Is this inappropriate? Feel like breaking it off.

[chelsea2011]

Went on a date to see a live show and there was a girl that planted herself next to us and began talking to us. Everytime she got up to go get something we would have to let her by and she would put her hand on my dates chest as she passed. When he got up to let her out she put her hands on his shoulder, touched his chest and would almost put her body up against his. He seemed to enjoy it! The the last time she came back she sat there posing like crazy and flipping her hair like she wanted to get his attention. He would constantly bend forward and stare at her feet as she had on heels and was arching her feet in a way that look sexy. I felt so uncomfortable and it ruined the evening for me to be honest. It was so obvious AND bad that I felt like I should just switch seats and let him go ahead and enjoy the show with her.

 

Now here is the problem. I mentioned it to him as we were leaving and he completely discounted my feelings as if I was being silly and said, "oh, she was just being friendly." THEN she made a point to walk across our path as we were leaving.

 

I should also mention that he has had jealousy issues with me and believe me, if the shoe were on the other foot there would have been hell to pay from him. I don't trust him now. I don't feel safe opening my heart to him because I feel like he would be careless with it. I feel like breaking it off now before I get any more invested in this situation. It's a situation that I don't want or need if that is how it's going to be.

 

Was he just being naive or is this a red flag? Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Poppy fields]

Guys check out other girls all the time. However, they do it discretely if they have any respect for their partner. That, coupled with his jealousy, are big red flags. Most of the time when people are overly jealous, they are trying to hide the fact that they are the one that can't be trusted.

[chelsea2011]

Thank you for the reply. That is what I was thinking about the jealousy on his part. I do understand that guys check out other women all the time, but this situation was really in my face and that's why it was so disturbing. Especially since if it were me doing that?!...there would have been definite h*ll to pay! I know it sounds like I might be blowing it out of proportion, but I'm really not. It was so in my face that it was really hard to ignore.

 

I dunno...there were a lot of little things that happened over the course of the evening that just made me feel weary of going any further. The situation with this woman was just the straw that broke the camels back. (pardon the cliche') I am at a point in my life where I do not want to be in a situation with someone that I feel would be careless with my heart. I've been through a lot and do not want to settle for a relationship that isn't providing me with what I want or need. If I am feeling unsafe then I should just break it off and call it a day.

[salparadise]

The problem here is that it's to access whether or how much he actually contributed. If this other girl was being as blatant as you describe then it would've been a nearly impossible situation for him to manage. Guys have egos even if they're usually in control of it. It's hard not to look when somebody is strutting and touching and doing everything they can to get your attention. I think you need to focus your frustration on her and give him the benefit of any doubt. Another way to look at it is, are you actually going to let some bimbo destroy your relationship and steal your guy just by parading around like a peacock, or are you going to assert yourself and with an "over my dead body" attitude? He must be a pretty dashing fellow. I don't think you should throw in the towel over this. I don't think it's related or any big deal that he tends to be a bit jealous from time to time.

[ITw]

The problem here is that it's to access whether or how much he actually contributed. If this other girl was being as blatant as you describe then it would've been a nearly impossible situation for him to manage. Guys have egos even if they're usually in control of it. It's hard not to look when somebody is strutting and touching and doing everything they can to get your attention. I think you need to focus your frustration on her and give him the benefit of any doubt. Another way to look at it is, are you actually going to let some bimbo destroy your relationship and steal your guy just by parading around like a peacock, or are you going to assert yourself and with an "over my dead body" attitude? He must be a pretty dashing fellow. I don't think you should throw in the towel over this. I don't think it's related or any big deal that he tends to be a bit jealous from time to time.

 

I disagree. It sounds like this is a newish relationship or just a date. Am I right OP? She should consider herself lucky to see his true colors early. I wouldn't invest any more time on someone like her date. He sounds like a jerk and a bad date. It sounds like the guy had a big part in the inappropriateness too. The jealousy thing does sound like a big deal. There shouldn't be a double standard.

[salparadise]

I disagree. It sounds like this is a newish relationship or just a date. Am I right OP? She should consider herself lucky to see his true colors early. I wouldn't invest any more time on someone like her date. He sounds like a jerk and a bad date. It sounds like the guy had a big part in the inappropriateness too. The jealousy thing does sound like a big deal. There shouldn't be a double standard.

