Seeking Advice for a Married Man About to be Unmarried

[Prodigal_Son]

Hi,

 

This is my story. In 2000, I went to Russia (Moscow) for a vacation. It was a family trip. My family is half Russian and half French, so I speak a little of both (enough to get by). My grandmother had arrived there a week before the rest of us. Upon my arrival with my father, we were supposed to be picked up by my cousin. Apparently, my cousin was too sick or busy to make it so instead of seeing her at the airport, I saw my grandmother standing next to the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.

 

I was stunned. My knees weakened at the sight of her. I will never forget that moment. Not for an instant then did it cross my mind that my grandmother was beginning the set-up of a lifetime, at once accomplishing her desire to see me finally get hitched to a nice Russian woman and at the same time helping this woman to experience something better in men that what she's experienced in Russia. Yes, we Canadians have a good rep around the world.

 

As we drove to my hotel, i just stared at her thorugh the rear-view mirror. It felt like a cattle prod had just been speared into my heart. I was on fire inside. I wanted her so badly. And not just sexually. I mean, I wanted to wake up to this woman every day for the rest of my life, though I knew absolutely nothing about her. I was infatuated.

 

In my first week there, I went out with my cousin, her boyfrined and this woman several times. The woman of my dreams was very quiet, very pleasant. Not loud or abnoxious, but also not very conversational. I was content to just be with her. Our limited ability to communicate made things rather hard, but somehow we just fumbled our way through conversations. I learned that she had a boyfrined, and I had no intent of going out with her alone. In fact, I was intimidated by the thought. I'm a great lookng guy and I have had had many beautiful women, but somethng about her just felt unaccessible to me. Until my cousin called me one afternoon and suggested I take her out. When I mentioned her boyfrined, she just said that he was bad for her. I said okay, and that is where my life began to change.

 

In the next three weeks, we dated several times. Very romantic. Gorky Park,the Kremlin, Red Square. These are all very romantic places to be kissing the woman of your dreams. I was a Canadian in Moscow (my first time in Europe) kissing a woman whose beauty I could not have previously envisioned, under the stars next to St.Basil's Cathedral. It was heaven. We did not have sex during this time. She said it was too fast, and the she had a boyfrined of 6 years, who was also her boss. I did not let this bother me, though I have always been weary of women who are gold-diggers, (did I mention that she picked us up at the airport in a BMW? Not my original conception of Moscow women. I thought they would be plain jane girls wearing potato sacks and leaves for shoes or something like that).

 

So, to sum up ths bit of the story, we had a few dates, kissed a lot, talked very little and liked each other tons. I had met other women in Moscow as well, though none who left any mark such as she did. When I left, I was sad. I emailed her, and she returned a few of my emails and then just stopped. So I stopped too.

 

Flash forward 6 months. I have a new girlfriend now in Toronto where I live. I am at my cottage having fun and windsurfing and all that, when the phone rings. We don't get a lot of phone calls at the cottage so I was a little surprised, but not nearly as surprised as I was when I hear HER voice on the other end. "Hi," she says. "I want to come and visit you."

 

My word just stoped. It was like ion the movies when you hear something deep, and everything around you just stops. After unfreezing myself, I talked with her a bit. I asked what happened with her boyfriend and she just said they broke up and she wanted to come and visit me. I said yes. Two days later, I broke up with my girlfriend. I did this to prepare for what I hoped would be the RIGHT woman. I learned that it would take 3 months for her to apply for a visitor's Visa. I waited. I learned then that the visitor visa was denied. During that thre months, our communication was consistent. I had begunto develop, or should say re-develop my feelings for her. I guess it was the same for her. I guess.

 

You can probably guess the story from this point. The only way she could come here was for me to call her my fiancee. This is a 1.5 year long process, involving a lot of bureaocratcic red tape, me being audited by the government pretty much, health checks, and about a thousand other unpleasantries, not to mention the excruciating year long wait. But finally, it happened. The moment arrived when it was my turn to pick her up from the airport.

 

We had three months in which to be married or she would be deported back to Russia. This was to be the three months I am least proud of in my entire life, though still feel somewhat justified for. This woman asked me nothing about my life. She expressed no interest in who I was, what I was about etc... and I am an expressive personality (can you tell?) that craves intelligent conversation and thoughtful debate. But I was strangely hurt by her lack of interest in anything meaningful about me. It was like routing. I go to work, I come home to dinner and a beautiful woman waiting for me.....probably a lot of guy's dream situations. So what do I do? I panic.

