Should I tell her how I feel right now?

[cipherblaze]

So right now, the two most important people in my life right now are my best friends. One's a guy, and we're long time friends, we really "get" each other. The other is a girl, and this brings up a question.

 

My female friend is a great person, I really feel like she is almost everything I've been looking for in someone. She's kind, caring, passionate, smart, talented, and we share so many things in common. Though we went to highschool together, we only really started hanging out around two years ago, and we're now best friends. I've suddenly realized I've developed some very strong feelings for her. She's important to me in many different ways, and I value our friendship just as much as the fact that someday we might be more. And I speculate that on some level she may return these feelings, she flirts with me, and is always telling me how much she misses me (she moved to out of state to finish up her degree), and how I should move up there to be with her. Lately she's also been talking about moving back home to be near me after she graduates, despite the fact she has a boyfriend up there. By her own admission, she and her boyfriend are constantly struggling with their relationship, she's told me they've already broken up twice within the past year and a half, and that they are so different from one another. Furthermore, she's thinking about coming home without him, as he doesn't want to move. She's constantly telling me how important I am to her, and how much she wishes we could be closer.

 

I don't really think my problems stem from a case of one-itis, it's not like I'm not dating other women, and it's not even that I don't find myself intensely attracted to other women, I make an effort to keep putting myself out there and meeting others. However, I would be lying to myself if I said there wasn't some hope we could get together.

 

So my question is: should I tell her about the feelings I have developed? I certainly would tell her if not for the current distance between us and the fact that she has a boyfriend, I feel like divulging this information at this point may not be the best course of action to take. On the other hand, I feel like she deserves to know. I feel like we have both been operating under the assumption that our relationship is one way, but these feelings that have come up between us change things, and she deserves to be aware of these changes. Yet I also feel that do tell her how I feel might put undeserved pressure on her, I feel like if I tell her how I feel, I'm pressuring her to return my feelings, and that this is a crummy thing to do if she is already in a relationship. If she wants to leave her boyfriend, that's good with me, but she must reach this conclusion on her own, and not with any manipulation from my end. I would never ask that she sacrifice parts of her life simply so that we could be together, rather I would ask that if the day comes that we are both single, she keep me in mind. So what should I do? Tell her, but only if she moves back and breaks up with her boyfriend (when that information would be most relevant)? Or tell her outright?

[ses]

I would strongly advise against telling her your feelings. As you've already mentioned let her reach the conclusion on her own without any outside influence or pressure. This is her decision to make. She has a boyfriend, and that should be enough reason for you to maintain your distance with her, irrespective of how much you want her. Don't try to rationalize your behavior by concluding she'll just fall into your arms after her own relationship goes kaput. Do you really want to be her rebound?

[sweetheart5381]

I would strongly advise against telling her your feelings. As you've already mentioned let her reach the conclusion on her own without any outside influence or pressure. This is her decision to make. She has a boyfriend, and that should be enough reason for you to maintain your distance with her, irrespective of how much you want her. Don't try to rationalize your behavior by concluding she'll just fall into your arms after her own relationship goes kaput. Do you really want to be her rebound?

 

I agree. If a woman wants to be with you, she will let you know one way or the other. Since she is already in a relationship you need to step back from your romantic interest in her and see her as a friend.

 

I'll give you a little insight about women, we prefer to be friends first... that is the ultimate test of a good man. We want to know that you are our friend AND our lover. Not just one or the other.