Friend who is married is after me, and it's so hard to resist

[Speedy79]

A couple of years ago I started taking martial arts. It was there that I met and made quite a few friends, one being this 40-year old woman (I'll call her "C") and her three kids, all around early teen age. I didn't fall for her or anything, we had always just been friends. Her husband had been taking classes with the rest of the family but quit because he thought it was too violent. C and her husband have been married 20 years and were high school sweethearts. He can be kind of a jerk but that's beside the point.

 

A month ago, a few people from my school were going to a Valentine dance in the city. C asked if I'd be her date. I asked her why she didn't ask her husband, and she said she can never get him to go out with her. So I went, and insisted we take separate cars. Well, we had a blast. As FRIENDS. During the slow dances, she tended to bite my neck, which kinda threw me off, then after a few drinks, she said she wanted me to take her back to my place. "I said no, you have 3 awesome kids and a great family and you're a great friend".

 

At the end of the night, she drove me to my car, since I had to park far away. I thanked her, got out and started up my car, and she gets out of hers, runs up to my window like I left something in her car. I roll my window down and she just about jumps into my car and before I know it, her tongue is in my mouth. Now - I haven't been kissed in 4 years, so between the shock and the having forgotten what it felt like, I admit I let it linger, but stopped her and said good night, and while I won't say anything, that can't happen again. She agreed.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and she starts telling me how I turn her on, how good I am with people at the school, how well I get along with the kids and play with them, draw pictures for them and stuff. She practically begs me for another kiss. I say no. Since she's been so forward, I decide to be forward and ask why she always wears her ring on her right hand or not at all, and what the deal is with her husband?

 

She says they're not divorced or separated, but in "existence"...he wants nothing to do with her life and she's tired of him - and she said they married too young and are too different now. Tried counseling numerous times, and it didn't work. So basically she's just in it for the kids. She said that she doesn't know what she's doing when it comes to me but that I've made her happier than she's been in many years, that she's never felt so cared about and beautiful as I've made her feel. Also, her best friend and niece both have told her they notice the difference in her happiness. Both say that she should go as far as we want.

 

Yesterday she dropped by my house for something between clients at work. One thing led to another and thanks to both of our loss of self-control, I found myself on the receiving end of oral sex from her.

 

I like her. I really do. If she wasn't married I would go for it without hesitation. She has always looked out for me and been an amazing friend. But every time it's like this little pang of guilt kicks in. Even after that first kiss, when I talk to her kids I think to myself "I'm not worth it for her to lose all of this". She says she doesn't feel guilty. I have another unhappily married female friend who says she wishes she could do that and that I should take the opportunity. Then there's the religious aspect, as I'm Catholic, although obviously not very strict.

 

I'm not proud of myself. I'm very happy that I make her happy because she's a good person to a lot of people and I think deserves it, but there's no future here. I want a woman who I can call my own and have my own children with (or at least one). And I keep telling her "Maybe in the next life" because no way in hell am I going to tell her to divorce her husband. At the same time, I'd never want my wife to cheat on me, but I'd never treat my wife like I didn't give a damn about her either.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation - where the other person is unhappily married and has been for a long time, just in "existence"?

[TaraMaiden]

Carry on like this and it will not end well.

 

And please - don't say 'loss of control'.

 

That's just a pile of hogwash, and almost as bad as "We couldn't help it, it just happened'.

 

There was no 'loss of control'.

You both did what you did because that's precisely what you wanted to do. There was just a little bit of guilt thrown into the mix, that's all.

 

And don't deny it. You're the one who, after the kiss, told her it couldn't happen again.

 

Then you gat a blow-job from her, which (if you're lucky) takes quite a bit longer than the kiss.

 

See, I can tell what you've done here.

 

you've recounted an elaborate tale of the why's and wherefore's of having a fling with her, but the plain truth is, she's not happy in her marriage, and you find her phukkable, and the fact that she's not happy in her marriage makes it a little bit 'justified'....

