Getting engaged soon- can I do this?

[candy411]

Ok, I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this and I don't know what to do with myself. I really need help and please no harsh judgment. I need to know why I feel the way I do and how to go from here. My bf and I will probably be getting engaged in a year from now (as we've discussed). We are moving in together in a couple of months. 90% of me is ecstatic, but 10% of me is worried and scared. Please hear me out. I apologize for the length.

 

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now. I am in my 20s. We met and began a relationship in high school. Ever since then, it has been smooth sailing. We have never broken up or taken a break. We have not had much drama. All of my relationships before that were filled with a lot of drama and jealousy. So, in comparison, my current boyfriend is a saint. He actually is the best guy I've ever met. He is a very kind soul, very strong person, and has a very mature outlook on love and relationships. He has never done a single thing to betray my trust. Our personalities fit perfectly together. I overthink/overanalyze things and he is calm and a good listener. He never judges me. I can tell him anything. He comforts me very well. Tells me I am beautiful and amazing every day.

 

Sounds perfect right??? It is, on his part. Except...

 

Over the years I've struggled with being attached to guy friends of mine. They always end up having feelings for me, and I in turn develop feelings for them as well. Typically we decide to stop being friends due to the circumstances. I am always very guilty after realizing what I was engaging in (Emotional Affairs, basically-flirting and being emotionally invested in another man).

 

Recently I got involved in the most intense emotional affair I've had. The guy actually asked me to LEAVE my boyfriend for him. I've NEVER been asked that before. In the past it's always been a subtle "i kinda like you, this should stop" type thing. Anyway, he and I talked everyday for months. There was no flirting in the beginning, just legitimate friendship (although I think there was always an attraction) I felt intensely connected to him and could not bear the thought of losing him in my life. The feeling I had with him was incredible. Nothing physical happened except long hugs and some cuddling. I got very attached to him, until after a few months the guilt was eating at me every single minute of the day and he was finding it impossible to cope with his feelings for me while I was with someone else.

 

I haven't talked to him in a couple of months but I think about him everyday. After we stopped talking, I put all of my energy back into my relationship with my boyfriend. He is the perfect man for me. I logically KNOW THAT. I do not know if I believe in the One...but he is what I NEED in my life. He balances me perfectly. We have same values. Families get along. It's really perfect.

 

The emotional affair guy is not the perfect match for me. Values are not exactly in line. Don't know if he could handle me the way my current does. However, I can't stop thinking about him. I honestly feel i will never be over him. I don't feel "in love" with my boyfriend anymore. He is so in love with me that I can't tell him about this emotional affair- it would crush him. We have tried doing new things together and that's fun and makes things little better. But he just doesn't excite me the way the other guy did. Can I still go through with an engagement a year from now if I feel the same way? Is this normal? Is this something that's just "life" and you need to accept? That your heart/hormones may not always be in tune with your mind/logic? You need to choose what's best long term rather than what you passionately WANT?

 

Also, I would do anything to avoid breaking things off with my boyfriend because he would be so hurt. It would destroy him. And I would probably find it difficult to meet another guy with whom I could be my true self (I've been w/ him for so long it's just natural). So I guess my question is how to be okay with this cognitive dissonance?

Edited March 23, 2013 by candy411

[KatZee]

I'm sorry but you can't marry your boyfriend. Not at all.

 

First of all, you got together in high school. You've both grown. You're not the same person you used to be. You've grown apart from him. You've also been having emotional affairs consistently throughout your relationship! Those are in my opinion a MILLION times worse than a physical affair. Sex is sex. But you've put your heart and emotions into relationships with other guys who are NOT your boyfriend.

 

You're clearly unsatisfied and you've said it. You're not "in love" with your boyfriend anymore. Do you really thinking getting married because your families are close, or because you "logically know he balances you" or because you've been together 7 years, or because you're too scared to hurt him, are reasons to get married??? THEY'RE NOT.

 

Marriage will solve nothing with your boyfriend. You will still be unhappy, still unsatisfied, still looking for what you're missing, still seeking out men for emotional affairs, and they WILL lead to physical infidelity but being married will make the situation 1000x worse. And if you ever have kids? FORGET IT.

 

You have time to leave now while you can. You aren't living together, you don't have a ring... NOW is the time to be honest with your boyfriend. Not after you've moved in and own a home together, or after he buys a thousand dollar ring to put on your finger.

[candy411]

I'm sorry but you can't marry your boyfriend. Not at all.

