We were both married but now I am not...Need to get rid of the romantic feelings...

[ChloeChloe]

Greetings, I am new to this forum and have found everyone's posts to be extremely helpful.

 

I have been the "other woman" for a little over a year. I was married (no kids) however I got divorced at the end of July. My husband never knew about the affair. The affair was definitely a symptom of the problems we had, and he was the one who initiated divorce proceedings. My MM has always said he would never leave his wife/kids so I did not have expectations that he would, and our affair cooled down considerably when the divorce stuff started in April. I think we were both having our cake and eating it to-though it seemed like I might have gotten more emotionally involved than him. It is a strange dynamic between us as he is/was a friend and confidant as I went through the divorce process, which only served to strengthen my romantic feelings towards him.

 

I don't see him as much as I used to now, but I find myself thinking about him constantly. Now that I am divorced I have a lot more alone time. We are friends and we do work together, and see each other occasionally for lunch or happy hours with others. I find that seeing him is one of the major highlights in my life. However, I'm afraid my feelings towards him are going to affect my ability to move on and enter the dating world again when I am ready to do so.

 

I would love any advice others have for burying these pointless feelings!

 

Chloe

[Merin]

Chloe, It seems to me that once you became available REALLY available this guy got freaked out so the affair has cooled.

 

The reason being (from where i'm sitting anyway) is that this affair for you was about an emotional connection to him that maybe you were not getting from your husband, and this affair for him was about exactly having his cake and eating it too.

 

He had told you previously he would never leave his wife and kids and I think he got involved with you to begin with for the excitment of it and because you were "safe" as you were married as well, so he didn't feel you would start wanting more with him and he didn't fear you telling his wife because you also had something to loose in telling.

 

Now that you're divorced, well that changes everything for him, and really for you as well. Now you are wanting someone to be there for you in more than a way an affair can offer you, and he is still in the same place he was before.

 

How do you now go about getting rid of those feelings....... I would suggest that you stop meeting him for lunch or happy hour as a starting point. Don't kid yourself into thinking that the two of you can just be friends as you've got an emotional romantic attachement to him and he is for real NOT AVAILABLE.

 

You are no longer married, that in itself is going to take time to adjust to. So don't hurt yourself further by trying to believe that what this guy has to offer you is going to be enough, in the end it won't be.

 

There are a lot of single guys out there who are emotionally available. So when you are ready to get out there again, find one of those guys.

 

In the mean time, sit tight and if you find a single guy who catches your interest, give it a go. He need not be Mr. Right or even Mr. Right now, he may just be someone who you develop a friendship with that understands you and that could lead to more.

 

Good LUck!

[Confused Coworker]

When I was reading your story, I feel like I could have written it myself! I have been the "other woman" for just about a year also. I am married, and my husband doesn't know about the affair. The man I'm with is technically single, but lives with someone in a long-term committed relationship. We work closely together, go to lunch and dinner, happy hours, etc, etc. He tells me I'm his best friend, and I feel the same way. But when the physical part of our relationship started, he always made a point to say "no matter what happens, I always want to stay friends." I agreed at the time, but a year into all this, I just don't know if it is possible.

 

Just as you said, I know there are problems in my marriage that led to this affair. A few weeks ago, I started talking about these problems with my "other man", and said the thought of divorce crossed my mind. I could tell this information freaked him out, and he started to back away. Same "I want my cake and eat it to" scenario. He thinks I'm safely married, and no threat to his situation, but when he sensed a possibility of a change to that, he started acting differently.

 

Which made me start to wonder how good a friend he really is to me. Isn't he really just taking advantage of our friendship knowing the possibility was there because he had a sense my marriage was in a bit of trouble? Knowing that should make it easy to back away, but as you said, the feelings are there now. And they are re-enforced by seeing him so often. My friends always advise me to stay away from him, but like you said, I do look forward to spending time with him.

 

It is such a trap. Maybe we can convince each other to break away. If you don't, I think it will make it a bit hard for you to move on as a single person. There is also the possibility that if you start dating someone else, he will get jealous and move back in more. It may become difficult for you to handle that.

[ChloeChloe]

sorry for the delayed response but I was traveling, fortunately he was NOT on this particular business trip with me.

 

I really appreciate the points you made-sure, he says he thinks of me as his best friend, but after reading other posts about this and thinking about things, I think I have been more of a sex therapist! Therefore, his marriage is able to stay intact because he got his needs taken care of on the side. In fact he has even told me that talking with me has helped his marriage. How chivalrous of me! That line about made me sick, considering that my marriage completely unraveled. He's repeated the friend line so many times I wonder if he is trying to convince himself that he is not a bad person.

 

I haven't seen him in a couple weeks since he's been on vacation with his family, lovely, but my mood has been a little better. I am wondering if there is a connection between not seeing or hearing from him and my emotional state. I think you are right-the distance absolutely has to happen. I don't know that I will be able to completely x him out due to our work situation, but there is definitely room for more distance. I don't want this holding me back! He has mentioned offhand that he would get jealous when I started dating, though he later recanted the statement saying he shouldn't have said that to me as he was afraid it would affect what I do(it won't).

 

REgarding your situation-I am curious about what is going on with your marriage right now, and would be happy to offer you some support in getting away from your OM. Please feel free to email me privately through the online system.

Chloe

[Confused Coworker]

Now I am the one slow to reply. I'm glad to hear you were away without him, and that you've had some space from him. Does he try to contact you when he is away with his wife? Did he while you were together? I guess I'm not clear on if the affair is completely over, or just cooled off.

 

It is amazing how they keep repeating the "best friends" line. You're right, it is their way of convincing themselves of something. In my case, I think my OM keeps trying to convince himself it is not really an affair, just a friendship with occassional sex when the situation allows. It doesn't work that way.

 

As for my marriage, I got married very young even though I was warned against it. Now we have grown apart a bit, and I feel we really don't have that much in common, not that much of a companionship. That's how I was open to an emotional connection with someone else. And just like you, my emotions got involved while he kept it at the purely casual level for himself. Why is it so much easier for men to do that???

 

What happened with your marriage? Do you ever regret that you divorced? Do you think you would have stayed married if you never got involved with the OM?

[ChloeChloe]

I think it is pretty much over-I say think because we have called it quits before and started up again, but it has been almost a month since we were together. He was on email during his vacation so I did hear from his occasionally. He also threw out the good friend line during his absence! I just thought-yeah, right..

 

Getting married young is tough-people go through so many changes during their 20's.. In my case, I think I had an "exit affair," where it was almost like I was looking for a reason to get out. I was just feeling very little connection with my husband and was very open to the positive attention of someone else. So-I think I would have gotten divorced anyway-not sure if it would have happened as fast. One good thing he did is help me realize that I did deserve better than what I was getting. I think that helped me realize that I didn't have to stay in my marriage. I do not regret getting divorced-I regret getting married! I have no doubt that the divorce was the right decision-my ex was completely hopeless on many levels! (bad family history, problems with alcohol/pot, a temper, decided he didn't want to have kids and I do, slacking career-sounds like a winner, huh?) I tolerated WAY too much and I won't do it again. I actually feel optimistic about my future relationships instead of miserable!

 

Have you talked to a therapist about your feelings regarding your marriage? Friends are okay, but a therapist is your best bet for expressing your feelings in a safe place. I have found it invaluable. I know divorce is a big scary step, and I think fear keeps people frozen, so they do nothing or get some of those needs taken care of on the side(aka affair) Talking to a therapist would help you examine the pros and cons of staying with him or getting a divorce. As long as you are having an affair, you are not really working on the problems in your marriage, you know?

 

Do you think your marriage is saveable?