Stuck In America - The Breakup and the Mess.

[jamwinswim]

At the moment Im in England, taking my break. This is real NC - as real as it can possibly be. I dont know what she is doing, and she has no idea what Im doing. Its been tough though, tougher than I expected. I look around and think memories of when she visited home with me for Xmas, of happier times when I meant the world to her. Its tough, but my friends and family have been very supportive, and Im actually taking more control of things being away. I think about her alot, of course. But there is nothing I can do, and shes turning into an evil spiteful person against me, then why should I care? Hurting, you know it, but Im not gonna be dumb about this. I once told her that i'd let her go if she wanted to go, now its time to uphold my word.

 

Steve - thanks for the reply, and sorry its been a few days to reply. Ive been really busy enjoying the homelife whilst I can, and at that, its always good to hear from a fellow Brit. Im glad that you found this place by accident, I think we all did, but everyones experiences helps us with our own. Your relationship sounds familiar to mine - 1 yr, her being an "L", and everything youre going through ive been through. Its very tough, Im not going to lie, and sadly for me it doesnt look like it will end up where it was before. But... I wish the very best for everyone else, whether it be with or without their ex's. And it sounds like as if things are working in the right direction for you. You know, I may have made my own mistakes, and I might not get my girl back ever, but hopefully my experiences will help others from making their own. At least with the things u are doing, u are doing them from the heart and with kindness. Ive tried the kindness route, and its been slammed back in my face. Its sad, its disappointing, but its not going to keep me down - I will learn from this experience, and be a hell of a lot tougher because of it.

 

Steve, thanks for writing, and let us know how this weekend went, and how its been for you lately. Take care mate.

[bigacesteve]

When my relationship with B (previous ex) ended I tried everything to sort things out. I think the most difficult thing to stomach was being told that she still loved me, that I was her dream bloke and that everything was perfect about me to her. It made me want to try and sort things out so bad. BUT she just wouldn't let me back into her life. I spent years trying to figure out what I did wrong. She was absolutely vile to me and I just kept going back for more because I thought I loved her. We did get back together a number of times. It would start off amazing but rapidly she would be nasty with me again. My mind was always trying to figure out what I had done wrong and I'd forget about how nasty she had been and I'd only remember the good old times. I finally came to the conclusion that I had done nothing wrong and there was nothing I could or should do to rebuild this painful relationship. If she couldn't even speak to me in a proper manner that I deserved what was the point? I finally moved out of the area where we both lived and moved in with my 2 best mates. Straight away I felt better because there were no reminders.

 

You really need to have a good think; do you really deserve what is happening to you? I very much doubt it. You have a chance now whilst you are 1000's of miles away to enjoy yourself, become you again, stop worrying about her because there is nothing you can do whilst you're over here mate. Use this time to get your game face on, go sharking as my mates call it. Go flirt with the British ladies and take some time out from all this worry, rebuild the skills. I think about what I put myself through all those years ago and I find it so funny now. I bumped into B's mother yesterday and we chatted but I got away as quickly as possible, I do not want to get into all that again!

 

Things with L seem to be going well but I've been here before and I'm taking it steady. Sunday was our 1 year anniversary when we first met so I went around with flowers. She liked them a lot and we had a laugh and it got good but we didn't take it too far. I spoke to her Monday night and she was really stressing about moving out of her dads next Sunday. I talked with her for about an hour and we managed to sort a lot of her problems out. Later that night I had a phone call and it was L asking if I wanted to come around. I went around and we talked, it got a bit more physical and we were quite close to you know what. We then both stopped and decided that it was too soon and that we'd just be rushing back into things. Plus her dad came upstairs and the lock was locked on her door. We set up a date to meet tonight so I'll keep you posted.

 

Whilst all this is going on I am still looking for another woman. I flirt with the ladies and I get attention and it feels good, I take it no further but if things go terribly wrong I do not want to be trying to rescue a gone relationship for a number of years again whilst trying to kickstart my self-confidence. Also, what if I accidentally find someone even better? I don't think I will but that wouldn't be such a bad thing, would it?

 

I want L back so badly but I will not wreck myself doing it, I'm 28 and there is more to life.

 

The biggest kick up the arse for me was when I lost my friend 'Paul Mellor' nearly 2 years ago. He was 25 and as fit as a fiddle (very fit and healthy). He had quit smoking for 2 years and was about to move in with his girlfriend. He was the most lively, funny and happiest person I'd ever met. He died of a heart attack whilst running on a treadmill.

When I feel totally gutted about what is happening in my life and I feel so down and sick of everything, I think of him. I think of me having something he no longer has and it puts things into perspective. He used to always listen to my woman troubles and even now he is still helping me.

 

Good luck J with it all, I hope she comes to her senses and lets you back into her life. But don't forget to look after yourself, put yourself first for once and get out there.

 

'You're only here once' - my dad

[bigacesteve]

As soon as I sent that message I got a call from L and she's really flued up. She was at work yesterday and got sent home because she was so ill. So not seeing her tonight but she says we'll go out later in the week when she's a bit better.

