Establishing a friendship with exMM

[AnotherRound]

I have consistently thought that this wasn't a great idea, despite the fact that he and I had a really strong bond and ability to communicate. He called me last night - and for the first time in a long time, we actually talked. Not about us, not about a future - just talked - about him, where he is, me, where I am - caught up on things on both sides.

 

Weirdest thing ever was that I didn't feel anything other than a very mellow caring for him. In that, I wasn't guarding what I said at all bc there was no threat there, ie relationship expectations. And he was extremely open with me (he always has been) - but about a lot of things that I would have thought would have maybe upset me to talk about - but I wasn't upset at all.

 

We talked about SG that broke up with me recently, and again, it didn't feel awkward at all. It's strange, when you know someone on such a deep and intimate level, how easily that basis of friendship and connectedness comes back.

 

He's dealing with the divorce - going through the stages of grief that anyone goes through after the ending of anything in their lives. We discussed that a lot and he stated that he has always appreciated that I am skilled at listening and providing strong feedback and information regarding certain processes and such. I'm glad that it helped him, and I think he's in a good place. He is very aware of where he is in the process of shedding the old skin - and despite some general difficulties that most experience, he is doing well and still seeing his IC regularly. He really is doing a lot of hard work and self reflecting and it shows.

 

He offered to buy me dinner - but then stated that he knows he is not ready to offer me what I deserve in a relationship (and I agreed that for now, that talk was more than enough). Neither of us has any plans for the future regarding one another - but I am glad that he could find some comfort and peace in communicating with me, as I also feel more at peace too.

 

I don't know if we can successfully be friends - and at this point, I can't imagine anything more than that, as it is something I accepted long ago that it just wasn't going to work for me. If I feel like being there for him is detrimental to me, I will tell him that and let it go.

 

Anyone else able to successfully navigate a friendship with an exMM post divorce? We were extremely neutral throughout the convo and for me, it simply felt like speaking with an old friend - I think it was similar for him, that feeling of talking to someone who knows you on so many levels, it's comforting.

 

What do other OWs think about this? I would like feedback about what you think the pitfalls may be, if any? And, if you can imagine being in my place with your MM/exMM, or have been, how would you handle it? And, although this is an open forum, I am specifically looking for OW/FOW responses as I'm looking for experienced responses - not conjecture. Thanks!

Edited March 24, 2013 by AnotherRound

[LFH]

Honestly, although I wish you luck with it, I don't believe in my heart that it can be done.

I don't think you can "turn back' feelings and go back to feelings you had before you loved someone, it gets too complicated.

 

I am friendly with past boyfriends. I actually don't think there are any that I'm not friendly with. Most of them I know their families now and keep up with them the same way I might anyone I went to school with or was friends with in the past (facebook, reunions, chatting when you bump into them out and about here and there) but we aren't friends. We don't get on the phone and talk unless there's a damn good reason (there's only ever been one and it wasn't "personal" it was an issue I had knowledge in) and we don't hang out. I don't stalk their pages, I don't think of them other than in a frandom ond way from time to time remembering good times and being younger, old stories that might come up, that kinda thing. They are part of my past. I'd certainly help them if they needed something, but they wouldn't be on the list to call with a problem.

 

So we are friendly, but we are not friends, and there is a huge difference.

Once you open that friend door, you are going to end up right back in his arms.

 

Does that make sense?

[AnotherRound]

Honestly, although I wish you luck with it, I don't believe in my heart that it can be done.

I don't think you can "turn back' feelings and go back to feelings you had before you loved someone, it gets too complicated.

 

I am friendly with past boyfriends. I actually don't think there are any that I'm not friendly with. Most of them I know their families now and keep up with them the same way I might anyone I went to school with or was friends with in the past (facebook, reunions, chatting when you bump into them out and about here and there) but we aren't friends. We don't get on the phone and talk unless there's a damn good reason (there's only ever been one and it wasn't "personal" it was an issue I had knowledge in) and we don't hang out. I don't stalk their pages, I don't think of them other than in a frandom ond way from time to time remembering good times and being younger, old stories that might come up, that kinda thing. They are part of my past. I'd certainly help them if they needed something, but they wouldn't be on the list to call with a problem.

