Subpar sex life. Husband doesn't want to have sex with me.

[Positivelyhappy88]

I am always trying to have sex with my husband but he doesn't take me seriously and when he has sex with me about once a month its boring and passionless.

I have never reached orgasm or even gotten close to it with my husband . He knows this and makes no effort to help me get there. I just lay there and wait for him to climax. He says that my body will change as I age and then I'll be able to climax :/ he's 40 and I'm 22 so maybe this is normal for a 40 year old guy, is it?

I have spoken to him about it numerous times but it's always the same thing he says he always wants to have sex with me but when I try to he rejects me. I feel like I'm the only one really trying to keep our sex life alive and I'm getting tired of it I feel like I should just stop trying to have sex with him altogether and reject him when he tries once a month and maybe he will realize how often we don't sex.

I have literally tried everything I love my husband, but it upsets me that this is happening what should I do?

[Poppy fields]

He sounds like a selfish and lazy lover. You deserve better than that, and the only way to get it is through communication with your husband. First of all, tell him that BS about not being able to climax until you are older is not going to fly. You guys need to find a way TOGETHER to get you there. He should be patient and understanding if he loves you and cares about your sexual satisfaction.

 

If he refuses to communicate and work on your issues, that is a big red flag that there is trouble in your marriage and you should probably seek outside counseling. It may help him to realize that your requests of a normal and healthy sex life in a committed relationship are normal and healthy if he hears it from an outside party.

[diipii]

"I just lay there and wait for him to climax"

 

Does not sound like fun. Or sexy. Or something that would encourage any man.

[Mr. Lucky]

he's 40 and I'm 22 so maybe this is normal for a 40 year old guy, is it?

Why would you marry someone twice your age ???

 

How long have you been married? What was your sex life like before marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Positivelyhappy88]

He sounds like a selfish and lazy lover. You deserve better than that, and the only way to get it is through communication with your husband. First of all, tell him that BS about not being able to climax until you are older is not going to fly. You guys need to find a way TOGETHER to get you there. He should be patient and understanding if he loves you and cares about your sexual satisfaction.

 

If he refuses to communicate and work on your issues, that is a big red flag that there is trouble in your marriage and you should probably seek outside counseling. It may help him to realize that your requests of a normal and healthy sex life in a committed relationship are normal and healthy if he hears it from an outside party.

 

Mr. Lucky, I would've never thought I'd be married to someone twice nearly twice my age it just happened. He responded a little more in the beginning we've been together for almost 2 years but he says he doesn't want try so much if I never orgasm.

 

Poppy, We communicate great for everything but it's almost like he doesn't think it's that big of a deal when I bring it up maybe since there aren't any other issues in our relationship. Every time he gives me that explanation that basically I have to wait ten years I tell him it's absurd that he isn't making an effort to get me there at all. I know you are so right that we need to work on it together and I also tell him that but again he just brushes it off like its no big deal.

 

Diipii, I'm not going to act like I'm enjoying it. I go out of my way almost everyday trying to get him to have sex with me I have tried everything he ignores me for Facebook games, pc games,video games you name it. If he decides to do it with me I go all out on him foreplay, oral everything he likes and then he reciprocates none of it so while he's fully aroused I'm still as dry as a desert and when he penetrates me it doesn't feel good at all so I just wait for him to finish cuz its obvious he's not interested in pleasing me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky, I would've never thought I'd be married to someone twice nearly twice my age it just happened. He responded a little more in the beginning we've been together for almost 2 years but he says he doesn't want try so much if I never orgasm.

It just happened like you went to sleep one night and woke up married the next morning ???

 

Positivelyhappy88, you chose to date him, be engaged to him and marry him. And if his response during courtship was only "a little more" when ardor and passion would normally be at its zenith, why the complaint now? He sounds like he's been fairly consistent in his response.

 

You've gotten where you are one decision at a time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I am always trying to have sex with my husband but he doesn't take me seriously and when he has sex with me about once a month its boring and passionless.

I have never reached orgasm or even gotten close to it with my husband . He knows this and makes no effort to help me get there. I just lay there and wait for him to climax. He says that my body will change as I age and then I'll be able to climax :/ he's 40 and I'm 22 so maybe this is normal for a 40 year old guy, is it?

