AnotherRound Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 i think you can try to educate yourself as much as possible to willingly disclose to the BS, but you will never be able to predict the reactions of the BS....and depending on the reaction, you will not be able to predict the counter reaction of the WS. This is a great site and extremely helpful to WS and BS who wish to reconcile. It also has one of the few forums for WSs to share their journey and help one another. Thanks for posting it. No problem. I thought it was a very interesting site (and well expressed and such too) and found it educational for myself. Hope you all can get something out of it too. Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 good post. IMO, the term hysterical bonding is a bit "pop-culture" like the terms 'closure' 'compartmentalization' etc. "make-up sex" is a more accurate term and one that most people, regardless of their relatiohship status, will understand. I think a lot of AP don't like the idea of hysterical bonding/make-up sex because they hate the idea of the MP they are involved with going home and having frequent, off the walls sex with their spouse. So AP like to "rip" on the idea of hysterical bonding because it is a threat to their relationship with the MP. Even if the great make-up sex between the MP and the BS (I'm using the terms interchangeably so that no one gets upset) doesn't lead to the marriage recovering, it is still a threat to the MP for that uncertain time after d-day. After all, who wants to be sitting home with a silent cellphone wondering where/what the MP is doing with their BS in bed? Exactly! Make up sex is really the exact same thing as hysterical bonding. The "experts" just decided to give it a fancier name for affair related purposes! And yes, it just makes sense that OW loathe to think.that hot sex continues between the husband and wife even after the affair is outed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I wasn't triggered. I find the comments in this thread, reading that a list of OW know how MM and BS behave, and why, quite arrogant. Most OW here are truly offended when BS 'blames' them for the A, and yet any R is just the BS doing whatever they can to 'trap' the H to stay. The double standard is staggering. It's really nothing to do with my history. My H had ended the A well before I discovered it, and it was a LD EA with no chance for physical activity, so while there was HB, it wasn't to 'prove' I was better or anything of the sort. Again, the insinuations that OW know the marriage dynamics better than the BS is insulting, and a HUGE double standard. BSs are taken for fools on this site often, and for shrews, crazy people, bitter, etc. The reality is that a BS is a woman that the MM has decided isn't someone they want to leave. The BS is a woman the MM wanted to marry and wants to remain married to. Yes, the BS is lied to during the A and may be a fool for believing such stupid lies, but who is really the stupid one? The BS has no idea that MM is lying and it's obviously out of character for him. The OW, on the other hand, knows full well she's dealing with a liar, and yet somehow thinks she is not being lied to, and is shocked when the MM stays with the BS. Really, does that make any sense at all? I honestly think its a coping mechanism on OWs part to.minimize any reconciliation efforts. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I actually think it's desperation on the part of the AP. They already feel the MP will choose their spouse, so they are insidiously trying to snake their way into the MP's head, hoping against all hope that the cheater will choose them if they just "train" them properly. And avoid that fear-based, inauthentic, done in desperation and panic amazing sex whether reconciliation remains on the horizon or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I wasn't triggered. I find the comments in this thread, reading that a list of OW know how MM and BS behave, and why, quite arrogant. Most OW here are truly offended when BS 'blames' them for the A, and yet any R is just the BS doing whatever they can to 'trap' the H to stay. The double standard is staggering. It's really nothing to do with my history. My H had ended the A well before I discovered it, and it was a LD EA with no chance for physical activity, so while there was HB, it wasn't to 'prove' I was better or anything of the sort. Again, the insinuations that OW know the marriage dynamics better than the BS is insulting, and a HUGE double standard. BSs are taken for fools on this site often, and for shrews, crazy people, bitter, etc. The reality is that a BS is a woman that the MM has decided isn't someone they want to leave. The BS is a woman the MM wanted to marry and wants to remain married to. Yes, the BS is lied to during the A and may be a fool for believing such stupid lies, but who is really the stupid one? The BS has no idea that MM is lying and it's obviously out of character for him. The OW, on the other hand, knows full well she's dealing with a liar, and yet somehow thinks she is not being lied to, and is shocked when the MM stays with the BS. Really, does that make any sense at all? Gently - you seem as if you are triggering. You made a lot of assumptions and added a lot that you thought I was saying - when I said what I meant, and meant what I said. So, I will see myself out of this convo as it is obviously triggering you. My apologies - I hope that you find healing and peace sooner rather than later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I don't see what she wrote as "triggering" at all...simply an observation of how she's perceived the interactions on these two forums between these two groups of people recently. Tremendous difference, and kind of surprising that it's not as clear to everyone that this isn't "triggering". Triggering presents itself MUCH differently. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Skylarblue, Will you please refresh my memory* Are you w/the man who was/is M, that you had the A with? I am only trying to gain an understanding in my head how this would go and it would help to know if the discussions and preparing lead to a successful transition either through a D-day or voluntary exposure. Did WS learning of the A dynamics and running through the different D-day/exposure scenarios help and if so how? ( I hope I am not coming across any other way than sincere) I know the thread has kinda spread into other topics, but to answer your post I am not with MM. I'm don't know if I can help in answering your question because xMM wasn't looking to transition out of his M or plotting/preparing for a dday or interested in learning the tricks of the trade for a successful one. What we discussed about pre- and post dday were things like rehearsing what I was to say or do if contacted/confronted, or which lies would sound most believable to tell her on whichever occasions or what he has told her. We didn't discuss things for him to have a successful dday, but we did discuss/analyze things on dday: why did she react like she did, whether she was employing some type of strategy, what and how much did she know and what was the best way to tackle it. Basically, just trying to figure out what moves she was going to make so he could be prepared. Well, I guess in a way we were preparing for a successful dday in the sense of "successful" meaning avoiding and dodging consequence and backlash, but I don't think our discussing it gave him any type of education or advantage. He would have reacted how he reacted regardless. I don't think that's the way that you meant though. I'm sorry I couldn't have been more helpful. IMO the only type of successful dday is one that is done in complete honesty (that is a proper dday). xMM's dday was not successful, he was, at further detriment to his W. I wouldn't call the advantage gained from a disingenuous, deceit-ridden, ulterior motive motivated reaction to dday a success. I'd call it f*ckin' bullsh*t. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingInHot Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 SkylerBlue, Thanks for your reply. You explained it just right meaning in a way I could understand what happened in your situation. I Really appreciate it!* Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingInHot Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 soooooo, I am kind of (painfully) keeping up w/another thread where the WS has pretty much educated Himself and I think BY himself (meaning I don't Think the OW has tried to guide or inform him of A dynamics) as to A dynamics and consequences and I'd say he knows & understands more than most people about infidelity. Thing is, with all of the information garnered here at LS and other research done, I don't see this WS behaving any differently than one jumping in blind from love/lust/"A fog" etc... It will be interesting to see what happens when things come out... I'm beginning to see all the education and research in the world doesn't necessarily change one's choices* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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