 

Nevermind I can go out with my old kickboxing instructor tonight and catch up. He's my best mate and I've neglected him for a while now. He told me off the other day and told me I'd better stay in touch.

 

Gives me more time also to plan a good night out with L and get some new threads.

 

Good luck everyone.

[Nick14]

Yep, I can tell how you guys feel. I haven't heard from my ex since the middle of september, when i came over on my own will and said we need to talk. She said "things were just different, she felt like she didn't know me anymore (bunch of crock of course) and that she tried". We went out for 2 and half years and she dropped a bomb on me at the end of august. I was her first b/f and this was a girl who I can see myself with for the rest of my life. After the breakup, I couldn't stand it. I bugged and bugged her for a week and then for the 2nd week it was like 4 days out of that week I did. Finally it tapered off after I saw her and we talked and how she didn't feel things and that things can't be fixed again. As I left, I told her that I always will love you and you know where i am if you ever need me or want to try again. I even said, I want to try being friends but she said "no not right now" because when I bugged her I freaked her out, because i was so emotionally upset and just crying like i never cried before. So, I left her by saying, I'll always be there for you, I just hope your not making a mistake.

 

After that, I just didn't contact her and in the first week of october, I finally did, only because I found out she finally cashed my check I gave to her to help her out with her bills that I promised I help her out with back in mid-august (it was my choice, being a loving b/f I am). So, instead of calling her (i am sure she won't pick up) I just texted her saying "I am glad you finally cashed in that check even though you went back on your word and told me you are not going too, cause it doesn't feel right, but that i am not mad, I just hope your ok". So, of course no reply, no call back from her, I am not surprised really. Just kinda sucks she took me off her AIM and MSN list (i can tell because, other people can see her but I can't)so that sucks. A month and 2 weeks and it still sucks, i am going out with some guys tonight, go shopping, get new clothes and go out and see what happens. I am a guy who is shy but, its wierd trying to get back to basics after so long of a relationship, I'll just be myself and try my best. But I do miss her and I'll probably either call her in November and just see how she is doing and be postive, who knows.

[jamwinswim]

Guys,

 

thanks for your replies. I know its been a while since I've said anything on here, but I've been in a bit of a flummox. You see the day to day changing in emotions and stuff have begun to run their course, and now I dont speak with her at all. I have no need to call this girl if im gonna get jekyl or hyde, there is no need in getting myself hurt and upset.

 

Does this hurt or upset me? Well, I still think about her. Of course I will, its only natural. I still ask myself the same why questions now, and how she can be so...... "distance". I remember when we broke up, her empty promises about wanting to be best friends and saying that she didnt want me to leave for England. Sigh. I dont know why I allow myself to get upset over it. Its been about 6-7 weeks now, but i still wrestle with my emotions. I go to sleep, shes on my mind, I wake up, shes on my mind. But I ask myself now, would I date her again? And to be honest, I have no answer either yes or no. I really don't know. I don't know very much right now.

 

Steve - Im glad to hear things are going better for you. I have my fingers crossed for you bud, and keep us updated on how things go back over there in mighty england. I hear what you're saying about everything, Im just happy that things are going better for you and you have a control of things. I have a control of things, but Im still.... not hurting as bad, just tender.

 

Nick - Im sorry things arent as groovy for you - thats two of us right? It strange because when I see another persons similar issues, I tell them that they are better for it cause that girl obviously treats them like **it. And then when its your own situation, suddenly the emotions come in and you cant accept the same answer. Pretty pathetic really. But I feel your pain, and I hope if you've read this whole novel of heartache, that it helps you out. You're not the only one suffering buddy - We all just need to get out of the rut. Its a shame she's changed into such a *itch, but thats exactly it - shes changed. And Ive done the exact same things as you - pleading, trying logic.... sadly it doesnt work with women (ever). lol. Be strong buddy.

 

I have my good days, I have my bad days. But at least now I realise that I dont need to be in contact with her because chances are it would just get me more upset. Its a shame really, but thats how the cookie crumbles, and these are the cards I've been dealt. Only time will squash this demon......(or a fantastic new girl lol)

[jamwinswim]

I dont know where to start. Yeha its been a month, and ive started to do a lot better. Moving on and getting on with things, but me and the ex started to talk. We even had dinner last week, and just general friendly chit chat. But after that, I was basically thinking this isnt going to work. And then when I was trying to get in contact with her last week, and failing, I thought screw this. Screw the drama, Im not putting up with it anymore. I never thought it was another guy that could be involved, I believed her when she said that she wanted ot be by herself for a while...... well it all falls into place.

 

Today I find out shes seeing or somewhat involved with another guy. How do I know this..... well someone sent me a picture from a party where they were kissing - thats all I needed to see. This was the same guy that I told her a while back was hunting her down, who she said was just gonna be "friends". F*ck. Im so in rage right now.... but why? Im pizzed of course. The last bit of respect I had for her just went out of the door. So much for the "i need to be by myself for a while". Bollocks. 2 months and with another guy. Is it for lust? Probably not, she said she wanted to stop the sex thing a while back because of religion, but anything right now can only be taken at face. She is more religious now, I know that, but what a *hore. F*ck. And she still has my photos up in her room.... what the hell. F8ck this. Im pizzed off. Hugely. Closure - I just got closure slammed in my face. I wanted my life with this girl, well...... made a huge mistake. I should be disappointed in myself for making such a silly decision. Yeah last week I was thinking screw this, which was great - but this hurts. Of course it does. But I cant do anything - shes not mine, shes free to do this. I really want to punch something right now. His face. GRRR. Not a happy camper. Need to calm down.