I have spoken to him about it numerous times but it's always the same thing he says he always wants to have sex with me but when I try to he rejects me. I feel like I'm the only one really trying to keep our sex life alive and I'm getting tired of it I feel like I should just stop trying to have sex with him altogether and reject him when he tries once a month and maybe he will realize how often we don't sex.

I have literally tried everything I love my husband, but it upsets me that this is happening what should I do?

 

How long have you two been married?

 

Something is wrong here. Is he depressed or have any medical issues?

 

Can you cum or have an orgasm on your own though?

 

NO it isn't normal for a 40 year old man.

 

Tell him how you feel when he rejects you. Be honest! Instead of doing a tit for tat thing, maybe if he knew that it hurts your feelings, makes you feel like he doesn't love you or want you, he'll put more effort in.

 

How is the rest of your marriage?

[whichwayisup]

I go all out on him foreplay, oral everything he likes and then he reciprocates none of it so while he's fully aroused I'm still as dry as a desert and when he penetrates me it doesn't feel good at all so I just wait for him to finish cuz its obvious he's not interested in pleasing me.

 

This stood out. Maybe you love him, but aren't sexually attracted to him enough to even get turned on enough to have an O or even cum? You say bone dry. So if you are pleasing him, do you not get turned on, get wet?

 

This isn't healthy and it will ruin your marriage as time goes on. It'll get worse.

[Positivelyhappy88]

I was raped at 14 years old by a 21 year old guy and my parents decided it be best if he married me instead causing a "scandal" and calling the police so I spent 4 years being raped by my ex husband. At 17 I decided to stop being his victim left and got a divorce. I went to college got my degree and soon after met my current husband who had also been a victim of abuse we had a lot in common and had an instant attraction that wasn't just physical.

 

I don't regret being with him at all I love him. He is a great man and I feel blessed to have him as my husband. I just feel that maybe he gave up trying because he wasn't getting any results. It has always been a complaint since the beginning of our relationship so its not news to him. I didn't consider it a huge problem initially since, due to my past, sex has never been an enjoyable experience for me. I guess I feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong as far as seducing goes...idk

[coffeebean201]

He has to realize that this is important to you.

 

And then maybe he'll adjust his lifestyle to make room for bringing physical joy into your relationship.

 

It may be a 2 steps forward, 1 step back process.

 

Maybe while he catches up to you, try bringing joy to your own life with nice bath salts, scented lotions, pedicure etc. Anything that makes you feel physically good about yourself.

[Nyla]

I was raped at 14 years old by a 21 year old guy and my parents decided it be best if he married me instead causing a "scandal" and calling the police so I spent 4 years being raped by my ex husband. At 17 I decided to stop being his victim left and got a divorce. I went to college got my degree and soon after met my current husband who had also been a victim of abuse we had a lot in common and had an instant attraction that wasn't just physical.

 

I don't regret being with him at all I love him. He is a great man and I feel blessed to have him as my husband. I just feel that maybe he gave up trying because he wasn't getting any results. It has always been a complaint since the beginning of our relationship so its not news to him. I didn't consider it a huge problem initially since, due to my past, sex has never been an enjoyable experience for me. I guess I feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong as far as seducing goes...idk

 

Do you mind if I ask what your nationality is? Forcing a daughter to marry a rapist to save face doesn't seem normal in this society.

 

You still have issues with sex from being sexually assaulted. Having sexual difficulties is extremely common for women who are traumatized by rape. Have you ever seen a counselor for those issues?

 

I'm guessing that your husband seemed like a "safe" choice because of his low sex drive. Perhaps you were also looking for a father figure as well. Your sexual issues along with having a selfish lover as a husband are the reasons you are not fulfilled. Therapy is needed for your sexual trauma as well as an honest discussion with your husband about what you need in bed.

 

Sometimes significant age difference can cause challenges in the bedroom. Older men often make more sensual and romantic lovers but sometimes they cannot keep up with the sex drive of younger wives. My sex drive is abnormally high for a woman; I want sex every night! My husband has retarded ejaculation if we make love too often, so we compromise with four times a week. He is eight years my senior.