 

But as you say, there's no future in it, so - Start resisting.

 

hard as it may be, by your own admission, it's all you can do.

 

If her marriage is a pile of poo, it's up to her to remedy that, in whichever way is best.

 

But you?

 

You need to 'resist' - big time.

[2sunny]

You won't be too happy when her A hole H comes after you!

 

She's a complete jerk! Maybe there's good reason her H isn't nice - I'm sure it's not the first time she's thrown herself at a man.

 

Run! Fast! Don't even talk to her trashy a$$.

[Catplates]

Hey,

 

Man up and show some self control and respect for everybody concerned. DO NOT put yourself into the position of being tempted in the first place. Don't take her in your car.

 

YOu are not a baby and you do know right from wrong.

 

The path you are on is a slippery slope to hell. Somehow, I think you will take it, no matter what advice you receive here.

 

Cat

[wisernow]

A couple of years ago I started taking martial arts. It was there that I met and made quite a few friends, one being this 40-year old woman (I'll call her "C") and her three kids, all around early teen age. I didn't fall for her or anything, we had always just been friends. Her husband had been taking classes with the rest of the family but quit because he thought it was too violent. C and her husband have been married 20 years and were high school sweethearts. He can be kind of a jerk but that's beside the point.

 

A month ago, a few people from my school were going to a Valentine dance in the city. C asked if I'd be her date. I asked her why she didn't ask her husband, and she said she can never get him to go out with her. So I went, and insisted we take separate cars. Well, we had a blast. As FRIENDS. During the slow dances, she tended to bite my neck, which kinda threw me off, then after a few drinks, she said she wanted me to take her back to my place. "I said no, you have 3 awesome kids and a great family and you're a great friend".

 

At the end of the night, she drove me to my car, since I had to park far away. I thanked her, got out and started up my car, and she gets out of hers, runs up to my window like I left something in her car. I roll my window down and she just about jumps into my car and before I know it, her tongue is in my mouth. Now - I haven't been kissed in 4 years, so between the shock and the having forgotten what it felt like, I admit I let it linger, but stopped her and said good night, and while I won't say anything, that can't happen again. She agreed.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and she starts telling me how I turn her on, how good I am with people at the school, how well I get along with the kids and play with them, draw pictures for them and stuff. She practically begs me for another kiss. I say no. Since she's been so forward, I decide to be forward and ask why she always wears her ring on her right hand or not at all, and what the deal is with her husband?

 

She says they're not divorced or separated, but in "existence"...he wants nothing to do with her life and she's tired of him - and she said they married too young and are too different now. Tried counseling numerous times, and it didn't work. So basically she's just in it for the kids. She said that she doesn't know what she's doing when it comes to me but that I've made her happier than she's been in many years, that she's never felt so cared about and beautiful as I've made her feel. Also, her best friend and niece both have told her they notice the difference in her happiness. Both say that she should go as far as we want.

 

Yesterday she dropped by my house for something between clients at work. One thing led to another and thanks to both of our loss of self-control, I found myself on the receiving end of oral sex from her.

 

I like her. I really do. If she wasn't married I would go for it without hesitation. She has always looked out for me and been an amazing friend. But every time it's like this little pang of guilt kicks in. Even after that first kiss, when I talk to her kids I think to myself "I'm not worth it for her to lose all of this". She says she doesn't feel guilty. I have another unhappily married female friend who says she wishes she could do that and that I should take the opportunity. Then there's the religious aspect, as I'm Catholic, although obviously not very strict.

 

I'm not proud of myself. I'm very happy that I make her happy because she's a good person to a lot of people and I think deserves it, but there's no future here. I want a woman who I can call my own and have my own children with (or at least one). And I keep telling her "Maybe in the next life" because no way in hell am I going to tell her to divorce her husband. At the same time, I'd never want my wife to cheat on me, but I'd never treat my wife like I didn't give a damn about her either.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation - where the other person is unhappily married and has been for a long time, just in "existence"?