 

You see, durng the course of time it took for her to get here, I was plagued by doubts from friends and family, about the stereotypical Russian mail order bride syndrome. It was beaten in to me that I shoudl wake up and smell the fact that she could just be trying to get to Canada. I was concerned about this, but did not let it show during the waiting time. This was a big mistake. I did not once voice any serious concerns I had while she was sill in Moscow. I was too hell-bent on just getting her here and I did not want oruin anything. The only thing I did mention was what would she do if it did not work between us, to which she replied she would go back home. Ya, right.

 

So, back to our time here. The date of marriage is about two months away, Thehoneymoon is over, and reality sets in. The sex is great, the vibe is good, but something is eating away the back of my brain and I can't place it. Is it a fear of marriage to someone I barely know? Is it my suspciions of her true intentions? Is it the ehings I begin to learn about her past life that bother me? And should things about someone's past have any affect on the present anway? Unfortunately, for me they do. I could not stop obsessing about the marriage, about her past boyfrined, who I learned a was a millionaire and the only black man living in her town (her hometown is not Moscow). Why did this bother me? I'm not racist. I have black friends. Some of my family members are in interracial relationships. Perhaps I thought that she had a fetish or something, since it was the ONLY one out of millions.of white people. But I think the real reason it bothered me so much is that she lied about it. There was a morning when I finally told her that I was surprised she wanted to learn nothing about me. And I pleaded with her to just ask me something, anything about my life. Her question was this: Have you ever slept with a black woman? I said no. Iasked her if she had, and she said no. It was only later when I was helping her with her resume and doing research on her past work that I read about her previous boyfriend being black. Why did she lie? So then I began obsessing about questions like, what else is she lying about, does she have fetishes, is she a gold-digger, why did they break up and why did she call me so soon after, am I ready to marry someone, is she using me for canadian status (the only thing her rich guy could NOT offer) etc.....I became very worried, jealous and scared about the marriage. Actually, the marriage almost didn't happen. She was very mad at me for the way I was acting, which was unhappy and distanced. My concerns were obvious. She threatened to not marry me, and then I snapped out of it long enough to ensure that we did in fact get married, because even though I was not ready to marry her, I was more unprepared to never see her again.

 

After the marriage, we tried living together for awhile but we had very different interests in things. Tv, Music, Movies, Food etc....the only things we really had in common were sports and great sex! I mean, the sex was terrific for both of us. Very passionate. But eventually, the problems created in the beginining by my obsessions and doubts began to make things too difficult to live together. She needed so much more than I could give. She wanted me to read her mind about whatever it is she desired. She would not just tell me. No, that would be too easy. I had to guess, and if I didn't guess properly I would hear all about it. My need to communicate and her lack of communication desire was killing us. I could not feel relaxed. I wondered constantly about things and could not just be in the moment. I was ruiniing the present by thinking only of the past and the future. We decided it would be better to live apart for awhile and just date - something we never really had a chance to do properly.

 

That too eventually failed, and she left me. I was so hurt and felt so guilty. My grandmother kept telling me how awful my behaviour was. I tried to explain my side of it but she was so convinced that this woman was the real deal, she would hear nothing of my words. So there I was, alone in a failed marriage while my wife was living with my grandmother. I was bent on getting her back. And I suceeded several times. We went through a phase of being together and breaking up, being together and breaking up. It was all so unhealthy and it really took a toll on me. Even though our marriage was a graceless, 5 minute meeting at City Hall, I still felt the sense of commitment and vows. She had been married before, I learned (not to the rich guy), but i never had. I had always though my first marriage woud be my last, and so I tried moving the Earth to make things work. But she was not interested. She learned English, got a job, got friends, and was perfectly fine without me.

 

I have been trying for the past 6 months to win her back. Promises, poems. inviatations, honest words of change and love, everything under the sun but nothing. Finally, about three weeks ago I gave up trying. I met a girl (ironically black) and we got along really well. I began to accept that I would have to end the marriage for good. 5 days ago my wife called me and said she wants to try again. Again, it was like one of those movie moments where everything freezes. I didn't jump back in. I waited a couple of days until she called again, and again, and then I agreed to meet with her. My reasoning was very simple. Perhaps not right, but simple. If she had not been with another man during our time apart, I would consider working on things. I don't draw the line about a lot of things in my life, but I drew the line on this one. PErhaps I should be more open minded and forgiving, but alas, I am not. I just could not live with the knowledge that she left our marriage, was with another man, and then came back to me after all the despair I went through trying to save the marriage.

 

She came to my new apartment on Saturday evening. I picked her up. We echanged pleasantres about work etc....and then we got to my place. I sat next to her on the couch. She said she felt like crying because we had lost so much. I hugged her. And then I asked her the question I had been dreading the answer to for a long time. Had she been with someone else. She avoided the question with such ferocity, saying that it had been so long and I have no right to ask that question, reminding me that she did not ask me this question. But then, had she ever really asked me any questions at all? I said that if she wanted to know I would tell her. I said I do not want to be hurt by finding out later if something did happen. I wanted to get it out of the way now so that I could make the right decision for myself. Finally after a half an hour of scolding me, she said yes, angrily. And then she said, Now what? I said, now I take you home. She said no, I'll go myself. I let her go.

