kkittyny Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 I am 21. I have been clean and sober of of my love affair, cocain, for about 3 and a half months or so. I started using when I was towards the end of being 19. It started out as an occasionally thing, like most of my drug interactions had been previously. (I have tried a lot of things but never did 'one' thing habitually like C) When I would go out on the weekends, chances were I would do some. I really liked it because it worked so well with my personality. I love to talk and I love quick witty energetic people. And in the beginning that is what I found. I had great times. Coke enabled me to excellerate my mind, have the energy to stay up all night and to drink a lot of drinks and not feel too drunk, because I really hated that feeling. I think that was the main reason I liked cocain so much, becasue I really couldn't stand drinking and getting that gross, mellow drunk feeling that one gets...This enabled me to enjoy having cocktails...pretty interesting...so from the occasional usage on the weekends to, my coke usage statred to evolve and I started using a few times a week. I really enjoyed going to a friends house, getting high and spending hours talking. I didn't feel sexual on it EVER. Infact, just the opposite, I didnt want to be touched at all..it made me feel uncomfortable, that is why when I read about coke usage and they say that coke makes you sexual, I cringe at the thought of it..but that's just me. After the 1st year 1/2 of this occasionall recreational usage, things tok a turn for the worst. I moved up to Los Angeles and boy did I really put myself in one of the worst places I could be with a hobby like mine! I found myself getting bags for personal usage wherever I ent, to the clubs, to concerts, to private parties anywhere. I wouldnt go out if I didn't have it, and in the rare cases that I did go out without it, it in fact came with me...either in my mind where it drove me nuts to sit there and pretend to have a good time without it, or I would find it wherever I was at. Thats another thing about my experience with this drug, for 2 years straight this drug bacame more and more readlily availabke. Everywhere I went it was there, evbery person I met, be it at a grocery store or a bar from two different counties did it! It was like something out of the Twilight Zone! And the more scary part was towards the end of my cocain usage, the drug would come to me. I would be at home watching tv or realxing and a call would come from a person I knew to come out and do some...and I swear I didn't care what tiume of the night it was or what m,y responsibilites were the next day, I would drag myslef out of the house, heart beating slightly faster, hands clammy and dressed to kill, ready for the night on the town. I never used whisle I was alone, and I could turn it down a lot of the time, but I couldnt go out and truely have a good time without it. I Know it turned into a social addiction, like smoking while you drink...Iand I think that is one of the hardest things to kick. I also had a job and a boy friend and my love fopr this drug came first and everything else second. I remember parting for 2 even three days straight...just doing line after line and bag after bag...and the crazy part was that I was 20 at the time, 100 pounds ( boy did I keep the wieght off) and so much more unexperienced with this drug then the people I was doing it with for the most part, and I would outlast them all. Last person standing...I used to think that at 9:00am or so in the morning I was sitting there in all of my glory in my party clothes from 2 nights ago...caking on layaers of my makeup and sniffing trying to fix my face..is what I called it after the long ride...but still wanting to keep going.. It started to get really scary at that point and at the point that I would find myslef going with starnge guys at all hour of the night to there place or wherever and getting high then towards the aftyer fending their advances off for hours after hours while high, then end of the night or nights would come and if these strangers didn't get to hook up with me, which they never ever did, then They would kick me out of their house or leave me in the morning looking like shi** and drugged out on the street somewhere to get a taxi....It was awful. I know that I lost my boyfriend because of my erratic actions and drug usage..and he was my sould mate, the man I have loved with every inch of my heart and sole..the one....I also lost my job. So I moved into a room for rent, started doing bull shi* little jobs and modeling to support myself..the money was good though and that enabled me to be the perfect partner for my drug: No boyfriend, no family (we werent speaking at he time) only friends that accepted my new found permanent partner (coke) all the time in the world to come out an play and all the time in the world to lay around and recooperate and the means to do it...Wow, I didn't even plan to write that last part, it just came out and that is a really poetic disturbing analagy! So 3 and a half months later, I have reastablished connection with family and l;ost friends. I moved out of California and am liveing with my mom and step dad attending college doing 16 units (credits) at the moment and only going out on occasion with good sober friends (with the exception of alcohol) but I am even limiting that becasue sometimes it is hard to drink and not think about my old 'friend'. I feel really strong and have eveen thought about attending some meetings. I I have kept in contact with my love and he is sooooo proud of me and can't wait for the new transformed good hearted girl he knew I always was to emerge after college and be with him.. He is a truely wonderful man I love him so much it is gut wrenching to think about how this disgusting drug casued so much heart ache and loss and led to our demise. Things will only get better from here and I am so happy that I was saved...and that the person who saved me was ME. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Wow!! You have everything to be proud of! I wish you the best of luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Do you attend meetings? Sometimes it is REALLY helpful to have a support group that understands what you have been thru, are going thru, and issues still to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkittyny Posted September 12, 2004 Author Share Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by Fayebelle Do you attend meetings? Sometimes it is REALLY helpful to have a support group that understands what you have been thru, are going thru, and issues still to come. Not yet, I am looking for some, I am new to the area. I agree that the support you get from groups helps a lot. Thanks for the support! =) Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted September 12, 2004 Share Posted September 12, 2004 Also a hearty congratulations from me too! You are really strong and will live to see another day. Remind yourself of that each and every day. I tell myself over and over that I'm glad that I lived through my 20s. Peace! Link to post Share on other sites
pav186 Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Congrats. I was in the club scene for a while so I know what its like to have drugs around you all the time. I was lucky because I liked coke but didnt love it...my drug of choice was E. That s*** isnt even addicting and to this day if I listen to trance/house music I get the urge to do it again. I have several friends who got in too deep with coke, this one guy I used to work with just got out of rehab actually. 3 1/2 months is an eternity for someone like you when the thought of it is with you all the time so I'm very happy that you were able to get it under control. You don't have an of the denial that is such a huge problem for some people. I'm truly happy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkittyny Posted September 13, 2004 Author Share Posted September 13, 2004 Hey, thanks for sharing. I really appreciate that there are understanding supportive people out there. I feel so good to be off of it. and I am glad that I am not in denial. But Yes it has felt like an eternity...I just wonder if the feeling will ever go away of me wanting to do it occasionally. I went through my e fase....luckily I eneded up not likeing it..it got me too messed up...I didnt feel in control after a while on it and so I stopped doing it...it gave me a bad feeling after a couple times of doing it..though the first few times were great....good luck and have a good one! Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 This will help you find local NA meetings if you are interested. http://www.na.org/ There are also a lot of support sites on the web but IMHO it is best to have at least 1 group you can meet w/face to face. Link to post Share on other sites
pav186 Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 i'm not sure if it will ever go completely away...but my completely non scientific opinion is the longer you're not around it and have other things on your mind it may diminish. Def try to cut ties with the friends you made while using b/c if its anything like the people I was with, they werent real friends anyway, just drug buddies (with the exceptions of some good friends) but several people I only hung out with on fri and sat nights until 8am...haha Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 I totally agree with Fayebelle and Pav186... Meetings are a good idea. Staying away from the people you know who do it is essential! I moved to get away from the scene I was in... Link to post Share on other sites
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