Girlfriend sudden breakup after 6 months, wants to be friends

[JungleViking]

Another poor soul here, just in need of some advice i suppose.

 

(sorry ahead of time for the "i said", "she said" stuff)

 

My girlfriend of 6 months suddenly broke up with me last weekend, it was such a strange encounter. It was on a saturday night, I had asked her if she wanted to do anything earlier that day and she said that she was having dinner at a her family's and that we could maybe meetup later that night if i wasn't busy, all was well. Then, later that night she asked if i was free to come over, and what time. 9:30, great. she messaged back, something seemed a little weird in the way she responded and she said we should have a serious talk since we haven't really had one yet. I said ok, and head over.

 

We sit down and begin talking very briefly about how our day went, then i asked her what's up. So she begins to explain that she had been thinking off and on whether she should stop dating because she isn't sure about her future, in terms of school and stuff, and what she wants. Then she begins crying, talking about how awesome i am, so on. I begin to get choked up, and tell her what i liked about her..we end up saying a lot of emotional stuff. At one point i said maybe i'd better go and she said i don't have to. But after some more talking, once things calmed down a minute i said it again and she said "do what you have to do". We both were a wreck. I left. went home, slept.

 

The next morning I was thinking about our conversation the entire day, I thought maybe, perhaps she was just freaking out a little bit...maybe that it didn't really go the way she intended it to, and while we can't take back what we said I couldn't help think that it wasn't something that necessarily meant the end of things. I messaged her that evening asking this. she said that she wasn't sure how it was going to go. She said there was more that she wanted to say. She said that she thought I was pulling away, and that i really didn't have much invested and mentioned my profile (we met online) not looking for anything long term (which she was wrong on). I was a little taken back by this response, who cares about my profile at this point? She also mentioned that she was happy, but scared she couldn't give me what i need or want in the long run, or that she would hurt me worse later and that maybe she would have a better shot at me being in her life if she backed off.

 

I told her that I wasn't backing off, got a bit emotional in my response and said some other things. she said she was sorry she ****ed it all up and that she caused all of this and that she won't bother me again. I responded, she said her phone was about to die, and sent me a lengthy text way later that night. Another very lengthy one.. saying how much I mean to her, how i'm a big part of her life and something she looks forward to everyday. And that we both need space to readjust. She said whenever I was ready to sit down and talk, to let her know.

 

I responded that we should sit down and talk later that week, and she said she didn't realize I wanted to meet so soon, and that she didn't think her decisions would change but she can maybe explain them better. She also mentioned writing an email if i wanted. She said we could meet after sometime that week but she was worried seeing each other would set us back and not allow us to adjust. I said no emails, and that i would prefer later that week while things are still fresh in our minds (maybe not a good idea?) and that I would let her know what day later that week. after NC that whole week, i messaged her saying I agree that we should give more space, and that whenever she was ready, perhaps next week, we can talk. She replied she was ready when i am.

 

Some things I don't understand with her responses is the inconsistency. At first it was about the school thing, then my profile and me apparently backing away. I'm starting to not quite believe it, and that maybe she's just coming up with something that will let her back out.

 

Guys, I'm still so distraught about this whole thing. Just 2 days before this talk, we talked about what we had planned to do the next couple weeks. She asked me to come to her birthday dinner with her family, etc. Then blammo. I really am struggling to see where things started to shift, I'd like to think i'm keen on seeing the buildup to these moments, but maybe i was just blinded by liking her so damn much.

 

So I'm thinking, should I go through with talking to her next week? Maybe say that email is OK? Should i just say screw it and go NC from now on? I really would like answers if I can get them, at least for closure's sake. It would be nice to say what i wanted to say when we had the talk, even if it's not going to make much of a difference now.

 

I already kind of have a good idea of what i'm going to say, that I cannot just be friends, that while it would make things easier for her, it would be too painful for me. Even though the thought of not being in contact with her is also so very painful. We talked to each other every single day for 6 months. I want to tell her that whatever it was that bothered her, even if it was something that she believed was ridiculous or that would hurt my feelings, she should have brought it to my attention.

[lovelifexx]

My experience, both my own BUs and helping my friends going through BUs, is that if someone breaks up with you it's because their feelings aren't strong enough for you. If you really love someone, you would fight for them, you would try to find a way to be together. For example, if I were really in love with someone and I was worried that they didn't want a serious relationship because of what they wrote on their dating profile when we just met, what would I or most people do? I would talk to him about it and ask him if he still feels the same way. I would not just break up with him over something like that.

 

The fact that your ex has different excuses I believe is a sign that she just doesnt have strong enough feelings for you anymore. And they sound just that, excuses. You wanting to keep meeting up with her trying to convince her makes you look desperate and will just push her away.

 

Keep your dignity and go NC. Tell her you really want to be with her and love her, but since she does not you want to move on and eventully meet someone who wants to take on life's challenges together. Give her space to feel like she is losing you, and to miss you. Im not one of those on here that believes in this total, hardcore NC and that you should completely ignore someone in all circumstances though. I thnk to get anywhere people need to communicate. That's usually what lead to the BU in the first place, people not communicating their thoughts and feelings and deciding to break up before sharing what's on their mind.

 

I don't think you should count on it, but I believe it's the best way to maybe reconcile in the future, but mostly it is best for you.

 

Good luck. Take care. xx

[apolloNB8]

I had a similar situation with a girl BUT I have to say that at least your ex met you in person to tell you that she wants to break up. I've dated girls who are in there 30's who don't have a dignity of telling you that they want to break up face to face.