 

So we are friendly, but we are not friends, and there is a huge difference.

Once you open that friend door, you are going to end up right back in his arms.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Makes total sense - and I honestly figured it wasn't possible, and had avoided it thus far. Thing is, with recent bf being so threatened by exMM despite me not feeling or thinking anything like wanting to be with exMM - I am nervous that maybe I'm just not seeing it? I really don't think that's it, I'm pretty good at knowing what I want and think and being able to express it - not shy about it.

 

But, it kind of feels like, if I'm being accused, I may as well be doing what I'm being accused of. I know, silly - but that's what it feels like a little bit.

 

I honestly felt nothing more last night while talking than friendship. I mean, obviously, we had many years of intimacy, and that's always going to be there - but last night, none of that surfaced. I just felt - comfortable, and it was good to hear about him and what's going on in his life. I missed that part of us so much - because we were so close that way during the relationship.

 

I'm going to hold off on communicating with him for a while. Really see how I feel about it all - as I'm pretty sure right now that I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I'm afraid that if we talk again, like we did last night, that the bond will be strong again - and I just don't want to hurt him by having him get reconnected to me and me having to say, "no, I don't want that".

[psm04]

 

I honestly felt nothing more last night while talking than friendship. I mean, obviously, we had many years of intimacy, and that's always going to be there - but last night, none of that surfaced. I just felt - comfortable, and it was good to hear about him and what's going on in his life. I missed that part of us so much - because we were so close that way during the relationship.

 

 

Do you think that even though you feel platonic now, the feelings won't start back up once you both start talking again? The reason I ask is because I went through the same thing after one of the NC periods I had with the xOMM, and we were both in agreement that we weren't feeling anything and that we could talk about things and be friends. But, after 2 or 3 of these platonic talks, we were right back where we started, and the start of another vicious cycle. I'm just curious. If you are able to do that with this person, that's great. I wish that me and the xOMM could be that way, because I also miss that part of our relationship so much.

[cocorico]

I tend to be someone who, when I'm done, I'm done. That said, given the circumstances of your R, your ending, and your level of self-awareness (and of course the literacies your professional training brings) I don't see why it can't work *for you*.

 

If you are both perfectly honest with each other about your expectations, your parameters, your feelings and your hopes, and honest enough with yourselves about those, and clear enough in your communication, it can be like any other friendship, in my view.

[Poppy fields]

There are too many years between the 1st MM and I. It would be highly unlikely at this point that a friendship of any kind would form. His wife hates me for one. Plus, we have evolved into two very different people. I really have no interest in talking to him, much less being his friend.

 

My 2nd OM is a different story. I would love to have a friendship with him. Our affair was different than my first as that I was married and he was not. At the time. He has since married, and SURPRISE, his wife is none too crazy about me. In fact, he broke up with me to be with her. I know they are happy, but I miss talking to him as we have a history that spans over 20 years.

 

In your case, I think it is too soon to make any decisions. He has clearly stated that he is in no position to give you what you would need in a relationship. It sounds like you are a bit wistful, but still grounded in reality. Limited contact seems like a good idea to me for the time being.

[AnotherRound]

Do you think that even though you feel platonic now, the feelings won't start back up once you both start talking again? The reason I ask is because I went through the same thing after one of the NC periods I had with the xOMM, and we were both in agreement that we weren't feeling anything and that we could talk about things and be friends. But, after 2 or 3 of these platonic talks, we were right back where we started, and the start of another vicious cycle. I'm just curious. If you are able to do that with this person, that's great. I wish that me and the xOMM could be that way, because I also miss that part of our relationship so much.