 

First of all, you got together in high school. You've both grown. You're not the same person you used to be. You've grown apart from him. You've also been having emotional affairs consistently throughout your relationship! Those are in my opinion a MILLION times worse than a physical affair. Sex is sex. But you've put your heart and emotions into relationships with other guys who are NOT your boyfriend.

 

You're clearly unsatisfied and you've said it. You're not "in love" with your boyfriend anymore. Do you really thinking getting married because your families are close, or because you "logically know he balances you" or because you've been together 7 years, or because you're too scared to hurt him, are reasons to get married??? THEY'RE NOT.

 

Marriage will solve nothing with your boyfriend. You will still be unhappy, still unsatisfied, still looking for what you're missing, still seeking out men for emotional affairs, and they WILL lead to physical infidelity but being married will make the situation 1000x worse. And if you ever have kids? FORGET IT.

 

You have time to leave now while you can. You aren't living together, you don't have a ring... NOW is the time to be honest with your boyfriend. Not after you've moved in and own a home together, or after he buys a thousand dollar ring to put on your finger.

 

KatZee, Thanks so much for taking the time to read my situation and give me your honest advice. I appreciate what you have to say. Although I wonder... are people who are married still "in love"? Or after a few years, does that just go away/

Edited March 24, 2013 by candy411

[Scarlett5]

Hi candy....I often wonder that too, people say love is not a feeling but a choice? This confuses me a little. But, I think when you're ready to marry someone, you won't question it. You'll know within yourself that it's the right decision and you'll be excited and looking forward to growing together, with just him and no one else. Not to say this cant change later down the line, but I'd say certainly at the point of getting engaged this should be how you feel. Otherwise what's the point?

 

Marriage will just intensify your doubt I think, it certainly won't solve anything, as Kat already said.

[KatZee]

KatZee, Thanks so much for taking the time to read my situation and give me your honest advice. I appreciate what you have to say. Although I wonder... are people who are married still "in love"? Or after a few years, does that just go away/

 

Love is always work. Are the butterflies and giddy feeling there after years together? No, of course not. But it's up to the couple to grow up and grow together, not grow apart. There has to be 100% effort from both parties.

 

I'm concerned because you've been having emotional affairs for a while. What is it that's missing for you? Is this something you can discuss with your boyfriend?

[Janesays]

I'm still "in love" with my fiance.

 

The first response in this thread was the best advice you can possibly get. Are you a mature woman? Prove it. Time to "woman up," end this relationship and allow both you and your boyfriend to move on to find your true soul mates.

[candy411]

Love is always work. Are the butterflies and giddy feeling there after years together? No, of course not. But it's up to the couple to grow up and grow together, not grow apart. There has to be 100% effort from both parties.

 

I'm concerned because you've been having emotional affairs for a while. What is it that's missing for you? Is this something you can discuss with your boyfriend?

 

I think I may have some self esteem issues. Although my boyfriend compliments me all the time, I have a need for external validation. Growing up I never felt "enough" of anything: pretty, smart, etc. I always wanted to be more. And now, when I get that attention from other guys, I guess it is easy for me to be swept away. Also, the fact that I started my relationship as a teenager meant that I was still really immature with how I handled everything and flirting w/ other guys every now and then didn't seem like a big deal. The problem is that I'm still in the same relationship, but now I'm an adult.

 

Writing this out, it becomes apparent that I have some personal issues to work out. Not just relationship.

[Janesays]

I'm going to say this as gently as I possibly can...

 

"Self esteem issues" is NO EXCUSE to treat people poorly. The fact that you think your poor self image is your get out of jail free card to cheat on your boyfriend multiple times, lie to him about it (because every day that goes by where you fail to fess up is a lie to his sweet and trusting face) and actually sit here contemplating whether or not you should trick him into this sham marriage....well, let just say that actions like these say you are person with VERY poor character. Poor self esteem should be the LEAST of you worries!

 

Now. You have an opportunity here. You can do the right thing or you can do a horrible thing. But make no mistake, your ACTIONS define what kind of person you are. You can FEEL like a sweet girl who just needs soooooo much attention deep in your heart all you want. But if you do bad things, that makes you a bad person. Period.

 

On the upside, all it takes to be a good person is doing the right thing.

 

It is your choice.

[candy411]

I'm going to say this as gently as I possibly can...

 

"Self esteem issues" is NO EXCUSE to treat people poorly. The fact that you think your poor self image is your get out of jail free card to cheat on your boyfriend multiple times, lie to him about it (because every day that goes by where you fail to fess up is a lie to his sweet and trusting face) and actually sit here contemplating whether or not you should trick him into this sham marriage....well, let just say that actions like these say you are person with VERY poor character. Poor self esteem should be the LEAST of you worries!