 

However the inconsistencies and randomness of her excuses just mean that she doesn't have any real reason to break up other than that SHE doesn't see a real future with you. The biggest thing at this point is that you have to accept the fact that you don't have anything to build on. There isn't a real problem to address. She's grasping for something that seems logical as a "good" reason to breakup. To be blunt, just like with my ex, I am persuaded that your ex doesn't like you nearly as much as you like her, and that's why she's breaking up with you. She knows she's not ready to take things any farther with you than they've gone already, but it's clear that you want things to go farther.

 

I don't know a good way of dealing with this situation in terms of getting back together with your ex. However, I decided not to get back together with mine because she didn't communicate her concerns with me but instead just kept saying how wonderful everything was. Then one day she just drops the hammer and says she wants to break up. All that tells me is that my ex was just passing time without any real conviction that she wanted to keep things going. I was just convenient to her at the time.

 

Trust and communication are essential, but you also need someone who is willing to fight to stay with you. Unless she really pursues you after this, I have to recommend that you just tell her when you next meet that you don't know why she believes you weren't committed to her, but that you were, but that she's probably right that if she doesn't feel that she wants to keep the relationship going, then it would be best for you to pursue another relationship.

 

At this point she might say that she wants the relationship to keep going but remember that she broke up with you. Therefore, if she says she does want the relationship to keep going but that she needs her space, don't accept that as a solution. Just say that based upon her uncertainty at this time, you think it's best that you pursue other relationships.

 

Whatever you do, I urge you NOT to accept being "just friends". All that will mean is that she will run to you whenever she has guy problems but will not do much for you. IT ALWAYS WORKS THAT WAY WHEN YOU BECOME "FRIENDS"

[JungleViking]

I thnk to get anywhere people need to communicate. That's usually what lead to the BU in the first place, people not communicating their thoughts and feelings and deciding to break up before sharing what's on their mind.

 

I totally agree, 100%.

 

She's grasping for something that seems logical as a "good" reason to breakup. To be blunt, just like with my ex, I am persuaded that your ex doesn't like you nearly as much as you like her, and that's why she's breaking up with you. She knows she's not ready to take things any farther with you than they've gone already, but it's clear that you want things to go farther.

 

I think this is true as well. It's a sucky thing to deal with not really knowing the true reason, but I'll just have to deal with the fact that this may be the best i'm going to get out of it.

 

Am I wrong to want to talk in person once more? she seemed responsive to it. All i really wanted to tell her was how I felt, and end it on exactly apolloNBB ended it on, that I cannot just be friends with her; that while it may make it easier for her to deal with things, It would just be too painful for me. then I walk away, and it's NC from then on.

 

I guess I'm trying to take the high road, I know that meeting again and saying that stuff is probably not advisable, but I do believe it would at least help me with closure.

[polyglot]

That's true, "Let's be friends is an obtrusive way of distancing you from sexual affairs" I went through with this recently.

 

Well the fight for love, blah blah, it wont work. You love and she love, that's it. WTF is that people change and all that. Where the **** is trust in this whole story. If you trust somebody, you don't have the worry of loosing them. You are at peace. The concept of break up just doens't come into picture. Unfortunately most of the stories here are short lived.

[apolloNB8]

I totally agree, 100%.

 

 

 

I think this is true as well. It's a sucky thing to deal with not really knowing the true reason, but I'll just have to deal with the fact that this may be the best i'm going to get out of it.

 

...

 

I guess I'm trying to take the high road, I know that meeting again and saying that stuff is probably not advisable, but I do believe it would at least help me with closure.

 

That's EXACTLY how I felt. I was angry that she just calls me the day before a planned date (actually just before midnight on Sunday...we were supposed to have a date for my birthday) and then wants to break up. That really hurt. I never really felt heartache before then, but it's clear she didn't feel remotely the same. In retrospect, it's clear that she must of just wanted someone she could have sex with on an ongoing basis without feeling like she's "sleeping around".

 

She apparently never wanted to talk to me about what was bothering her or even really act like something was wrong. She just fed me positive feedback and then just dumped me.

 

I fought to keep dialogue open with her but she completely cut me off. I sent her an occasional text, called her a couple of times, all over about a 2 mos. span but every time she never replied. Then her roommate texts me one day after I asked about the ex and said "this is getting to be A LOT. She's moved on!". I was surprised by the hostility, so I replied that I was just trying to do what seemed right and that I understood that, after no contact for 2 mos., she must not want to talk with me. But I blame myself for being naive.

 

I don't know the whole reason for the breakup and I believe that it's unlikely that I ever will. The only conclusions I have come to is that she would have to FULLY disclose what happened and explain why she never shared her concerns with me. Otherwise I can't go back into dating her (and I doubt she's any more open to it than I am right now BTW). That's a matter of trust and if your ex doesn't trust you or value you enough to disclose her feelings, that shows a lack of interest in the relationship and a lack of intimacy.

 

I don't think you have much to gain by meeting her in person at this point. Unfortunately taking the high road sounds good but in my experience the women who compliment you most about how good of a guy you are generally respect and value you the least. My last ex convinced me of this more than anyone else. You can't concern yourself with the high road.

 

I've made the decision to forgo dating with the possibility of a relationship for now. I don't want to find myself dating a good woman and then backing out on her because I'm still dealing with getting over my ex. I suggest that you do the same and not revisit this. I don't believe that her reasons for breaking up are actually the reasons she is giving you. Remember that people ALWAYS fight for what they really want, and if she's not fighting to keep you in her life, then she doesn't really want you in her life as much as you want her in yours.