 

Well, honestly - despite the fact that we are both very intelligent and communicative people, I still don't think we can pull it off. I think that the comfort we find with one another is just too tempting to ignore - especially if we continue to have heart to heart talks like we had last night. That truly was the glue of our relationship - our understanding of one another and that connection and click of communication styles. So, I think reviving that - even on a friend level - would revive a whole lot of other things too.

 

I am not friends with any of my ex's - my choice, as many have tried that route. But, I just don't see the point in it bc it is so hard to rewind and pretend that there was never that intimacy. As LFH said, I am friendly with some on FB and such - but we don't have heart to hearts, lol.

 

I know that with exMM - part of our connection has always been that he really respects my feedback and analyses of things. He knows that I am very capable at that - and he doesn't trust anyone else that way to the extent he does me. He has a couple of guy friends that he can talk like that with - and get good feedback and such, but that's it. That has always been a lot of his attraction to me - that I'm not a woman who is surface or shallow.

 

So, no, in reality - I don't think we can do it. And, we didn't discuss us at all other than as reference when certain topics came up. He was sharing with me some notes he found that his exW had made, it had dates and such that she was apparently keeping track of our relationship - and we talked about that for a while, discussing what she had written and the situations, and our relationship was referenced in regards to that - in that we were thinking of what we were doing on those dates that she had kept track of. But other than that, nothing about us or love or relationships. Wait, I take that back - we did talk about our love for one another, but used it in the past tense - neither approached our feelings now.

 

I guess it's one of those all or nothing scenarios - and to be honest - I don't want either. I want something in the middle maybe - but it's probably not a possibility in reality.

[AnotherRound]

I tend to be someone who, when I'm done, I'm done. That said, given the circumstances of your R, your ending, and your level of self-awareness (and of course the literacies your professional training brings) I don't see why it can't work *for you*.

 

If you are both perfectly honest with each other about your expectations, your parameters, your feelings and your hopes, and honest enough with yourselves about those, and clear enough in your communication, it can be like any other friendship, in my view.

 

 

Thanks - I just am not sure we could get past that attraction thing. And not even the sexual attraction - but just that click you feel with some people, you know?

 

I will have to think on it - but I did share a lot of information with him last night that he had not had access to regarding the processes he is going through. That seemed to settle him a lot - and I don't mind being able to do that for him. Right now at least.

 

It will be interesting... I think for now, I'll just see how it progresses and if I am at all uncomfortable, I have no problem telling him that.

[AnotherRound]

There are too many years between the 1st MM and I. It would be highly unlikely at this point that a friendship of any kind would form. His wife hates me for one. Plus, we have evolved into two very different people. I really have no interest in talking to him, much less being his friend.

 

My 2nd OM is a different story. I would love to have a friendship with him. Our affair was different than my first as that I was married and he was not. At the time. He has since married, and SURPRISE, his wife is none too crazy about me. In fact, he broke up with me to be with her. I know they are happy, but I miss talking to him as we have a history that spans over 20 years.

 

In your case, I think it is too soon to make any decisions. He has clearly stated that he is in no position to give you what you would need in a relationship. It sounds like you are a bit wistful, but still grounded in reality. Limited contact seems like a good idea to me for the time being.

 

I think I am hopeful... and I just don't want that to turn into hoping for more than either of us is capable of giving the other. I think that he has really realized throughout this whole process how well suited we are for one another, and he misses that connection too. Which I totally understand - but I also want to keep some very good boundaries.

 

Yes, we are both aware that he is not in a place right now that he could really be present in a relationship the way that I need/want or that he needs/wants. That alone tells me he is doing well and making progress, as he is not trying to ease his discomfort with the processing by filling in the gaps. He was truly looking for some insight into some very specific things - and knew that I would be able to provide that to him.

