Establishing a friendship with exMM

[stevie_23]

sometimes a clean break is the best option. and i apply that to any sort of relationship, not just romantic kind.

 

if there was a reason for things to go south, if that person or the situation surrounding the relationship is in any way toxic, it's best to close the door and move on. anything else is just hanging on for the sake of it, and rarely benefits anyone.

 

In my case, this is why I wouldn’t be able to get into anything direct, private, detailed with my ex-MM, because in our case it wasn’t us who had issues, it was the situation. And so that hasn’t changed and so we can’t have any proper interaction because nothing would be different.

 

But in terms of a vague sort of basic friendship, we could do that I think. Because it wouldn’t mean the same things as what we had before. No pressure, no expectations, no stress. It WOULD be different. But that’s why if it did happen, it’d have to only be very BASIC. Not a close friendship. If we both still feel love for one another, that’s fine but it’d be kept inside. On the outside, it’d be a basic friendship. Very casual. Not close friends.

[AnotherRound]

Your first response came off as extremely defensive and a bit rude. Thank you for clarifying.

 

Again, sorry - it was just a really short response bc I am multi-tasking - so I didn't add a lot of clarifying info - sorry! Really, just needing clarification... apologies

[AnotherRound]

In my case, this is why I wouldn’t be able to get into anything direct, private, detailed with my ex-MM, because in our case it wasn’t us who had issues, it was the situation. And so that hasn’t changed and so we can’t have any proper interaction because nothing would be different.

 

But in terms of a vague sort of basic friendship, we could do that I think. Because it wouldn’t mean the same things as what we had before. No pressure, no expectations, no stress. It WOULD be different. But that’s why if it did happen, it’d have to only be very BASIC. Not a close friendship. If we both still feel love for one another, that’s fine but it’d be kept inside. On the outside, it’d be a basic friendship. Very casual. Not close friends.

 

And that is part of the issue for me and exMM - in that, his situation is now nonexistent. The only thing that kept us from being together was his children and his fear of losing FT contact with them. Now, he is already suffering from that, so the worst that could happen has happened. So, there is now nothing stopping us from being together.

 

Even though I don't feel it right now, any desire to be with him in that way - I also know that the connection we had has always been strong - so strong. And, even though our convo last night was very platonic and friendly - that connection is still obviously very much there. The mutual respect and caring and all that... So, I can see it wouldn't be hard to slip back into it, even if it's not what I actively "want".

[AnotherRound]

sometimes a clean break is the best option. and i apply that to any sort of relationship, not just romantic kind.

 

if there was a reason for things to go south, if that person or the situation surrounding the relationship is in any way toxic, it's best to close the door and move on. anything else is just hanging on for the sake of it, and rarely benefits anyone.

 

And that is what is difficult I think. His marriage was toxic - he is no longer married - so the only toxin that used to affect us is now gone. I think we are both very aware of that looming there - and both were very careful last night to keep things very platonic and friendly, which wasn't hard at all - bc it really was the basis for our entire 7 years together.

 

I don't feel the need right now to get anything out of my system - I just felt like being there for him, and it was nice to be able to do that for him. Other than that - just neutral.

[stevie_23]

AH HAH. So his situation has changed and now he COULD be available to be with you? Hmm. Yes. Well, in that case, if you don’t want to get back together with him, and you question your ability to NOT get back together with him if you DO embark on a friendship, I would avoid it at all costs.

 

Why DON'T you want to be with him, may I ask?

[Lillyfree]

It WOULD be different. But that’s why if it did happen, it’d have to only be very BASIC. Not a close friendship. If we both still feel love for one another, that’s fine but it’d be kept inside. On the outside, it’d be a basic friendship. Very casual. Not close friends.

 

but isn't that even further complicating the situation? then you're not only lying to your partners, but to eachother and yourselves as well? it's just inviting trouble IMO.

 

but i can tell you this: you don't even know whether you'd want to be in any kind of contact after all this time. it could be that you think you do because the opportunity isn't there - but once you have it, you might just shrug and walk away.

 

i know i'm done. had a lightbulb moment over the weekend, when i have more time i'll write about it. will definitely stop the t/j, sorry op

[stevie_23]

but isn't that even further complicating the situation? then you're not only lying to your partners, but to eachother and yourselves as well? it's just inviting trouble IMO.

 

but i can tell you this: you don't even know whether you'd want to be in any kind of contact after all this time. it could be that you think you do because the opportunity isn't there - but once you have it, you might just shrug and walk away.