[Merin]

J.. I'm so sorry:(

 

I emailed you... I had no idea this had happened.

 

Hope we can catch up and talk.. Damn! I'm so sorry.. you already know what I think.. you're to good for her and this B.S.

[Noodles]

J. Don't know if you've read anything from me, but I certainly read your posts and as a fellow Brit stuck overseas, your thoughts and feelings hit a particular chord with mine my own.

What the hell is this all about eh? Christ on a bike why do we have to go through this croque of s***? There is no reason, no rationale behind any of this. Are we stronger? Perhaps. I can't speak for you but I felt I was already strong enough before any of this.

I too am angry. Furious in fact. People wrote back with the best of intentions, most likely more mature and wiser than I am, telling me anger is a negative emotion and wouldn't ever lead to anything positive. I however disagree. Embrace the anger, resentment and the bitter bile this whole experience has forced you to swallow.

 

Breathe it all in deeply and hold it in. Noone can hold their breath indefinately. Eventually you will have to exhale. You will come to understand sooner or later, as shall I, that we deserve and will eventually receive better. Scant consolation right now as I know from bitter personal experience, I am still very much in love regardless of what she has done.

 

Would I take her back? Would you? Most likely yes. Yet if that scenario arose, I know I for one would always be paranoid that if she became restless again my darkest nightmare may well resurface. What kind of foundation is that for a relationship?

 

Bah! This is one titanic turd teriyaki and unfortunately we have to hold out noses and force it down. We may well become nauseous, with the entire episode being brought back up again, again and again. Eventually though we'll digest this and develop a more resilient stomach for it all, we'll be able to swallow a whole lot more without the fear of the same hurt.

 

I feel your pain, share your anger and endure the same loneliness. Yet rest assured it won't last forever.

 

Trust me, I'm a spursfan. I've seen too many false dawns not to recognise the sun will indeed eventually rise ;-)

 

Noodles.

[jamwinswim]

An explanation first. I just read my last post, and yeah I was upset. But now I come to think of things, Im not upset at the event - the fact that she was with another guy. Shes single, Im single, its what single people do. What has eaten me up now are the lies she has told me before hand, and still recently upto and including last week. She took advantage of the trust I had in her, and abused that trust by lying to me, even as a friend. This means I have lost my respect for her. Now I even have some belief that these seeds with this new guy were planted whilst we were still dating. Im upset at myself for not realising those things now, and that I was blinded with love. So with what I type now, Its not about the event, just the lies beforehand.

 

First things first Noodles, you're a spurs fan and im a villa fan - we both know what its like to have false hope. JK. Yeah, I have read some of your posts, and can definately relate to the pain, loneliness, resentment.... I thought I had it bad, but if I had to be in the same workplace as the ex, and with a foreign language in a foreign land thing (im assuming being in Asia its like that unless you're in Hong Kong), I mean wow. But you are right, like alot of people have told me and I am now telling people - EMBRACE THIS FEELING..... because if you fight it, it will be around much much longer.

 

Today, I dont know how I really feel. Im thinking Im now done with this, and the trust and respect is no longer there. But I am a man, and I will not stoop to her levels to just "get her back". When/If she calls next, I intend to say this

 

Lindsay (yeah Little L has a name),

 

I have come across some information that has made me think that it is time for us to end our relationship completely. I enjoyed the good times we had, and shall try very hard in the future to only remember you with fond memories. I wish you and your family, parents and grandparents all the best, and wish for you all to have a happy life because you are all truly great people. Please do not ever call me again under any circumstance. Thank you, Goodbye *click*.

 

Its time for closure. My relationship is over, and I can only tell her what I said above if I am truly ready and prepared to move on. I dont want to stoop to her level, get even, spite her in the face. I do have fond memories, and I know she can be a good person. She just lied to me, abused my trust, and lost my respect. Because of this, she has lost me as a person. I am ready to move on. Its almost scary to type that, but I am. It is time. Asking questions wont get any answers, and its not the fact of the event that has upset me, just the lies before it. Even if I did get answers, would I feel any better? Probably not.

 

So leave it be. For me, for this kid called James, from Worcestershire, England, who lives in Kentucky in the US, its time to move on. I am beginning to conquer my demons, and as one chapter ends, another begins. To the next time.

[Noodles]

a-ha! a villa fan. There are simularities between our football sweethearts as well our personal ones then....

Correct me if I'm wrong mate, but after years of dross and drivel, you are now playing some seriously sweet stuff (despite Deadly Doug....) So shall you mate, I worked in NY for 3 months and it's seriously great fun out there n'est ce pas?

Wish Spurs were playing so sweet right now :-( Ah well, we will again one day........ :-)

 

We don't know each other, and in some ways that makes it so much easier to share feelings and give advice.

