year and a half to go overseas (military) in 3 months.

 

Please give me any advice you can. I'm not going to break up with him unless I know for certain he's cheated. It just feels like it's only a matter of time.

[GMG90]

Okay... Let's analyze this.

 

You said that he's seeing a counselor and is trying to talk through relationship problems with you. I think that's very important... Though the list you gave us has so many red flags. If it helps, I've had a similar predicament. The guy just wasn't over his ex and he ended up having some kind of personality disorder going on... but that may or not be the case here.

 

The main question you need to ask yourself is whether you are happy or you're not happy. Yes, there is no evidence that the man has cheated, but look careful at your list and rationalize. And whatever you do, DON'T cheat on him! That would be the wrong way to rationalize things... If it's too much for you, then you really do need to let him go. Because I'm certain there are men out there who don't do #1-10 that would be more than happy to love you.

[Darren Steez]

Read your own bullet points which you so sagely wrote down. Each one of them is a red flag. That's 10. Most would cut and run at one let alone two.

 

It's almost like finding a phone number in his pocket, your response is not to forbid him to go out and let him go out with you but to throw the number away.

 

He's contacting ex's for drinks when he goes home? Why? Because he wants to loosen inhibitions and sleep with them.. not even going to get into the other stuff you pointed out.

 

You want physical evidence of cheating before you let go? Yet all the other stuff you highlighted is still not a deal breaker?

 

I think if you respect yourself you wouldn't put up with half the behavior he's demonstrating..and he'll keep doing it as long as he doesn't get caught because to date you haven't down anything..just buried your head in the sand hoping things will change.

[camillalev]

There are so many red flags in this, I feel like i'm in a communist state.

 

In another thread you said this:

 

And for all you saying this dude is p*ssywhipped, choir boy, just being a boy. You are misogenist. And basically just suck. A lot of d*ck probably. Poster...you deserve better. Don't hate yourself, hate him. And all the losers that tell him what he did was ok. It's NOT.

 

Take your own advice.. you deserve better. Asked exes out for drinks, went to a stripclub, then friended a stripper? That's a no-no.

[MollyMarvelous]

But he hasn't ACTUALLY cheated! that's whats so f*cking frustrating. And all the "red flags" seem to have some kind of justification. Even my own advice doesn't suffice here because he hasn't actually physically touched any of these women. The post I responded to was about a husband who motorboated a stripper and licked whip cream off her boobs. If I find out he did that while in Vegas, he will NEVER hear from me again. The one that pisses me off the most actually was the email porn asking for another woman at christmas time, while I 'm sitting there wrapping christmas presents for him. I know this kind of b*ll**** isn't llikely to change but I feel like some of it has been curbed. He does not talk to his ex at all as far as I know now...and I'm pretty snoopy and I did destroy the photos that were inappropriate. I feel like most of this BS comes from growing up with a sh*tty role model who never taught him how to be a good partner. Not that I'm perfect but my parents have been married for 35 years and taught me pretty well what to expect. I doubt we'll make it past this weekend, but thank you guys for your responses, pretty much confirms what I think. But maybe thats just the way I steered the whole Post.

[MollyMarvelous]

Read your own bullet points which you so sagely wrote down. Each one of them is a red flag. That's 10. Most would cut and run at one let alone two.

 

It's almost like finding a phone number in his pocket, your response is not to forbid him to go out and let him go out with you but to throw the number away.

 

He's contacting ex's for drinks when he goes home? Why? Because he wants to loosen inhibitions and sleep with them.. not even going to get into the other stuff you pointed out.

 

You want physical evidence of cheating before you let go? Yet all the other stuff you highlighted is still not a deal breaker?

 

I think if you respect yourself you wouldn't put up with half the behavior he's demonstrating..and he'll keep doing it as long as he doesn't get caught because to date you haven't down anything..just buried your head in the sand hoping things will change.

And I have done something every time - broken up with him twice and made him move out. Didn't say a word to him for two months.

[MollyMarvelous]

Okay... Let's analyze this.

 

You said that he's seeing a counselor and is trying to talk through relationship problems with you. I think that's very important... Though the list you gave us has so many red flags. If it helps, I've had a similar predicament. The guy just wasn't over his ex and he ended up having some kind of personality disorder going on... but that may or not be the case here.