 

Just to add to what the others have written here. To answer your question: Married people saying that they are not happy, or just existing (for the kids, mortgage, money, jobs, cars, family, religion, etc.) is a common theme told to the OW/OM. It's used (truthfully or not) as a justification for pursuing sex outside of the marriage.

 

I don't know how much reading you've done on these boards, but it's played out here over and over again, and this is not likely to end well for you. I hope you'll consider getting your needs met elsewhere, for your own sake.

[LFH]

Does her husband know that he's living in "existence" like she says?

Have you asked her? Is she willing for the 3 of you to discuss it?

It wouldn't be the first marriage that has that weird funky dynamic.

If she says yes, that he knows and they really do have some type of understanding, then there's always that awkward lunch between the 3 of you to have where you clear it with him.

 

It's not ideal though because sometimes that's how you fall in love with someone who actually still belongs to someone else... but at least you'd know where you stand.

[Act Two]

Seriously, resist.

[Poppy fields]

You sound like a nice guy who has just gotten way in over your head with this woman. It doesn't sound like you could handle having a relationship with her even if her husband was on board.

 

If you are certain this is not something you want, I think a lot of distance between you two is in order. Don't let your dick lead you around. Go with your head and your heart. You sound like a normally sensible person.

[Speedy79]

Thank you for the feedback, everyone.

 

She asked today if she could come by, I can only imagine why. I told her no, and an hour later she asked if I could take a look at her laptop. I said I would do it at the school after class Monday. Regardless of what she tells me about her husband, the couple of times I've met him before all of this, he wasn't very friendly, and their kids never seem to have anything to say about him and don't ever seem to spend time with him. But again, irrelevant.

 

I thought I was a better person than this. On one hand, I'd always thought that it was filthy and low to cheat on one's spouse. Then again, I know multiple people (like my OTHER unhappily married friend) - who says YOLO and I should live it up, and that deep down I'm a good person and this won't change that. C teases me as her "good little Catholic boy", little mister incorruptible. And sometimes I wonder to myself if I'M the abnormal one. "It's 2013. Everyone cheats"..."She's the one cheating, so I'm clear"...these are the things that flip flop in my head. Coupled with the loneliness of not having been kissed or laid in 4 years, AND that I DO like her, even if just as a friend, that makes it a harder decision.

 

But there's a reason I keep switching between feeling guilty and feeling good. If it was right there wouldn't be that guilt. I still do want to try to be friendly with her and her kids especially, since I get along so well with everyone there and am looked up to by a lot of the kids, so any interactions will have to be in the school where there are people around.

[2sunny]

You can't be friendly with her and not create trouble for yourself!

 

Be honest with her - tell her you won't see her alone. She's just dreaming up excuses to get you alone. I'm sure this isn't her first time cheating - you need to get tested for std's.

[Speedy79]

I told her I won't see her alone. She said that I don't know what her home situation is like, and that I've made her feel so loved, so much happier and centered than she's been in forever. I said that she is another man's woman, no matter how he treats her, and if she has issues she needs to handle them on her own and take whatever steps are necessary for her and her kids. I told her that I am not an "other man", or a distraction. I am worth more than that and deserve more, and want to be able to be with someone fully, not looking over my shoulder constantly or sneaking around.

 

Then she asked if we could talk tomorrow. I said no, we will talk in the school after class Monday if she has anything to say.

[whichwayisup]

Regardless of what she tells me about her husband, the couple of times I've met him before all of this, he wasn't very friendly, and their kids never seem to have anything to say about him and don't ever seem to spend time with him. But again, irrelevant.

Maybe because he knows you have the hots for his wife...Maybe he's heard gossip. Just sayin'...Never say never.

 

Also, kids don't 'boast' about their parents. You don't know their life behind closed doors, their family dynamic, or what they do on holidays, during family dinners, birthday's , holidays. You're an outsider looking in, so don't assume you know the real truth.