 

i know i'm done. had a lightbulb moment over the weekend, when i have more time i'll write about it. will definitely stop the t/j, sorry op

 

Well…I’m thinking if we were able to be friends at all, it’d go back to what we were like before we ever got together. Just casual posting on the forum we met on. Nothing more than that. His wife and my partner could read anything that was said. My partner knows about him as a friend seeing as we’ve known each other on some level since around early 2010. Nothing would be said that they couldn’t read. That’s the whole point and why NO private messages or direct personal contact would be what I’d want. It’d be too hard and complicated.

 

Actually, the reason why I’ve been thinking about this friendship stuff is because I DO have the opportunity. My ex-MM has returned to the forum we met on and that I still post on. He’s not posting much but he’s there again now. Technically I could respond to his posts, but I haven’t. I may at some stage if he says something I’d respond to anyway (like if it was anyone else on there who said it and I’d respond to them, etc). But I’m in no rush. I feel no stress about it at all.

[AnotherRound]

AH HAH. So his situation has changed and now he COULD be available to be with you? Hmm. Yes. Well, in that case, if you don’t want to get back together with him, and you question your ability to NOT get back together with him if you DO embark on a friendship, I would avoid it at all costs.

 

Why DON'T you want to be with him, may I ask?

 

Sure. Because I feel at peace with my decision to end it. I made a smart decision, but that decision had little to do with him as a person, and a lot to do with the dysfunctional combination of him and his exW. It was so hard to see him living so miserable bc he couldn't see the dysfunction and couldn't see that the best option would be to leave (he and his exW were both terrified of the big D).

 

I don't think that I couldn't resist - I think that I could easily slip back into actively loving him. Because, I never stopped loving him - it just dulled bc we weren't interacting and nurturing it. I did that on purpose bc I knew it would fade if I could create the distance and I know that anything not nurtured eventually dies to some extent. So, that was my plan, and it worked for me.

 

However, his love for me has not abated - as he has attempted many times to reconnect with me and expressed this. I understand that, bc I understand our connection - but I also knew that as long as he was in that toxic marriage, that I wasn't going to be able to respect him at the level I needed to bc of my inability to watch people live miserably simply out of fear of the unknown.

 

I just don't think we could keep us at friendship level - if we were friends, we would have never been such intimate lovers. So, I am sure that those feelings would be reawakened if we were to have that foundation of our relationship back - the connection of talking and having heart to hearts and such. It was the most important thing for both of us in our relationship, that we were able to have those open talks with one another - we are both very geared towards communication and thinking at deeper levels - and when we do it together (which was often) it just solidified that connection.

 

If we had just been together for sex - I think we could pull off the friendship thing by phone. But, for both of us, that talking and connecting was THE basis - so, to open that up again seems like it would put us right back in that bonding mode. Nothing makes me feel closer to someone than sharing the most intimate details of our lives together, our hopes and dreams, fears and worries - and it's the same for him.

[stevie_23]

Sure. Because I feel at peace with my decision to end it. I made a smart decision, but that decision had little to do with him as a person, and a lot to do with the dysfunctional combination of him and his exW. It was so hard to see him living so miserable bc he couldn't see the dysfunction and couldn't see that the best option would be to leave (he and his exW were both terrified of the big D).

 

I don't think that I couldn't resist - I think that I could easily slip back into actively loving him. Because, I never stopped loving him - it just dulled bc we weren't interacting and nurturing it. I did that on purpose bc I knew it would fade if I could create the distance and I know that anything not nurtured eventually dies to some extent. So, that was my plan, and it worked for me.

 

However, his love for me has not abated - as he has attempted many times to reconnect with me and expressed this. I understand that, bc I understand our connection - but I also knew that as long as he was in that toxic marriage, that I wasn't going to be able to respect him at the level I needed to bc of my inability to watch people live miserably simply out of fear of the unknown.

 

I just don't think we could keep us at friendship level - if we were friends, we would have never been such intimate lovers. So, I am sure that those feelings would be reawakened if we were to have that foundation of our relationship back - the connection of talking and having heart to hearts and such. It was the most important thing for both of us in our relationship, that we were able to have those open talks with one another - we are both very geared towards communication and thinking at deeper levels - and when we do it together (which was often) it just solidified that connection.

 

If we had just been together for sex - I think we could pull off the friendship thing by phone. But, for both of us, that talking and connecting was THE basis - so, to open that up again seems like it would put us right back in that bonding mode. Nothing makes me feel closer to someone than sharing the most intimate details of our lives together, our hopes and dreams, fears and worries - and it's the same for him.

 

Yeah, I see. That makes it even more difficult to avoid going back to him if he wanted that. Because it wasn’t you as a couple that was the problem, it was the other stuff – he and his ex-wife, you say. Hmm.

