Am I wrong?

[mps84]

Ok, to start I am new to this forum, so hello and thanks in advance for any response. My story is looong and detailed but I will try to keep it short..lol. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years now. We have lived together, officially for the last year. We have decided on marriage and continuing our life together. We are not engaged as of yet though. As of right now we are planning to move to my hometown int he next year (we met and have lived in a city neither of us are from) Our relationship has definitely seen its ups and downs. To start, we met in the workplace, we both were new to town and didn't know many people. He had just gotten out of a serious 3 year relationship 4 months prior to us getting together. We basically connected and were inseparable from the start. We moved pretty fast. About 3 months in to everything I found out he was cheating on me with a mutual co worker of ours. I had suspected something the whole time and even gave him an out a few times because we were in a new relationship. He had dated this girl just before we started dating, but swore it was all done with by the time we dated. Anyway, from there, I ended up finding out everything from texts and confronted him. We "broke up" for 2 weeks and basically I chose to forgive him and give him a chance. He said he had been confused, and in a bad place and felt I "forced" him into commitment that he wasn't ready for. So we carried on and worked on things. It wasn't easy because of the insecurities I dealt with but we have gotten to a place where I know he loves me, I love him and we really want to spend our lives together. Things have been ideal for the last couple years. Overall we have good communication, spend adequate time together etc. But there have been some changes in the last few months. Mainly he got a new job at a restaurant (which is the industry we both work in) and its when things started to change. I am understanding that he will work with females, make new friends and have experiences outside of our relationship. Though I will admit to weariness regarding that factor. At first everything was fine, we were, however working pretty much opposite schedules and seeing each other only in the morning and late night after work. I was ok and trusting of him about it until VALENTINE'S DAY. I was working and he was too that day so we had nothing planned, but our jobs both often times depend on the weather and that night it rained and he got called off work along with a few of his co workers. Apparently they all decided to go to happy hour, things got out of hand and he ended up dropping his car off at OUR house with a girl from work, she then drove him to the next bar and ended up bringing him home that night. I found this all out by coming home to an empty house and then waited for him to get home and saw who dropped him off. He claimed to be soo sorry and realized that not only did it look bad but it was a severe error in judgement. But not 2 weeks later he ended up going out after work which is late to begin with, all the while telling me via text that he was coming home. He ended up going mia and didn't come home until 5:30 in the morning. Obviously I was extremely upset and really devastated over these things. I have threatened to leave him and really laid into him over all of this. To me, it compromises my trust and makes me question everything. Especially since he's willing to lie to me. After these 2 incidents I basically smothered him and was breathing down his neck everyday and bringing everything up daily. He reacted by shutting down and we had a pretty bad last 2 weeks of fighting. On top of all that, I was hearing rumors that he possibly had stayed on the couch of the girl he works with the night he never came home. He claims he slept in his car after drinking too much at a bar. Either way, the last month has been a mess. I am questioning EVERYTHING and my trust has gone to zero pretty much. He keeps being defensive and saying I need to calm down and am making too much out of very little etc. The last straw for me is that 2 days ago I saw that the girl and he are texting each other periodically. He has shown me these texts and claims they are just friends. But my whole thing is, if he were really sorry this girl wouldn't even be involved in his life other than work related. He disagrees and says I try to keep him on a short leash and that he can have friends, even female that he texts, because he's not doing anything wrong. I admit to having been overbearing and over reactive in many situations throughout our relationship because I do get jealous and scared that I will be hurt again. Does anyone have any perspective on this?

[mps84]

Thanks, Mark. I think I pretty much know the answer. I guess I'm just wondering if I really have sort of pushed him into this pattern of behavior. He is kind at heart, definitely. I love him more than anything and really see or saw a future with him. But my gut is telling me that I am accepting disrespectful treatment and that it isn't right. Its' just that I have invested soo much and it hurts so much. It's especially hard to break it off with someone on the grounds that what he did was wrong and shows he's not sorry, when he will not really admit to it. He turns it on me and says I need to give him his space or I force everything etc. I know he feels guilty so he's on the defense and turning it around on me. I just hate thinking that the person I love isn't capable of treating me with respect and can hurt me soo much. And what if I have blown everything out of proportion and pushed him away even more? I also wonder if counseling could help? I mean is there really no hope?

[MollyMarvelous]

If you think there is a shred of hope, give him a ton of space. A TON. Maybe even move out and start making some new friends, especially with other men. Let him miss you. Rebuild your confidence. If he loves you, he will stop replacing your attention with attention from another woman. He feels like he's got you locked down and smothering is so unattractive. It sounds like he hasn't actually cheated, but is on the verge. So start making a new group of friends and give them your attention while distancing yourself from him. I hope he realizes what he's missing and comes back. Good luck!