That’s a good note to send to her. I would perhaps offer some different advice though my brummy chum. You are giving up what’s going through mind to readily. Why do that, has she reciprocated ? I don't mean this nastily and I’m sorry if sounds like that.

 

Whenever I experience something new I have this insane urge to pick up the phone and let her know. I resist, though with a hell of a lot of self restraint involved! You don't need to let her in on your thought anymore. In fact I'd warrant she will end up wondering more about your thoughts if you didn't give them up so readily. Only you can really tell mate. If you feel you need closure, to tell her how you feel, go ahead and tell her your state of mind. Personally for me, although she trys to text and e-mail to still enjoy my advice and support, she walked out on both my support and thoughts the moment she moved out.

When my ex contacts me, I listen, am kind yet non-committal. I'll be there should she ever seriously need help- though from the feedback I'm receiving- somewhat similar to yours- she doesn’t need help.

 

Yes you feel you need closure, but ask yourself this. Will this be achieved by baring your soul to her? Or by baring your soul to yourself?

[jamwinswim]

Fact That May Interest Me - Villa last won the European Cup when Dirty Doug was not Chariman. And Spurs are in a bit of drivel right now - Santini left them for dead. Shame that.

 

Am I giving up something to easily by telling her those feelings? Maybe so. But it isnt about her anymore. This is about getting closure for me, to say the "last word", and be done with it. Would I take her back? Once upon a time in a heartbeat, but now, never. I dont think ever. And i dont write this in spite, I write this with a level head. Lately Ive tried to be supportive of my ex, and a good friend, but she still lies to me, so what friendship can be built without any trust?

 

I think Im in a position few of us are in. Im ready to let go and be done with it. If I read this post over, the whole thing, I might laugh, cry, giggle, think what the hell was I thinking? Maybe if the trust and respect were still there, then Id be all for it. But its gone. And so has my ship. On to a new port!

 

Am I baring my soul? Not really. Maybe a little, but baring my soul would be telling her how upset I am about the fact that she lied to me, and abused the trust I had in place of her. Shes lost my respect. What I do now really is for me - and I guess in that, I am baring my soul to myself because for the first time in a while, I am being honest and putting my actions to take care of me first!

[Noodles]

J- First and foremost, I’m bloody glad the bulged eyed Santini did bugger off! He was GG mach II! I really rate Jol and think he’ll be the man to drag us back up to where we belong! Guess time will tell.

 

I don’t know why I’m even attempting to give you advice. You are clearly far further along the road to recovery than I am. The talk you’re about to walk is far more cool, calm and collective than I feel capable of demonstrating right now. As you say, wait till she calls and then you go with the flow bro. Go ahead and give yourself closure whilst refraining from self-disclosure.

 

 

Merin posted you are far too good to put up with this crap, and for a young lady she speaks surprising sense (I’m just kidding here Merin!). Lil L has shown herself to be immature and taken the cowards way out of all this from what I can tell. This does imply she still cares for you, not wanting to hurt you by being upfront with what had truly been going on. Yet when you were confronted with pictures from a 3rd party you weren’t prepared in the least. By avoiding telling you what had really been going on, she ended up hurting you all the more.

 

By speaking to her and gaining closure for yourself, I’m sure she’ll grow from this ugly episode as well. Going through all of this is so awful, yet it seems to happen to the best of us. I do find myself thinking weird thoughts sometimes. Is this some kind of prerequisite of emotional maturity? Do we all need to taste the bitter before we truly appreciate the sweet? *sigh* Perhaps this is but mere delusion on my part in order to rationalise why I'm feeling so awful.

 

I do know this. I’ll be buggered if some little strumpet gets the better of me. Naturally I occasionally feel like crawling up into a ball under my duvet, and pathetically I am occasionally reduced to this. About 10 days or so ago I told myself, noodles you’re a right tasty savoury young dish, my god man you’re a staple diet in some continents LOL! I began to twinkle my eyes at girls again, something I hadn’t done for a few years. It felt tremendous when I received a twinkle back! I’ve read your posts and know you’ve had a similar experience.

 

I don’t think we’ll ever let go of what has happened, nor do I think we ever should. Once the pain eventually subsides, we’ll be so much better equipped when we once again meet one of the special girls out there.

 

Noodles.

[jamwinswim]

The road to recovery. Ah yes.... a fun filled route. I think like you do sometimes too, how are we forced by an unbelievable twist of fate that we have to taste the bitter before getting to the sweet? Who knows?

 

I appreciate your opinions, views and advice, I really do Noodles. Dont apologise - alot of people on here are going through the aches and pains, but not alot of people are doing it far away from home. You are, and you have insight on this, and I do appreciate it. Am i further along? Yes, maybe, but only because of closure. Im trying to be cool calm and collective, that is for sure. I dont want to stoop to her level, Im going to walk away from this the better person and with the class that I know I have. I do have fond memories of her, and I do wish her the best, but the best for me does not involve her - and I know truly realise that.