 

But if his situation has changed and that combo of him and his ex-W is no longer an issue, would you be happier with him (if it really was JUST you and him) than you are now?

 

My ex and I were also very emotionally open and had many, MANY deep introspective talks, philosophical discussions, relationship discussions, etc. All the time. We both loved that. Deep thinkers, we were. Deep emotional bonding.

[AnotherRound]

Yeah, I see. That makes it even more difficult to avoid going back to him if he wanted that. Because it wasn’t you as a couple that was the problem, it was the other stuff – he and his ex-wife, you say. Hmm.

 

But if his situation has changed and that combo of him and his ex-W is no longer an issue, would you be happier with him (if it really was JUST you and him) than you are now?

 

My ex and I were also very emotionally open and had many, MANY deep introspective talks, philosophical discussions, relationship discussions, etc. All the time. We both loved that. Deep thinkers, we were. Deep emotional bonding.

 

There is a part of me that would like that - being with him in this non-toxic environment now that he and his exW aren't together any more. But there's also a part of me that hates to get re-involved bc I have healed so much. I have no issues trusting him, and it's not about anything other than - I was JUST broken up with by SG and I just feel - tired? I am a bit emotionally tired, and thinking of getting back into that deep of a love seems a bit daunting to me right now.

 

And, the reality of all of the baggage that would come with him - the exW being some of that. She was always aware of me, but is obvs not my biggest fan. So, there would be that to deal with - just an extra thing that I feel is tiresome.

 

And honestly, right now - he still has some healing to do, especially regarding coming to terms with his now limited contact with his children. That is really hard for him. And he mentioned that he and his IC had discussed that it would be best for him to be alone for a while - and I agree with that. He needs some time - so, I don't want to interrupt that progress - ya know? He feels like since it's been over a year since he moved out that he should be further than he is - but I think he's doing pretty well considering the dysfunction they were both a part of in that marriage.

 

So for me, it's more about making good decisions for myself, and for him - and for doing things in the most appropriate way. Right now, I just don't know what is best - but I'm sure as time goes on, I will be able to see that more clearly. Then I can make better decisions regarding it all. I think our connection is strong and that waiting to do anything - friends or anything - isn't going to hurt that connection (as proven by the convo last night). So, there's no hurry - except he is a bit older than me and he does worry about that.

 

I guess for me, the main thing is - am I ready to be in that heavy of a relationship again right now? And with him? I'm not sure - I'm not even sure if want to as right now I just don't "want" to. I feel like we would probably be good together - but I also know how much energy a deep relationship takes - and I'm just not sure I want that right now, even with him. Does that even make sense? lol

[AnotherRound]

Yeah, I see. That makes it even more difficult to avoid going back to him if he wanted that. Because it wasn’t you as a couple that was the problem, it was the other stuff – he and his ex-wife, you say. Hmm.

 

But if his situation has changed and that combo of him and his ex-W is no longer an issue, would you be happier with him (if it really was JUST you and him) than you are now?

 

My ex and I were also very emotionally open and had many, MANY deep introspective talks, philosophical discussions, relationship discussions, etc. All the time. We both loved that. Deep thinkers, we were. Deep emotional bonding.

 

And ps - yes about the deep emotional bonding. I promise, there are times that I wish it had just been sex between us - bc that would be a heck of a lot easier to let go and easier to avoid happening again. But that level of bonding on an emotional level is rare in this life and honestly, he is the one that I have had that with the MOST - so, not so easy to ignore, and so easy to get back into.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, it definitely makes sense.

 

In that case, I'd be friends but VERY arm's length friends, like I'd be with my ex-MM. If you can't do that safely, then don't be friends...you know?

 

Do you worry that you might one day want to be with him, when your heart and emotions have recovered and you have more energy in that way to devote to a relationship, and by that time he may have left cause you didn't maintain any sort of friendship in the meantime?

[2sunny]

Sure. Because I feel at peace with my decision to end it. I made a smart decision, but that decision had little to do with him as a person, and a lot to do with the dysfunctional combination of him and his exW. It was so hard to see him living so miserable bc he couldn't see the dysfunction and couldn't see that the best option would be to leave (he and his exW were both terrified of the big D).

 

I don't think that I couldn't resist - I think that I could easily slip back into actively loving him. Because, I never stopped loving him - it just dulled bc we weren't interacting and nurturing it. I did that on purpose bc I knew it would fade if I could create the distance and I know that anything not nurtured eventually dies to some extent. So, that was my plan, and it worked for me.