[camillalev]

Yes, the rule is simple, trust what someone does, not what someone says. Promises are easy to make. Keeping them is hard.

 

So if his behavior disturbs you (and it should for most girls) and the only reason you stay with him is because you feel like it's your fault in some way (that you've pushed him too early into a relationship) or because he's kind at heart (because you are close), you should leave this relationship. It's a textbook case of manipulation and even if it hurts, it's not going to stop.

 

People in these scenarios do not generally change - only continue with their act until circumstances forces them to change.

 

Good luck,

Mark

 

Thanks, Mark. I think I pretty much know the answer. I guess I'm just wondering if I really have sort of pushed him into this pattern of behavior. He is kind at heart, definitely. I love him more than anything and really see or saw a future with him. But my gut is telling me that I am accepting disrespectful treatment and that it isn't right. Its' just that I have invested soo much and it hurts so much. It's especially hard to break it off with someone on the grounds that what he did was wrong and shows he's not sorry, when he will not really admit to it. He turns it on me and says I need to give him his space or I force everything etc. I know he feels guilty so he's on the defense and turning it around on me. I just hate thinking that the person I love isn't capable of treating me with respect and can hurt me soo much. And what if I have blown everything out of proportion and pushed him away even more? I also wonder if counseling could help? I mean is there really no hope?

 

Your gut is correct, he's being disrespectful, and even more disrespectful by blaming his behavior on you. You didn't force him into anything, it was his choice to be with you. Let's not forget that he lied to you when you gave him several easy outs. Is this the relationship you desire, to be with someone who behaves this way then makes you feel that you're forcing him to act this way? I think that's pretty manipulative and a bit emotionally abusive..

 

On these boards I've been consistently seeing women putting up with such clearly horrible behavior from their boyfriends while they wonder if it's really as bad or making excuses for them. I wonder what makes us women believe we deserve this cr/ap? When it's apparent the men clearly have no problems relocating the blame or continuing their hurtful behavior. It makes me feel like someones 89 year old grandmother From what you've written, it's not you. He's acting this way because he chooses to act this way. Don't take responsibility for his actions. HE needs to take responsibility for HIMSELF and if need be feel the consequences of his actions, which is on you. And yes, he feels he has you on lockdown, he is taking you for granted. He has completely forgotten that you are 100% autonomous and can, if you choose to, remove your presence from his life, turn in a new direction, move on and find love elsewhere. He believes you'll stick around and put up with his sh/it. Not only that, he feels at liberty to to play mindgames by blaming you for his decisions.

Edited March 24, 2013 by camillalev

[mps84]

Thanks everyone! You are all sooo right and I know it. I found out last night that he really was at the girl in question's house until very late one night. He finally had no choice to admit it. So, I made the choice to leave our home. I'm currently staying with a family member about 2 hrs away and I took a week long leave of absence from work. I am still hopeful that we can reconcile, if I'm being honest. He begged me not to leave and said I'm the love of his life etc etc. But I explained that I cannot accept lying and manipulative behavior any longer. I don't believe he is malicious, more like sick in the head. Anyway I'm going to do my best to figure stuff out on my own and if he gets it then he gets it, if not that's his problem. I've had a lot of talks with family members and friends who have all given me such wonderful words of encouragement and reminded me who I really am not the beaten down version this experience has made me.

 

Thanks again for the input.

[ChessPieceFace]

You chose to stay with a cheater and now you don't feel like you can trust him. Surprise surprise. This is one reason why any cheating (including if someone cheated in past relationships) is an immediate deal-breaker for me. You can never trust them.

[camillalev]

Thanks everyone! You are all sooo right and I know it. I found out last night that he really was at the girl in question's house until very late one night. He finally had no choice to admit it. So, I made the choice to leave our home. I'm currently staying with a family member about 2 hrs away and I took a week long leave of absence from work. I am still hopeful that we can reconcile, if I'm being honest. He begged me not to leave and said I'm the love of his life etc etc. But I explained that I cannot accept lying and manipulative behavior any longer. I don't believe he is malicious, more like sick in the head. Anyway I'm going to do my best to figure stuff out on my own and if he gets it then he gets it, if not that's his problem. I've had a lot of talks with family members and friends who have all given me such wonderful words of encouragement and reminded me who I really am not the beaten down version this experience has made me.

 

Thanks again for the input.

 

You're making the right decision by leaving, but a tiger doesn't change it's stripes, honey. Any change will be temporary.