 

The problem is that all we have to go on his her perception of the situation, and the facts are vague. We aren't hearing the guy's side of the story. If her date was actually contributing, encouraging, playing along with this woman, then I agree she should cut her losses. But consider the possibility that all he did was look at her a few times when she was making it impossible not to. Since the OP is angry and frustrated and has no ability to express that feeling at the woman, she could be redirecting it at the most convenient recipient rather than where it belongs. If the guy was so enthralled with her, he could've made an excuse to follow her out and get her number. But that didn't happen.

 

I remember one time I was at a drawing class with my then girlfriend and there was some french guy there who thought he was God's gift to women. He had designs on my girl and started talking to her. She didn't give him the cold shoulder at first as we were all interacting. He kept getting more brazen until I was wondering if I was going to have to punch him in the nose. As we were leaving he was going to make a play and she took my arm and said, kiss me. I did and we left that guy standing there looking like a fool. It could be that the only difference here is that her date wasn't quite as used to fending off those types as my gf was.

 

I just don't think there is enough to draw definite conclusions unless the OP comes back and tells us something factual. I think it's possible that the guy was an innocent bystander. And I also think a little bit of jealousy is proper and fitting and we don't really know much about that part either. So I default to not making assumptions instead of making them too early or with too little info.

[chelsea2011]

I disagree. It sounds like this is a newish relationship or just a date. Am I right OP? She should consider herself lucky to see his true colors early. I wouldn't invest any more time on someone like her date. He sounds like a jerk and a bad date. It sounds like the guy had a big part in the inappropriateness too. The jealousy thing does sound like a big deal. There shouldn't be a double standard.

 

Thank you, ITw. I completely agree and I think the double standards in this situation are the problem here. If the shoe were on the other foot it would have been a completely different story. That is a gaurantee...for sure.

[chelsea2011]

The problem is that all we have to go on his her perception of the situation, and the facts are vague. We aren't hearing the guy's side of the story. If her date was actually contributing, encouraging, playing along with this woman, then I agree she should cut her losses. But consider the possibility that all he did was look at her a few times when she was making it impossible not to. Since the OP is angry and frustrated and has no ability to express that feeling at the woman, she could be redirecting it at the most convenient recipient rather than where it belongs. If the guy was so enthralled with her, he could've made an excuse to follow her out and get her number. But that didn't happen.

 

I remember one time I was at a drawing class with my then girlfriend and there was some french guy there who thought he was God's gift to women. He had designs on my girl and started talking to her. She didn't give him the cold shoulder at first as we were all interacting. He kept getting more brazen until I was wondering if I was going to have to punch him in the nose. As we were leaving he was going to make a play and she took my arm and said, kiss me. I did and we left that guy standing there looking like a fool. It could be that the only difference here is that her date wasn't quite as used to fending off those types as my gf was.

 

I just don't think there is enough to draw definite conclusions unless the OP comes back and tells us something factual. I think it's possible that the guy was an innocent bystander. And I also think a little bit of jealousy is proper and fitting and we don't really know much about that part either. So I default to not making assumptions instead of making them too early or with too little info.

 

Okay, I didn't give all the details because I was hurt and still baffled when I first posted this thread. I appreciate your willingness to look at both sides; that's commendable. However, I can't help feeling like if I were a guy posting this story that the answer would be completely different. The woman would be deemed the no good flirt who probably cheats etc. I see that A LOT on these boards.

 

The truth is there were a lot of things leading up to this situation that made me question things. I also think the only reason he asked me out is because he knew I was kind of fed up with the status quo and was ready to move on. To be honest, I feel I was manipulated into driving and paying for dinner, so when this woman barged into our evening it really made me feel uncomfortable. Shouldn't the guy at least try to make the woman he is out with for the evening feel safe in a situation like that? I wonder how he would have felt if I was bending over right in front of him - while he was sitting right next to me - to check another guy out? I'm sure it would not have gone over well at all. Our situation is quite delicate and this didn't help; it only made matters worse.

 

Again, I get the whole "looking" thing and it usually doesn't bother me, but this was different. I feel like I deserved to be treated with respect at the very least. I compromised for him in and I feel like I ended up getting treated disrespectfully. I'm sorry, but I am not going to accept that kind of treatment from anyone no matter how much I like them.