 

However, his love for me has not abated - as he has attempted many times to reconnect with me and expressed this. I understand that, bc I understand our connection - but I also knew that as long as he was in that toxic marriage, that I wasn't going to be able to respect him at the level I needed to bc of my inability to watch people live miserably simply out of fear of the unknown.

 

I just don't think we could keep us at friendship level - if we were friends, we would have never been such intimate lovers. So, I am sure that those feelings would be reawakened if we were to have that foundation of our relationship back - the connection of talking and having heart to hearts and such. It was the most important thing for both of us in our relationship, that we were able to have those open talks with one another - we are both very geared towards communication and thinking at deeper levels - and when we do it together (which was often) it just solidified that connection.

 

If we had just been together for sex - I think we could pull off the friendship thing by phone. But, for both of us, that talking and connecting was THE basis - so, to open that up again seems like it would put us right back in that bonding mode. Nothing makes me feel closer to someone than sharing the most intimate details of our lives together, our hopes and dreams, fears and worries - and it's the same for him.

 

Can you see why the SG thought you were still hung up on your MM?

 

You think and post a lot - for a gal who is saying she feels neutral...

[wisernow]

You know, AR, it's a whole other thing.

 

You're single, he's single. You're very smart and evolved. Go forth and prosper. You aren't the OW and he's not the MM, perhaps you can get better advice in the dating portion of this site. I wish you luck and much happiness.

 

I hope you'll not over analyze the situation and have some fun.

 

Good luck!

Edited March 25, 2013 by wisernow

[AnotherRound]

Yeah, it definitely makes sense.

 

In that case, I'd be friends but VERY arm's length friends, like I'd be with my ex-MM. If you can't do that safely, then don't be friends...you know?

 

Do you worry that you might one day want to be with him, when your heart and emotions have recovered and you have more energy in that way to devote to a relationship, and by that time he may have left cause you didn't maintain any sort of friendship in the meantime?

 

Nah, I'm not worried about missing an opportunity. I truly believe the universe works exactly as it is supposed to, and that if we are "meant" to be together, it will happen without either of us forcing it or manipulating it. I will participate at my comfort level for now - and hope that he isn't hurt in the process if he wants more and I don't. That is my biggest fear in all this.

 

I want him to be healthy and happy - if that is without me, with someone else, I am 100% supportive of that. I tend to not let things ruin my day or my life, lol... I just take it as it comes and do the best I can, and know that everything works out exactly the way it is supposed to. And, I know that I am in control of very little in this world, and I accept that gracefully (and gladly!) and let those things take their course.

[whichwayisup]

Well, there's no rush on anything to happen so just take it step by step and shield your heart, don't let yourself get too emotionally attached or involved in his life. He does need more time to work through his stuff, be on his own, and heal. The timing is very off for any real relationship to form, and for you as well, since you've just come off a break up.

I don't think that I couldn't resist - I think that I could easily slip back into actively loving him. Because, I never stopped loving him - it just dulled bc we weren't interacting and nurturing it. I did that on purpose bc I knew it would fade if I could create the distance and I know that anything not nurtured eventually dies to some extent. So, that was my plan, and it worked for me.

 

However, his love for me has not abated - as he has attempted many times to reconnect with me and expressed this. I understand that, bc I understand our connection - but I also knew that as long as he was in that toxic marriage, that I wasn't going to be able to respect him at the level I needed to bc of my inability to watch people live miserably simply out of fear of the unknown.

 

Yup, all the more reason to take it slowly.

[Catplates]

YOur story is all too familiar to me. It happened to me several times after long periods of NC.

 

It always ended back in an A.

 

I wonder if you are kidding yourself about your ability to be objective.. especally if he still has feelings for you??????

[AnotherRound]

YOur story is all too familiar to me. It happened to me several times after long periods of NC.

 

It always ended back in an A.

 

I wonder if you are kidding yourself about your ability to be objective.. especally if he still has feelings for you??????

 

Well, it wouldn't be the open marriage situation that we had before bc they are divorced. And no, not kidding myself - that's why I'm hesitating, bc I'm very aware that the connection we had could have a very strong pull. Was your MM still married and then reconnected with you?

[AnotherRound]

Just an update - exMM and I have not spoken since our last conversation. My Grandfather passed away yesterday evening, and I am pretty emotionally exhausted right now. I have been busy since hearing the news - making plans to travel out of state for the funeral.

 

Anyway, exBF heard the news through a mutual friend about my Grandfather and sent me a message today. Telling me he was sorry for my loss, and asking if I was going to the funeral (as he and I just made the same trip late last year when my father was killed).

 

I have no idea what is up with him, what is up with exMM - what is up with men in general I guess. I feel like I have two really great men who seem to want to be with me in some ways (exMM and SGexbf) but then, it just doesn't pan out for whatever reason.

