For the weekend dads out there...

[The_Face]

I am new to this. Being a dad. Its especially hard for me right now because I don't get to see my son everday. I don't know how guys do it. I want to be there everyday, for every moment, but the baby's mother already has a new boyfriend. Our son is one month old. I am happy to see him but its hard knowing I have to leave him today. I might try counseling. My paternal instinct is fully engaged but I can't put it to use all the way. I wish things were different. Me and the mom could have a family, but some other guy is going to get that prize. Sorry if this is hard to read, I have been up every couple hours or less so lack of sleep makes it hard to get this all out. How do you weekend dads cope with not getting to be there for your child every day?

Edited March 23, 2013 by The_Face

[spirius]

I feel for you mate.

 

My sons (4 and 6) live 130 miles away from me. I get to see them every other weekend Friday to Sunday, which involves about 10 hours of driving to pick up and drop off.

 

They are very happy kids and they know will see me regularly, but it's me that has the issues.

 

I've found it very hard to let go of the pain of having "lost my family", but am gradually trying to accept that if they are happy that is what counts and that I can function as a father without mother being around.

 

Show the love, keep it regular and kids turn out just fine!

 

Just don't crucify yourself over it. No alternative is there?

[The_Face]

I feel for you mate.

 

My sons (4 and 6) live 130 miles away from me. I get to see them every other weekend Friday to Sunday, which involves about 10 hours of driving to pick up and drop off.

 

They are very happy kids and they know will see me regularly, but it's me that has the issues.

 

I've found it very hard to let go of the pain of having "lost my family", but am gradually trying to accept that if they are happy that is what counts and that I can function as a father without mother being around.

 

Show the love, keep it regular and kids turn out just fine!

 

Just don't crucify yourself over it. No alternative is there?

 

My son lives two hours away, so not as bad. Thanks for your reply. its tough even talking about this, but I could use some male friends, who have similar setups with their kids. Now I know how my dad felt. You asked if there is no alternative, curious what you meant. Thanks again.

[spirius]

I meant you cannot be in an unhappy relationship as that will result in unhappy children.

 

The best chance for your children is the situation you are in now. It is tough on you, but they have a chance of being happy in two loving homes.

 

I feel very guilty at times because get resentful about the distance, but four years on I am still doing it and I think that says something about me as a father.

 

I consider closing the distance, but aside from financial issues I do not know if I would be happy there and again that would not be good for them. But something I still consider.

 

On the new boyfriend/man whatever. That's tough to start with, but honestly now I could not give a crap. The kids love him like a friend, not as a Dad. It's just another person to love them.

And frankly, this probably isn't the family he envisioned for himself either. It'll be something for him to adapt to and deal with as well.

 

Don't be too tough on yourself about it. Just do the best you can with the situation you've got and ALLOW yourself to settle into life.

 

Easier said than done. Haven't yet managed it and a break up last week has sent me reeling, like I'm not capable of looking after them myself when I have been all along.

[pink_sugar]

Face, is there any way as your son gets older that you can have shared custody? I guess if he stays the full weekend with you, that's a lot more than some parents get. A lot of separated/divorced people have kids that live across the country or they live a few hours away and are only lucky to see them once a month. When I was younger, I only saw my mom every two months or so...it sucked, but it was life. We both dealt with it. She had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I am grown up, because she wasn't there everyday to see me grow, so she saw me as a little girl for so many years. See a family planning attorney though to get this in writing, especially holidays.

[The_Face]

I know there is so much to be happy/ excited about right now. And I am happy and excited. But, there's another part of me that feels really sad. I know at this point I'm just coming across as a moper/ whiner, whatever, but I think I need to let some of these sad feelings out so I can get through them. I know it's going to be a process I have to learn how to get through, and it will be filled with some low points as well as many extreme highs.

 

I am just feeling really lonely today. I haven't felt lonely in years. I guess I need some help cheering up today, need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay.