 

Does that mean "poof" I forget about her? Of course not. But my progression as a better person and onto the next great thing requires me to let go and be done with the past. Its a shame how its all fallen out in the end. Im not really upset about her being with another guy (although it isnt nice), Im just more upset about the lies and deceit. I had given her my trust, my respect. She neglected and took advantage of the first, and therefore lost the second. It means alot for me to give respect, I think its almost a British thing how much we pride ourselves on true friendship and trust in each other - to abuse that is almost a cardinal sin.

 

Keep plugging at your situation mate. Getting those twinkles are just a start - it shows there is life after the death. As people say, when one door closes, another one opens. Some people are here for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime. Those that are here for a season or a reason fulfill a need at that time, and then are disposed of because they fulfill that need, or that you and that person are at conflict. Those that are there for a lifetime - those are the ones you really need to care about. Maybe im talking some right bollocks, but things happen for a reason. Like I tell people, Embrace the pain for as long as you need to, and then when the time is right, you'll be able to let it go.

[Noodles]

No mate, you don't speak bollocks at all. I don't know you or anyone else here, and so I feel no shame in saying I have tears running down my cheeks as i sit here. I work in a cut throat ruthless industry mate, to succeed you have to be tough. You touched on it in an earlier reply to me and I chose to skirt round the issue. s*** man it kills me to act like some tough guy in control in the office, and I HAVE TO in order to survive. Both professionally and emotionally. I act like nothing fazes me and pretend to focus on where the next $ is coming from, but I'm sat there looking out of the corner of my eye and wondering whats going through her mind! Ah crap, I know this probably doesn't any big deal, but christ it kills me EVERY DAY.

 

I am more respected in the firm and been there 2 years longer, yet sshe seems able to cope with this whilst I'm not. I think I' mgoing to have to leave.

[Noodles]

Sorry- J- been caught somewhat with my trousers down here tonight haven't I!? Apologise for the outburst! Too much Jamesons coupled with too much pressure and too little sleep.

I stand by my earlier comment, I’ll be buggered if some strumpet gets the better of me. The guy she reports to is a friend of mine and he’s said he’ll transfer her out of my way should I want. Yet this is hardly the moral highground is it? How could I do this and live myself? You probably think I am sound like an old fart, I’m not. I’m 27. Most likely not too much older than you are.

I am surviving at work these days, whereas I had used to excel. I will excel once again this is a pledge I’ve made to myself. Before I ship off out to new shores, I will once again show my true colours.

Argh, sorry I’ve had too much to drink. I’m off out to “twinkle” for a while, I have 6 hrs till work starts.

I’ll most likely be mortified when reading what I’ve posted tomorrow, but hell, this is what this forum is for. Right?

[jamwinswim]

Nothing wrong with a few Jameson's. Work is a high pressure environment - Im involved in a high pressure environment and on the same day I received my "information", 30 mins later I was given a production ultimatum that came from the district level to increase my production for November or else (I was like thanks, one week into November you tell me and we also have Thanksgiving. F*ckers). But the mixture of work with the succubus doesnt help anything Im sure. You dont sound some old bugger, you sound like the rest of us - hurt. But you'll be fine mate. Dont be ashamed of what you've wrote, its the truth and theres no point in hiding from it. So what if you've come to tears - Im sure every guy on here has too. Just keep your chin up - if she doesnt care, and thats the truth, eventually you'll have to concede, like I did, that she doesn't care and that why should you care for someone that doesn't care for you? Go twinkle. It always helps. But 6hrs before work..... you're psycho (although I would do the same if I didnt have to coach at 530am every morning).

[Green_and_White]

I read through your latest posts (since you've been helping me out). Reading it sounds so errie cause everything about our situation is the same. She lied to me, she lied to you too. "I need to be myself for awhile, Ill love you forever, not as a friend, but love, I couldnt imagine being with someone else". It's all lies! Keeps us on a string. These are the people we really dont want to be with anyways. Im to the point in "recovery" that I only think of the things I dont like about her. I think I like her now cause of her family, our connections (being alumni). I look back in the last 2 months and realize what a HORRIBLE person she turned into. Not telling the truth, not contacting me like she said she would, giving me something back via her father (executive attorney at my firm)...COME ON. Lying about seeing someone else (a friend since she was 3 that I NEVER heard about). Weird the connections we all have in this world, this bastard went to UofK, not sure if you did though, but weird enough.

 

I cant say enough how all this stuff has helped. Go out with friends, TALK about it. After this whole situation I have become a much more open person when it comes to my head. I talked to people I just met about this situaiton and I couldnt believe it. Its THEIR loss cause we have grown into better people. You and I (everyone) has realized their mistakes in their relaitonships and if they shut up and cant give a second chance, then they REALLY didnt love you, I know this for a fact. You dont give up when things get tough, you work it out. I probably didnt type it to good but Im tired and just wanted to get some of it out.

 

I do love her but my love has changed for sure. Am I even sitll attracted to her, its been 2 months? I dont know? Will I take her back. It would take ALOT of work on her part. Do I have closure, no? I wont get it until I know why we broke up, why she lied, WHY. I also envisioned me beating the guys butt when i saw him but I decided its not even worth it. I would have done it for the girl I loved, not the girl I have loving memories of. I wouldnt let her get the best of me cause thats the reason why she wouldnt even let me know who he was.