 

It would be a difficult line to walk I think - and maybe further down the line, we could do it. But right now, I think we are both in somewhat vulnerable places, and I wouldn't want that to lead us to anything that would jeopardize the progress both of us has experienced, or to stifle our self-awareness and growth.

[BrokenPrincess]

Do you think that even though you feel platonic now, the feelings won't start back up once you both start talking again? The reason I ask is because I went through the same thing after one of the NC periods I had with the xOMM, and we were both in agreement that we weren't feeling anything and that we could talk about things and be friends. But, after 2 or 3 of these platonic talks, we were right back where we started, and the start of another vicious cycle. I'm just curious. If you are able to do that with this person, that's great. I wish that me and the xOMM could be that way, because I also miss that part of our relationship so much.

 

^^Exactly what happened to me. Four months post DDay, he broke NC, we had a pretty platonic conversation for an hour and agreed to occasional phone calls. Not even a week later, he called with an outpouring of his feelings for me and now we're kind of in limbo on going back into the A. It was so, so easy to let the conversation slide to tones & flirting like we used to be, definitely not appropriate for just friends.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks - I just am not sure we could get past that attraction thing. And not even the sexual attraction - but just that click you feel with some people, you know?

 

I will have to think on it - but I did share a lot of information with him last night that he had not had access to regarding the processes he is going through. That seemed to settle him a lot - and I don't mind being able to do that for him. Right now at least.

 

It will be interesting... I think for now, I'll just see how it progresses and if I am at all uncomfortable, I have no problem telling him that.

 

It's one thing to be his ear and help him out, it's another to allow yourself to get attached to him again and wake up old feelings that you've buried and put to bed a long time ago.

 

Keep your distance, emotionally and physically. No need to see him or get together. An occasional phone call or email will keep it all in check. And as you said he is in the midst of a divorce and needs time to be on his own, figure stuff out. Timing is all wrong for anything to happen between you two right now anyway.

[AnotherRound]

Thanks all - I know the slippery slope we are standing at the top of - I guess I was just hoping that somehow, we could overcome it so that we could keep some of that connection we've always had. I just really don't want to hurt him - and I think that getting reconnected without knowing exactly what I want could do just that. I don't want to have to reject him - he is already vulnerable due to trying to come to terms with losing his children FT, his home (which he designed and built himself), and the general lack of social support he has bc he wasn't really "allowed" to have friends (which of course assisted in leading to him being completely emotionally cut off in the marriage).

 

I am happy to see him doing some self-discovery, and to hear his insight into certain things - things that I had tried to tell him throughout our years together, but he had resisted accepting. He had some very specific questions about things I had seen and commented on to him - and it was good to see him seeking that information so that he can better understand why he ticks the way he ticks. Also, to see him accept that it isn't a simple case of he or his exW being "good" or "bad" - just not cohesive and meshing. And that the demise of the marriage was long ago (even the exW's notes agree with this despite that she would never say this out loud, I think as a guilt tool against him) and that at some point long ago, it was not worth saving any longer.

 

These realizations are healthy for him and he is moving forward. He is also finally putting some boundaries to the exW by refusing to have dinner with her and such which she invites him to almost daily. She seems to want to keep the perks of having him in that platonic relationship - which he is realizing is using him for her own selfish needs as she had done for years in the marriage. And he is realizing that not only is it unhealthy for him, but that he has no desire to do anything with/for her outside of the children- and that he has the right to set that boundaries with her despite her attempts to guilt him into providing for he like he always has.

 

It's a process, for sure, disentangling himself from such a dysfunctional relationship - but he's doing it, and in a very healthy way too. For that, I'm glad for him - he deserves to have some peace and happiness in his life. Hopefully the exW will move on - and her boyfriend will start doing the things for her that she expects exMM to do - he keeps having to remind her that they ARE divorced.

 

Like I said - I'm going to just take it as it comes. I have pretty good boundaries, so, I've made them known to him, and we will see how we navigate this new territory. Once his exW adjusts to the new status, and he adjusts to his newfound freedom - I am very optimistic that he will be much happier and much more at peace. I am excited to see him find that in this life as he was miserable for far too long.