[Poppy fields]

I told her I won't see her alone. She said that I don't know what her home situation is like, and that I've made her feel so loved, so much happier and centered than she's been in forever. I said that she is another man's woman, no matter how he treats her, and if she has issues she needs to handle them on her own and take whatever steps are necessary for her and her kids. I told her that I am not an "other man", or a distraction. I am worth more than that and deserve more, and want to be able to be with someone fully, not looking over my shoulder constantly or sneaking around.

 

Then she asked if we could talk tomorrow. I said no, we will talk in the school after class Monday if she has anything to say.

 

What is there to talk about? It sounds a though you said your peace. I would leave things as is and not involve yourself in any more personal conversations with her. Be firm. She can't force you to talk.

[whichwayisup]

I told her I won't see her alone. She said that I don't know what her home situation is like, and that I've made her feel so loved, so much happier and centered than she's been in forever. I said that she is another man's woman, no matter how he treats her, and if she has issues she needs to handle them on her own and take whatever steps are necessary for her and her kids. I told her that I am not an "other man", or a distraction. I am worth more than that and deserve more, and want to be able to be with someone fully, not looking over my shoulder constantly or sneaking around.

 

Then she asked if we could talk tomorrow. I said no, we will talk in the school after class Monday if she has anything to say.

 

You need to put this in action and stop flirting with her, stop being her ego feed. She is using you to puff herself up, to feel good and you're getting the short end of the stick. I hope you follow your own words and shut her out of your life. NO friendship can happen because it'll just be an emotional affair, you two are not 'friends', the lines have been crossed.

 

Good for you for telling her off.

[Speedy79]

You need to put this in action and stop flirting with her, stop being her ego feed. She is using you to puff herself up, to feel good and you're getting the short end of the stick. I hope you follow your own words and shut her out of your life. NO friendship can happen because it'll just be an emotional affair, you two are not 'friends', the lines have been crossed.

 

Good for you for telling her off.

 

Thanks. I can't completely shut her out of my life due to the classes we take together, but that's all it will be. She said she is going to go to counseling and try to figure out how she can be happy and what do do about her marriage, and that if we are going to be together it should be done the right way. I told her not to think about that. If it happens down the line it happens, but I told her that she needs to figure her life out like I don't even exist and that's yet another reason I need to back off.

[Speedy79]

We're not doing anything anymore.

 

I'm not totally convinced she's done this before. Judging by how she sounds, she's fallen for me and sounds pretty broken hearted. She said today that she regrets the night we hooked up because of what it did to us, and that she didn't realize how deep her emotions were involved in this. Not that this justifies anything, I've got my sights set on finding a woman who can give 100% of herself to me. A healthy relationship, not this. Anyway, I told her that's why I ended it before it got even worse, and said that she needs to focus on other endeavors such as work and forget about me - we will see each other in class and that's all. Needless to say, we'll be sparring harder than usual in class.

[thefooloftheyear]

We're not doing anything anymore.

 

I'm not totally convinced she's done this before. Judging by how she sounds, she's fallen for me and sounds pretty broken hearted. She said today that she regrets the night we hooked up because of what it did to us, and that she didn't realize how deep her emotions were involved in this. Not that this justifies anything, I've got my sights set on finding a woman who can give 100% of herself to me. A healthy relationship, not this. Anyway, I told her that's why I ended it before it got even worse, and said that she needs to focus on other endeavors such as work and forget about me - we will see each other in class and that's all. Needless to say, we'll be sparring harder than usual in class.

 

I dunno...

 

Id think you would be better served to not put yourself in the same class. It just breeds tension and who needs that??

 

TFOY

[Speedy79]

Most of my friends and people I like at that school are in that particular class, so I don't just want to up and ditch them. I'll try tonight and see how class goes. If it's awkward, then I'll ha e little other choice I guess...