 

I'm feeling pretty ambivalent about it all right now - as obviously they are not my priority right now, my family and getting to the funeral is. But, I also know that once I get back to my hometown, I'm going to be fielding a lot of questions about exBF and why he isn't there - and I just don't have the energy to get into it. And, my family knew about exMM - so, there might be questions regarding that too (as they all thought we would end up together).

 

So - remind me again of how we are supposed to take care of ourselves emotionally - eat right, exercise, have down time - bc I have a feeling that this week is going to be a long and rough one. Any ideas on an autopilot answer to questions about the exbf? I was thinking maybe something like, "Who?"... I know, not funny really - but kind of funny... bc then I could just blow it off maybe?

[whichwayisup]

Hugs to you AR...Sorry for your loss, condolences to you and your whole family.

[whichwayisup]

So - remind me again of how we are supposed to take care of ourselves emotionally - eat right, exercise, have down time - bc I have a feeling that this week is going to be a long and rough one. Any ideas on an autopilot answer to questions about the exbf? I was thinking maybe something like, "Who?"... I know, not funny really - but kind of funny... bc then I could just blow it off maybe?

 

Hire a cook!

 

Make time for yourself, even if it's 20 mins or half an hour. It'll make a big difference in your stress levels this week.

 

If people ask, (don't volunteer any info first) just say things didn't work out but now isn't the time to get into it.

 

Sick humour is the best! though I won't say what came into my mind that you should say, as some people probably wouldn't find it funny. Death for some reason brings it out, when my father passed away my sis/bro and I, even my mom too had some pretty bad humour at times, but it kept us going and relieved some of the intensity and stress.

 

Put you first, forget exbf and exMM for a little bit. They know how to get a hold of you to offer support. Has your ex mentioned about him possibly going with you? Just wondering.

[2sunny]

Hugs - and I'm sorry for this rough time.

 

You can just tell them this trip you don't intend to discuss your personal life... You're there for family and to be supportive to them.

[AnotherRound]

Hugs to you AR...Sorry for your loss, condolences to you and your whole family.

 

Thank you - It was just 4 months ago that I was back home burying my Dad. I was kind of hoping for a much longer breather between deaths - but these things run on their own timeline - and are completely out of my control of course.

 

If I thought I wasn't ready for a friendship with exMM yesterday, then today I am so emotionally spent that I KNOW I'm not ready for anything with anyone right now.

[AnotherRound]

Hire a cook!

 

Make time for yourself, even if it's 20 mins or half an hour. It'll make a big difference in your stress levels this week.

 

If people ask, (don't volunteer any info first) just say things didn't work out but now isn't the time to get into it.

 

Sick humour is the best! though I won't say what came into my mind that you should say, as some people probably wouldn't find it funny. Death for some reason brings it out, when my father passed away my sis/bro and I, even my mom too had some pretty bad humour at times, but it kept us going and relieved some of the intensity and stress.

 

Put you first, forget exbf and exMM for a little bit. They know how to get a hold of you to offer support. Has your ex mentioned about him possibly going with you? Just wondering.

 

Exbf didn't mention it - but it sort of seemed odd that he asked me if I was going. I didn't want to read anything into it, but he has seemed pretty uninterested in my life since we broke up - and we had actually had a disagreement while there for my Dad's funeral in early December. While we were there for that, together, exMM had called me and his name had shown up on my phone. I hadn't blocked him as of yet, bf and I had only been dating about a month then - but bf was NOT happy that exMM called me - understandably.

 

So, I'm sure that me going back to my hometown (my family loved exbf and he them) is bringing up some things for him - but he didn't say anything after asking if I was going. I simply said that I was trying to go (just waiting to have leave cleared by work) and he stopped responding at that point. He maybe wants to go - but, I don't know.

 

I still say that if I had my choice between exbf and exMM I would choose exbf, hands down. IF I had a choice in the matter with exbf, which I really don't. So, I'm not sure how I would respond if he asked to go with me... it would be awkward as we have been out of touch and such (even before the break up he had begun to distance himself).

 

ExMM has no idea that my Grandfather died, I didn't notify him. The way my luck goes, exMM will call while I'm in my hometown and learn that I'm out of state again - and probably feel disconnected from me bc I didn't let him know about my Grandfather (who exMM knows I was very very close with throughout my whole life).

 

Anyway, you guys are right - I need down time, relaxation - probably a few drinks with my cooler family members - some of which I haven't seen in years. So, although it's a sad occasion - it's also a chance to reconnect with a lot of my family and childhood friends - which is always a lot of fun.

 

Thanks for the kind words and thought.