[Poppy fields]

You say he wasn't allowed to have friends, yet his wife was aware her husband was having an affair with you and, is my understanding, gave her silent blessing. That is a strange dynamic.

[AnotherRound]

You say he wasn't allowed to have friends, yet his wife was aware her husband was having an affair with you and, is my understanding, gave her silent blessing. That is a strange dynamic.

 

It really was - like I said, dysfunctional.

[Poppy fields]

It really was - like I said, dysfunctional.

 

Wow. Sounds like bizarro world.

[ThatJustHappened]

Thanks all - I know the slippery slope we are standing at the top of - I guess I was just hoping that somehow, we could overcome it so that we could keep some of that connection we've always had. I just really don't want to hurt him - and I think that getting reconnected without knowing exactly what I want could do just that. I don't want to have to reject him - he is already vulnerable due to trying to come to terms with losing his children FT, his home (which he designed and built himself), and the general lack of social support he has bc he wasn't really "allowed" to have friends (which of course assisted in leading to him being completely emotionally cut off in the marriage).

 

I am happy to see him doing some self-discovery, and to hear his insight into certain things - things that I had tried to tell him throughout our years together, but he had resisted accepting. He had some very specific questions about things I had seen and commented on to him - and it was good to see him seeking that information so that he can better understand why he ticks the way he ticks. Also, to see him accept that it isn't a simple case of he or his exW being "good" or "bad" - just not cohesive and meshing. And that the demise of the marriage was long ago (even the exW's notes agree with this despite that she would never say this out loud, I think as a guilt tool against him) and that at some point long ago, it was not worth saving any longer.

 

These realizations are healthy for him and he is moving forward. He is also finally putting some boundaries to the exW by refusing to have dinner with her and such which she invites him to almost daily. She seems to want to keep the perks of having him in that platonic relationship - which he is realizing is using him for her own selfish needs as she had done for years in the marriage. And he is realizing that not only is it unhealthy for him, but that he has no desire to do anything with/for her outside of the children- and that he has the right to set that boundaries with her despite her attempts to guilt him into providing for he like he always has.

 

It's a process, for sure, disentangling himself from such a dysfunctional relationship - but he's doing it, and in a very healthy way too. For that, I'm glad for him - he deserves to have some peace and happiness in his life. Hopefully the exW will move on - and her boyfriend will start doing the things for her that she expects exMM to do - he keeps having to remind her that they ARE divorced.

 

Like I said - I'm going to just take it as it comes. I have pretty good boundaries, so, I've made them known to him, and we will see how we navigate this new territory. Once his exW adjusts to the new status, and he adjusts to his newfound freedom - I am very optimistic that he will be much happier and much more at peace. I am excited to see him find that in this life as he was miserable for far too long.

 

Everyone wants to think their situation is special. They're usually wrong.

[AnotherRound]

Everyone wants to think their situation is special. They're usually wrong.

 

Um - what situation are you talking about? Being friends with an exMM after you have ended it with him and he and his wife are now divorced?? And, what was your experience as an OW who ended it with your exMM and later attempted to be friends?

[stevie_23]

I actually CAN imagine being friends with my ex-MM. I couldn’t before maybe a few weeks ago. In some ways, I think if we had any DIRECT contact (like private contact, messages, emails, etc) and any sort of…deep / detailed contact (not just brief things), we’d end up back together. And that can’t happen. But if we had public contact like posting on the forum we met on, brief things, no private stuff, we could be friends.

 

I am at a place where I feel even more of a sense of peace than I had before. Ideally, I want a nice, relaxed, caring friendship that’s at arm’s length (because any closer would have us ending up back together or, more likely, never speaking again, like we are currently – not speaking, that is).

