Emotionally Abusive Ex-Girlfriend

[bobbyg7575]

I'm going crazy. I'm 45, split with my now ex girlfriend of four years in mid-December because she was "too much to handle", which I now see from reading various articles that she was extremely abusive and manipulative. We started dating again early February, while she was superficially dating others from match.com. She told me that she still loved me, but until I fully commit again (she calls it "all in", supporting her and her three teenage children), she will continue to date others, but won't have sex with them. OK, that's fine.

 

She has an insatiable need for attention both emotional and physical. So, after several weeks of dating me again, and probably seeing I was not going to keep feeding that insatiable emotional need like I used to, she started sleeping with another guy on a daily basis. I didn't find out for about a week, but discovered it quite painfully.

 

I was shocked and told her I never want to see her again, told her to stop phoning and texting. Well, the phoning and texting doubled, and I am flabbergasted how she can still manipulate me electronically. She's gotten me to state that she's the love of my life, that I want to spend the rest of our lives together, that I want to marry her eventually. I'm not sure I mean those things...

 

I think I am a sucker for her BS because I had a high school crush on her. But, that was brief, I got older, became a successful man and lived my life then reconnected at forty after we had both gone through divorces. Behavior I never would allow in any other woman I readily accepted because of my childhood crush on her. I really feel like a sucker.

 

Now she's told me that I'm the only one, 1000%, that she wants to be my wife, that she wants to live the rest of her life with me. And, even though this guy she was sleeping with is waiting in the wings, pursuing her, she says she's stopped sleeping with him in hopes that we will get back together (first of all, I don't believe her, and if that's not pressure: "get back together with me, or I'll keep f***ing someone else", I don't know what is.) Additionally she's asked me not to see anyone else, and she checks in every night around 11pm, which I think is mainly to make sure I'm not with anyone (a behavior that intimates that she's guilty of still sleeping with this guy, but I'm trying to not be paranoid).

 

My problems regarding trying to get back together are:

 

Our relationship wasn't working when I walked away in December. We had been struggling for about a year and it was not getting any better, so how can I expect it to improve now, especially after she lied about not having sex (this is, in all likelihood, unforgivable for me)? She's manipulated me into weakness by causing jealousy.

 

I've told her that I really love her, that I too sometimes feel that I want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I'm not sure I'm being clear-headed about this. She has been manipulating and abusing me for many years, and her financial situation, her ex-husband, and her three somewhat problem children are overwhelming problems taken as a whole. Why am I considering getting into a horrible relationship again?? Oh, one more thing, she's mad at me because I'm staying with a friend and having a good time reconnecting with friends I had lost touch with over the last four year. It's almost like she's mad at me for having a good time, as though I should be miserable with her stuck at home tending to three kids, a venomous ex, and heavy financial responsibilities, choices she made, not me.

 

Anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice?

[TaraMaiden]

First of all, go No Contact - and if that means changing your phone number, closing down your FB account completely, changing your email accounts totally, and changing your home 'phone and actual domestic location - then do it.

 

Seriously - Do it.

 

But don't whatever you do, ever breathe a word of it to her, at all, at any time, in any way.

Have your post redirected, and don't tell the new occupants of your old home, where you are going.

 

I'm really, completely serious about this.

 

 

Secondly, go to intense therapy, to help you understand why you play into this, why you can be so completely manipulated and why you've become a doormat.

 

Because trust me, you are.

And you need to change it, fast.

[bobbyg7575]

Yup, I've done it, gone NC. I didn't change cell number, but I think I can handle that. I've deleted every message that has come in since posting this without looking at it. I've also set up my emails to delete her incoming emails automatically. I feel a lot better in just the short time with NC.

 

What I focus on is that I have a very good job, there are lots of very nice women in San Francisco, where I live, who are eager to meet good men, and I'm considered a good looking, big, tall guy. In this instance, it was just the unique circumstance that childhood "first love" memories allowed this horrendous woman back into my life.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[BeenAround]

I have recently ended a 2 year relationship with an emotional manipulator. I never understood what "emotional manipulation" was until I read up on it extensively post break up. I was the one to finally break it off but the toll it took on my mental health is unbelievable. I didn't see it clearly until now (almost 2 months NC).

 

It is very dangerous to be with someone that gains this type of control over you and I know it will be quite a while before I can truly move on from it. He had me doubting everything about myself and he was quite convincing with his motives. Before him, I was a very confident, strong woman. I now have found myself trying to re-gain my self esteem and self-respect. It is a battle for me every day and I have been looking into seeking therapy.

 

So please.........run................ and don't look back from this woman!!!!!

[Mack05]

Been there too mate. To add to Beenaround's point..RUN and never look back..Trying to understand a woman like this is pointless. They view the world in a VERY different way to you..

Edited March 25, 2013 by Mack05

[Mack05]

Look, the harsh truth is this.

 

When it comes to break-ups, there are usually two scenarios.

 

The first one is that you have unresolved issues. This means that you need too much appreciation and validation, that you need to control your partner due to low self-esteem and so on. It's the basis of a co-depedent relationship. This is the first major reason why so many relationship fail - because they come with huge emotional baggage.

 

The second is simpler - some people are as they are. You are trying to find a rational model to her behavior and to be honest, there is one but not one you can understand in these circumstances. People always act this way for a reason and you can look deep for that reason if you want. However, a broken person, emotionally or psychologically (and you'd be amazed to see how many people are broken, ranging from 18 to 65) can fix her or his behavior only if she or he wants that.

 

Therefore, the best advice I can give you? Let it go, move on with your life. Her model of what's right and what's wrong is different than yours and one will eventually break. It's best not to be you.

 

This is a great post.