Edited March 25, 2013 by chelsea2011

[camillalev]

Was he acting a bit uncomfortable, trying to pay as much attention to you as possible? did he check her out once then pretty much ignore the girl? Was he trying to have as much fun with YOU as possible? You say he 'seemed to be enjoying it' but you don't give much insight into how he was acting, only how the chick was acting. Girls/women can be pretty shady sometimes but you can't give too much mind to that. What counts is how he was acting with you.

 

If he was going out of his way to get a good look at her, giving her prolonged looks, smiling at her, being responsive to her in any way etc, that is disrespectful. And early on in the dating game? Big no-no.

 

If I saw my long-time bf check a girl out, whatever, but if I'm on one of the first few dates with a guy I'm just getting to know, and he blatantly checks out another girl/multiple girls.. thumbs down.

[chelsea2011]

Was he acting a bit uncomfortable, trying to pay as much attention to you as possible? did he check her out once then pretty much ignore the girl? Was he trying to have as much fun with YOU as possible? You say he 'seemed to be enjoying it' but you don't give much insight into how he was acting, only how the chick was acting. Girls/women can be pretty shady sometimes but you can't give too much mind to that. What counts is how he was acting with you.

 

If he was going out of his way to get a good look at her, giving her prolonged looks, smiling at her, being responsive to her in any way etc, that is disrespectful. And early on in the dating game? Big no-no.

 

If I saw my long-time bf check a girl out, whatever, but if I'm on one of the first few dates with a guy I'm just getting to know, and he blatantly checks out another girl/multiple girls.. thumbs down.

 

He was pretty responsive to her. She sat next to us at one place and then followed us over to the other place we sat. He was definitely responsive and appeared to be very interested in communicating with her. He didn't go out of his way to ignore her and certainly didn't try to make me feel comfortable about the situation.

[camillalev]

He was pretty responsive to her. She sat next to us at one place and then followed us over to the other place we sat. He was definitely responsive and appeared to be very interested in communicating with her. He didn't go out of his way to ignore her and certainly didn't try to make me feel comfortable about the situation.

 

:sick:

 

entire situation sounds shi/tty. lose him.

[LSTom]

Generally, in our society, men are the ones pursuing. It's just the way things are. With this in mind, when women gets the idea that a man is paying them attention, I believe it's up to her to end it dead cold. If she doesn't, then she's just a ticking time bomb of misery.

 

The same is true is for men even though this case happens much less often.

[camillalev]

Generally, in our society, men are the ones pursuing. It's just the way things are. With this in mind, when women gets the idea that a man is paying them attention, I believe it's up to her to end it dead cold. If she doesn't, then she's just a ticking time bomb of misery.

 

The same is true is for men even though this case happens much less often.

 

It's up to men to respect the women they're with and ignore the advances of others.

 

If a guy were hitting on me while I was with my date/bf I would have no problem (politely)telling him to get lost.

[Darren Steez]

I'm a dude, if a pretty girl did that the first time and I was unaware it was about to happen (the touching etc) yes it would be an ego boost but I'd also respect the fact that the girl I'm dating is right there next to me, so a) I wouldn't continually check her out b)If it becomes obviously she's skipping over my date to touch me on purpose then make a subtle gesture to imply that's not on.

So this guy is jealous if the roles were reversed...seems like he was getting his one-upsmanship in, which is a tad immature.

[Emilia]

I also think the only reason he asked me out is because he knew I was kind of fed up with the status quo and was ready to move on. To be honest, I feel I was manipulated into driving and paying for dinner, so when this woman barged into our evening it really made me feel uncomfortable.

 

The moral of the story is: don't chase after men that don't want to be caught, if he is not interested, he is not interested.

[salparadise]

 

Okay, I didn't give all the details because...

 

• I was hurt and still baffled...
  
• I can't help feeling like...
  
• there were a lot of things leading up to this...
  
• I was kind of fed up with the status quo and was ready to move on...
  
• I feel I was manipulated into driving and paying for dinner...
  
• it really made me feel uncomfortable...
  
• Our situation is quite delicate...
  
• it only made matters worse...
  
• usually doesn't bother me, but this was different...
  
• I feel like I deserved to be treated with respect...
  
• I feel like I ended up getting treated disrespectfully...
  