 

I was wondering before, if my ex-MM approached me and told me he needed me in his life, wanted to be with me somehow (even though nothing in his life will have changed, with his wife, etc), I would say no. I would be supportive of him, be his friend, but I will NOT get back on that roller coaster again. I just won’t. Nothing good can ever come of it. But just because the situation and how we were before cannot allow us to be together in the future doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t have fond feelings and be some form of friends. Maybe one day. Maybe not. It’s ok.

[AnotherRound]

I actually CAN imagine being friends with my ex-MM. I couldn’t before maybe a few weeks ago. In some ways, I think if we had any DIRECT contact (like private contact, messages, emails, etc) and any sort of…deep / detailed contact (not just brief things), we’d end up back together. And that can’t happen. But if we had public contact like posting on the forum we met on, brief things, no private stuff, we could be friends.

 

I am at a place where I feel even more of a sense of peace than I had before. Ideally, I want a nice, relaxed, caring friendship that’s at arm’s length (because any closer would have us ending up back together or, more likely, never speaking again, like we are currently – not speaking, that is).

 

I was wondering before, if my ex-MM approached me and told me he needed me in his life, wanted to be with me somehow (even though nothing in his life will have changed, with his wife, etc), I would say no. I would be supportive of him, be his friend, but I will NOT get back on that roller coaster again. I just won’t. Nothing good can ever come of it. But just because the situation and how we were before cannot allow us to be together in the future doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t have fond feelings and be some form of friends. Maybe one day. Maybe not. It’s ok.

 

I honestly didn't even want to be friends - simply bc I wasn't healed enough previously. Now though, almost 2 years out, I feel very much at peace with it all. I had fantasized a bit about being with him once he became single - but I had met SG and started dating him and had really fallen for him - so, exMM wasn't even on the table for me bc I wanted what I had with SG.

 

I think it's so strange sometimes how the universe works - and often times things just right for the perfect lineup. Not fate, but just this coincidental timing that happens at times in our lives where everything just lines up.

 

I think it's really difficult to be friends with someone who you have had a really intimate connection with. I wish it were more easily done, but I also understand that it wouldn't take much to reignite that fire between exMM and I - that was NEVER a problem, lol. So, I am thinking I'm going to keep it at arm's length for now and just see how it plays out without me influencing it much at all. I will cross any bridges when/if I get there.

[ThatJustHappened]

Um - what situation are you talking about? Being friends with an exMM after you have ended it with him and he and his wife are now divorced?? And, what was your experience as an OW who ended it with your exMM and later attempted to be friends?

 

Yikes..retract your claws please! I wasn't trying to be mean.

 

I'm talking about being friends with an ex. It rarely works but tons of people try. What difference does it make if you were his OW or his girlfriend? An ex is an ex is an ex. Why are you so dead set on setting OWs apart from the rest of the world? OWs are human, just like everyone else. A lot of the same things that apply to regular relationships also apply to affairs. Just because I've never been an OW doesn't make my opinions invalid.

[AnotherRound]

Yikes..retract your claws please! I wasn't trying to be mean.

 

I'm talking about being friends with an ex. It rarely works but tons of people try. What difference does it make if you were his OW or his girlfriend? An ex is an ex is an ex. Why are you so dead set on setting OWs apart from the rest of the world? OWs are human, just like everyone else. A lot of the same things that apply to regular relationships also apply to affairs. Just because I've never been an OW doesn't make my opinions invalid.

 

What claws???? I was confused as to what you meant and just asking for clarification, lol. I didn't think that this was a common scenario, so when you said that "everyone" and such - I was like, well heck, maybe this is really common and I just was not aware! lol

 

Honestly, no claws at all... thanks for the input! I see what you were trying to say now. And it's nice to hear someone say that "a lot of the same things that apply to regular relationships also apply to affairs" - I totally agree. I just didn't think this was really a "regular" scenario, so was confused.

 

And never said your opinion was invalid? Again, just didn't understand what you were trying to say so wanting clarification. Thanks!