 

I got an email from her the next day saying Why? What happened? She said she thought I understood something. I have no idea what she meant. She said I could not be normal or happy with anyone. Maybe it's true, though I;m starting to feel somewhat normal with the girl I met. And yes, I am aware of the double standars I am preaching. Why is it okay if I was with someone else during that time but it's not okay if she was? My answer is this. I was forced into a position of needing to move on, not by choice but by necessity. My first choice was my wife, and my marriage. Her first choice was to leave the marriage. I had told her a long time ago during my attempts at saving the marriage that I would always be there for her, as long as she had not crossed the line of fidelity. I told her that I would accept all the pain she had caused me and would work for the rest of my life to endsure her happiness, but I would not go back to her if she slept with another man. She knew that was my only condition. And yet she still did it. That is waht I cannot accept. BUt to make things even more complicated, my grandmother phnoned me today to say she had spoken with her, and that it is possible she just told me she had been with another man out of anger. Wha???? So now I have to guess agian about her sincerity. I almost felt like the door was finally closed. It almost felt as though all the pain and depression that having hope caused me could subside, by the fact that I could finally have no hope. A quick pull of the bandaid is better for me than a long, slow removal.

But now my grandmother has put a litt le bit of that bandaid I ripped off back in place. And I am terribly confused about either ripping it the rest of the way, or tryin to re-attach it.

 

If you've read this far, I thank you. If you want the long version, let me know (wink wink). Any advice is appreciated.

[Karlise13]

I am not sure where to even start.

 

This entire episode is so obviously painful and heart-wrenching for you, it was difficult to read. I really feel for you. You sound pretty banged-up emotionally and it's going to take some time for you to sort through all this.

 

Quite honestly, I will have to read it again before offering much in the way of advice.

 

However, I'm sure by now you've figured out that a lot of this 'relationship' was constructed on fantasy. You knew little of each other, didn't communicate much, didn't share much in the way of interests. Yet you took vows to spend a lifetime together.

 

Even highly compatible people with a strong foundation flounder during some parts of their marriage. There are conflicts and rough patches where the couple learns to negotiate with each other and set boundaries. Obviously difficult for any couple. INCREDIBLY difficult for a couple that has had little to base a "lifetime together" on.

 

 

Have you truly been in love before?

 

Infatuation is magnificent and powerful, but it doesn't mean you are compatible,nor does it mean that your feelings will last forever.

Whatever it is that spells 'true beauty' or 'perfection' that is hard-wired into your brain was tripped up by her particular bone structure, coloring, stature, whatever. Beauty is wonderful. Beauty is deceptive. That is why marketing execs (who are well-paid) study what it is that will get us slavering, hot and bothered enough to drop $10K on a watch.

 

Make it beautiful.

Present it beautifully.

Use appealing verbiage, gorgeous salespeople, emotionally moving music. Create an aura.

 

Beauty sells. It really does.

 

Anyway, you 'fell' for this girl but you knew little about her. It would concern me GREATLY if someone didn't ask me about myself. You want to spend your life with me but don't want to know how I am?

 

I think this girl is a few marks short of a reality check.

 

Do you think she was possibly 'in love' with your American-ism? Your striking cheekbones? Your witty banter?

 

It would also bother me a great deal to find someone I'm newly involved with is lying to me about something pretty big. Why does it bother you? Because it's not the truth.

It's not the truth! And you want the truth! It's as simple as that.

 

When you are 'in love' or 'infatuated' and the first crack in the wall shows up, it's devastating. It can lead to paranoid feelings.

 

I don't know how 'awful' your behavior actually was relative to the situation. You will have to work that out for yourself. But this entire relationship seems very confusing, uncomfortable, unpleasant (except for the sex & sports part)

 

Not once in any of your paragraphs did you ever mention anything that would indicate you felt comfortable, at home, safe, secure, connected or close to this woman. The 'inaccessibility' is the common thread.

 

Sorry to hear about this painful experience. I hope you can move on from it.

 

What can I say except that

[Prodigal_Son]

Wow. That was the most amazing and intelligent feedback I've ever gotten about this subject. Not only did you make me feel better, you said some things I've been trying desperately to say to myself, but couldn't. I thank you sincerely for your wisdom and honesty. It truly helped. And yes, I have been emotionally banged up about this for quite some time. Your reply to my post has shown some light at the end of the tunnel. Love ya.

[Karlise13]

I'm sure some of the other posters here will also have some good feedback for you.

 

Best wishes