 

Shouldn't the guy at least try to make the woman he is out with for the evening feel safe in a situation like that? I wonder how he would have felt if I was bending over right in front of him - while he was sitting right next to me - to check another guy out? I'm sure it would not have gone over well at all.

 

Chelsea, I cut your response down to the verb phrases. Notice how it focuses on how you feel and it's entirely directed at the guy. I'm surprised that you haven't expressed any feelings toward the woman, who is actually the antagonist in this drama. You did say that he bent over to check her out, which of course is not kosher, but even the "to check her out" part is perceptual.

 

That being said though, how you feel is indeed important, and dating is all about how you feel. Failure to make the other person feel wonderful is the death knell. I'm not going to second guess what you feel––that is, after all, the one thing we know for certain. You also said there were other things that made you predisposed to not feeling respected (driving and paying for dinner).

 

So I think you've made up your mind that this isn't going anywhere because you aren't feeling it, and that's all the reason you need. You don't need anyone here to reinforce that the guy is an ********* in order to cut him loose. If it's what you feel then it's real to you.

 

I am still curious though, because the other woman's behavior seems pretty far afield from the norm. What ages are we talking about? Was this event something like a symphony orchestra or more like a Justin Bieber concert? Still trying to get my head around it all.

[chelsea2011]

Chelsea, I cut your response down to the verb phrases. Notice how it focuses on how you feel and it's entirely directed at the guy. I'm surprised that you haven't expressed any feelings toward the woman, who is actually the antagonist in this drama. You did say that he bent over to check her out, which of course is not kosher, but even the "to check her out" part is perceptual.

 

That being said though, how you feel is indeed important, and dating is all about how you feel. Failure to make the other person feel wonderful is the death knell. I'm not going to second guess what you feel––that is, after all, the one thing we know for certain. You also said there were other things that made you predisposed to not feeling respected (driving and paying for dinner).

 

So I think you've made up your mind that this isn't going anywhere because you aren't feeling it, and that's all the reason you need. You don't need anyone here to reinforce that the guy is an ********* in order to cut him loose. If it's what you feel then it's real to you.

 

I am still curious though, because the other woman's behavior seems pretty far afield from the norm. What ages are we talking about? Was this event something like a symphony orchestra or more like a Justin Bieber concert? Still trying to get my head around it all.

 

LOL at the Justin Beiber comment. Seriously, thts what it felt like. It took me right back to a situation that happened to me in high school! No, we're in our 40's. Thanks for breaking it down like you have; it gives me a lot to think about that's for sure. I'm leaning toward the idea that we are simply not compatible and that's fine. If he needs those kind of ego boosts then I'm not the right person for him relationship wise. In order to be with me he would need to work on that and I don't have a right to expect him to change. He has to want to do that all on his own.

 

To be honest, I'm wondering if he has a stalker in his life because strange things happen when we are together. But again, that's up to him to fix as there is nothing I can do about that either except stay away.

 

To the poster that said insinuated that I am chasing him; not the case at all. I've never chased him and don't plan on starting now. That's not how I roll.

 

Thank you to everyone who offered insights. They are much appreciated! I have a lot to think about and will post an update once I figure out what I'm going to do.

[Emilia]

To the poster that said insinuated that I am chasing him; not the case at all. I've never chased him and don't plan on starting now. That's not how I roll.

 

I didn't insinuate that you chased him, I stated it. Based on your post: " I also think the only reason he asked me out is because he knew I was kind of fed up with the status quo and was ready to move on".This usually implies working on something that the other person isn't interested in. Next time pick men who are interested, it happens to all of us. Good luck.

[chelsea2011]

Salparadise regarding the comment about me directing my anger at him instead of her; I am angry about that too. I was thinking "who does that?!" Why would she be so forward like that? It really made the rest of the evening so uncomfortable because her antics were sooo hard to ignore. I literally felt like going to the bar for the rest of the show to get away from it. It was definitely a boundary issue with her!

 

@emilie. The situation is a little more complicated than that. I do not chase him at all. But thank you for you input. I can understand why you are saying that and I would probably too as an objective outsider reading this.

[camillalev]

OH my god, from your description of the date I assumed you guys were MUCH younger. Like in your early 20's. YES please cut him loose.

 

And I agree-why is this lady acting the way she does, was she there alone with no friends? desperate/sad/lonely troll. I hope he enjoyed that momentary ego boost, he's loosing out on something much better.