[Techie Artist]

twice my age

 

he says he doesn't want try so much if I never orgasm.

 

We communicate great

 

he gives me that explanation that basically I have to wait ten years

but again he just brushes it off like its no big deal.

 

I'm not going to act like I'm enjoying it. I go out of my way almost everyday trying to get him to have sex with me I have tried everything he ignores me for Facebook games, pc games,video games you name it.

 

its obvious he's not interested in pleasing me.

 

PH88, PLEASE reread what I've left in your quote box. It's disturbing!

 

My husband (H) is 8 years older than me, and I find it to be a real problem. He's fat and lazy, and used to be an average lover. I feel like I can give you some insight. I'll be blunt. It only gets worse as he gets older. Do you plan on humping this cold senior porker for 35 more years? Sex is an indicator of the relationship.

 

You say you two communicate well, but the above statements are contradictory. He can't communicate well with words and at the same time be abysmal with his body talk. His actions speak louder. If he can't take the time -- like what else would a guy prefer to do??? -- to pleasure you (which should peak his manhood), then why do you just lie there? He's treating you like a whore.

 

You past traumas are shaping how you interact, and it is not healthy. You need counseling like yesterday.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Techie Artist
clarified post

[Nyla]

PH88, PLEASE reread what I've left in your quote box. It's disturbing!

 

My husband (H) is 8 years older than me, and I find it to be a real problem. He's fat and lazy, and used to be an average lover. I feel like I can give you some insight. I'll be blunt. It only gets worse as he gets older. Do you plan on humping this cold senior porker for 35 more years? Sex is an indicator of the relationship.

 

You say you two communicate well, but the above statements are contradictory. He can't communicate well with words and at the same time be abysmal with his body talk. His actions speak louder. If he can't take the time -- like what else would a guy prefer to do??? -- to pleasure you (which should peak his manhood), then why do you just lie there? He's treating you like a whore.

 

You past traumas are shaping how you interact, and it is not healthy. You need counseling like yesterday.

 

My husband is eight years older than me as well. He is a stallion but he cannot be intimate with me every night as I would like. Yeah, I love sex way too much.

[NervisPervis]

but aren't sexually attracted to him enough to even get turned on enough to have an O or even cum?

 

OK. I'll bite. What's the difference? I thought they were the same thing.

 

Oh, OP. You're his "beard". Google it.

[Positivelyhappy88]

Update:

I kept bringing up the topic until he realized that it was something that was truly bothering me, and we finally sat down and really figured out why things seemed gloomy in the bedroom. It ended up just both of us having inhibitions that we needed to let go and it has made a huge difference we're both really enjoying ourselves now. Thanks for the replies.

[ConstantVoyager]

If some guy said that I had to wait 10 years to orgasm with him, I would smile and say, "Okay, see you then!"

 

But, on a more serious note. You're both victims of sexual abuse. Go to IC, MC and a sex therapist ASAP. Your sex life may be salvageable.

 

If he's not willing to do that work, I'd leave.

Edited October 30, 2013 by ConstantVoyager

[oldshirt]

No it's NOT normal nor even healthy for a 40 year old man to be that passive and lackluster about sex.....especially with a 22 year old wife.

 

I am 49 years old and if I ever have a shot at a 22 year old I would crawl through twisted steel and rusty thumbtacks and jump through rings of fire to make sure that I ravaged her good and thoroughly satisfied her whenever she was in the mood.

 

I agree with the others, there is a big problem here that will probably require professional therapy, providing you even wish to try to continue the marriage.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

Cheat. lol

[crederer]

I was raped at 14 years old by a 21 year old guy and my parents decided it be best if he married me instead causing a "scandal" and calling the police so I spent 4 years being raped by my ex husband. At 17 I decided to stop being his victim left and got a divorce. I went to college got my degree and soon after met my current husband who had also been a victim of abuse we had a lot in common and had an instant attraction that wasn't just physical.

 

 

Wow. I'm sorry your parents were more worried about their image than your personal well being. I can't believe there are people out there that are that selfish and delusional.

 

It sounds to me like you aren't attracted to him physically, he is a selfish lover and you are afraid to communicate about it with him. It's only going to get worse, his sexual prime is behind him, and yours is in front of you. By the time you hit your sexual peak he's going to be in his mid 60's......