 

Deep down I know it will be. But this whole thing is also so scary right now. One month in to being a father and I'm already feeling protective and concerned and all that. And I have all this love I want to give, at all times, and I'm strugging with the fact that I won't be able to always give it in the ways I would like. Yeah, that's just the way things are going to be, I know.

 

More and more I'm thinking it would be good for me to join a group, some place I can meet people who have been through similar things, a support group of some kind. As of now I feel I am burdening my few friends and family with it and it almost seems to be pushing some of them away.

 

I'm just ranting a bunch right now. Think I'll have a smoke and listen to some Springsteen down by the creek in the backyard. That might help a bit. Even if you don't know what to say in response to this post here, thank you anyway simply for reading it and having even the slightest bit of interest of concern for me, a complete stranger.

[The_Face]

I meant you cannot be in an unhappy relationship as that will result in unhappy children.

 

The best chance for your children is the situation you are in now. It is tough on you, but they have a chance of being happy in two loving homes.

 

I feel very guilty at times because get resentful about the distance, but four years on I am still doing it and I think that says something about me as a father.

 

I consider closing the distance, but aside from financial issues I do not know if I would be happy there and again that would not be good for them. But something I still consider.

 

On the new boyfriend/man whatever. That's tough to start with, but honestly now I could not give a crap. The kids love him like a friend, not as a Dad. It's just another person to love them.

And frankly, this probably isn't the family he envisioned for himself either. It'll be something for him to adapt to and deal with as well.

 

Don't be too tough on yourself about it. Just do the best you can with the situation you've got and ALLOW yourself to settle into life.

 

Easier said than done. Haven't yet managed it and a break up last week has sent me reeling, like I'm not capable of looking after them myself when I have been all along.

 

Thanks, spirius. It's nice to share with someone who understands, and has actually been living it. I've only been at this a month and 6 days, but I already feel the burn.

[LMNO]

I feel your pain Face, and I'm sorry you are going through that, especially with your child at such a young age. My best suggestion is to do what you can to spend the most time possible with him/her. I know for me personally, I'd be more than happy to be unhappy where I lived, if it gave me even just one extra day a month with my son, and I think he would eventually thank me for it.

 

As hard as it is for me to say in my current situation, and not knowing if your ex is poison or not like mine, do all you can to keep it amicable with her to try and get as much time as possible with your child. That may not be an option if she is as venomous as mine. I hope for you and your child's sake she isn't.

 

I'm currently in Afghananistan, and have been struggling tremendously after my sons mom left me for another man while I was here. The shattered dreams of the family I always wanted for our son on top of loosing the love of my life has brought me to levels of darkness here I never imagined possible. Trying to get over the fear and worry that the bond I have with my son, that I have workedso hard to develop and maintain the past ten years, may be broken as I am here, and there's another man there adamantly working to take that slot and push me out of the picture, is a pain I can't come to terms with. As I said, I feel your pain. Best of luck to you brother

[pink_sugar]

I'm not a parent, but I remember after living with my dad by the time I was 8, I was only able to see my mom once every few months. It was tough, but we dealt with it. Think about it, the weekend isn't so bad. Not sure what type of job you have, but most working parents aren't able to see their child and spend as much time with them during the week anyways, because they are working. If you don't work the weekends, you are spending more quality time with him than you otherwise would have during the workweek.

[ASG]

I'm not a parent, but my parents split up when I was about 6 and I still saw my dad every day. He only lived about 30m away and would pick us up from school most days, as my mom worked until later.

 

Couldn't you try to arrange something like that with your ex? I know your kid is only a baby and she's probably still home with him, but as time goes by, you should try to arrange something with her that allows you to see him more often than just weekends/every other weekend.

 

I know it mustn't have been easy for my parents, but they put me and my brother first, which meant my dad was never a weekend dad, but an almost daily presence in our lives. (And my mom got a new boyfriend not too long after they separated)

 

So talk to your ex and see if something can be worked out, even if it means just a couple of hours visiting or so.

[pink_sugar]

I think the OP mentioned his son lives a few hours away, so it's not that feasible.