[jamwinswim]

GW

 

Its eerie how things turn out similar for alot of guys out here. I hear you on alot of your words, thats probably why I can relate so easily to your situation. I think the first problem though is that that guy went to UK - hate UK, those blue b*stards. I went to UofL(ouisville) and was an athlete there, so my hate for that other school is pretty deep.

 

You know, its funny how the truth comes out about a person after the fact of the relationship. Its a shame, but the only person you'd fight for is the girl that you fell for and were in love with, but that girl is gone. If she was still here, then you'd probably still be dating. But then the lies come out, and now I truly realise why there is so much bitterness between ex's after the breakup. You're right - true love you'd want to work at it. I guess immature, puppy love - even though we dont want to admit it, doesn't quite work out that way. At least we've had a taste, we know what to look for, will protect ourselves in the future, but will know when it is right. I hope so anyways.

 

Ditto on the love and attraction. I dont know if I would use love anymore - maybe the previous person, but not who she is now. And attraction? Give me a break..... she may be beautiful on the outside, but she is poison in the middle, she has a poisoned soul right now. Damn Succubus. But past the spite, I shall take my good memories, cherish them, and learn from them, and now let it go! Will I ever get the answers? Probably not, but for my sake, I dont really need them anymore.

[beejsea2]

I'm glad that you're at the point that you don't need answers. I guess I'm slowly coming to the realization that I'm never going to get the answers that I need or deserve to have.

 

But slowly things are less painful. I can sleep through the entire night. Sure part of me is afraid of being alone, left with taking care of a house...a year ago when I bought the house (he couldn't buy it with me since he filed bankruptcy 6 months before) I told him I never intended on buying a house because of all the responsibilities and he told me he was here for the long haul.

 

Glad you're doing better..you give me strength to know that I too some day will be where you are at today

[Green_and_White]

Unlike J, I think I would still like answers. Im not going to seek them out or anything, but maybe they will come to me. It takes SO much work and patience in order to get to the place I think we are at. I LOVED this girl. Ive been out with many girls before her and several after her and this is the only one I can still think about. When she first walked into my class, the moment I saw her something came through me and I knew I was going to be with this girl. It was an errie feeling becasue I didnt know how to take it at the moment, it didnt happen until 4 months later. That never happend before. But, its all in vain because I never thought someone could turn their back on someone SO quickly and just "erase" you from their life. But, everyone copes in their own little way. It helps me get through my day knowing that NOONE will ever give to her what I did. No one will do the things I did, the little things, its impossible. She is with her childhood friend now because I think its comfortable and she doesnt have to go through the getting to know someone. I can only hope that this guy is a rich prick just like the way she described all the guys from her hometown, Groose Pointe. She will never get along with someone's family like she did with mine. She fell in love with them weeks into our dating. Hell, I fell in love with her about a month and a half into our relationship and I wasnt afraid to tell her. She actually did about a week before me but was afraid to tell me. I felt for a long time she was telling the truth and thats why I played the situation like I did, left her alone. Maybe if she matures 6 months down the road and calls and says "Im sorry", maybe Ill work on it. We had a connection, EVERYONE was jealous of us when we were together, no one understood how 2 people could look and be so happy together. I kinda knew it would end when we moved back home. Its as if she never wanted to leave her city in the first place when she went to college, always coming back even when we were together, her parents always wanted her around. I know for a FACT im the better person. I grew up about 3 years in the last 2 months. Enough ramblings because im taking up everyones time.

[jamwinswim]

Everyone deals with things in different ways - different emotions are involved, the length of the relationship, the reasons in the division of the relationship. Like GW, we have similar situations, but at the end of the day we want our own results before we are totally comfortable to move on. I guess I am lucky - its taken a while to get to this point, or at least it seems like it, but at least im here now. And for peeps like beej, Im happy that my situation can bring hope to others.

 

Is it ever fun? No. But we are all living at the end of the day. It takes a while, believe me it does, but the roses do smell better when your heart and mind are at peace. The mind sees things as it should be from an early stage, it just takes the heart a while to adjust. One week for every month..... it worked about right for me - but I hope that isnt the truth. 4yrs would take forever to get over........ just keep being strong people. Just keep doing what you are doing, then suddenly, one day, you'll wake up and boom. The roses.

[Elmo]

Originally posted by jamwinswim

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Hello All. Its tough to be in a break up, this much I know. Here I am, at work, and reading through these posts and realising that my pain is much the same as everyone elses. Here is my story, and any advice I would truly appreciate.

 

I met this girl, we'll call her Little L, just over a year ago. It had to be love at first sight - we were always staring at each other, smiling, flirting... and well one thing led to another and we started dating about a year ago. Everything went great, I even took this girl home to meet my parents in England for Xmas (I was here on a scholarship as an athlete). PERFECT i tell you - I loved this girl sooooo much, it was unbelievable. I always thought that I'd always wait on one girl, and when she came, I would be the most perfect boyfriend I could be. I had so much love to give, but up to this point in life had only concentrated on my athletic dreams and my education. I knew deep down in my heart that if given the chance with the girl of my dreams, it would last forever....alas..... I was wrong.