 

Now. You have an opportunity here. You can do the right thing or you can do a horrible thing. But make no mistake, your ACTIONS define what kind of person you are. You can FEEL like a sweet girl who just needs soooooo much attention deep in your heart all you want. But if you do bad things, that makes you a bad person. Period.

 

On the upside, all it takes to be a good person is doing the right thing.

 

It is your choice.

 

I completely agree with you. And I do not think it's my get out of jail free card at all. However, I want to change and so I am trying to tackle the root of the problem. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. I voiced some of my concerns and told him some of the issues I have dealt with. He was very upset, cried a lot, and said that he wants to do anything to make our relationship work...which in turn broke my heart because I know I don't deserve him.

 

Since the best outcome for both of us is for me to CHANGE so I can treat this relationship and person with all the respect deserved, I need to figure out WHY I have behaved this way, and I need to do everything I can to fix that.

[KatZee]

Counseling will be your only option here if you want to dig down to the root of your issues. This isn't something you'll fix on your own.

[pbjbear]

I'm sorry but you can't marry your boyfriend. Not at all.

 

First of all, you got together in high school. You've both grown. You're not the same person you used to be. You've grown apart from him. You've also been having emotional affairs consistently throughout your relationship! Those are in my opinion a MILLION times worse than a physical affair. Sex is sex. But you've put your heart and emotions into relationships with other guys who are NOT your boyfriend.

 

You're clearly unsatisfied and you've said it. You're not "in love" with your boyfriend anymore. Do you really thinking getting married because your families are close, or because you "logically know he balances you" or because you've been together 7 years, or because you're too scared to hurt him, are reasons to get married??? THEY'RE NOT.

 

Marriage will solve nothing with your boyfriend. You will still be unhappy, still unsatisfied, still looking for what you're missing, still seeking out men for emotional affairs, and they WILL lead to physical infidelity but being married will make the situation 1000x worse. And if you ever have kids? FORGET IT.

 

You have time to leave now while you can. You aren't living together, you don't have a ring... NOW is the time to be honest with your boyfriend. Not after you've moved in and own a home together, or after he buys a thousand dollar ring to put on your finger.

 

I dont think sex is sex. If a guy ****s another girl Im gone. Game over. Emotional affairs are often done to fill a void/stroke the ego. Not saying Id forgive over one, but Id be much more likely to forgive an emotional affair than a physical affair. I dont buy this stereotype that guys cheat just for sex. Research actually shows it is rarely just for that. Just because men dont leave their wives for their affairs means they werent attached to them.

[KatZee]

I dont think sex is sex. If a guy ****s another girl Im gone. Game over. Emotional affairs are often done to fill a void/stroke the ego. Not saying Id forgive over one, but Id be much more likely to forgive an emotional affair than a physical affair. I dont buy this stereotype that guys cheat just for sex. Research actually shows it is rarely just for that. Just because men dont leave their wives for their affairs means they werent attached to them.

 

My point wasn't that someone WON'T leave someone if they have a physical affair over an emotional affair, but BOTH sexes are capable of sex no strings attached, no emotions, and they're able to screw, and walk way. No questions asked.

 

Go talk to a person who gets emotionally involved with someone other than their partner. When they're in love and over the moon for someone who ISN'T their partner. Who is out confiding in, sharing with, being emotionally open with someone who is NOT their partner. A million times worse. There are feelings there. Love. The heart. The emotions. THAT is an investment. A man sticking a penis in the vagina is NOT an investment.

 

And yes, I've seen that. Men go looking for that connection. The emotional attachment. The validation. The feeling of being wanted and needed. The feeling of being adored. THAT is an emotional affair. Unfortunately some women are naive and become "other women" and sex is involved. So now you have both an emotional AND physical affair.

 

You'd forgive someone for an emotional affair over a physical one? I would forgive neither, and if I had to pick one, I'd forgive the physical over emotional. A guy or girl can be wasted (no excuse) but at the end of the day the sex means nothing. It was physical pleasure, nothing more.

 

I would never forgive an affair where my partner, who I was invested in, was telling some other woman he loved her, was going to leave me for her, loved her more than I, was telling her things he wasn't telling me. An emotional affair is that bond. That connection and if my partner found that in someone else? Bye. Go be with her.

Edited March 26, 2013 by KatZee