[chelsea2011]

OH my god, from your description of the date I assumed you guys were MUCH younger. Like in your early 20's. YES please cut him loose.

 

And I agree-why is this lady acting the way she does, was she there alone with no friends? desperate/sad/lonely troll. I hope he enjoyed that momentary ego boost, he's loosing out on something much better.

 

Thank you so much for your support camillalev. I am glad that I'm not the only one seeing it this way. I have really good intuition, but this situation totally threw me for a loop. It reminded me of a similar situation I faced in high school and it caused my first major heart break. That's why I needed other people's perspective because I wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive or not. This woman was seriously over the top. She was there with a friend and then came back to where we were sitting by herself. That is when she started with the excessive posing...it was so unnerving. I tried to talk to him about it but I got brushed off and he changed the subject. All that aside, it was a highly inappropriate situation no matter what. Who the heck intrudes on peoples space like that?

 

Thanks again for responding. It really helped!

[HitMeNow]

I think the main problem I see here is that he put your feelings downby mentioning you being silly. He should be more listening and caring of your problems, silly or not they might be.

 

Also maybe, just maybe, (if your bf is the "jealous type" and if your bf is not thaaat good looking), he hired an escort to do that for him. Seems weird that a "hot girl" would be there by herself and be that "socially retarded" to obviously try to "cockblock" you. Believe me hot girls have other things to do.

[chelsea2011]

I think the main problem I see here is that he put your feelings downby mentioning you being silly. He should be more listening and caring of your problems, silly or not they might be.

 

Also maybe, just maybe, (if your bf is the "jealous type" and if your bf is not thaaat good looking), he hired an escort to do that for him. Seems weird that a "hot girl" would be there by herself and be that "socially retarded" to obviously try to "cockblock" you. Believe me hot girls have other things to do.

 

You're right. The fact that he brushed aside my feelings about it and made it seem that I was being silly is the problem. It was very telling. My feelings were valid as It was an inappropriate situation. To me it means any normal valid feelings I would have in the future would be discounted as well. I'm at a point in my life that I can't and won't tolerate that from a person with whom I am involved. I would be disrespecting myself if I allow that to happen and that is not something I'm willing to do.

 

I never said he wasn't good looking...I happen to think he is handsome. If he did what you menton above...well, that would just be sick. That would mean he set me up to hurt me and that would be a very sick game. If we are talking conspiracy theories here it could've very well been someone else doing what you are suggesting he did. That would also be very sick and would require someone to have a very twisted demented mind.

 

I'm not going to buy into conspiracy theories though. That would be silly.

[HitMeNow]

You're right. The fact that he brushed aside my feelings about it and made it seem that I was being silly is the problem. It was very telling. My feelings were valid as It was an inappropriate situation. To me it means any normal valid feelings I would have in the future would be discounted as well. I'm at a point in my life that I can't and won't tolerate that from a person with whom I am involved. I would be disrespecting myself if I allow that to happen and that is not something I'm willing to do.

 

IMHO It doesn't even matter if your feelings were "valid for the situation".

Your feelings are your feelings and as your SO s/he should be there to listen and treat them more seriously.

 

Next time if he brushes off something make a point to repeat it twice very calmly (people fail in this cuz they put too much emotion in their deliveries). If you try to have a serious convo with him about something that bothered you more than once and he still won't take you seriously, then it's time you look for another bf.

 

Cheers,

 

... as for the conspiracy theory.... you never know .

 

.......... Now that I'm reading more into it... he's not your bf??? If not then there's nothing to be upset about. Just observe and learn how this person behaves and decide if you like it or not.

Edited March 26, 2013 by HitMeNow

[chelsea2011]

Thanks but no thanks for the conspiracy theories. Who knows, if I were into conspiracy theories it could be that I'm the one who has a psycho stalking ex.

But since I'm not, I don't waste my energies on such nonsense.

 

As an update, I've decided to call it a day on this relationship. I just don't want to be around for some events that will be taking place a few months from now. So I figure if I end now, I will be in a much better place by then and moving on to better things in my own life. Its time and I've had enough. I went, I saw some things that gave me pause and now I have to do what is in my own best interest and that is to not let myself get hurt anymore by him.

 

Ciao.