 

Things continued to be great.... Xmas turned to Spring, my athletic career finished, and I was set to graduate. She had her problems with the family (parents always fighting), and with stress from school, but I was always there for her, and encouraging her to succeed. I also had my problems too, and her love and caringness had overwhelmed thu my own problems and trying to graduate on time, and also getting my first career job. Despite all of this, I thought that these were little things that we could always get over - Just needed to communicate, talk, and love each other at the end of the day.

 

By this time though, our relationship had become "over-consuming", if thats a word. She had her friends from HS (as she was a local girl) and my friends I began to neglect because of all the time I spent with my girlfriend (Now I realise how bad that was, but Little L had basically developed into my best friend, 2nd friend, 3rd 4th and 5th friend, and her family had become my "adopted" american family). We spent ALOT of time together - we would always see each other everyday, if not at least talk, but then she wanted to spend time with her friends too. Cool right? Yeah I was cool with it, but inside it hurt me that she didn't want to be with me. To try and overcome this problem though, I wanted to work at it, and try and make her friends and my friends "our friends" - so we could all hang out together. But sadly she could never see this, and seemed pretty intent on keeping her friends "separate" from us.

 

Problem? I never thought so. We talked about it, maybe every week, but I never thought it may help lead to a breakup. I was always trying a median for us to meet at, but alas, nothing. Spring turns into Summer (04), and things are still great. She is working, I start working, she has summer classes, I help her through it all, my job takes me away for training, she calls me all the time saying "I miss you soooooo much". And then the crack appears.... one night we are talking and she says "Sometimes I feel like I just need to be by myself" .... no not the watching tv by herself thing, but being single. We talk a little about it, but she says not to worry, its something minor..... At least she was being honest, but she told me enough to be "okay" with it.

 

August hits. My birthday came around, beginning of the month, and she decorates my room, and buys me an expensive camera (which I know really put her out) - the card even said "to all of our future memories". At this point Im thinking "WOW" my girlfriend really loves me, and i've never had anyone do anything like this for me before..... and things pretty much continue to be the same. And then it happened..... two weeks ago today. We go to a party, and beforehand we're together and it doesnt seem quite right..... we lay together in bed, but shes laying on her front and kind of kissing me without getting close... I sense it, say something about it, but think nothing of it. We go to the party, and I decide not to dance, that I wasn't in the mood. She gets all anal about it, and when I decide I want to dance:

 

J: Okay lets dance, I want to dance

L: (shouting) why do you want to dance now? (this in a crowd, so making a scene)

J: (raising my voice) because I am in the mood now

L: Thats not good enough, how come you didn't want to dance earlier?

J: I wasn't in the mood, but I am now. Lets dance, I just want to make you happy?

L: Only do it if you're happy.,.......

 

and so it goes on before we lamely dance.... not talk to each other much, and then drive home. And then it happens, she drops the bomb....."I think we need a break". I never saw it coming. Looking back at it now, all of two weeks ago and much in pain, I think this is what hurt me hardest. I never saw it coming, NEVER! it was a complete flip flop of emotion on her part. We get back to my place, and we talk some more.... and then it happens - i start crying.... hard... like what have I done? whats wrong with me? I rarely cry, I cant even remember the last time I cried, and she reduced me to tears. She says she needs a break - to find herself, to really know what she wants, and that maybe this is too serious for her. She says she wants her friends, but that she also wants me too. She also says that she still loves me (at that point, and upto about a week ago).... but the pain had settled in already. I was.... well.... it was like my perfect life and paradise had been flipped to satanic hell. My hurt began.

 

The following day we talked again. We had too - i was hurting sooo much. Crying, left work early, my mind a complete mess. What had I done? What can I do to make this work again? Where did I go wrong? There I was looking for redemption, looking for a second chance. We talked, and the message was still the same - "break". We talked some more, we kissed, I even asked her if she felt that feeling and she said we did..... but at that time I knew I had to give her her space. But it killed me - that first weekend. We did a poor job, my mum said that we were "idiots" because we were still talking. But compared to before, it was nothing. My heart had been torn out of my body, and stepped all over. Did I feel spiteful? No. My logic was if she still loved me, then we would work this out. But my heart wept - I loved her so much. The lack of sleep, the misery in continuing anything else in my life without her there had stolen my confidence to fulfil those abilities, and the lack of appetite.... oh wow.... its still there.

