Relationship Crumbling

[Roy]

I am in a very nice relationship with a very sweet girl. We went out for 5 months and we wanted to have sex, however things did not work out the way we wanted, and ever since then I find it difficult to make love to her. She is very understanding and still loves me because we share other things and we have good communication. She is patient and we take it easy, no pressure whatsover, however, I can not get fully aroused when with her. I had my hormone level checked, they are fine. I don't think there is nothing wrong with me physically, but these events have dramatically effected my sexual desire in general. I was told that stress and depression make it worse, but I seem to be over it, and I try to make love to her, but it just can not work. We have been able to engage in oral sex a few times, but did not get to the intercourse.

 

I know this problem will ruin our relationship some day, and even if I eventually make love to someone else, I will always think back and be depressed that the only girl in my life with whom I am in love (I have never felt this way towards anyone) will not be with me anymore.

 

She is always saying not to look into the future and things will work out sooner or later, but I think she is saying this to make me feel good, in reality she probably gave me up on me, and she just can not work up the courage to leave me...

 

I know this is not a performance anxiety, because I am totally relaxed with her, what else could it be? I was told by many to leave her alone and try to get a new girl, not to make everything worse...

 

I will try anything and I mean ANYTHING, to eliminate this problem, if it could be eliminated at all. I don't want anyone else, I want her because I love her.

 

R

[Tony T]

You implied in your post that you tried to have sex the first time with her "and things did not work out the way we wanted." That is very vague but obviously you failed in some way and developed a performance anxiety of some sort as a result.

 

My first recommendation is that you go to a licensed medical ethical hypnotherapist. Taking your word that you have had a complete physical, you do not have diabetes, high blood pressure or any other abnormalities, hypnosis can work ideally in solving your problem.

 

It is very possible that this situation goes much deeper than you have indicated. If you have fallen for this girl because she somehow physically resembles a previous girlfriend...or even your mother (who may have died or abandoned you) can make having sex very difficult as well...but it is possible to do so with help. Intercourse may have a very deep meaning for you, including a major committment, and this girl sounds like the marrying type for sure. You may somehow be terrified of the intimacy and resulting committment that would come from it. You need to look into that as well.

 

You may have been in this relationship so long without having sexual content that you have begun seeing her as a good friend rather than a lover. This could prevent you from becomming aroused. If this is the case, a separation for some bit of time may be the cure.

 

What you are experiencing is serious and should be dealt with that way. Besides a hypnotherapist, you may want to see a psychiatrist who specializes in sexual dysfunction.

 

I completely agree with you that if you don't get to the bottom of this, you may regret it in the future. This girl sounds too good to be true, seems extremely understanding.

 

Your problem is far too complicated and serious to rely upon an Internet forum for a cure. However, I think we can give you some advice and put you in a direction for your situation to be corrected.

 

There may be others who view your post who have had the same problem and they may make some suggestions.

 

Normally, the inability to achieve an erection is due to inadequate visual stimulation, effects of medication, job, family or financial stress, physical problems such as diabetes, high blood pressure, certain diseases of the heart, etc., excessive masturbation, and other factors.

 

I hope you will systematically go through the inventory of possible causes with trained experts and get to the bottom of this. I really think you will be just fine since you are very open and willing to do whatever is necessary.

[Deejette]

It is supposedly very rare for impotence to be caused by physical factors and it is mostly a psychological issue. The problem is that each time sex is approached the impotent guy has anxiety that this time it won't work either. So the expectation for failure is already set up.

 

Tony's advice is good and you need to have help with this. Your gf sounds understanding and she hasn't left you yet. You can work this out, especially because you really love her. She might even be able to go to some of the therapy sessions with you so you both can learn how to help you in this situation.

You implied in your post that you tried to have sex the first time with her "and things did not work out the way we wanted." That is very vague but obviously you failed in some way and developed a performance anxiety of some sort as a result. My first recommendation is that you go to a licensed medical ethical hypnotherapist. Taking your word that you have had a complete physical, you do not have diabetes, high blood pressure or any other abnormalities, hypnosis can work ideally in solving your problem. It is very possible that this situation goes much deeper than you have indicated. If you have fallen for this girl because she somehow physically resembles a previous girlfriend...or even your mother (who may have died or abandoned you) can make having sex very difficult as well...but it is possible to do so with help. Intercourse may have a very deep meaning for you, including a major committment, and this girl sounds like the marrying type for sure. You may somehow be terrified of the intimacy and resulting committment that would come from it. You need to look into that as well. You may have been in this relationship so long without having sexual content that you have begun seeing her as a good friend rather than a lover. This could prevent you from becomming aroused. If this is the case, a separation for some bit of time may be the cure. What you are experiencing is serious and should be dealt with that way. Besides a hypnotherapist, you may want to see a psychiatrist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. I completely agree with you that if you don't get to the bottom of this, you may regret it in the future. This girl sounds too good to be true, seems extremely understanding. Your problem is far too complicated and serious to rely upon an Internet forum for a cure. However, I think we can give you some advice and put you in a direction for your situation to be corrected.

 

There may be others who view your post who have had the same problem and they may make some suggestions. Normally, the inability to achieve an erection is due to inadequate visual stimulation, effects of medication, job, family or financial stress, physical problems such as diabetes, high blood pressure, certain diseases of the heart, etc., excessive masturbation, and other factors. I hope you will systematically go through the inventory of possible causes with trained experts and get to the bottom of this. I really think you will be just fine since you are very open and willing to do whatever is necessary.