mca Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Before anyone judges me, i did not go out and delibrately fall for this man. I have known him nearly a year,through work,an we have become friends.Knew he was married from the off.He was flirty right from the start an to be honest i responded positively to his flirting (nothing heavy,just playful flirting) but then he started acting a bit more..well serious flirting,major hints tellin me he was lonely etc. Nothing has ever physically happened between us.The thing is i feel as though he has reeled me in,i have begun to develop feelings for him big time.I miss him terribly when he's not around.when im working with him we have such a laugh together and i cant stop smiling.i think its obvious that there is a mutual attraction,its like the elephant in the room. I dont ever want anything to happen but i cant bear the thought of losing him as a friend.i think i must have some sort of emotional attachment to him.i just dont know how to get over my feelings for him.oh,hes a lot older than me as well. Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 You need to get over it and get away from him. How would you feel if you were his wife. Most importantly of all, what does this say about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mca Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 You need to get over it and get away from him. How would you feel if you were his wife. Most importantly of all, what does this say about him. I know what your saying,an im trying to meet new guys,but i wont let anything happen? I dont see why we couldnt just be friends. I care about him as a friend,i think my romantic feelings for him stem from my own loneliness ,therefore i think if i were to meet someone my feelings for him would disappear.. Link to post Share on other sites
TaserTag Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 I know what your saying,an im trying to meet new guys,but i wont let anything happen? I dont see why we couldnt just be friends. I care about him as a friend,i think my romantic feelings for him stem from my own loneliness ,therefore i think if i were to meet someone my feelings for him would disappear.. Something already has happened and your relationship with this married older man is already inappropriate (flirting, him telling you he's lonely, you getting attached and developing romantic feelings). I don't think that anyone sets out to fall for someone who is married, but you are deciding to flirt with him and stay in a relationship with him. If you want to 'get over your feelings,' then you should start cutting off contact with him. He's flirting and setting up your emotional affair to turn into a physical one. And that's why you can't just be friends now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mca Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 Something already has happened and your relationship with this married older man is already inappropriate (flirting, him telling you he's lonely, you getting attached and developing romantic feelings). I don't think that anyone sets out to fall for someone who is married, but you are deciding to flirt with him and stay in a relationship with him. If you want to 'get over your feelings,' then you should start cutting off contact with him. He's flirting and setting up your emotional affair to turn into a physical one. And that's why you can't just be friends now... He very recently has stopped flirting as much,kind of backed off but still friendly. I never initiated the flirting and would never make a move.he has started mentioning his wife more which i get the hint,so i think he is trying to tell me nothing wil happen,which i dont want to anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 He very recently has stopped flirting as much,kind of backed off but still friendly. I never initiated the flirting and would never make a move.he has started mentioning his wife more which i get the hint,so i think he is trying to tell me nothing will happen,which i dont want to anyway. First off he started flirting with you, he's a smart guy, acquire target, get to know her with playful flirting find out what the boundaries are and how far you can push them. He's mentioning his wife more so you know exactly where you and him stand, most likely if you were to pursue this further he won't be leaving her. You think he's trying to tell you nothing will happen, to be fair you don't know which way is up, this guy has got you spinning, second guessing everything. You say you don't want anything to happen but you're already caught up aren't you..hence the "I can't stand to lose his friendship" sentence This guy is smart, he pushed, then pulled back, no doubt he'll come at you again. First things first, HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND AND IT'S NOT A FRIENDSHIP. You seem pretty intelligent, there's a reason why you posted here because you know what is happening, so instead of following with your heart and lust, use your head and extricate yourself from this situation before you land yourself in a whole world of trouble because what's the worst that can happen? Wife finds out People at work find out Your family finds out You really want that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mca Posted March 24, 2013 Author Share Posted March 24, 2013 First off he started flirting with you, he's a smart guy, acquire target, get to know her with playful flirting find out what the boundaries are and how far you can push them. He's mentioning his wife more so you know exactly where you and him stand, most likely if you were to pursue this further he won't be leaving her. You think he's trying to tell you nothing will happen, to be fair you don't know which way is up, this guy has got you spinning, second guessing everything. You say you don't want anything to happen but you're already caught up aren't you..hence the "I can't stand to lose his friendship" sentence This guy is smart, he pushed, then pulled back, no doubt he'll come at you again. First things first, HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND AND IT'S NOT A FRIENDSHIP. You seem pretty intelligent, there's a reason why you posted here because you know what is happening, so instead of following with your heart and lust, use your head and extricate yourself from this situation before you land yourself in a whole world of trouble because what's the worst that can happen? Wife finds out People at work find out Your family finds out You really want that? No. I never thought about that or him trying to say to me he would never leave her by mentioning her. I know he would never leave her. I know i would be the one getting hurt if anything were to happen. He's got me hook line and sinker! May need to quit my job! Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 No. I never thought about that or him trying to say to me he would never leave her by mentioning her. I know he would never leave her. I know i would be the one getting hurt if anything were to happen. He's got me hook line and sinker! May need to quit my job! Dear god, why quit your job? Just stop talking to him! Isn't that easier? I take it you like your job? I'm sure his type he'll probably get the hint and go find someone else. He's not a friend or a family member, you didn't know him before you took this job so why the over dramatization? What's more important, paying rent or possibly getting busted by an irate wife when she finds out? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) I'd meet up with his wife and have a nice cosy little chat, over coffee with her. Seeing her as a reality, may help to knock your head into shape. Edited March 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mca Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Dear MCA, I am sorry this happened to you, feelings are very often something you can't control. You know that your affection for this man is wrong because he is married to another woman and therefore you have come here to ask for help, that is a very decent thing to do! I would like to suggest you to go NC with the MM, if he ask you what is the problem just tell him that he is married and he should be wondering what is his problem that is looking for female attention around and not within his own marriage. From there on you should be strong and keep NC as much as you can. Don't think I don't know how difficult is what I am suggesting... but what is the other options? What if you have an affair with him? Will you still be happy when he uses you for sex or validation and still come back to his wife? because it is the most likely thing to happen. You are in a crossroads at this moment, you can chose to do what is right for you and for the MM or do what feels right but will be destroying you and the MM family.. I guess it is your decision to take... but often what feels good in the short term has a big cost for you in the long term... don't forget that! Thanks for your advice hun. I know your right,you cant help who you fall for but you can control what happens. Nothing ever will,i wont let it. I just need to get over him x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mca Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 I'd meet up with his wife and have a nice cosy little chat, over coffee with her. Seeing her as a reality, may help to knock your head into shape. Yes,agreed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mca Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Dear god, why quit your job? Just stop talking to him! Isn't that easier? I take it you like your job? I'm sure his type he'll probably get the hint and go find someone else. He's not a friend or a family member, you didn't know him before you took this job so why the over dramatization? What's more important, paying rent or possibly getting busted by an irate wife when she finds out? I'll try to stop talking to him, however hard it may be x Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine6 Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 First off he started flirting with you, he's a smart guy, acquire target, get to know her with playful flirting find out what the boundaries are and how far you can push them. He's mentioning his wife more so you know exactly where you and him stand, most likely if you were to pursue this further he won't be leaving her. You think he's trying to tell you nothing will happen, to be fair you don't know which way is up, this guy has got you spinning, second guessing everything. You say you don't want anything to happen but you're already caught up aren't you..hence the "I can't stand to lose his friendship" sentence This guy is smart, he pushed, then pulled back, no doubt he'll come at you again. First things first, HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND AND IT'S NOT A FRIENDSHIP. You seem pretty intelligent, there's a reason why you posted here because you know what is happening, so instead of following with your heart and lust, use your head and extricate yourself from this situation before you land yourself in a whole world of trouble because what's the worst that can happen? Wife finds out People at work find out Your family finds out You really want that? Listen to this and run with it. Been there done that. He will take as much as he can get to get his kicks, but he will never give you what you will eventually want from him. Tread carefully. He's playing the game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mca Posted March 28, 2013 Author Share Posted March 28, 2013 Listen to this and run with it. Been there done that. He will take as much as he can get to get his kicks, but he will never give you what you will eventually want from him. Tread carefully. He's playing the game. I think on some level i already know it. It's just that its hard to get away coz he has drawn me in and got me thinking about him. I think he knows i am vulnerable and is playing on it. If you don't mind me asking, what happened in your situation? Sorry,not prying just trying to figure things out Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 How can i get this married man out of my head? By realizing he is pretty much cheating on his wife by engaging this way with you, and at the very least he is disrespectful to her. Why would you want to be with a man that disrespects his wife and is a cheater just waiting to happen? No offense to you at all here, but what is it with women that complain about men being dogs, but then go after that type of guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) Do some introspection to figure out why a married man's attention is so attractive to you. Most emotionally healthy women would be kind of disgusted to flirt with a married dude, but yet you are curious and interested. Why? The "draw" you feel to him is likely sparked by subconsious motives, often rooted in your childhood. You admit that you are vulnerable and like the attention. You logically know this about yourself. It's good that you can admit that, but you have to put this knowledge to use. You are 19. As children, we have adults that watch over us. Good parents will shield you from people that have the potentional to hurt you, not just physically, but emotionally. They protect you because they have your best interest at heart. As an adult, you have to do this for yourself. YOU have to be the one to keep yourself away from shady people. YOU have to be the one to question a person's motives. If you know you are weak to his attention, then you have to distance yourself. You must keep your own best interests at heart. You do this by avoiding people that have the potential to hurt you. You say you know you will get hurt, but yet continue to nurture the attraction. Why? Don't sabatoge yourself. You may not feel in control of your feelings, but you have control of your actions. Toddlers learn that they can't throw a tantrum every time they get mad. They learn to sit with their emotions. You can learn this, too. You can feel attracted and just accept it as a fleeting emotion. You do not have to act on it or make it more important than it really is. You can feel attracted, and choose not to feed that attraction. Put those thoughts and energy elsewhere. The dog you feed more gets bigger. If you keep thinking about this married guy, you are feeding the attraction. Starve it. Whenever thoughts of him cross your mind, immediately turn your attention elsewhere. Keep yourself busy. I also agree that he is grooming you. The push-pull technique, dropping little hints about the wife, are so typical. He has likely targeted other girls before you...don't be the one to fall for it. You deserve more than to be some married guys sidedish, and it should insult you that he thinks of you like that. Keep your boundaries strong. There is something about you that is giving him the vibe that you would be a willing participant. What do you think that is? Many attractive women do not have married guys hitting on them. Why? Usually it's because they have strong boundaries and the married guys know they would never have a chance. Your behavior is not shutting him down, but instead shows him that his game is working. Introspection is a wonderful thing. Edited March 28, 2013 by Quiet Storm 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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