 

A few days later, we met again, and talked some more. Said I couldnt take it that she had left me out to dry, with no hope, nothing for us to work towards - thats all I asked for. She declined, and I prepared myself.....called a bluff I suppose, but I told her the things I wanted to tell her in the future that I might regret if I didnt tell her then..... if that made any sense. Basically this was it, and I wanted her to know how much she meant to me. I tried to play hardball. Told her I loved her, how much she had changed my life, made me a better person - how she made me complete. She was in tears, and said "what if i find out real soon that i want you back". My reply... "you better hope I'm still around for you". We said our goodbyes, and I tried soooo hard to abide by the rules of NO CONTACT. During this time my heart hurt so bad, I couldn't even see the light. I still cant really, although Im talking more sense now (thats the head, not the heart speaking). Sleep....what sleep? food? what food? All i could think about was this perfect life with the perfect girl, and now it was gone. Miserable would be an understatement. Now isnt a time for rash decisions, but I wanted to go home to England, for good. My parents supported me, my mum even said "I always wanted you to come home, and her loss is my gain". You can always rely on mother for great support! lol. My dad talked more sense though, the same things that my head was saying. Give her space, let her be, if she wants you she'll come back. But the heart was saying "do nothing, and you'll lose her forever". Damn Love..... the most addicting drug, and it still kills me.

 

A few days pass, and I call her. I broke the NC rule, but I wanted to just make sure she was okay. Was I okay? No - my friends have either left after college or are busy with college, and my family were miles away. I never felt so lonely in all of my life. I dreaded waking up, because Id always think of her. I couldnt handle it. I tried working out, but my passion had gone. She says that shes okay, but wanted to call me but wasnt sure I would answer. Im thinking that this is a sign, but no.... she needs her space. I see the signals: she misses me, she says she loves me, she says she needs me in her life, and that I shouldn't go back to england, but..... but why apart? We talk, chit chat, about us..... we see each other - she hugs me tight, we lay together in bed, bodies touching, face to face close..... its almost like a tease to be that close to something you view as perfection but knowing you cant have it. She says she hurts too, but I just dont see it as much. Its like alot of the posts in here, why does one person have to suffer more?

 

So this past weekend pasts, and it gets to this week. The time kills me.... the more it drags on, the more I miss her and think I've lost her. Shes in school, im at work - no accidental hanging outs or meetings. I try to enforce the NC rule, but she calls me a couple times..... I of course answer, I have to.... I dont feel strong enough, or I guess rude enough to be like "No, I dont want to speak to you, dont you feel my pain?". And now I am here.... Friday.... week 2 of being single. And it hurts. My head agrees with what is happening - she needs a break to reevaluate what she wants in life, and what she wants with me. But it feels more breakup than break, and im thinking "what if she doesnt take me back....... it already feels like shes not going to take me back". I love her, and I pray.... I pray for her happiness with or without me. Thats what my head says, but my heart wants her so bad. I try to sleep, i think of her, i cannot eat, i finish work and feel so lonely. I workout, but my energy is gone, and then to speak to her and hear about her being busy, and without any pain hurts me. Of course i dont want her to hurt, but no remorse? Maybe shes free now, but it scares me that she doesnt want me. And to go on such a flip flop of emotions. I think if our actions towards each other had become a downward spiral recently, i would be more willing to accept this - but i cant. One day we were in love and together, and now.... now im a mess. And after all this, this is only half my life, the love part, because there is still the strain of what to do for my future now and knowing what i want. Do i go home? Stay here lonely? My mind is a mess, all i know is that i want her. I cant chase her, ill push her away, but if i do nothing, i may lose her forever. Im so lost without her, and my friends are trying to help, but man..... I had it bad. My head already knows that I have to give her space and time, its the only way she will realise what shes missing out on.... but my heart hurts and yearns for her.

 

What can I do? Any words of encouragement, or anything else you guys would like to know please just let me know. Even though this seems like a long post, I feel like I may have left things out too. My heart is open, my ears are listening, please..... Im only male, and some of us do have emotions too Any comments appreciated. Maybe it will give me new light on the situation, maybe even new strength. Thank you

 

Jamwinswim

 

Damn...I feel for you. I could write a couple of paragraphs to ease what my real opinion is...but you seem like a smart guy.

 

The girl is off you, man.

 

She most likely wants to bang other dudes.

 

Not because you are lacking in any way...just...she is young...and you are there...TOO MUCH.

 

I really think you should find another girl. However, if you want to get the original girl back...still...go find another girl. Don't call the original anymore. Place your efforts into either getting laid by multiple girls or find a new, beautiful girl to spoil.

 

You sound so great. It won't be hard to get another.

 

Trust me. I'm a girl. I've been through this.

 

It is a no brainer. You get into the social scene again and may meet a wonderful girl. Or the old one sees what she is missing.

[jamwinswim]

LOL. No, thank you for your reply I appreciate it. I know you probably think I'm just saying this, but I know she doesn't want to just go out and bang - shes gone very religious now and it was always a big deal to her before. But even if that is so, than so be it - i dont have ownership, and she is young - its up to her what she does. But I did have a chuckle. Not really my thing to go out and bang chicks like its my job either - Im a gentleman, i at least wait till the second night (jk).

 

We walk in different social groups, I doubt we're going to cross paths again unless someone makes an effort to do so. She is young, and she is immature - I am older, and want to do what I'm allowed to do. These things happen, and of course it was very painful - but the truth has come out, and I am done with it now. I guess you only read the original post, so I can see why your views are like so, but I wont be in denial about it. I dont think shes out to bang, but eh? shes lied to me a bunch now, I wouldn't put anything passed her now - but its okay. Shes lost my respect, and I shall only keep onto the good memories now whilst I look for newer, greener pastures.