Some on how to break cycles

[RandomName12]

Hello everyone, first of all thank you for reading.

 

I am 22 and over the past few years it dawned on me that my lifestyle was very damaging to me both physically and mentally as well as stopping me from actually achieving the things I want to do with my life, because of this I am trying to make efforts to change my life but with little success.

 

I have always been a very intelligent person and did very well academically despite putting in little effort, at age 11 I started smoking cigarettes and cannabis and started dealing at age 13. From what I can remember I wasn't a very happy child (I have few memories from age 12 13 previous) although I don't think I went through any specific trauma, it was only me and my mother growing up and I rarely saw her as she used to work 12 - 14 hour days 6 to 7 days a week and I would rarely return home until night time where I would just make something to eat and then go to sleep. This got in the way of my schooling a lot and as a result I left secondary school (I am from England) with average grades. In an effort to stop me getting into trouble (I was arrested numerous times as a child, however not for violent crimes on others etc, I am mostly a mild mannered person) me and my mum came to a mutual agreement that I should leave my neighborhood and stay with a friends family two hundred miles away.

 

For the first half a year I did quite well, I drank and smoked quite a bit socially but cut out all drug use and was attending college to do my A-Levels, however the lack of money bothered me as well as living under someone else's roof without providing for myself as I have always been quite fiercely independent. Due to this I started getting back into the drug scene and started selling class A drugs (Mainly ecstacy and cocaine) as well as using on a regular basis. I was not allowed back into college for my second year due to the trouble it caused and found myself getting arrested again when I was 17. Due to this I was moved into a hostile and put on a probation order in which I had to do community service as well as activities to nurture some of my interests.

 

This actually turned out to be a very positive thing in my life in which I started volunteering at a semi professional music studio as well as running songwriting workshops for children between the ages of 7 - 11. Due to money trouble however I started selling cannabis again after a few months and using heavily, I had started a relationship with a girl who was mentally ill (problems with self harm, depression and who was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder) we were very deeply in love however it started getting very overwhelming caring for her and I stopped going to the studio once my probation order was finished. After a year and a half we broke up, I was selling cannabis consistently to feed our 'need' for eat as well as working part time cleaning, after we broke up I rented out a small bedsit but had no possesions due to selling them all to keep us going through hard times.

 

Throughout the next year all I did was sell cannabis with very little social contact other than making drops and pickups, although I did very well for myself I was very depressed and felt an overwhelming feeling of being completely alone, I rarely talked to my mother, I have always found it very hard to trust and generally shut people out so don't have many friends. The police were putting a lot of pressure on me at this time as well as having been robbed by a gang in the area who were trying to track down where I lived in order to rob me again (it was a street robbery and they didn't managed to take very much off of me) I also was living with a flatmate who used a lot of class B and A drugs, and at the time I only smoked cannabis and had no desire to be around any other drugs despite experimenting lightly with acid.

 

Eventually I moved from the city I moved into a small town where nobody knew me and found a full time factory job and quit dealing.

 

This was a year ago, materialistically I have done very well for myself (In a nice flat which is kitted out nicely) however I have been making a massive effort to cut my addictions out (smoking tobacco and cannabis) and start taking care of my body. I also want to make an effort at returning to studies as I do not want to be stuck in minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life.

 

The problem herein lies that the few social connections I have still have their lives revolving around what I am trying to get away from. I get periods where I have a massive longing for social connections and so when I have a period (I'm talking a week or so at a time) where I don't smoke anything and eat properly I end up going to see friends and go right back into the same cycle of smoking cannabis everyday, not eating and looking after myself and get the same depressing thoughts of self doubt and hopelessness. My financial situation is terrible due to not dealing and this is now more than ever having a serious impact on my life. My physical health seems to be declining and I don't look healthy anymore.

On top of this it is having an effect on my social connections at work as some weeks I am very confident, chatty and good to be around (which I enjoy very much) whereas others I am almost completely silent due to not being able to get out of my own head so to speak.

 

So does anyone have some ideas as to how I can help myself break these cycles? I very strongly want to the way I have been living my life from a very early age but for so long all this just seemed normal to me, like a majority of people grew up and lived in similar situations which, over time is becoming abundantly clear isn't the case, I can make connections with people but find I don't seem to see life in similar ways as most people apart from those I want to distance myself from. This results in me having little self control over my actions.

 

Sorry for the long post, I guess this is me partially venting as well but any opinions on the matter would be greatly appreciated. I am not looking for any sympathy I just wrote my brief history in order to give you a better idea of the way I see things.

Edited March 24, 2013 by RandomName12

[RandomName12]

Ah damnit.

 

I mean 'Some Advice on how to Break Cycles'.

[surferchic]

Hi there. Sorry you're going through this. Guess what, there are many others like you... You will get through this. Continue to express your feelings here and/ or in a journal and reflect when possible. Cycles occur sometimes when we're searching for something. Sounds like you're searching for peace.

 

I suggest that in those times when you feel pretty positive about your life, make notes/journal what it is that's making you feel positive. Try staying focused by surrounding yourself with only things and people who make you feel more positive than negative. If this means being solitary for a while then so be it. This is about you. When you're ready rebuild relationships with people without alienating them completely even now.

 

Movement and natural light also give your body a natural high. Even when you don't feel like it, get out and just walk if nothing else.

 

How is your diet? You may need to go on a fast, perhaps just one day to clear your mind and body. Then fast longer if you can in order to replenish your body with good things. You'd be surprised to know how food and preservatives affect our mental state...making us feel stagnant.

 

Lastly, keep expressing your feelings and thoughts here and or in a private journal.

[SmithWood]

It sounds such as good advice plus it probably would help you feel much better, but exactly how are you currently likely to start off working out when you are able hardly get out of bed along with take a shower every day?

 

When you find yourself from the throes regarding major depression, it’s challenging to summon the power to perform anything, especially training, re-connecting with friends and family, and also ingesting balanced and healthy diet. Perhaps using your medicine can experience as being a chore.