 

This is why I never understand women dating and marrying much much older men. Seems very short sighted.

[Nyla]

I am always trying to have sex with my husband but he doesn't take me seriously and when he has sex with me about once a month its boring and passionless.

I have never reached orgasm or even gotten close to it with my husband . He knows this and makes no effort to help me get there. I just lay there and wait for him to climax. He says that my body will change as I age and then I'll be able to climax :/ he's 40 and I'm 22 so maybe this is normal for a 40 year old guy, is it?

I have spoken to him about it numerous times but it's always the same thing he says he always wants to have sex with me but when I try to he rejects me. I feel like I'm the only one really trying to keep our sex life alive and I'm getting tired of it I feel like I should just stop trying to have sex with him altogether and reject him when he tries once a month and maybe he will realize how often we don't sex.

I have literally tried everything I love my husband, but it upsets me that this is happening what should I do?

 

In my experience, older men are better lovers. It is one of the reasons my husband is 8 years my senior. We have a wonderful time in bed and he will be 40 next February. He is passionate, romantic and sensual. My husband knows how to touch a woman and he is a very considerate lover.

 

What made you decide to marry such an old man? Did he have a lot of money or do you have some father issues? I am only asking to make sense of your situation. Most women who like older men have some kind of psychological father wound.

 

If your husband does nothing to change the situation, you will have to decide if you want to have awful sex for the rest of your life. You are a very young woman and there is no need for you to put up with this.

[Nyla]

Wow. I'm sorry your parents were more worried about their image than your personal well being. I can't believe there are people out there that are that selfish and delusional.

 

It sounds to me like you aren't attracted to him physically, he is a selfish lover and you are afraid to communicate about it with him. It's only going to get worse, his sexual prime is behind him, and yours is in front of you. By the time you hit your sexual peak he's going to be in his mid 60's......

 

This is why I never understand women dating and marrying much much older men. Seems very short sighted.

 

I dated much older men when I was single. Though I had some lovely experiences, there were some bad ones that were very scarring.

 

My husband's extra eight years are mostly a good thing. I do worry about him entering his forties while I am still in my early thirties.

[Tayla]

Some ladies prefer making love and having intimacy. Guys simply are in another camp called Sex. Its devoid of intimacy or signs of showing loving motions.

Somehow in a marriage or a relationship...the two camps need to come together.

 

I can identify 100% with the OP's dilema. Lovemaking is mutual exchange...He seems to be missing that part....

 

His scoffing it off and not taking it serious is a red flag. Age and "normal" have less to do with it. Did he get this way after the rings went on? Usually performance in pleasing the mate is there from the get go...Losing interest needs addressed....Sounds like you have done that...

You are too young to spend your thriving years being downcast for wanting a lively intimate relation...He should be complimented that you desire him..

[Nyla]

Some ladies prefer making love and having intimacy. Guys simply are in another camp called Sex. Its devoid of intimacy or signs of showing loving motions.

Somehow in a marriage or a relationship...the two camps need to come together.

 

I can identify 100% with the OP's dilema. Lovemaking is mutual exchange...He seems to be missing that part....

 

His scoffing it off and not taking it serious is a red flag. Age and "normal" have less to do with it. Did he get this way after the rings went on? Usually performance in pleasing the mate is there from the get go...Losing interest needs addressed....Sounds like you have done that...

You are too young to spend your thriving years being downcast for wanting a lively intimate relation...He should be complimented that you desire him..

 

You cannot say that all "guys are in another camp called Sex". That is a sexist and untrue statement. My husband is all about romance and he isn't the only man I have been with who is about lovemaking. When a man is in love with a woman, he wants to make love to her.

[Philosoraptor]

This thread was started in March, the OP came back nearly 7 months later and posted this:

Update:

I kept bringing up the topic until he realized that it was something that was truly bothering me, and we finally sat down and really figured out why things seemed gloomy in the bedroom. It ended up just both of us having inhibitions that we needed to let go and it has made a huge difference we're both really enjoying ourselves now. Thanks for the replies.

 

Just FYI to those who want to quickly respond to the original post without reading any followups.... scan the thread.