 

The main question you need to ask yourself is whether you are happy or you're not happy. Yes, there is no evidence that the man has cheated, but look careful at your list and rationalize. And whatever you do, DON'T cheat on him! That would be the wrong way to rationalize things... If it's too much for you, then you really do need to let him go. Because I'm certain there are men out there who don't do #1-10 that would be more than happy to love you.

I am happy. SO happy when things are good. It's almost like a heroin addiction, the intense highs and lows of this relationship...is that posiibly just a phase? The counsellor told me it's just the 'storm' phase of the relationhsip that most coupleshave to navigate through. This is the text I got last night before they went out:

"Hey everyone's here now and its a great gathering of people were all going to get along so well. Molly I dont say it enough but I aways miss you and love you so dont worry be happy"

...Nice right? Well now its the next morning at least noon in vegas and im sure they went out and were crazy but I haven't heard a word and just asked him to text me and let me know he's safe. Of course all the most terrible thoughts are circulating in my head which is stupid...right?! GOD this trip couldn't have been at a worse time.

[camillalev]

And I have done something every time - broken up with him twice and made him move out. Didn't say a word to him for two months.

 

Perhaps that's why he feels at liberty to act the way he does - because you consistently take him back so he doesn't take your threats seriously?

 

Just a thought.

Edited March 24, 2013 by camillalev

[MollyMarvelous]

you're right of course. He at least seems changed each time though. This is my first real relationship and he's my best friend. I rarely connect with men so it's extremely hard to let go. Plus 95% of the time things are great. I hate doubting myself because my gut is telling me to run but my heart is begging me not to.

[dasein]

Some of your bullet list aren't red flags, some are. Try parsing it down to the really important things like the hanging with ex stuff, and you will probably find the list not that long. People do grow up and mature, some never do. Who knows what your guy will do, but as long as he is faithful, treats you well and you enjoy each other, try to come to an understanding about the important things like ex contact, and try to put the rest of it out of your mind. Good luck.

[Darren Steez]

How do you know he's not cheated? There is a reason you keep breaking up with him, there is a reason that despite getting chance after chance he still exhibits questionable behavior and not show you respect with regards to ex's

[MollyMarvelous]

How do you know he's not cheated? There is a reason you keep breaking up with him, there is a reason that despite getting chance after chance he still exhibits questionable behavior and not show you respect with regards to ex's

 

I don't. But I don't know that he has either. Innocent until PROVEN guilty I guess. He has not spoken to the main ex since last year (as far as I know)and the other one was just a one time hook up that he claims he thought it was ok to just be friends with now. I still see her as a threat...just as any of my past sexual partners would be if I were to go out drinking with them. He says he doesn't care if I do and trusts me that nothing would happen but I've already told him I would never do that because it is impled that there is a sexual history there and potential for another hook up. You're right about the chance after chance thing. I honestly feel like 3 strikes should have been an obvious ending for me.

[Poppy fields]

This sounds like a very immature relationship. Verbal abuse? Feels like a heroin addiction? These are not hallmarks of a healthy relationship. It sounds like more of an obsession on your part. True, his past track record kind of sucks, but you seem to understand that you can't hold his past indiscretions against him. That is good. However, there are many dynamics in your relationship that are not good and need to be worked on if you want ot have a trusting and healthy relationship.

[MollyMarvelous]

This sounds like a very immature relationship. Verbal abuse? Feels like a heroin addiction? These are not hallmarks of a healthy relationship. It sounds like more of an obsession on your part. True, his past track record kind of sucks, but you seem to understand that you can't hold his past indiscretions against him. That is good. However, there are many dynamics in your relationship that are not good and need to be worked on if you want ot have a trusting and healthy relationship.

 

The verbal abuse is mild name calling, raising his voice and being intimidating when we are having a discussion or disagreement. I just sit there and talk calmly and am very patient but it feels abusive. I do not yell, ever. I have never been in a loud argument in my life. I simply let the other person shout out their frustrations and when he's done (10 mins or so later) I refute his points. He is working on this and it has gotten better. They are VERY loud in his family.

 

When i said heroin addiction I may have been being overly dramatic. Or not. We have intense highs and lows and it feels passionate and torturous. I am well aware its not healthy which is why I broke it off for two months and got myself healthy again (I'd started losing a lot of weight from the anxiety). I am just hoping an unhealthy relationship CAN change into a healthy one.

 

As for the past, history repeats its self. I try my hardest to not hold it against him but it makes me want to snoop through his stuff so bad I can barely stand it. I am so confused if this is the person I want to love for the rest of my life.