[2sunny]

I honestly didn't even want to be friends - simply bc I wasn't healed enough previously. Now though, almost 2 years out, I feel very much at peace with it all. I had fantasized a bit about being with him once he became single - but I had met SG and started dating him and had really fallen for him - so, exMM wasn't even on the table for me bc I wanted what I had with SG.

 

I think it's so strange sometimes how the universe works - and often times things just right for the perfect lineup. Not fate, but just this coincidental timing that happens at times in our lives where everything just lines up.

 

I think it's really difficult to be friends with someone who you have had a really intimate connection with. I wish it were more easily done, but I also understand that it wouldn't take much to reignite that fire between exMM and I - that was NEVER a problem, lol. So, I am thinking I'm going to keep it at arm's length for now and just see how it plays out without me influencing it much at all. I will cross any bridges when/if I get there.

 

 

You see? You really aren't over your xMM.

 

Delve deeper into being honest with yourself about the MM...

[stevie_23]

I honestly didn't even want to be friends - simply bc I wasn't healed enough previously. Now though, almost 2 years out, I feel very much at peace with it all. I had fantasized a bit about being with him once he became single - but I had met SG and started dating him and had really fallen for him - so, exMM wasn't even on the table for me bc I wanted what I had with SG.

 

I think it's so strange sometimes how the universe works - and often times things just right for the perfect lineup. Not fate, but just this coincidental timing that happens at times in our lives where everything just lines up.

 

I think it's really difficult to be friends with someone who you have had a really intimate connection with. I wish it were more easily done, but I also understand that it wouldn't take much to reignite that fire between exMM and I - that was NEVER a problem, lol. So, I am thinking I'm going to keep it at arm's length for now and just see how it plays out without me influencing it much at all. I will cross any bridges when/if I get there.

 

Well, I only have one other ex, and she is my best friend. We were best friends from age 14 (and now we’re 34) and were together for 4 years, from age 18-22. So I guess maybe that’s a bit different since we were friends before and never STOPPED being friends during or after the relationship.

 

But I’m not USED to not having some sort of friendship with someone who meant so much to me at some stage, you know? It doesn’t seem natural. In an affair situation though, it’s different, because ANY sort of contact means more hiding from partners. That’s also why I wouldn’t be wanting any private messages or lengthy direct contact.

 

Also, he said he COULDN’T be with me anymore due to not being able to live 2 lives, hide from his wife anymore and all of that, so for him to now be ABLE to continue hiding a FRIENDSHIP, it’d be like…why’d you put me through all of that heartbreak if you COULD have had this contact with me still?

 

I also know full well that if we DID get back into any sort of detailed, lengthy direct / private contact, it wouldn’t be good for me. It would be very, very bad because all my questions and issues and unfinished business would return and I’d feel the need for closure and answers again. Answers he couldn’t provide (to my satisfaction). I don’t want to open that can of worms again.

[ThatJustHappened]

What claws???? I was confused as to what you meant and just asking for clarification, lol. I didn't think that this was a common scenario, so when you said that "everyone" and such - I was like, well heck, maybe this is really common and I just was not aware! lol

 

Honestly, no claws at all... thanks for the input! I see what you were trying to say now. And it's nice to hear someone say that "a lot of the same things that apply to regular relationships also apply to affairs" - I totally agree. I just didn't think this was really a "regular" scenario, so was confused.

 

And never said your opinion was invalid? Again, just didn't understand what you were trying to say so wanting clarification. Thanks!

 

Your first response came off as extremely defensive and a bit rude. Thank you for clarifying.

[Lillyfree]

sometimes a clean break is the best option. and i apply that to any sort of relationship, not just romantic kind.

 

if there was a reason for things to go south, if that person or the situation surrounding the relationship is in any way toxic, it's best to close the door and move on. anything else is just hanging on for the sake of it, and rarely benefits anyone.